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Original poster

Not wanting to have a party for adult dc

287 replies

Catshelper · 17/02/2025 10:05

Our house is smallish and homely.
We haven't hosted parties in our house since our children were mid teens.
Instead we've always given them money to go away with a few friends or a big night out in a city.

Dd moved back home after being at university, living in London and working in hospitality to go on holidays and visit friends.

She has a history of mental health issues and was very ill in her teens, she knows we do everything we can to help support her and alleviate her problems.

She's not happy here, we've made a lot of adjustments to try and make her feel comfortable and prevent her MH problems escalating.

She works part time in a local bar, is looking for more work but can't afford to move out yet.

She is turning 23 soon and wants to invite around 10-15 people over for a party.

I did say a tentative yes but also offered her money to go to London for a night out with a couple of friends instead which I thought she'd prefer.
She told me last night not all her friends could do that so she wants the party. She said she would feel sad on her birthday if she wasn't surrounded by all her friends.

So she said she will have the gathering here, move furniture, remove breakables and move the rug in the main room so she can relax without worrying and having anxiety.

I was caught off guard a bit so said I'd think about it but she got mad at me saying I'd already agreed.

My DH says people at 23 don't have parties in their parents houses, but I feel it could set off her depression and I worry about her becoming very ill with it again.

Are we being unreasonable not wanting to host a party for her?

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 17/02/2025 14:59

Where is she expecting you and your oh go whilst she invites rambunctious people over to get paralytic?

BrownieBlondie01 · 17/02/2025 14:58

I wouldn't be hosting a party for a 23 year old at my home to be honest. I'd go with PP's suggestion and hire a function room at a pub - we are doing this for my mum's birthday and actually many places let you use them for free if you're ordering some food.

EleanorReally · 17/02/2025 14:57

it sounds like she has reverted to a much younger daughter.
you need a reset button

Original poster
Catshelper · 17/02/2025 14:55

Not too sure just how raucous, disorderly and disrespectful you expect 10-15 guests to be! @Bogofftosomewherehot

I did an update on page 2, pretty raucous actually.

I trust her and her friends not to cause any harm @irregularegular

I trust my dd and if it was her and a couple of her girlfriends, but some of her friends are horrendous when drunk, completely untrustworthy.
Dd doesn't even trust them which is why she's said to move breakables to a locked room!

OP posts:
Chillilounger · 17/02/2025 14:53

Can't you give her some money to hire part of a small local bar? If you buy some sandwiches they usually let you reserve part of the room.

irregularegular · 17/02/2025 14:50

Catshelper · 17/02/2025 13:10

She has a history of wild parties when in uni, and at least two of her friends get paralytic drunk, thus the moving breakables including the television.
There is a realistic risk of damage, smoking/vaping/possible drugs use in the house,.being sick etc

Show quote history

OK, well in that case maybe not! And tell her why.

irregularegular · 17/02/2025 14:48

My 22 year old daughter is currently living at home and I'd happily let her hold a birthday party here for 10-15 friends. I trust her and her friends not to cause any harm. To be fair, we do have plenty of space. But I think most houses could cope with that number for an evening. Obviously she would be responsible for clearing up!

Much rather do that than a party of 16-17 year olds who are likely to be drinking underrage, not holding it well, and not geneally not as responsible.

Moonnstars · 17/02/2025 14:47

Catshelper · 17/02/2025 14:43

Quite a few of pp have said this. Yes we are fearful of making her MH worse so bit by bit we've given in to the point we are at now.

I can be in the kitchen with her l, both making drinks and neither of us speak. I only talk to her if she talks to me first.
She says it makes her anxious thinking we might ask her questions. She doesn't properly answer anyway so there no point.

I have believed that she needs it to be like this because why else would she do it?

It feels unnatural and makes me sad, we communicate less than we ever have.

People keep saying to me "it must be nice having dd home with you" becauAe they know how close we've always been, and I think if only they knew.

Show quote history

This sounds ridiculous. If she was in a house share I honestly doubt they would be tiptoeing around her, and I expect she wouldn't be bringing up her mental health either. I think she is using you and your home, and having mental health issues is a good excuse to not engage whenever she feels like.

Starlight1984 · 17/02/2025 14:47

Coffeeishot · 17/02/2025 14:41

Why can't she just go down the pub or out for dinner that's what most adults do if they want to meet up with 10+ friends.

This.

Coffeeishot · 17/02/2025 14:46

I do think you need to set out clear rules re this gathering or any future gatherings. Has she had a diagnosis on her mental health ?

Bogofftosomewherehot · 17/02/2025 14:46

mumonthehill · 17/02/2025 10:11

At 23 it is not up to you to make her birthday. It is a bit manipulative of her to make you think it is. If her friends are into having a meal and drinks, hanging our chatting then this is one thing but if it is loads of drinks loud music etc then it is another. I would not be happy with the latter. I would suggest a local pub and as her birthday gift you will put money behind the bar.

She isn't asking her mum to 'make her birthday' and she's not being manipulative. She's wanting to use her home as the birthday venue for 10-15 friends so it's affordable and inclusive. Nothing wrong with that and it's one day out of 365+. More young adults are now returning home after uni. My DD went to a 22nd party this weekend at a friends childhood home. I have 2 at uni and they've had a green light to have parties here for the last 5 years (usually between 20-30 young adults). I ask that they're gone by 2am with a few staying over. Not too sure just how raucous, disorderly and disrespectful you expect 10-15 guests to be!

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 17/02/2025 14:45

Just say no, it's not gonna work for you. If she starts, point out all the things you've said yes too.

Sometimes you have to be assertive.

5128gap · 17/02/2025 14:44

FamBae · 17/02/2025 14:23

Compramise, as pps suggested village hall, church hall, local football/rugby club, room above a pub, anywhere but your home.

I don't think that really works for a group of 10-15. I can't think of much more depressing than a 'party' that size rattling round awkwardly in a hired room. I think when people are saying 23 year olds don't have parties at home, perhaps they're overlooking that this is a pretty small gathering, more the size that comes under 'having some mates round' rather than throwing a party. Certainly my DSs friendship group (12 -16 people) would often get together in parents homes and gardens. Using the P word maybe makes it seem a bigger deal.

Original poster
Catshelper · 17/02/2025 14:43

EleanorReally · 17/02/2025 14:35

i think you are obviously trying to bend over backwards towards her,
i think you need to have an adult conversation about her attitude in the home
she is treating your home like a hotel, i guess probably to do with her age and perhaps you are fearful of upsetting her.

Quite a few of pp have said this. Yes we are fearful of making her MH worse so bit by bit we've given in to the point we are at now.

I can be in the kitchen with her l, both making drinks and neither of us speak. I only talk to her if she talks to me first.
She says it makes her anxious thinking we might ask her questions. She doesn't properly answer anyway so there no point.

I have believed that she needs it to be like this because why else would she do it?

It feels unnatural and makes me sad, we communicate less than we ever have.

People keep saying to me "it must be nice having dd home with you" becauAe they know how close we've always been, and I think if only they knew.

OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 17/02/2025 14:41

Why can't she just go down the pub or out for dinner that's what most adults do if they want to meet up with 10+ friends.

crappymeal · 17/02/2025 14:40

Just say no. She doesn't have to get everything she wants and it sounds like you do a lot for her anyway.

EleanorReally · 17/02/2025 14:35

i think you are obviously trying to bend over backwards towards her,
i think you need to have an adult conversation about her attitude in the home
she is treating your home like a hotel, i guess probably to do with her age and perhaps you are fearful of upsetting her.

Moonnstars · 17/02/2025 14:33

It is a definite no based on your updates. I don't know how big your house is but it's not just a few people having a few drinks before going out, 15 people is a lot! I wouldn't like the idea of them getting that drunk or possibly taking drugs at my house.
I agree with others about her being manipulative about her MH to get her own way.
She doesn't sound very respectful either, shutting herself away unless she wants something. Even housemates generally have a rough idea of what shifts others work and when they are around.
I would remind her that until she is in her own place she needs to stick to the house rules.

Tvp123 · 17/02/2025 14:24

Going to be honest, after reading your replies she sounds like an entitled brat and not having a party at home for her birthday is not going to be the cause of a MH spiral. I'm not suggesting she doesn't have mental health issues but her behaviour and your pussy footing around her like you do is not a way for her to become more resilient.

Coffeeishot · 17/02/2025 14:24

Starlight1984 · 17/02/2025 10:39

Sorry but you can't "set off" depression by saying your adult daughter can't have a party in your house!!!

I agree with this, you can't keep giving her what she demands because you don't want to upset her I'm not diminishing her mental health but she literally manipulated you into feeling sorry for her. Your husband is right.

FamBae · 17/02/2025 14:23

Compramise, as pps suggested village hall, church hall, local football/rugby club, room above a pub, anywhere but your home.

Greys4Days · 17/02/2025 14:20

MissUltraViolet · 17/02/2025 14:18

Sounds like a whole lot of manipulation from her and pandering from you going on.

Not healthy for any of you.

I wouldn’t allow the party in my home given your description of what her friends are like. Not sure I’d be responsible for an Airbnb either if it’s likely to get absolutely trashed.

Hire a function room at a local pub or offer whatever £ you deem reasonable so she can decide/make her own plans.

I was just about to say she sounds very manipulative, feeding off your fear for her mental health. Don't allow yourself to be used this way OP.

Hadjab · 17/02/2025 14:18

My kids are 18, 24 & 32 - they've all had parties at home in the past year. I've thrown a couple myself. I don't think it's weird to throw parties in your parents' home if that's where you live.

And before anyone has a go, I don't have neighbours nearby to complain about noise...

MissUltraViolet · 17/02/2025 14:18

Sounds like a whole lot of manipulation from her and pandering from you going on.

Not healthy for any of you.

I wouldn’t allow the party in my home given your description of what her friends are like. Not sure I’d be responsible for an Airbnb either if it’s likely to get absolutely trashed.

Hire a function room at a local pub or offer whatever £ you deem reasonable so she can decide/make her own plans.

Onlyonekenobe · 17/02/2025 14:15

Reading what you've written about her: she's taking the piss, and she asked you and not your dad because she knew you'd say yes. She wants all of the rights, none of the responsibilities. Not paying rent, not being civil and courteous to the people she lives with (my jaw actually dropped at her list of demands - who does she think she is!!), demanding you don't even knock on her door, then kicking you out of your own home that you pay for and she doesn't so she can have a party.....and you say yes because she might feel sad? She's got you right where she wants you. Who wouldn't want all the best bits of living like an independent young adult in London without any of the negatives!

At her age, she should go to the pub with her friends. Period. Is she going to be doing this when she's 24 and 25 and 26?

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