Partner changed their mind on cohabitation agreement

Hear hear!

She needs to ask you to leave.

There’s no way on earth I would be signing a contract like that, and I especially wouldn’t marry and have children with such a self-centred and narrow minded man.

I think you are totally clueless about what marriage actually is……do you honestly believe it’s so black and white?

As a previous poster said, what if you have a disabled child that needs 24/7 care? Where does that leave the wife who will no doubt be the one expected to give up her job to look after the child?

Me and my husband have been married for 11 years and have two children, and we used to have similar incomes. Sadly I had a huge deterioration in my health about two years ago and Iam no longer able to work which means we are solely dependent on his income. What would you do if you wife came to be in a similar situation?

Life can throw many curve balls and you are ridiculously naive if you think life is just going to carry on in the way it currently is your lovely equal salaries and nobody being at any kind of advantage over the other. Life really doesn’t work like that when children come along or illness strikes.

When I read the section about inheritances being kept for the individual person I was Gob smacked! Over the next 15 years it’s likely I am going to receive 3 very healthy inheritances whereas my husband has no family, and according to you I should just squirrel this money away to myself and enjoy all my thousands upon thousands whilst my husband watches on? I mean….what the hell? How can you even think that is normal behaviour? All the money I will inherit will always be just as much his as it is mine.

Marriage is about committing to each other and being willing to share everything you have with each other, knowing that you are a secure unit and knowing that you always have that support.

Putting all this aside, the fact there has been so much drama over the last 1.5 years says to me that this is not a relationship worth keeping anyway. It all just sounds so cold hearted and toxic and certainly not something either of you should want long-term.

I don’t know what your relationship is based on but it certainly isn’t love.

Yeah that is not a fair agreement - a fair agreement would include the clause that she would never wash any of your clothes, do any of your dishes, cook for you, do any more than 50% of all childcare and you would split the cost of a surrogate to carry your child.

Do you know that it takes up to 3 years for your hormones to return to normal after pregnancy, your body changes forever, it alters your brain - in some cases forever. I never knew any of this stuff before I got pregnant - it is crazy how much you are affected! It is a huge personal sacrifice for women to carry a child - they risk their lives, they damage their careers (stats back this) and in the vast majority of cases they are the ones who end up missing work because little Timmy is sick, doing the night feeds and night wakings, scrubbing shit stains out of baby clothes, driving little Timmy to the playground and so on. I am a feminist, all my male friends are feminists and swore they would not be like their fathers and it would be 50:50 yet when I ask their partners now they all say the same - they do some stuff but it is never equal! The stereotype of the woman managing the household and her husband is a stereotype for a reason - it is very very common - the men who do 50:50 or the lions share are rare diamonds!

Personally I agree with you about everything pre marriage and kids and if you were remaining childless I would agree with it (albeit with a housework clause as it is also a rare man who does 50:50). However, once you have kids it is a game changer - you are partners and should pool all future income and pensions.

You say you are protecting yourself from your partner leaving you but the much more common thing is that the man gets sulky that his wife is looking after dear little Timmy and isn’t attending his needs as much and decides he has no choice but to leave her for a 20 year old and become an Every Other Weekend Dad - throwing her peanuts towards Timmy’s care while darting off to exotic locations with his new child bride. There is no way in hell I would sign an agreement like yours and be left holding the baby with no proper support in place.

Canadian law does recognise 'common law' relationships - although the rules vary by province and are subject to change without warning.

Depending on the laws of OP's province, they may already be considered a common law partnership and their rights may already be determined to some extent.

Apparently (according to Google!) having children automatically formalises the relationship so, if she gets pregnant, OP's girlfriend could be entitled to half of whatever he has.

If you're both thinking of marriage, kids etc with each other down the line, then I don't think the agreement or the pre-nup is fair, because it's the woman's earning power and career that often gets thoroughly curtailed, in order to raise the man's kids. Then, on top of that financial punishment, she has to sign away rights and protections that marriage would have given her.

If protecting your assets from the woman you want to bear and raise your kids is so important to you, then a partner with a big financial disparity is not the right one. Find someone who has the same wealth - or more - than you, but not lots less.

Pre-nups for anyone but the super-rich are usually appropriate when it's a second marriage and there are children from the first marriage whom the parent wants to inherit. They're not an appropriate thing to foist on someone who's probably going to be the default parent. After all, no one's forcing you to be with someone much less wealthy than you. Don't make her sign away her rights and then expect her to devote her life to raising your kids instead of to her own career. Since she earns much less than you, obviously it would be her who'd take the career and financial hit from kids.

I would ask yourself some deep questions, too. Why do you need this agreement so much? Do you not trust her? Do you feel, subconsciously, that marriage is not for life? Or that marriage to HER would not be for life? Do you enjoy the control in a relationship that comes from being with someone who has a lot less than you? If not, and ringfencing your money is so important to you, why aren't you with your financial equal?

I'm not saying that any of the above describe you. I just think that those questions would provide some useful introspection.

I'm with you @NeatBiscuit well done for using a condom when you want the agreement signed first. This site is full of people going 'he could have used birth control if he didn't want a kid' then here they are whinging cos you are being proactive :)

No it doesn't.

Edited to say I can see you are in Canada, clearly the law is different to England and Wales.

What was your mother like, @NeatBiscuit? Does she blow hot & cold, break her commitments and enact emotional punishments? I'm wondering why you've stuck this out for a year and a half.

Your whole relationship sounds full of suspicion and mistrust. It's a waste of time going forward. Cut your losses and call it a day. Don't bring a child into this.

We have also been in therapy for the majority of the year. She even broke up with me three times while living together.

Good grief! This is not a stable, happy, peaceful or mutually enhancing relationship.

I simply want a stable, loving and peaceful relationship

That's normal. It's not what you're getting here, is it?

You're with a partner who:

• Is stalling on formalising your partnership
• Is trying to force pregnancy
• Breaks up with you every few months
• Is unclear on what she wants
• Tries to emotionally blackmail you.

I'm sure she has brilliant qualities, and presumably you have some happy times as you're both still there. But, frankly, she sounds like a disaster area. You won't believe how much nicer life can be when you're with someone who's upfront about who she is and whose values align with yours.

Given you’ve already broken up 3 times in the last 18 months you’re absolutely right to want to protect your assets and your fertility. A relationship shouldn’t be this hard this early in. The terms become very unfavorable to her if you marry and have children. She’s much more likely to take a hit to her career and therefore earning potential, and therefore I can see why she wouldn’t want it. That said, you appear to be incompatible and I would look towards ending the relationship.

I think you’re being sensible op & I would be the same. I would also be happy to sign if my DH put in 10x the amount too. It’s fair. Relationships can & do break down.

This is such a young relationship. Stick to your guns.

If you’ve been in therapy at this early stage in a relationship, it doesn’t sound great. I would think really carefully whether you want to be with her - if you’ve had extreme lows so early on, it just doesn’t seem right. It should all be a total honeymoon at this stage.

I think you need to walk.

I am sensing that you have no interest in marriage (now or ever) and are possibly wealthy so being cautious. It’s unromantic, but this site is full of people who rushed headlong into relationship without considering their finances and have found themselves - especially the women - at a disadvantage. There is no reason why you can’t both have a happy, life long relationship without marriage but give her certainty/security and reassure her that you will protect her if she is impacted by you having children together. That should have been at the forefront of any discussion about money, and she ought to have been present at the meeting with your lawyer prior to drafting it, so that it’s contents were not a surprise.

But if you cannot discuss this and reach an agreement on how to do this first step, then you have no hope of managing decisions about children.

This is not a life partnership. Move out. Move on. Now.

Split up 3 times? And she is doing egg retrieval.

You have only been together 18m!!!

Find a more stable relationship please.

You do need to listen to your inner wisdom which is giving you pause to think again and reconsider . And you haven't mentioned love and day to day compatability . I think your agreement is completely fair and reasonable .You don't want to lose the security you have worked so hard for for someone who may not love you and who is looking at the financial side of things for herself . Your having so much extra capital complicates things as it is much simpler if you are more equal in that way . You shouldn't have to be talking yourself into continuing the relationship . It should be easy and enjoyable at this stage .

"However, we have had a tumultuous year while living together with both highs and extreme lows. We have also been in therapy for the majority of the year. She even broke up with me three times while living together."

The agreement is a red herring. This is not a relationship that will make either of you happy. It's really not supposed to be this difficult

You need to separate…. She isn’t signing and there’s likely to be an ‘accidental’ pregnancy imminent if it’s anything like 90% of couples I know. It’s hard, it hurts and there will be lots of crying / screaming but if you’re trying to safeguard your future, the at will be easier to handle from a legal standpoint than further down the line with marriage and/or kids involved.

I say this as a married woman with children who has left relationships when ex partners tried to force me to change boundaries (one was stealthing and deliberately poisoning my food to make me ill hoping I’d fall pregnant)…. You aren’t on the same page, it’s easier to end it now

Completely get why you want an agreement in place to cohabit. It protects both your interests in the event of a split. After all marriage is in fact a legal document/ceremony where you agree to certain terms and conditions. The party is extra.

What I do find concerning is your partners inability to actually deal with this and seems to be just getting upset. I am not sure you are a compatible couple tbh.

Doesn't sound like a healthy sustainable relationship built on trust.

Most relationships ebb and flow - I saved the deposit and brought a house he moved into - the sale went towards out next home - we had children and I stayed home so he paid the mortgage until I found another job, I moved countries so he could earn more -

Even staying home meant my pension is half what his is, my salary will never now match his - caring for children has meant by career and earning power has diminshed.

We wouldn’t have such a large house had I not proved the deposit. We wouldn’t have well balanced children if it wasn’t for me being home to care for them allowing his career to develop.

Believe me - money isn’t the reason I stay - We wouldn’t be a team if it was all his and mine. We have supported each other over the last 25 years.

If he gave me a prenup I wouldn’t have signed it.

If you look at inheritance, mine was 0, then my parents luck changed and my inheritance will out weigh his.

You just don’t know what challenges life will throw at you, and you need to work together.

You think her contribution is going to be way smaller or less value than yours or you think you are equal partners. Which is it?

You’re clearly a very successful businessman and therefore presumably a rather intelligent person, yet you’re making some absolutely idiotic decisions here.

Living together for 1.5 years, broken up three times and you’re both already in therapy?

Forget the agreement, this woman is not the one.

Run.

It all sounds supremely depressing and I suddenly feel really happy not to have quite so much money.

"I'm also open to building clauses into the agreement that would account for time spent taking care of children -- even though that will be a joint responsibility."
And yet - this wasn't dealt with from the beginning. Why not?

"I have politely and periodically reminded my partner about the agreement throughout the course of living with her. I told her that I would not "take the next step" with her in our relationship until we officialize the agreement. This is in terms of buying a home, getting married, having children, etc."
You see? You drafted this not-really-agreeing-agreement as a precursor to all that - but didn't think it through about what agreements would have to be made about marriage, children etc. Why not?

You're showing a shocking lack of knowledge (lack of interest?) in how having children would affect your partner. They don't call it the Motherhood Penalty for nothing! Google it! Her career would be impacted pretty much permanently. Are you going to write a clause for that?

Pregnancy, giving birth, breastfeeding - you cannot have 'joint responsibility' for that, can you? Pregnancy is tough, permanently changing your body, opening you to conditions like gestational diabetes, symphysis pubis dysfunction, and a hundred other complications. Going to write a clause for that? Or how about birth injury, where she could be permanently disabled? Clause for that? How about being left incontinent? Clause for that? Do you see how inadequate your approach to a shared future is?

You’re probably being reasonable. But I wouldn’t want to be with a man who wasn’t willing to take a risk by being with me 🤷🏽‍♀️ It sounds more like a business contract than a passionate love story, and I couldn’t resign myself to that. I think you’ll find a woman who would happily sign the contract; but I don’t think she’d be madly in love with you.