Being naked in front of DP/DH

I think that, if I were in your very unusual position of only ever having dated men who have criticised my appearance, I would be inclined to wonder about my choice of men. There is a clearly a common theme there in terms of your past partners’ values and characters, and I think you would probably benefit from therapy to help you understand how/why you were so vulnerable to them and how you might be happier in the future. I wish you well.

The worst/most ridiculous thing is if you ask them why they've said it (which I have a couple of times). They can't tell you.

They didn't mean it, or they weren't thinking and it just popped out, or they deny having ever said it, or it was a joke. Although, they can't ever tell you why it was funny either or what the punchline was.

If you ask them what they hoped to achieve by saying it because, presumably they weren't aiming to be dumped, they don't know that either.

Because, of course, its rarely what they really think or what they really meant.

Well of course, it wouldn't be would it. I mean who would build a relationship with someone who trusts them, who is confident and not self conscious, who enthusiastically has sex with them and then deliberately knock all of that down? But they still do it.

I wont be fully naked in front of my DH as I hate the stretch marks on my stomach since being pregnant and the excess skin that couldn’t be removed through diet and exercise. I put a little vest top over my stomach to hide it when we have sex.

He says he’s not bothered and that’s probably true but I am so no one will be seeing my overhanging stretchmark stomach

I am perfectly comfortable being completely naked in front of DH - we have been together 23 years and seen each other through illness, childbirth etc so there is pretty much nothing I wouldn't do in front of him! I am happy with my body (even if it is several stone 'overweight' and he finds me beautiful and sexy fat or thin.

My DH describes my figure as enviable. I’m 60 this year and still weigh 7.5 Stone after 5 children. I hate him to see me naked, but it’s not about body image. I can’t bear to feel I’m being observed without clothes. I’m generally incredibly self-conscious and my flesh creeps at the thought of being ‘ogled’ .

Same here. Might add in a little dance from time to time, too! Don't think anything of walking around naked in front of DH - been together 30 years now and still act like teenagers!

I dated in my 40s and 50s and I 100% think it’s different from being with someone you went through the pregnancies, illnesses, general life histories with. For all of the reasons you have said in the thread

Having said that…the way this man is speaking to you about your body is not ok and I’m not surprised you’re more self-conscious that you used to be.

Seeing, sharing, holding someone’s naked body is a privilege and he should be treating it as such. It’s vulnerable and private and I can see why you feel exposed when he doesn’t seem to respect that

His claims of concerns for your health sound disingenuous to me. From how you describe them anyway

I voted YABU because I’m a stride around naked type. And u wouldn’t want to be with someone I couldn’t do that with. But reading your posts I’m not sure it’s YOU that’s being unreasonable

Of course you wouldn't date them if they were unkind to you!

But what if the first time they were unkind to you was when you had been with them for long enough to trust them and be comfortable being naked with them? And what if you were naked when they said it? And it was your naked body they were unkind about?

And what if you dumped them and sometime later, met someone else who then did the same thing? Followed by someone who did the same thing?

Like I said, I think I look OK. If I look at myself in the mirror, I can see that I'm not perfect but I look pretty good (and not even 'for my age' - I look good).

For me, there just came a point when I thought, do you know what? I just don't want to hear it anymore.

I hear what you're saying abut not letting it affect you being with someone new and that's how I felt too. For a very long time.

If someone was unkind, I wouldn’t date them. As I’ve previously said, I’m sorry that you have apparently only ever had relationships with men who say unkind things to you. But if someone said those things to me, my response would be to dump them, not to hide my body from future partners.

ItGhoul

That's the thing though. Unless people actually have pre existing insecurities, I don't think it would occur to the vast majority of people to feel self conscious until someone comments.

It didn't occur to me either. Why would I assume that someone was anything other than attracted to me if they are going out with me/sleeping with me?

Turns out I was wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️

To be clear - I’m not criticising you for how you feel at all. You feel how you feel. But your post was essentially asking how common it is to feel as self-conscious as you do, and I think your level of self-consciousness is probably unusual.

I’m in my late 40s and I’ve been with my partner a long time, but I don’t have kids. He’s never wiped my bum or anything like that! 🤣 I don’t go to the loo in front of him. In terms of him seeing me naked, I’m basically the same with him as I have been with every other sexual partner I had before we met.

I can honestly say that if I was dating again now, as a somewhat overweight woman of 49, I wouldn’t be self-conscious about nakedness, and certainly not during sex! But it has also never occurred to me to be self-conscious about receiving oral sex, ever, with any partner.

Then he aint the man for me 🤣🤣 take me as i am or watch me as I walk!

OK. But literally everything I said also applies to ‘dignity’ and ‘modesty’. So feel free to address that. Do you think a woman who allows her partner to see her body during sex (as many women on this post have said they won’t) is being immodest and undignified? Or that there is a lack of modesty and dignity in one’s own partner/husband seeing you walk naked from the bed to the wardrobe to get dressed, or from the shower to the bedroom?

I didn't comment on his weight.

I just said he was right and that a few pounds here and there would make no difference to how i felt about him. I liked the fact he knew that about me.

But I do think that is slightly different (given that he'd brought it up) to just saying out of nowhere that l'd look better if I lost a couple of kilos.

If I'd brought up wanting to lose half a stone, I'd expect an honest response to that. I'm an adult, and I don't expect to be flattered but that doesn't mean its open season on unsolicited criticisms.

So when the first bloke you mention said he’d put on a few pounds and wasn’t happy with it what did you say? Did you agree but say you love him anyway? Did you agree he looked better slimmer but not say that (as yes, you’d love him anyway)?

sometimes it’s more complicated than just saying “it doesn’t matter”. Maybe a partner does look better slimmer but that doesn’t mean you love them less if they’re not.

If the men you are sleeping with are making comments then you are choosing the wrong men.

This sounds so easy doesn't it?

Choose differently.

I was dating one man for over a year. He was complaining one day that he'd put on a few pounds and said "But I know that doesn't make any difference to you. You wouldn't love me more if I lost it so I'm not really bothered" and leant over and kissed me. We spent most of our time in the house lounging around naked, wandering around naked, dancing together naked. We visited his family home in the mountains in Italy. There was no one around for miles, so we lay naked in the field, had sex in the field... I wasn't in any way inhibited.

And then, one day, quite out of the blue after not ever having commented on anything negatively at all until that point he said "You're really pretty, you know. But you'd look even better if you dropped a couple of kg. "

I was 9 and a half stone and a size 10.

I obviously ended it shortly afterwards and from there it just continued. There hasn't been a single man since who hasn't made a derogatory/negative/critical comment eventually. It's heartening to read that many ther women haven't had similar but, at the same time, I find it hard to believe (not that I think they are lying but it's just so far away from my experience).

None of them were first date comments. None of them were 'losers'. They all treated people with respect, were educated, otherwise kind and decent men who were good to me until that point. The point in our relationship where they, presumably, felt it was time for some home truths.

I've sometimes got the impression that they have seen me as confident and self assured and so thought I wouldn't be bothered by their critiques. Maybe they just expected me to take their advice on board or to take a criticism on the chin. Only a couple of times have I got the sense that it was deliberate cruelty.

Without sounding like a twat, I've never really had much difficulty attracting men. Not because I'm stunning but because I'm just attractive enough; I know what suits my body shape clothing wise; I don't wear much make up (but that's never been criticised) and my hair generally looks good. I'm early 50s and still attract 'admiring looks' when I go out. I eat well, drink lots of water and do most of the things I should. I look after myself generally but this just seems to invite it more. Or maybe it's just that, when the clothes are off, the reality doesn't match their expectations 🤷🏻‍♀️

Apparently, I'm lovely, pretty, beautiful, adorable, funny, witty, intelligent, kind, passionate, have a lovely shape - all things I've been told at some point by the same men who have then gone on to criticise, complain or compare.

I'm not going out with arseholes, ignoring blokey banter, laughing off early negativity. I don't tolerate men who criticise other women or comment on their appearance negatively. Maybe I'm just 'oversensitive' and other women would laugh off some of these comments but, over the years, it's just worn me down.

Without exception, every man I've dated has found some way to put me down based on my appearance. I've never been called "stupid" I suppose...

if a man doesn't find me attractive he isn't coming anywhere near me.

I mean, that's a no brainer but if you have no reason to think they don't until they tell you months down the line...

Well I mean theirs appreciation and then there darling can you check my piles appreciation. I appreciate my husbands body, I have no desire to check his arsehole for piles.

I was 40 when I split with my ex, so yes I was (and still am) single and had to start dating again in my 40s. So yes I know exactly what it is like. I also had to rebuild my life and confidence after many years of abuse. I chose my next men carefully, and they were every inch the gentleman. I'm currently single as I'm concentrating on my career (and need to sort out my menopausal weight gain) but if a man doesn't find me attractive he isn't coming anywhere near me.

A good man doesn't make you feel bad about yourself. If the men you are sleeping with are making comments then you are choosing the wrong men. That is something only you can change.

Many many women start over again in their 40s and 50s. Many women have been through abuse and come out the other side. Your posts are now coming across like you're having a pity party.

That made me laugh out loud. You are absolutely right 😂😂😂

I couldn’t imagine being married to someone if I wasn’t okay with him seeing me naked. I’ve gained around two and a half stone since we got married twelve years ago, and I’m not happy with that, but he’s my husband and he’s seen my body in all sorts of different conditions. Plus he definitely thinks I’m sexy and always makes appreciative comments when I’m changing clothes.

He’s gained some weight as well, and he’s sensitive to people’s feelings about their weight because he was a chubby kid until he went through puberty.

That's simple, don't get into relationships with or have sex with men who don't appreciate your body 100%.

How is feeling ashamed of your body equal to having standards? 😂

So maybe just wash the bed linen more....

Looking at most of these answers shows how many women are critical of their own bodies and embarrassed by them. That is a real shame. Don't hide from your husband because you don't like yourself, it does not mean he doesn't like your body. He should be actively telling you what he likes about it so give him the chance and have a discussion. If you want to improve things then do it together.

You don't like him looking! I would have thought you should be far more concerned if it were the opposite. I have been married for 45 years and I am still attracted to my wife's naked body, among other things. Being intimate in daylight out from under the covers is so much more exciting. You should know every square centimeter of your partners body because there is beauty everywhere.