Being naked in front of DP/DH

It’s obvious why they’re doing it. If they’re criticising your body, they’re doing it to make you feel like shit. Of course they know the effect it has on you. Men who make comments like that want you to feel insecure. It’s no mystery.

I think men don’t realise how their ill thought out comments can really deeply affect some of us. I wish I knew why they feel the need to say these things.

Also I read another thread on here about a child seeing their mum with arrows and lines all over her and being distressed scrubbing them off. I immediately thought of my surgical consult and coming home all covered in sharpie and sobbing my heart out scrubbing them off feeling so ashamed of myself and my disgusting saggy body.

My H said he never realised I wanted the surgery because of what he did and the things he had said but how could he not know? I was literally mental for months directly after finding his porn trail on our computer. Anyone I tried to talk to about it minimised and said “that’s what men do, it’s normal” even a counsellor I sought help from.

I’m so sorry you went through this. Sounds really tough xxx

It was finding my H was accessing ‘teen’ porn that completely finished me mentally. He was looking at physical versions of ‘me’ when we met and before three kids. I can never be a teenager again, or have a teenaged body so I will always feel old and hideous now.

I’m pretty sure I have PTSD from it. I literally had some kind of breakdown at the time. It was a long time ago I caught him doing this but I think of it most days. I nearly went and had multiple plastic surgeries afterwards to cut off my stretch marks but I was a size 6 (I went into an eating disorder spiral) and didn’t have a proper flap of extra skin there so it would have still left a lot of my stretch marks there above the scar. I also wanted an uplift to make my boobs ‘perky’ again, but as they are small the surgeon said I should have implants, but my H isn’t into big boobs, just tiny perky ones, so it wouldn’t have made me feel better.

In the end I decided this was not a message I wanted to give to my children. I didn’t want them to think a woman’s perfectly functioning body should be mutilated to satisfy the male gaze, even if that’s how I feel about myself.

That's a good question.

Both.

The clothes suggestions are mainly inappropriate for my age, I suppose. Or because they've seen them on someone else and are comparing me to them. So, not said in a that's a nice item of clothing she's wearing, I bet it would suit you. But she looks really good, you should dress like that when it would be completely inappropriate for my body shape and I'd look awful in it. And it's sexualised clothing that I might have worn in my 20s but not my 50s. So more "You'd be more attractive if you dressed like her because she looks attractive/sexy and you don't.".

Or directly saying I'd look better if I lost weight when I'm a size 10 and quite happy with the way i look and i wasnt seeking an opinion.

Or asking if I don't wear X because I'm a 'weird' shape.

Or telling me I have sturdy thighs and I'm built like a farm girl when I knew their ex who was really petite.

It's hard to narrow it down.

It's not even the specific comments as much as the fact that it would be really nice to just feel like someone thinks I'm good enough as I am without trying to change or 'improve' me.

Would you say the comment refers to your body or your clothes?

(Obviously only answer if you feel comfortable to.)

I’m the same, I actually avoid DH seeing me naked simply because I feel he would be criticising how I look even if he says nothing- he’s addicted to porn so I imagine he’s constantly making comparisons.
The addiction killed my libido years ago.

They are generally variations on a common theme.

Yes. I think they have intentionally set out to knock my confidence down. Or perceive me to be confident enough to be able to take the joke?

Or they genuinely think I should be 'sexier'.
Or they're resentful they can't attract the sort of woman they think they should have

Or they just really don't like me very much.

Yep.

I'm aware I've posted quite a lot here and on someone else's thread! I think the reason is that I've hit a bit of a fork in the road with my partner.

His comments probably haven't been as bad as I've heard before but still 'jokes' have been made at my expense and suggestions have been made regarding my body/how attractive I am. He has never once spoken unfavourably about another woman. He's not a man who criticises women generally.

I've tried to focus on the good stuff and accept that he loves me but the bottom line is that he's just one more in a very long line of men who has made 'jokes' about my appearance, suggestions on how I could be more attractive or 'sexier' and not in a "I love it when you wear X" way but in a "Why don't you dress up like <insert specific woman> for me?" way.

No matter how much I try to ignore it, its always there.

No matter how much I try to self talk and rationalise myself out of it, I keep coming back to the same questions.

Why say those things if he didn't mean them?

Why deliberately destroy the safety I felt with him and my trust in him?

What did he expect the outcome to be?

Why not just end it if he didn't find me attractive?

He has been actively involved in all my births and seen the full reality so being naked isn't an issue in our relationship

Exactly. This made me so sad. @Motorflight I hope you know that your self worth is not defined by what your husband thinks of your body or indeed what you think of it. Our bodies are just the shell’s that carry our souls, and I am sure yours is absolutely beautiful 💐💐

I'm 48 and met my boyfriend 3 years ago. He's 6 years younger than me. I have no issues being naked in front of him and having sex with the light on. We shower together as often as possible and sleep naked. It was him who bought pyjamas when we first started dating as he wasn't sure I'd want to see him naked.

Yes, I’ve asked but it’s always “ I didn’t meeeeean it like that” or “I don’t know why I said it” or “it was meant to be funny”

looking back I think it was part entitlement (he felt cheated my body changed by having his children) and part negging. Trying to keep me small and insecure.

You shouldn't be naked in front of that man.
You shouldn't even be with that man.

That's really awful. Those comments must have really hurt your feelings. Of course it's not on you for taking it the wrong way. He shouldn't be making those comments at all for any reason.

Sorry if I missed it, but do you feel they all make the same comment or are the comments different?

I'm wondering if they are knocking down your confidence intentionally.

If you're checking piles clearly it's not about desire.
If my partner had an issue and asked for my help I would help them, because I care about them.

I am with a woman now and I feel very comfortable and she doesn’t comment like he did… and I know she finds me beautiful/attractive.

❤️ God I wish I found women attractive!

My closest friend is a lesbian and we've both had relationship woes over the years and talked about them endlessly! But this is one thing she's never had to deal with and she can't fathom it. The way she's talked about her partners physically over the years is beautiful tbh. She just can't fathom why men do it.

I'd love for someone to see me the way she sees her partner.

I voted YABU, for me I’m perfectly okay with walking around naked and being naked with my partner and having the lights on etc.

I don’t love my body. I used to really like it… But I’ve put on a fair bit of weight now and my body has other issues and health issues which doesn’t help my perception towards it… but I am happy and comfortable and feel safe to be naked at any point in front of my partner.

I understand completely how/why other people don’t feel comfortable, don’t want to though. Whether that’s how you’ve been brought up, previous partners, how you feel about your own body or the partner you’re with now.

I was previously married and I didn’t feel comfortable. He talked about my body/looks a lot… giving me compliments and talking about it sexually… and more so when I got undressed etc so much so that I didn’t want to in front of him…. it was too much and too overwhelming and I felt pressure to be sexual with him. I told him all this but it still carried on occasionally (hence the divorce).
I am with a woman now and I feel very comfortable and she doesn’t comment like he did… and I know she finds me beautiful/attractive.

This is a really good question you asked and it’s interesting to see all the answers.

Motorflight

That's so terribly sad to read.

“I didn’t mean anything by it you just took it that way”

Have you ever pushed him on it? Asked, if how you took it was 'wrong', what exactly did he mean?

He still wouldn't have an answer because the answer is "I just wanted to make you feel a bit shit about yourself" and even they recognise that that isn't a good look!

I am quite happy to get changed in front of my husband and he comes in the bathroom when I’m in the bath. But I wouldn’t walk around the house naked, I wouldn’t do it when I’m home alone either though.

My H once told me to cover up and stop walking around the bedroom naked as he “would get bored looking at it”

I should have listened, he was showing me who he was, a novelty seeker. And let’s just say I found out his past relationships have all involved cheating and he’s not been the most attentive partner to me either.

He’s said other hurtful things that have gone in and cut me over the years, flippant comments about my stretch marks whilst pregnant, same about my boobs whilst breastfeeding and many others. When I ask him “why did you say that to me, it hurt me and fueled disordered eating and the intense revulsion and shame I feel about it my body not being 17 anymore” he says “I dunno” or “I didn’t mean anything by it you just took it that way”

Do I still be naked at times? Yes? But I always feel apologetic about it like I’m subjecting him to seeing something gross, damaged, not good enough.

He never says those shit offhand things to me anymore and says he likes my body but all the chipping away at me over the years has damaged my relationship with my body irrevocably and I’ve spent 3 decades at war with it through eating disorders and other self harming behaviours. All because of shit things he’s said and done that he can’t explain why he’s said or did them.