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Original poster

Not wanting to have a party for adult dc

287 replies

Catshelper · 17/02/2025 10:05

Our house is smallish and homely.
We haven't hosted parties in our house since our children were mid teens.
Instead we've always given them money to go away with a few friends or a big night out in a city.

Dd moved back home after being at university, living in London and working in hospitality to go on holidays and visit friends.

She has a history of mental health issues and was very ill in her teens, she knows we do everything we can to help support her and alleviate her problems.

She's not happy here, we've made a lot of adjustments to try and make her feel comfortable and prevent her MH problems escalating.

She works part time in a local bar, is looking for more work but can't afford to move out yet.

She is turning 23 soon and wants to invite around 10-15 people over for a party.

I did say a tentative yes but also offered her money to go to London for a night out with a couple of friends instead which I thought she'd prefer.
She told me last night not all her friends could do that so she wants the party. She said she would feel sad on her birthday if she wasn't surrounded by all her friends.

So she said she will have the gathering here, move furniture, remove breakables and move the rug in the main room so she can relax without worrying and having anxiety.

I was caught off guard a bit so said I'd think about it but she got mad at me saying I'd already agreed.

My DH says people at 23 don't have parties in their parents houses, but I feel it could set off her depression and I worry about her becoming very ill with it again.

Are we being unreasonable not wanting to host a party for her?

OP posts:
jackstini · 17/02/2025 21:44

Well the news about how her friends behave and how she treats you means you need a conversation

You shouldn't have said yes, but explaining you wanted to make her happy whilst also getting her to understand your concerns is something you need to talk about

StormingNorman · 17/02/2025 21:38

Can you give her a budget for an AirBnB?

CaptainFuture · 17/02/2025 21:36

@JellyBeanFactory the dd and her friends don't sound that they'd be this considerate!

JellyBeanFactory · 17/02/2025 21:06

Use it as an excuse to go away with your DH for the weekend!

One of our DC (23) had party here last year, so we went away for long weekend. Strict instructions left that we wanted no sign of any partying to remain when we got home. Told the neighbours they had carte blanche to yell after midnight if it was too raucous! Apparently 6 stayed overnight, helped clear up the next day and it was spotless when we returned!

This year's plan apparently is to rent an Airbnb... Shame, no excuse to go away!

cestlavielife · 17/02/2025 20:49

Hire a room in a pub instead

Aqz · 17/02/2025 20:48

Purpleturtle46 · 17/02/2025 19:49

OP, can I ask what you would have done differently (if you know)? My son is 11 and very anxious and I find myself bending over backwards when I can see he is starting to go through another spell of anxiety.

I just want to make him happy but then I think I shouldn't be trying to solve all his problems for him and I am worried I get into a position where he relies on us too much.

Obviously he is still very young and a want to support him as much as possible. I see my BIL who had MH problems, and is now in his 50s, and still relies very heavily on my MIL to support him and had never really learned to live independently. I want to try and support while also supporting his independence, now and in the future.

Would strongly recommend you bring your child to see someone who can support him and teach some cbt techniques to help.

He is so young and they can make a real difference.

I did far too much accommodating i realise now looking back.

It will make them over reliant as your BIL is.

Aqz · 17/02/2025 20:43

Absolute same here.@kindly
Husband is very detached and far less tolerant.

OP, I would strongly recommend you speak to someone professional.

I did today and I actually feel a lot clearer in my head.

Bendin ourselves out of shape for our adult children is not wise.

They need boundaries as that reflects the real world.

I have tolerated my share, but what you are describing is off the charts.

You have been taken hostage in your own home by your daughters MH.

Why would she change or strive to improve when it is serving her so well to not be.

Time for your husband to step in firmly and tell her what is what.

Mind yourself OP.

Purpleturtle46 · 17/02/2025 19:49

OP, can I ask what you would have done differently (if you know)? My son is 11 and very anxious and I find myself bending over backwards when I can see he is starting to go through another spell of anxiety.

I just want to make him happy but then I think I shouldn't be trying to solve all his problems for him and I am worried I get into a position where he relies on us too much.

Obviously he is still very young and a want to support him as much as possible. I see my BIL who had MH problems, and is now in his 50s, and still relies very heavily on my MIL to support him and had never really learned to live independently. I want to try and support while also supporting his independence, now and in the future.

mumonthehill · 17/02/2025 19:41

As you have updated,honestly being kind and nice is the norm and definitely should be expected by you whether she is anxious or not.

graceinspace999 · 17/02/2025 19:19

I think she’s abusing you and using mental health to excuse her terrible behaviour.

If she wants to be treated like a lodger she should move out.

I think you and your husband need professional support as you are enabling her to behave badly.

Asswholes · 17/02/2025 19:09

CaptainFuture · 17/02/2025 18:56

All those offering suggestions that would rely on the dd agreeing to things such as looking after the house, party ending at a reasonable time and all the friends leaving with no drama, have you seen the daughter is manipulative and controlling to the extent her parents aren't allowed to address her without permission?!

Exactly.....people who behave like this

She has a history of wild parties when in uni, and at least two of her friends get paralytic drunk, thus the moving breakables including the television.
There is a realistic risk of damage, smoking/vaping/possible drugs use in the house,.being sick etc

Are not going to say 'Yeh no probs - music going off now at 10pm'....

CaptainFuture · 17/02/2025 18:56

All those offering suggestions that would rely on the dd agreeing to things such as looking after the house, party ending at a reasonable time and all the friends leaving with no drama, have you seen the daughter is manipulative and controlling to the extent her parents aren't allowed to address her without permission?!

Crazybaby123 · 17/02/2025 18:50

I don't ser the problem if she has nice friends. 15 people isn't very many, more like a large dinner party. Can tou suggest a time whe they all have to be out by, say music has to be off by 10 for example and all gone by 12 with maybe 1 or 2 staying over. I think thats a reasonable ask as owner of the house.

EleanorReally · 17/02/2025 18:38

discdiscsnap · 17/02/2025 18:24

@Catshelper then I'd say you have a reasonable get out clause.

totally

waitingforthehallmarkedman · 17/02/2025 18:36

I'd absolutely not put up with being ignored by my own child in my home. She needs to buck up or move out. Stop tiptoeing around her.

Asswholes · 17/02/2025 18:31

kindlyensure · 17/02/2025 15:14

Look, I really sympathise. I have a dd similar to this. I would want to say no, for all the reasons you (and your DH) suggest, but part of me would say yes because I know it would put her in a good head space.

However, DH has no such emotional angst and would be very comfortable saying sorry but no. And that would be it. He would not ruminate or second guess his decision.

So on matters like this, I let him break the bad news. What I've found is, she does move on pretty quickly. Especially when she analyses it and realises it's quite a responsibility to host and what if her friends don't have fun? Better to have it in a neutral venue like a pub with a paid bar (thank you parents) where the pressure on her to provide the ambience is off.

has no such emotional angst and would be very comfortable saying sorry but no. And that would be it. He would not ruminate or second guess his decision.

Agree with this approach. Your DD is eroding your boundaries because they are not firm.....she respects her friends and colleagues. She will push as far as you will let her.

Asswholes · 17/02/2025 18:29

Get it over and done with - tell her asap. Just weather the storm (tantrum) - dont engage with any begging. It will pass soon enough.

And if she is so miserable living at home that its impacting her MH - then she needs to prioritise that and find a more compatible environment elsewhere.

discdiscsnap · 17/02/2025 18:24

@Catshelper then I'd say you have a reasonable get out clause.

Original poster
Catshelper · 17/02/2025 18:20

discdiscsnap · 17/02/2025 18:00

It wouldn’t bother me but it's ok to not want to do it. I wouldn't be involved in any aspect though.

It's a bit rubbish you said yes then changed your mind.

In fairness I said yes but didn't realise it involved needing to move furniture and breakables including the television until the second conversation about it.

OP posts:
ThejoyofNC · 17/02/2025 18:08

discdiscsnap · 17/02/2025 18:00

It wouldn’t bother me but it's ok to not want to do it. I wouldn't be involved in any aspect though.

It's a bit rubbish you said yes then changed your mind.

Did you miss the part where her friends have form for getting wasted and trashing the place meaning they even have to go to the extent of taking the TV off the wall? They're in their 20s FFS they can't be behaving like that and I most certainly wouldn't entertain that going on in my home.

discdiscsnap · 17/02/2025 18:00

It wouldn’t bother me but it's ok to not want to do it. I wouldn't be involved in any aspect though.

It's a bit rubbish you said yes then changed your mind.

Original poster
Catshelper · 17/02/2025 17:37

gettingtothebottomofit · 17/02/2025 16:09

Is this really about the party, or the whole situation with your daughter?

It was about the party, I've wanted to ask advice about everything else but I thought on balance I was managing okay and doing the best for her to help her feel better.
She's pushed me too far now as I feel manipulated by her to get her own way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catshelper · 17/02/2025 17:30

thepariscrimefiles · 17/02/2025 15:46

You can't carry on like this. Your daughter lives with you, you are cooking all her meals but you aren't allowed to talk to her? You have to treat her like an anti-social lodger that you don't know very well?

She can obviously be sociable when she works in the local bar and when she socialises with her friends, but she pretty much makes you take a vow of silence in relation to any conversation with her?

This must be quite distressing for you to deal with. I wouldn't allow the party.

Show quote history

Yes it is distressing and sad. Reading the replies is both comforting having the support but also a shock, I don't know how we've got to this point. I thought we've been doing the right thing to try and make her comfortable and less stressed.

I can't even say it's not as bad as it sounds.

We don't cook for her anymore. Although we do provide all the food/ingredients!

OP posts:
Moonnstars · 17/02/2025 16:57

ItGhoul · 17/02/2025 16:35

I wouldn’t call a gathering of 10-15 people in their 20s a ‘party’ really. I’d call it an adult having friends over. It’s not like a teenager putting an open invitation on social media and having 200 random friends-of-friends turning up to gate crash. I can’t really see what the big deal is, to be honest. She does live with you after all. It’s her home.

However, the fact that she’s already made you make lots of adjustments for her does ring alarm bells for me so I’m wondering if there are other issues?

Even the daughter has said about locking breakables in another room so I don't think it is a case of friends sitting around nicely having a few drinks like others have implied! The update said that there is potential that two friends get paralytic, there might be vaping and potentially drug taking. Not sure who wants this going on in their home!
Also 15 people is a lot in.some houses. If we had that many turn up in our house it would be a case of 5-6 in the living room and the rest loitering in the kitchen and hallway. A venue where they can all socialise together would be much better.

zingally · 17/02/2025 16:54

GabbyP · 17/02/2025 10:08

If you stop pussyfooting around her she might develop more resilience. It’s not normal at all to have a birthday party at your parents’ at 23.

This. ^

I'd never have dreamed ask my parents for a house party round theirs at age 23.
The problem you've caused is that you said yes when you really meant no.

Her teen years have long gone, and it's time to grow up.

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