Not wanting to have a party for adult dc

She has a history of wild parties when in uni, and at least two of her friends get paralytic drunk, thus the moving breakables including the television.
There is a realistic risk of damage, smoking/vaping/possible drugs use in the house,.being sick etc

The numbers 10-15 or 200 dont matter.....its this behaviour above - just a couple of people out of control can cause a lot of damage and be really hard to manage.....I would imagine people in this state would be hard to negotiate with and shift from your home in the early hours.....

We hosted my daughters 18th at home - about 120 guests - they had a great time drinking and dancing but no-one behaved so badly......if if they did they would be escorted out immediately. If this is her 'normal' OP - then she needs to find somewhere else to host.....looks like if you give in there will be a row anyway about people staying over, not leaving, damage, behavior etc -- so might as well have the inevitable conflict/confrontation about the 'No' now.

I am sorry your DD has suffered with her MH (one of mine had his struggles) but this isnt a free pass to poor behaviour everyday and ludicrous irresponsible demands.

She needs to be moving out if living at home is so intolerable for her - find a better environment to 'support' her 'MH'.

It is awkward given you said yes, but I would be looking for a room in a social club/village hall. That way there will be less to break and things will be kept in control. At 23 some kids do have a bit more growing to do- which is fine, but I would try and control this event as much as is possible.

I wouldn’t call a gathering of 10-15 people in their 20s a ‘party’ really. I’d call it an adult having friends over. It’s not like a teenager putting an open invitation on social media and having 200 random friends-of-friends turning up to gate crash. I can’t really see what the big deal is, to be honest. She does live with you after all. It’s her home.

However, the fact that she’s already made you make lots of adjustments for her does ring alarm bells for me so I’m wondering if there are other issues?

So you can't even speak to her because of her anxiety but she wants a wild party? Absolutely not.

And by the way she sounds unbelievably rude.

This is all just another boundary push.

She has you hijacked and is holding you hostage with her 'fragile MH' - she is highly manipulative. She can have MH issues and be manipultive at the same time. What about your MH - you sound strung out. She has got you where she wants you - shes controlling, punishing and abusive. These accomodations are a nonsense - they arnt accomodated at her workplace in hospitality or amongs her friends. She is choosing to subjugate you in your own home.

You are inadvertently faciliating her abusive and controlling behaviour and she will being that to other emotioanlly intimate relationships which will fail.

She needs to learn about mutual respect and reciprocity - she is actively hostile to you and threatening.

Say 'No' - lance the boil- let the meltdown and fall-out run its course it will ultimately be healing and has nothing to do with her organic MH.

I wouldn’t allow the party. I know you are worried about your DD’s mental health but if you look at the facts she has about 10-15 friends, is supported very well at home by her parents and has been able to cope at uni.

I would just tell DD that I was sorry that I had tentatively said yes but having thought more about it neither you or your DH want this and suggest she goes out to a local bar/club instead.

I wouldn’t have dreamed of asking this of my parents as they would never have even considered this at 23 years old!!

My oldest DD had a birthday party at 22 at our house with uni friends from different parts of the country staying and her old friends from home/school just coming for the evening. By her 23d she had her first grad job and was living in London.

There are much deeper issues with your relationship with your daughter

In regards to the party though - she lives in the house too so it's her home. There's no upper age limit on a party at home. At 23 it's much less likely it's going to turn into a raving house party like it might with a 16-18 year old. She takes all responsibility, including paying for breakages. You use the money you were going to spend sending her away for you and your DH to have a lovely night away yourself.

Is this really about the party, or the whole situation with your daughter?

They can go another pub/bar then? Who would be footing the bill for drinks & foods at a party at yours?

So you don't speak unless spoken to at her insistence?

OP, this cannot be good for YOUR MH in YOUR home.

You are not doing her any favours.

She will not be accommodated like this anywhere and she will therefore not move on.

She needs to move out.
She doesn't get to control your home.
Surely you can see that.

I strongly suggest you speak to someone yourself so that it helps you reset your boundaries with her.

Look up how to reset boundaries with family without conflict.

You need as much help as she does.

This dynamic does not help them.
Believe me, I know!

You can't carry on like this. Your daughter lives with you, you are cooking all her meals but you aren't allowed to talk to her? You have to treat her like an anti-social lodger that you don't know very well?

She can obviously be sociable when she works in the local bar and when she socialises with her friends, but she pretty much makes you take a vow of silence in relation to any conversation with her?

This must be quite distressing for you to deal with. I wouldn't allow the party.

I think you should just say that you've had a think about it and it's not really a good idea. Never mind her anxiety, yours will be going through the roof worrying about it! Hiring a hall or taking over an area is a much better idea.

I allowed my DCs to host loads of parties at our home - mostly in the summer in the garden starting early with a strict 11:30pm cut off for the neighbours and so that we can come home and get to bed - never had any issues.

However with this history and potential behaviour it would be a firm 'No'.

I also suspect this lifestyle would not have helped her mental health.

Depends what kind of party though surely? It sounds like OP's DD is wanting to have the kind of raucous houseparty you might have in your teens/in a uni house, rather than one which an adult might hold in their home.

This is absolutely ridiculous. If she lives in your house then she abides by your rules or moves out. That includes having the courtesy to tell you when she’s going out and coming back. What meals she is eating. Eating with you when she’s home for meals and not refusing to talk to you in the kitchen because ‘anxiety’

Fuck me stop pussyfooting around her. She’s got you wrapped round her little finger and she needs to grow the fuck up if she intends to survive in the adult world

I’d allow my similarly aged DD to have a similar party, but then I trust her and her friends to be safe and respectful. If there’s such a history of damage that valuables and breakables have to be moved into a locked room then you cannot trust them. And there’s no chance of any of them paying for damage.

If she wants independence and crazy house parties she needs to move into a flat share with people of a similar disposition.

Look, I really sympathise. I have a dd similar to this. I would want to say no, for all the reasons you (and your DH) suggest, but part of me would say yes because I know it would put her in a good head space.

However, DH has no such emotional angst and would be very comfortable saying sorry but no. And that would be it. He would not ruminate or second guess his decision.

So on matters like this, I let him break the bad news. What I've found is, she does move on pretty quickly. Especially when she analyses it and realises it's quite a responsibility to host and what if her friends don't have fun? Better to have it in a neutral venue like a pub with a paid bar (thank you parents) where the pressure on her to provide the ambience is off.

But surely everyone is different.

my parents have hosted parties for me well into adulthood. They are amazing hosts and know how to throw brilliant parties.

Dd isn’t unreasonable for asking and you did initially say yes. I don’t really know why you wouldn’t do it.

And as for what you do all night. My parents would make sure everyone’s glass stayed topped up, make sure everyone had nibbles or whatever, and then quietly get pissed with all my friends (cue lots of ‘your parents are the BEST’ type comments)

She could move in with her friends if this is the freedom she wants, you can't recreate that, she has to grow up at some point hasn't she?

@Catshelper then she can do that a function room in a pub or local club! I wouldn't want a bunch of 20 odd year olds doing drugs & getting pissed in my home. She sounds really disrespectful and using her MH as a excuse to twist you both round her little finger, why are you allowing it?

From your updates it sounds as if this is part of a broader issue where she seems to be holding you responsible for her mental health/ blaming you for her negative emotions/ resentful towards you - difficult to tell exactly without knowing more.

Is it time to sit down with her and try and gently address some of this more directly? It's not ok for her to block all discussion by saying she doesn't want you to ask her questions when you are finding this so difficult. You could point out that you want to support her as much as possible but are worried that some of what she is doing and is asking you to do is beginning to damage your relationship with her. Tell her how upset you feel to be so distant from her, and that it leaves you feeling like she sees you just as a landlord, but that you don't know what to do to put it right. It does seem reasonable for her to tell you roughly when to expect her back, unless she's just bobbing out. It can be alarming to hear footsteps and not know who's in the house. Perhaps you feel afraid of insisting on some minimal courtesies like this because of her poor mental health, but in the context of a broader talk about how you can support her and improve your relationship with her, this is not uncaring. You could check if there's anything about your response that you could change to make it easier for her to be more forthcoming with her.

If your main concern re the party is, quite reasonably, that the house might get trashed, then could you explain this and offer a compromise? Perhaps they all meet at yours for drinks and cake/ snacks for an hour or two and by 9.30 (before anyone gets too bladdered) they head off to the pub where you put money behind the bar or even pay for the taxis to get there? (And no they don't come back after!)

Why on earth can't she ask to book a couple of tables at the bar she actually works in? They'll probably throw in a few free pitchers for her and her mates.