Can I just do what I want for my Birthday?

Your family very clearly have serious communication issues. If you genuinely are the kind of person who is fine if their dog can't come (and we all know there are loads of people who are NOT okay with that), then your DB was really poorly behaved not to just say something. Ditto, when he started asking your parents nto to invite you or refusing to com eif you were there, why didn't they ask him? So yes, very bad communication (which might even be worse if it turns out the dog is NOT the issue, they're just using that as an excuse. )

Meanwhile, this poor communication and slightly odd expectations are a problem again with your birthday. Surely if your mum wanted to see you for your birthday she'd have said somethign in advance, asked what you were doing etc. Similarly, surely it would have come up from you, "Argh, it's 43 this year. Not doing anything big. BF and I are going to go to the pub, drink to much and get a cab home - but perhaps we can have some cake when I next come up to yours? I'll bring my favourite chocolate mousse cake".

I mea, these are all fairly normal communication points for a family that, by th esounds of things, generally spend a decent amount of time together.

So they are not excluding you from family events, just choosing to see you and your brother separately? Or are they only seeing him+family but not you?

Very odd behaviour from your brother, I agree, but you seem to be blaming your parents for it, which is unfair.

People don’t stop having birthdays at the age of 18.

Children’s lives are full of celebrations of their achievements, progression to the next school class, getting a good mark or a swimming certificate.

Adults are lucky to get one day that’s about them. Birthdays are it.

If it mattered that much why didn't your mum arrange something for your birthday? YANBU. Tell her to get over herself.

I agree, @sandyhappypeople - OP’s mum doesn’t seem to like the boyfriend, so o wonder if that’s a factor.

I wouldn’t necessarily want a dog around a baby or toddler either, so if their perception is that OP and dog are a package deal, choosing to come separately to see your parents is a practical option.

It doesn’t sound like they instructed your parents not to invite you, precisely, more that they avoided coming and your mum spotted the pattern and talked to them about it.

You talk about your niece as Boring, so that might be part of it as well - they get that you aren’t that fussed about their baby and they are not happy to be with your dog.

Families sometimes hit phases of being very much out of synch. Then life moves forward and things change again.

Do whatever you like on your own birthday and don’t read too much into the rest of it.

birthdays are for children...

You are not being unreasonable to do what you want on your birthday. But I don't think your brother and sister in law are unreasonable not wanting a dog at family events either, neither would i. Though they are unreasonable not to tell you what the issue was
It all sounds unnecessarily dramatic due to lack of communication.

How do you know it is the dog that is the issue if no one has specifically said that though?

Are you sure it's not because of your partner? If they are isolating you because of the dog issue, why would your mum be so convinced that it is your partner that is isolating you and not the other way round?

I'm not saying any of it is right, but it sounds like none of you can communicate to save your lives! How long have you been with your partner?

Anyway. This is a by the by. The question was can't I just go to the pub for my birthday for a quiet dinner with my partner.

It's not really 'by the by' though, is it? Of course you can do whatever you want for your birthday, but there's all this undealt with bad-feeling behind this situation. You seem unwilling to address it fully.

The way to do it is to do it

I'm 34 and I'm still at the stage of having to plan something for the whole family on my birthday because they get pissed off if I don't.

I need to learn to stand up for myself. All I want to do on my birthday is go out somewhere with DP and then chill in the evening - not entertain people!

Either way, they didn't let her know there was an issue, so she couldn't do anything about it, which I think is really unfair!

Your mother has a bit of cheek accusing you BF of trying to isolate you from your family, when effectively she's been doing (along with B and SIL) that by not inviting you to events, and not telling you why so you can sort it.

Actually, they didn't. They said they weren't going themselves if OP (and her dog) were going. It wasn't their decision to leave OP out, it was whoever was hosting/organising the event.

It does seem odd to me that OP wasn't simply asked to leave her dog at home. I do wonder why everyone chose to do that rather than talk to her.

OP would you have happily left your dog behind if asked without question? Or would you make a big drama about it and fall out with everyone?

Your brother and his wife sound like absolute arseholes, so I'd go nc with them.

Your mum obviously prioritises your brother over you (would her reaction have been the same if it was you that had the child and they had the dog?- I suspect not)..... I'd take a huge step back from your mum, and start putting yourself first x

But they did this without telling OP that the issue was the dog. They didn't give her the chance to leave the dog at home, they just excluded her wholesale!

No way would I be driving to see my dps on MY birthday! YANBU.

They didn't ask for you to not be invited. They said they wouldn't come if your dog was there, which they are perfectly within their rights to do. The event organisers are the ones who obviously decided they valued your DB, SIL and nieces company more than yours (that's probably down to wanting to see DN tbh rather than favouritism between DB and you).

Whilst there's a lack of communication all round, you are being really, really childish and petty about this, which is a situation which could be very easily solved by you just agreeing to leave your dog at home in future.

Now you know what the issue is, have you made it clear to both your DB and SIL and to your parents that you're happy to leave your dog at home for future family events?

Because surely that would solve the problem, and everything could go back to how it was.

Regarding your birthday - you can do what you want. But if you usually do something with your DM and DF and have just stopped inviting them I can see why she's a bit upset. Bit overdramatic tbh, but I suspect she's more upset about the whole situation of not being able to have both you and your DB around at the same time, or family events that everyone (except your dog!) goes to. Ultimately your parents have been put in an awkward spot by two sets of adult children who are acting like toddlers sulking if they can't get their own way without communicating .

But why haven't you discussed this with any of them?

Why did they think there'd be a row?

Why haven't you tried to sort it?

Your mum is unreasonable but you should just tell her all you have said in this post.

So have you spoken to your brother about it?