Partner changed their mind on cohabitation agreement

This is..... weird. Are you properly minted?

Pre-nups and post-nups too.

This is supposed to be the fun, honeymoon stage of a relationship, and you are already fratching. Move out and end it already.

I couldn't imagine wanting to marry someone - to spend the rest of my life with them - and not want to share everything I have with them. For better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer.

The only circumstance I would ever sign a prenup is if I was marrying someone who had existing children and they wanted to somehow ring fence assets for those children.

Otherwise, I would want my new partner to share everything they have with me, and me with them, regardless of who brings the most to the table.

If you can't imagine that, I don't think you should marry and definitely shouldn't have children.

Why are you, a Canadian man, posting on Mumsnet about this?

Yes, why? The law is quite different surely.

Presumably she’s having her eggs frozen because she doesn’t trust him.

The cynic in me thinks she was hoping you’d forget about the cohabitation agreement, or you’d get swept up in romance and decide not to proceed with it. She’s throwing her toys out the pram now because you are asking her to adhere to the original plan.

‘During that time’. You are so naïve. The vast majority of women take a lifelong hit in their earning potential by having children. It’s not just maternity leave, or even the knock-on impact of going part time for several years. It’s being the one who drops everything for sickness and medical appointments. That stunts promotion opportunities. I don’t know a single family where these responsibilities are shared evenly, because then you will both take a negative career hit. You are as naïve as you are heartless.

Honestly, you’re only bothered by this as you know as well as we do, this is going nowhere.

Move on.

God this sounds like the most joyless relationship ever. Just split up and put yourselves out of your misery.

If your relatively short relationship has been so difficult, why do you think you’re compatible enough to get married and have children? It doesn’t sound like you are.

If you were to move out, would that essentially mean the end of your relationship? And is that really a bad thing? Or could you move out and get the space you need to really reconsider your relationship and where it should go?

If you go ahead with your relationship and this agreement, your agreement is unfair in the event of children. Your partner needs to get her own lawyer to help her negotiate for (1) your living circumstances now, whilst unmarried and with no children (will assume no children before marriage), (2) finances together after marriage, (3) life upon and after pregnancy/children, (4) the event of divorce with no children or with all children above a certain age (e.g. 18), and (5) the event of divorce with children under 18 or some other similar age.

Your sentiments go against the very purpose of marriage. Marriage was created to provide women and children with security. Women are still more likely to make more career sacrifices than men in raising their children and, when parents separate, they are more likely to be the main carer. So, the age-old truth that mothers are more vulnerable than fathers and deserve the protections that marriage affords remains true. If you go into a marriage with one eye on protecting you as an individual then you don’t mean the vows you are making. And that means you don’t deserve to be with her because she deserves to be treated like an equal partner in a shared life together, not as a temporary fixture to bare your children.

Love..? Fun? Friendship? Support? Attraction?Shared interests and values?

This relationship is a non starter.

This relationship is a car crash. You need to break up. You were right to wear a condom.

@Naunet and she's expecting him to trust her despite the fact that she has reneged on the agreement, and quite possibly is trying to get pregnant without his express agreement.

The relationship sounds like a mess and should just come to an end. No way would I put myself through 12 months of therapy with someone who has gone back on an agreement, possibly tried to get pregnant without my agreement and broken up with me 3 times in the space of 18months.

I think the gf is trying to push op in to tearing up the agreement. OP should stand firm.

Everything pre marriage should be ring fenced. All inheritance too. The rest 50/50. If the gf wins the lottery before marriage or inherits from a long lost relative, too bad for op too - works both ways.

Wish we had a solid system for this in the UK.

OP needs Canada specific advice.

Women are the ones with the ticking bio clock. OP can have children at a later time with someone else anyway.

An incentive to divorce you…..?

My redpill alert started screaming.

Saying he will isn't good enough, he's expecting her to trust him when he doesn't trust her.

I agree that he should leave the relationship 100%. But we only have one side of the story here. He said he’s happy to support her, contribute more but according to him that hasn’t been put in the agreement? So he doesn’t trust her enough to want to marry her before she signs but she must take his word?

Im not sure that I believe how flexible he has been if I’m honest otherwise unless she’s a complete nut case why would she not want to discuss it? I think she doesn’t trust him and by the sounds of it he doesn’t trust her.

but of course this is pure speculation as I only have half of a curated story - I wouldn’t sign that if I was in her shoes and would walk away.

edited to say: and the problem is not really about supporting her if she has children the problem is her career will take a hit if she has children he walks away living his best life and she walks away with less income…

It’s not about supporting her during the marriage if she has children. If the marriage ends she is still screwed. Specifically is she takes anytime out to support the family.

Also NetBiscuit two further points of confusion:

1. Are you in England? Because if so not sure I understand the need for a cohabitation agreement given there is no such thing as common law marriage - your assets are naturally protected.

2. Pre-nups aren’t legally binding (they can be but can be set aside if deemed unfair

3. I understand the rationale that each leaves the marriage with what they came in (should you separate) with any mutually accrued assets / profit split. However does this mean you commit to doing 50% of all domestic labour, emotional labour and childcare to enable her to maintain her career and thus her source of income / so she is not financially penalised by the marriage.

OP has already stated that he would support his GF in the event of having children in a number of different ways. Has said that he is happy to pay more towards their life together. Has said that he is happy to amend terms in the contract/agreement. All of these things would point to him being more than happy to support if they have children, if there is illness etc.

The issue here is his GF will not even discuss it. He has taken a pragmatic approach to forming a partnership, something many more people should do before entering into a marriage. How would their lives work out if she can't even discuss finances and put what she wants on the table at this early stage?

She sounds like a bit of a nut, OP is being very sensible and I genuinely think he should leave the relationship and find someone who is willing to have a grown up conversation with him at the minimum.

@NeatBiscuit have you considered ending this relationship and walking away? or do you think this is the best you can get, provided agreement is signed? what's pushing you to settle 'with just anyone' at this stage of your life?

I think it's fine you want to protect your assets, but at the same time, then you can't expect a woman to have a child with you and put herself at a disadvantage. I'm curious, are you this militant about housework and childcare being 50/50? How would you feel if she wanted to charge you for growing and birthing the baby, say 50% of the cost of surrogacy?

Do you understand marriage law?
have you read up on what happens at divorce?
In England and wales (if that’s where you are posting form) all divorce settlements are based on “future needs” and law around “fair settlement “
sure, if there’s enough to go around a court may uphold a pre nup….but if there isn’t , or you have kids , it’ll be ignored.
even if it is upheld, a court may determine that other assets, like pensions, under pension sharing agreement, are leveredge to meet fair settlement

I suggest you re think having a relationship with may women who wants children . You don’t seek to want to committ any sense of shared wealth and assets. You realise thst men have a lot of advantages and privaledges thst women don’t once kids come along. Never mind loosing 1 year of work, it is about perception of working mums. The gender pay gap exists for a reason. There is an even worse pension gender gaps. Did you know that 75% of tax relief on pensions goes to men. That overwhelmingly it is women having to claim pension credit.

ifvyoure not married, you don’t need a cohabit agreement. Be tenets in common if you own house together. Job done. If you want to get married annd or have kids, then get yourself better informed and realise marriage is a legal and finanacial partnership. In my marriage we both had period when we weren’t working full time or at all: maternity, redundancy, and finally long term sick where my husband didn’t work for last 15 years of our marriage. Our wealth (and periods of poverty) were just that “ours” not his or mine. And after 30 years of marriage, when we did divorce, we did so sensislbly, quickly and painlessly knowing the reality of laws around divorce and fair settlement

ifvyou can stand to be a team where financial merger is concnered, stop pissing her around with threats, and certainly don’t ever marry anyone . Do your partner a favour to tell her that now, so she can tell you to piss off now and she has chance, whilst she has time, to make a family with a husband that does realise that is what marriage is.