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Original poster

Partner changed their mind on cohabitation agreement

314 replies

NeatBiscuit · 17/02/2025 14:45

My partner and I have been living together for 1.5 years. Prior to moving in together, we agreed to have a cohabitation agreement drafted by a lawyer because of our disparity in assets. While the agreement has been drafted, it has not been signed yet and it is therefore not legally binding.

I have politely and periodically reminded my partner about the agreement throughout the course of living with her. I told her that I would not "take the next step" with her in our relationship until we officialize the agreement. This is in terms of buying a home, getting married, having children, etc.

On Valentine's Day, we tried to be intimate together. The intimacy stopped when I wanted to use a condom. I wanted to use one because she is off birth control due to IVF/egg retrieval. Although the risk of pregancy is low due to ovulation cycles, it is still a possibility. Since then, she has reflected on that moment and has been thoroughly upset at me. She was upset that my decision for wanting to use a condom was driven by the unsigned agreement.

She told me that I put finances ahead of everything else. She also said that she has been working on reading the agreement and contacting her lawyer about it. While she has been doing that, I don't know where she stands with the terms in the agreement because we have yet to discuss it together.

Last night and while she was upset, she told me that she won't be signing it anymore. She said that she initially wanted to sign one as a "gift" to me but now thinks I don't trust her.

I feel mislead and betrayed. I wouldn't have moved in with her if she told me that from the start. Also, I've been extremely patient with her all this time. I was never pushy about the subject. I only brought it up when it came to the big, life altering decisions.

OP posts:
ByQuaintAzureWasp · 17/02/2025 22:22

Bojanglesmcduff · 17/02/2025 15:03

You wanted her to sign before moving in, but then let her move in without signing which seems like a mistake.

I’m very confused about her doing ivf without you?

she’s entitled to be upset that you want a prenup and don’t want a baby with her.
you’re entitled to prioritise your assets and not have unprotected sex. But both those choices are going to upset the other and you don’t really sound like you’re in a partnership.

She agreed to a cohabitation agreement then renamed. He needs to withdraw from this woman ... entirely.

Lavenderflower · 17/02/2025 22:11

Realistically marriage and children are not for you.

Lavenderflower · 17/02/2025 22:10

This literally doesn't make sense. It doesn't actually sound realistic long term particular if there are children involved. The relationship is already not working - just walk away.

aCatCalledFawkes · 17/02/2025 22:08

I don't get this. Your not married, you don't own property together, don't have joint savings and you don't have children yet so why do you need one?
I also wouldn't sign this if I was planning to have children with someone or marry them as you never know what is going to happen next - for example do you leave the money to your wife in your death or do you financially support her in maternity leave etc.....

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 17/02/2025 22:06

I'm also open to building clauses into the agreement that would account for time spent taking care of children -- even though that will be a joint responsibility.

I cannot tell you how much this does not cover for what a women goes through in pregnancy, labour and raising children. You cannot, even with shared time looking after children, repay her for what she loses in her career prospects if she has children.

If she has any sense she will also walk away from you as you should from her. You do not sound like marriage material - not a team player and not a family man.

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/02/2025 22:05

"However, we have had a tumultuous year while living together with both highs and extreme lows. We have also been in therapy for the majority of the year. She even broke up with me three times while living together."
This is simply not a viable relationship. All this when you've only lived together one and a half years? Not viable. Call it a day and both of you just move on.

Hippobot · 17/02/2025 22:00

NeatBiscuit · 17/02/2025 16:34

It stipulates that in the event of separation/divorce:

  • My money is mine to keep and hers is hers to keep
  • We keep our money separate and the future growth and accumulation of the money is tied to the individual
  • Family inheritances/gifts are tied to the individual
  • if one person spends more money on a home purchase, they would be entitled to recover that money when the house sells (I.e. if we buy a 1M home and I pay 600k but she pays 400k, we would each receive our original investment)
  • Home sale profits are shared evenly (50/50)
  • We are both waiving spousal support
  • Pensions are kept separate

I would also add that we both have secure, six figure salaries in senior positions. She even makes about 10k more annually. However, I have 10x the savings from a prior business.

Edited
Show quote history

So, if you eventually have children together and she takes maternity leave and then you 2 split up, she gets absolutely shafted by you financially? I can see why she wouldn't sign that agreement. Being the one that would carry, birth and initially rear an infant, she is in a much more vulnerable position than you are financially and you want a legal agreement that that risk is all on her, even if you are married? I hope she tells you to do one and finds someone who actually wants to share a life with her.

CottonCandyLand · 17/02/2025 21:59

I thought you might be in Canada, OP.

Common-law is a thing here. If she decided to move out in a year or more she would be afforded the same rights as if they were married.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 17/02/2025 21:57

NeatBiscuit · 17/02/2025 20:04

It would be long first post if I included more information and it is easy to form a conclusion without knowing the complete picture. However, we have had a tumultuous year while living together with both highs and extreme lows. We have also been in therapy for the majority of the year. She even broke up with me three times while living together.

I simply want a stable, loving and peaceful relationship while knowing that if we grow apart and separate, I can still retire at a modest age. I don't want the devastation of losing my partner/family, financial assets, and be forced to work longer.

I can see how some are perceiving me as selfish but I simply want to protect what I have worked hard for. Not to mention the great risks that I have taken to get here.

I'm also open to building clauses into the agreement that would account for time spent taking care of children -- even though that will be a joint responsibility. We mutually fed into the agreement along with the terms.

This isn't your future wife OP.
Like many have said, walk away.

101Nutella · 17/02/2025 21:55

But to add: YANBU about protection.
that shouldn’t make someone upset with you and it’s a huge red flag.

it sounds like you’ve both been through a lot together so maybe having a pause for a while wouldn’t be the worse thing.

101Nutella · 17/02/2025 21:53

YABU in that if it’s a deal breaker you should walk away.

i wouldn’t sign your agreement if planning to have children with you because of the well documented ‘motherhood tax’, which you’re overlooking by saying ‘we would both have time off’. It’s beyond maternity leave. It’s whether you both place value on raising your own kids- if so: someone has to do that instead of being at work. As such they lose pension, training opportunities and thus earning power through potential.

you also don’t know what is going to happen physically during birth and the rehab / recovery/ long term effects. Given that you can’t grow a child and birth it- you need to financially support that one who can. It’s so much more admin to look after a child etc and in my experience one person takes more of the hit, which affects their career.

CactusSammy · 17/02/2025 21:53

However, we have had a tumultuous year while living together with both highs and extreme lows. We have also been in therapy for the majority of the year. She even broke up with me three times while living together.

You've spent 1.5 years living together, and spent a year of that bloody miserable.

It doesn't look good @NeatBiscuit, and I'd say you were flogging a dead horse with this relationship. If you're not getting on at the start, when living together is all still shiny and new, its never going to work. My advice would be to separate, and absolutely have no more unprotected sex with her.

She's backtracking on signing because she isn't sure it will last, and might as well hedge her bets on getting half of your savings if it all goes tits.

Velvian · 17/02/2025 21:52

If your retirement plans are based on your current lifestyle and you want children, those plans will change, you cannot expect to be protected from the financial hit of having your own children. I suspect this may be what this is about.

Velvian · 17/02/2025 21:49

This is very weird @NeatBiscuit , you have no children, no property and she earns more than you do. More importantly, you don't even seem to like her.

I'm not convinced that she has gone back on anything either, this seems like it's all your idea.

Kahless · 17/02/2025 21:43

So you've split 3 times, and been in therapy

Why are you together?

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 17/02/2025 21:41

You've been together 1.5 years, a tumultuous time , therapy for a year together and all this agg.
It doesn't sound "right" OP.
Find someone who brings out the best, most generous, most loving bit of you. This isn't it.

LondonLawyer · 17/02/2025 21:39

Dror · 17/02/2025 14:49

What's the point of the cohabitation agreement if you planned to get married anyway? Marriage makes you financially and legally unified.

Using a condom despite having IVF to get pregnant?

Not with a ante-nuptual or post-nuptual agreement, you aren't. They don't automatically bind a judge in England & Wales on divorce, but they have a significant influence.

Starlightstarbright4 · 17/02/2025 21:37

Honestly most won’t understand you co habitation agreement as it’s not a thing here in the uk .

but putting all that aside . I think you were right to use a condom . It doesn’t sound very stable ..

it also sounds like you want different things .. I wouldn’t want to be with someone I couldn’t even discuss money with .

The comment that stood out the most was I don’t want to give her a reason to divorce me .. before marriage that’s a low expectation.

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 17/02/2025 21:35

Achyarms · 17/02/2025 15:51

This whole thing sounds very transactional and not trusting. Lacking in care and love

Yes. I’ve never lived off a partner, and wouldn’t want to. I’ve always paid my way. But I can see where things would change if I had a child to care for and needed to cut down on work. And I wouldn’t anyway want to live with someone who felt a need to protect his money or property from me.

gamerchick · 17/02/2025 21:34

Genevieva · 17/02/2025 21:31

Clearly not. They are renting.

Show quote history

She's right though. He thinks more of money than anything else.

We all go out the same way dude. Unclench a bit.

Naunet · 17/02/2025 21:33

WeightLoss2025 · 17/02/2025 21:00

@Naunet and she's expecting him to trust her despite the fact that she has reneged on the agreement, and quite possibly is trying to get pregnant without his express agreement.

The relationship sounds like a mess and should just come to an end. No way would I put myself through 12 months of therapy with someone who has gone back on an agreement, possibly tried to get pregnant without my agreement and broken up with me 3 times in the space of 18months.

OP has already said its a deal breaker if she doesn't sign, so we're talking about his proposed agreement, which isn't fair, if he's not willing to trust her, he can't expect her to trust him saying he will help out financially in the event of them having a baby. The agreement needs to be fair to both.

Having said that, I agree, the relationship is a mess and they should separate.

User0103 · 17/02/2025 21:31

BruceAndNosh · 17/02/2025 14:47

You're having IVF but you used a condom in case she got pregnant?

Yes, this is the official advice,

Genevieva · 17/02/2025 21:31

gamerchick · 17/02/2025 21:26

This is..... weird. Are you properly minted?

Clearly not. They are renting.

DorothyStorm · 17/02/2025 21:30

NeatBiscuit · 17/02/2025 20:04

It would be long first post if I included more information and it is easy to form a conclusion without knowing the complete picture. However, we have had a tumultuous year while living together with both highs and extreme lows. We have also been in therapy for the majority of the year. She even broke up with me three times while living together.

I simply want a stable, loving and peaceful relationship while knowing that if we grow apart and separate, I can still retire at a modest age. I don't want the devastation of losing my partner/family, financial assets, and be forced to work longer.

I can see how some are perceiving me as selfish but I simply want to protect what I have worked hard for. Not to mention the great risks that I have taken to get here.

I'm also open to building clauses into the agreement that would account for time spent taking care of children -- even though that will be a joint responsibility. We mutually fed into the agreement along with the terms.

you need to end the relationship. This is not working. You cannot create s contract to force her to stay married. Sorry, incentivise.

Hyperbowl · 17/02/2025 21:29

Regardless of any agreement I would automatically end a relationship of any nature where either party doesn’t respect the choice of a condom being used by the other party. That’s a basic violation. Can you imagine what would be said if it were a man becoming upset over a condom being used?

Cut ties and don’t look back. I can’t see as from what you’ve said that you would regret it. She’s gone back on her word with regards to the agreement and wants you to engage in unprotected sex which you’ve explicitly expressed that you’re not happy with then to emotionally blackmail you because of it is actually sexual abuse and emotional abuse. You can do better.

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