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Original poster

Partner changed their mind on cohabitation agreement

314 replies

NeatBiscuit · 17/02/2025 14:45

My partner and I have been living together for 1.5 years. Prior to moving in together, we agreed to have a cohabitation agreement drafted by a lawyer because of our disparity in assets. While the agreement has been drafted, it has not been signed yet and it is therefore not legally binding.

I have politely and periodically reminded my partner about the agreement throughout the course of living with her. I told her that I would not "take the next step" with her in our relationship until we officialize the agreement. This is in terms of buying a home, getting married, having children, etc.

On Valentine's Day, we tried to be intimate together. The intimacy stopped when I wanted to use a condom. I wanted to use one because she is off birth control due to IVF/egg retrieval. Although the risk of pregancy is low due to ovulation cycles, it is still a possibility. Since then, she has reflected on that moment and has been thoroughly upset at me. She was upset that my decision for wanting to use a condom was driven by the unsigned agreement.

She told me that I put finances ahead of everything else. She also said that she has been working on reading the agreement and contacting her lawyer about it. While she has been doing that, I don't know where she stands with the terms in the agreement because we have yet to discuss it together.

Last night and while she was upset, she told me that she won't be signing it anymore. She said that she initially wanted to sign one as a "gift" to me but now thinks I don't trust her.

I feel mislead and betrayed. I wouldn't have moved in with her if she told me that from the start. Also, I've been extremely patient with her all this time. I was never pushy about the subject. I only brought it up when it came to the big, life altering decisions.

OP posts:
Rugbyrover · 17/02/2025 18:30

You're a cold fish OP

Puddingrun · 17/02/2025 18:27

I'm afraid I wouldn't sign that. I'm not the most romantic person in the world and am probably very sensible when it comes to money, but God that is clinical and cold. It feels like you don't trust her even before you have walked down the aisle. I would have been insulted if my husband had asked me to sign that before I got married and I definitely wouldn't have hung around to put the wedding ring on my finger.

Are you set to inherit a large amount of money? How old are you both?

AubernFable · 17/02/2025 18:27

This is such a weird post. It looks more like a business arrangement than a romantic relationship to me. Why are you thinking about prenups prior to engagement?

Unless you’re a millionaire and she used to be your sugar baby or something, I really can’t see the need for this amount of formality- unless you don’t actually plan to spend your life with her.

arcticpandas · 17/02/2025 18:25

LEWWW · 17/02/2025 18:07

Ermmm…if she’s planning to have children with you I wouldn’t sign that either. You never know what will happen, what if you have children with severe disabilities which means she can’t work/ends up permanently unwell herself after birth(always a risk) cause I can guarantee you wouldn’t be giving up work to look after a disabled child etc, it would be her career that would suffer and then you could just divorce her and leave her with nothing.

Hardly like she’s just with you for your money since she earns a similar wage herself, if you don't want to share assets you shouldn’t be getting married.

This! I wasn't married yet but my dh is not a dick and supported me being a sahm to an autistic child. It's always the women who give everything up for their children because we just tend to put them first. My DH was happy with this because he wouldn't/couldn't have done it and to me it came naturally and I couldn't have left my baby when I know he needed me.

Tandora · 17/02/2025 18:19

I wouldn’t be signing that; don’t blame her at all.

arcticpandas · 17/02/2025 18:19

NeatBiscuit · 17/02/2025 17:04

Yes it would be a deal breaker and she is aware of that. We have talked about marriage and I don't want there to be an incentive for her to divorce me. I also have no issues contributing more finacially to our future potential home and family.

Show quote history

I must admit that I find you highly suspicious of her. If my DH had asked me to sign a prenup I would have walked out on him. But then again we had been together for 10 years with two small dc when we got married. I appreciate that your situation is different and personally I don't see why you want to marry if you don't have children. For me it was about having the same family name but there is also more security for the person being at home raising the children if you're married. But you're not there yet so why not just enjoy each other ?

I understand that you might want to protect your assets if she leaves you but your agreement goes way beyond that and I understand her not being happy about it, especially if you are planning to have children.

Ponderingwindow · 17/02/2025 18:17

She doesn’t just take a financial hit while having the baby, it is lifelong. Statistics show this again and again.

I wish I could talk to your girlfriend because I would tell her to get out of this relationship asap. You don’t respect her. If you did, you would not be trying to get her to sign something that didn’t protect her in the event of a pregnancy.

outerspacepotato · 17/02/2025 18:07

I'd split as it would seem to me she wasn't acting in good faith. She hasn't signed the agreement as she previously said she would and is objecting to you wearing a condom (this is a Big Deal). This seems like she is really pushing your boundaries.

You really shouldn't have moved in together without the agreement signed by both parties

LEWWW · 17/02/2025 18:07

Ermmm…if she’s planning to have children with you I wouldn’t sign that either. You never know what will happen, what if you have children with severe disabilities which means she can’t work/ends up permanently unwell herself after birth(always a risk) cause I can guarantee you wouldn’t be giving up work to look after a disabled child etc, it would be her career that would suffer and then you could just divorce her and leave her with nothing.

Hardly like she’s just with you for your money since she earns a similar wage herself, if you don't want to share assets you shouldn’t be getting married.

Dinosweetpea · 17/02/2025 18:05

Ph3 · 17/02/2025 17:08

I am going to be blunt. I wouldn’t marry you, conceive with you and be asking you to move out.

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Absolutely this. Not a chance in hell I'd sign that!

Teenybub · 17/02/2025 18:05

SometimesCalmPerson · 17/02/2025 17:59

If she doesn’t want to sign then she’s too invested in the money. Having children is clearly important to her, and that could mean she would prefer a partner who is prepared to pay for her to be a SAHP. If she’s planning on keeping her own career then she has nothing to lose by signing, but if she’s hoping for a lifestyle to be paid for by you then she knows she’d be taking a risk. She needs to be honest about what she wants. Her sulking over contraception and refusal to discuss it suggests that she doesn’t want to be honest with you, because she knows you’ll want something different.

Is wanting protection being too invested in money? I’m pregnant, I earn more than DP and always will whilst in this role. When I am on maternity leave my pension will take a hit, realistically my hours will be reduced after so that I can accommodate childcare, as a result I will potentially be overlooked for promotion at work (have you heard of the gender pay gap, it doesn’t just cover hourly rate). OP seems to have created a document that just covers protecting him, her wanting protection doesn’t mean she wants to pack in work and become a kept woman, to me it suggests she has her head screwed on.

DazedDragon · 17/02/2025 18:02

NeatBiscuit · 17/02/2025 16:34

It stipulates that in the event of separation/divorce:

  • My money is mine to keep and hers is hers to keep
  • We keep our money separate and the future growth and accumulation of the money is tied to the individual
  • Family inheritances/gifts are tied to the individual
  • if one person spends more money on a home purchase, they would be entitled to recover that money when the house sells (I.e. if we buy a 1M home and I pay 600k but she pays 400k, we would each receive our original investment)
  • Home sale profits are shared evenly (50/50)
  • We are both waiving spousal support
  • Pensions are kept separate

I would also add that we both have secure, six figure salaries in senior positions. She even makes about 10k more annually. However, I have 10x the savings from a prior business.

Edited
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If you spend your entire life focused on money, you're going to live a very sad and lonely life.

It's just MONEY FFS!! Materialistic crap. No amount of money can come close to having a close relationship with a person and a baby.

So if you want to spend your nights cuddled up to wads of cash, then you're going the right way about it.

If you want to actually focus on people and not money, they stop all this pre-nup contract stuff.

Chillilounger · 17/02/2025 18:01

Yeah no way I would sign that. It gives her no protection whatsoever.

Noodlewave · 17/02/2025 18:00

You don't sound compatible. Time to throw this one back

SometimesCalmPerson · 17/02/2025 17:59

If she doesn’t want to sign then she’s too invested in the money. Having children is clearly important to her, and that could mean she would prefer a partner who is prepared to pay for her to be a SAHP. If she’s planning on keeping her own career then she has nothing to lose by signing, but if she’s hoping for a lifestyle to be paid for by you then she knows she’d be taking a risk. She needs to be honest about what she wants. Her sulking over contraception and refusal to discuss it suggests that she doesn’t want to be honest with you, because she knows you’ll want something different.

TequilaNights · 17/02/2025 17:54

If it is a non negotiable for you to continue without this agreement, and she is now refusing to sign, then it is time to find your own place to move to.

The unprotected sex is well within your rights to say no to, regardless, props to you for sticking to your guns and being sensible.

Cardinalita90 · 17/02/2025 17:52

Putting aside whether the agreement is fair or not, it's pretty obvious she's got no intention of signing it after 1.5 years of living together already. So you need to accept that and move on as things are, or move out.

Merryoldgoat · 17/02/2025 17:52

NeatBiscuit · 17/02/2025 16:34

It stipulates that in the event of separation/divorce:

  • My money is mine to keep and hers is hers to keep
  • We keep our money separate and the future growth and accumulation of the money is tied to the individual
  • Family inheritances/gifts are tied to the individual
  • if one person spends more money on a home purchase, they would be entitled to recover that money when the house sells (I.e. if we buy a 1M home and I pay 600k but she pays 400k, we would each receive our original investment)
  • Home sale profits are shared evenly (50/50)
  • We are both waiving spousal support
  • Pensions are kept separate

I would also add that we both have secure, six figure salaries in senior positions. She even makes about 10k more annually. However, I have 10x the savings from a prior business.

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Why do you want to get married? If this is your list of stipulations there’s no point.

Move out and move on.

Uol2022 · 17/02/2025 17:48

NeatBiscuit · 17/02/2025 17:04

Yes it would be a deal breaker and she is aware of that. We have talked about marriage and I don't want there to be an incentive for her to divorce me. I also have no issues contributing more finacially to our future potential home and family.

Show quote history

You could give her half your money upfront, then she would also have no incentive to divorce you 👍

So if you buy a home for you and your children you want to make sure she’s trapped and that your children will suffer if she leaves? Sounds lovely.

Maybe there are parts of the agreement that could be changed, maybe she would be okay with something a bit softer - as it is you’ve basically wiped out all the financial obligations of marriage, might as well just say you don’t want to marry her but want all the benefits of having a wife and someone to have your children.

In the end, if that’s what you require and she’s not up for it then you have your answer. Gotta ask yourself does your money matter more to you than having a life together and a family with the woman you presumably love?

BeaAndBen · 17/02/2025 17:46

It sounds like this has run its course - what is a deal breaker for you and a deal breaker for her are different.

Anyone getting upset about a partner using birth control is certainly out of order.

TheRosesAreInBloom · 17/02/2025 17:46

Ph3 · 17/02/2025 17:08

I am going to be blunt. I wouldn’t marry you, conceive with you and be asking you to move out.

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^^this - with bells on

Devianinc · 17/02/2025 17:37

It just sounds like you don’t trust her and therefore you need to walk away, woman take the bigger risk just having children and what future possibilities might bring to her with raising said children.

TagSplashMaverick · 17/02/2025 17:33

I wouldn’t sign that. And I wouldn’t continue a relationship with you.

PandaTime · 17/02/2025 17:31

MsCactus · 17/02/2025 17:30

This makes no sense. Why would you use a condom when going through IVF? Surely you agreed to IVF to impregnate her. I'm confused by this OP

Because having unprotected sex while going through IVF is how you end up pregnant with 13 babies.

MsCactus · 17/02/2025 17:30

This makes no sense. Why would you use a condom when going through IVF? Surely you agreed to IVF to impregnate her. I'm confused by this OP

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