Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about not wanting to go to my friend's hen do?

32 replies

HBot · 17/02/2025 13:33

My friend is getting married this August and I have offered to help out with the hen do with organising it. She isn't a super close friend but part of a sports team I belong to.
Most of us are strapped for cash (me especially) so I wanted to organise a fun party where people paid an upfront amount which covered them for entertainment, food and drink. This would have been about £50 and included everything (unless they wanted to go out after!)
We have a hen do group chat where people have been very vocal about offering ideas for the party and today someone mentioned about going to a local festival for the day.
Which sounds great but it is £55 for the ticket, which doesn't include drink, food or transport. I can set myself a budget for the day but it is going to be a fair amount more than I wanted to spend.
In addition, I worry that people will just go off and do their own thing for the day, rather than hang around the bride. And we will have to pay extra if we wanted to do any hen do games.
People are more excited about doing the festival which is fine but it's made me not want to go now especially since it's not the hen do I had imagined.
Am I being unreasonable about not wanting to go or should I should just suck it up?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
wizzywig · 04/07/2025 18:07

Glad it all worked out

Original poster
HBot · 04/07/2025 13:20

Iceandfire92 · 03/07/2025 14:37

Sorry but you are being stingy. Have you been living in the world for the past 10 years and do you have an awareness of inflation? £55 plus food/drink is absolutely nothing, assuming you have time to save for it. So many people are having week-long hens in Ibiza, this hen sounds completely affordable and considerate of all budgets. Don't be that person quibbling over a minimal amount of money unless you don't care about your relationship with the bride moving forward. I would be upset if one of my friends refused to pay such a small amount of money for a festival ticket for my hen.

Edited

Thank you for your response. Perhaps some further context would be helpful. This is the hen's 3rd hen do, the other two included a weekend in Bournemouth and an afternoon tea. She wanted an additional hen do which focussed on her friendship group, hence why everyone's budget was low. I know that some people aren't considerate of other people's finanicial commitments but the bride was really conscious that a lot of us don't have a large disposable income and so wanted it to be affordable for everyone. £55 may be 'such a small amount' to you, but for some, it's a alot, especially when it isn't a fixed amount for a hen do at a festival.
I'm really pleased for you that you're in a position to think that £55 is a 'minimal amount of money' but for some of us, it's difficult to save.
Anyway the hen do turned out amazing and the bride admitted that she would have hated to go the festival. I'm really grateful to have friends who value inclusion and shared fun over activities that might exclude someone because of cost. It means a lot to be around people who are considerate of everyone’s circumstances and I hope you find this for yourself too.

OP posts:
Iceandfire92 · 03/07/2025 14:37

Sorry but you are being stingy. Have you been living in the world for the past 10 years and do you have an awareness of inflation? £55 plus food/drink is absolutely nothing, assuming you have time to save for it. So many people are having week-long hens in Ibiza, this hen sounds completely affordable and considerate of all budgets. Don't be that person quibbling over a minimal amount of money unless you don't care about your relationship with the bride moving forward. I would be upset if one of my friends refused to pay such a small amount of money for a festival ticket for my hen.

stanleypops66 · 17/02/2025 15:50

Your overall hoped for budget is really really low. What activity were you thinking that you could get for that price plus food and drink. I went on a hen do recently (a full weekend) but one of the activities (live art drawing) was like £400. It was amazing. Food , snacks and drinks per person for that day only was at least £60. That was for a takeaway curry, nibbles throughout the day, a cocktail, Prosecco/ beers for the evening.

The festival sounds like fun.

Sassybooklover · 17/02/2025 15:30

The bride has given you a blanket 'I don't mind', which isn't particularly helpful! If the festival is the general consensus, then I would make it be known that you simply can't afford to do it, and that someone else would need to take over the organisation. I don't think that's unfair or unreasonable. You can't pay money out, that you can't afford, it's that simple. One of my bridesmaids wanted to organise taking me to a drag night on my hen night...my other bridesmaid had to firmly tell her, that I'd hate it, as it's not my cup of tea. The other bridesmaid sulked, because the other didn't agree with her. She was politely reminded that the hen night had to be something I would enjoy, not hate!

OVienna · 17/02/2025 14:57

I agree that unless the bride is specifically requesting this, the festival feels more like a day out and not a 'celebration' of the bride. Do the people who suggested it have a reason to think she'd want to attend? Or is it actually something THEY would prefer to do on that date and hence suggested it?

rookiemere · 17/02/2025 14:51

I'm afraid I have to say that a festival sounds like a great idea for a hen do.
If your max budget is £25 for the day then I would say happy to go with that as an option but you will need to do your own drinks and food for the day and cannot afford to be in a kitty or pay for any extras. Hopefully people will understand that.

Original poster
HBot · 17/02/2025 14:42

PrincessChicken · 17/02/2025 14:29

Echoing what others have said, it’s not about you! Do what you think the bride would most prefer, and if you can’t afford to go, that’s understandable.

Also soft YABU thinking £75 is an excessive amount to spend on a hen - perhaps it is for you and that’s your prerogative, but it’s definitely not considered pricey for this.

I know it's not about me - that wasn't my intention of the OP but can see how it comes across like that. I have questioned myself now thinking am I making this about me 😂
We have asked the bride to give us a rough idea of what she would like to do and she has just said that she doesn't mind.
I would love to go to a festival where drinks and food would total about £25 but I think realistically it would be alot more especially as we are not allowed to bring stuff in and sadly I just dont have the budget to be spending lots on a hen do, hence trying to throw a party where it was all in. I know it doesnt seem lots overall but since I dont have a huge disposable income, it does add up for me.
I think it is a good idea to offer a poll in the group and say the options to the bride. And then do what she would prefer to do!

OP posts:
PrincessChicken · 17/02/2025 14:29

Echoing what others have said, it’s not about you! Do what you think the bride would most prefer, and if you can’t afford to go, that’s understandable.

Also soft YABU thinking £75 is an excessive amount to spend on a hen - perhaps it is for you and that’s your prerogative, but it’s definitely not considered pricey for this.

BreezyScroller · 17/02/2025 14:26

£50 or £100 for a hen is a bargain. If it's too much, of course you are not BU to decline. No one should go into debt for a hen party.

Massive YABU to refuse to go because that's not your preferred day out, it's not about you, and it's not dangerous, offensive or something you would have a good reason to refuse.

User543211 · 17/02/2025 14:25

We went to a festival for my best friend's hen (Love saves the day) and everyone split up and we hardly saw the bride. One group to the toilet, the bar, getting food etc. It was fine but we were very separate and constantly trying to find eachother.
I think your idea sounds a bit 'meh' though and might have landed better if there was more of a plan?

Acc0untant · 17/02/2025 14:20

HBot · 17/02/2025 13:48

I should have probably added that the bride doesnt know what we are doing for the day - it's a surprise for her. I totally agree that if she wants to go and organises it, I shouldn't complain

Show quote history

You've offered to organise it on her behalf, that doesn't give you carte blanche to organise what you would want to suit solely your budget. If you think the bride would enjoy the festival and these other friends know her better then that's what you organise. If you can't afford it then so be it, bow out.

InTheRainOnATrain · 17/02/2025 14:15

This reads like you want to drop out because your idea wasn’t at hit. If the wedding is August I’m presuming you’re looking at June/July for the hen. Your idea was £50 pp whilst theirs is £55 plus maybe £20 for some lunch and a few drinks so really not a significant difference especially when you have months to save up the extra. It’s supposed to be about the bride and what she would like- would she enjoy a festival or cheesy games in a hall more? I think either scrap the surprise element, it’s a bit daft really, and ask the bride to decide. Or put a poll in the group with your idea + the festival so everyone can have their say counted, not just the most vocal, but you should be willing to accept the results either way.

NiftyKoala · 17/02/2025 14:12

You are not unreasonable to not go over the cost. You are unreasonable to not go because it's not as you imagined.

Shmee1988 · 17/02/2025 14:04

Does the bride like festivals? It would be my worst nightmare tbh

JaneFoe · 17/02/2025 14:01

Don't know anyone who would want a surprise festival for their hen do. Ask the bride what she wants.

Moonnstars · 17/02/2025 13:57

HBot · 17/02/2025 13:48

I should have probably added that the bride doesnt know what we are doing for the day - it's a surprise for her. I totally agree that if she wants to go and organises it, I shouldn't complain

Show quote history

I don't understand this surprise business. I would make both suggestions to the hen and see which she prefers.

GabbyP · 17/02/2025 13:55

It’s about the bride, not you. Unless you really can’t afford it, it’s a bit churlish to drop out because you’d rather do something else. Festival sounds far better than function room and games.

Hazeby · 17/02/2025 13:54

Could you put a survey in the group?
Option A: party, games, food, cost per head.
Option B: festival, food & drink etc., cost per head.

Then let people vote? There might be other people in the group who have budget constraints.

You will have to go with it if they choose the festival though.

Hazeby · 17/02/2025 13:51

Is it the sort of festival that you can take your own food and drink into?

Ablondiebutagoody · 17/02/2025 13:50

It's a group decision so you will have to go with the majority..........but if it rains, will be the shittest hen do ever

MomBruh · 17/02/2025 13:49

I actually think the festival hen do is quite a good idea, but agree you're looking an extra £20 for some food truck lunch & drinks will be £££ on top plus transport which will exclude some.

Edit as OP updated that it was a surprise hen.

Original poster
HBot · 17/02/2025 13:48

Porkproducts · 17/02/2025 13:47

it's made me not want to go now especially since it's not the hen do I had imagined.

It's not your hen do. It's up to the bride what she'd like to do. You can then choose not to go if you can't afford it.

I should have probably added that the bride doesnt know what we are doing for the day - it's a surprise for her. I totally agree that if she wants to go and organises it, I shouldn't complain

OP posts:
BobbyDazzler11 · 17/02/2025 13:47

I like the sound of the festival , hen do games can be so dull

Porkproducts · 17/02/2025 13:47

it's made me not want to go now especially since it's not the hen do I had imagined.

It's not your hen do. It's up to the bride what she'd like to do. You can then choose not to go if you can't afford it.