Not wanting to have a party for adult dc

Could you say she can have maximum 5 people over due to the size of the house, but you'd be amenable to a larger number when the weather is warmer and they can go in the garden and have a barbecue (if that's feasible)?

You can move furniture (apparently? Can you really move sofas easily? I know we couldn’t), but you can’t move kitchen or bathroom fittings. I’ve been at a party before where the basin in the downstairs loo was broken by someone sitting in it, and also one where all the food was taken from the cupboards and thrown about - boxes of cereal, jars of coffee etc, and mugs and plates broken. You can’t party proof your home. It’s impossible, and it is in fact YOUR home that you and your husband have worked hard for. Yes it’s hers too, but she’s treating it like a bedsit.

I completely understand how hard it is. My daughters are 26 and 23. The 26 year old is currently back at home, although she wouldn’t ask. The 23 year old was exactly as manipulative as your daughter sounds. When she moved back it was almost exactly as you’re describing - walking on eggshells, only speaking to us if she wanted something. It was hard and heartbreaking. She’s a boundary pusher, and if we’d have said yes to a party, there would have been something else demanded - god knows what. Lions and tigers roaming around? Me and my husband waiting on them in uniform? Instead of an evening party, a whole weekend one? Luckily, she never asked.

You’re not going to win, she’s going to be angry with you, but what can she do? You’ll get the silent treatment, but you’re already getting it.

Please please don’t give in, and stop worrying. It isn’t actually going to affect her mental health, no matter what she says or implies. It’ll just piss her off. It’s your home. It’ll cost fortunes to sort out if anything gets ruined, and it’ll take ages to feel homely again, a bit like after a burglary.

I really feel for you - it’s so hard.

I have suffered extremely with my mental health conditions my whole life. I have diagnosed bipolar type 1, anxiety disorder and manic depression. I have never had my depression “triggered” by being told no it’s a part of life. Also in the nicest possible way being pussy footed about isn't going achieve anything, trust me the rest of the world isn’t going to be treating her like she is made of glass and she is going to be very ill-prepared for real life.

You're adults sharing a house and I'd expect to negotiate this like any other group of adults sharing a home when one wants to invite people over. If that means some people aren't comfortable with it then it doesn't go ahead. But it sounds like you're expecting her to behave like a child living in your home, and she's leaning into that when it suits her.

I love it when my kids (early 20s) invite friends over. I wouldn’t have thought twice about saying yes. They have a nice bunch of friends and this is their home. That includes the one who has been to uni and back.

She wants control OP and I totally understand that. I’d be the same. Everything you’ve said here sounds fine, she wants it to feel like her home, not her mums home when she was a teen.

Having said all that, the party sounds like a bad idea - I wouldn’t allow it due to the risks you’ve mentioned.

Be honest with her. “I’m sorry Dd, I know I said maybe but I’m now feeling anxious about it and would rather you meet elsewhere. This isn’t about you, it’s about the risk of damage to our home and I feel uncomfortable about it.”

I would do this for my DC if they lived at home still.
It’s only one evening.
its a bit annoying but I’d still do it.

If the friends have a history of vomiting, trashing things and generally being awful, then I’d think twice about an AirBnb, because if you don’t want to pay for damages in your own home you’re going to like it even less when it’s inflated costs for someone else’s 😬

Your daughter is an adult. It’s not your responsibility to facilitate a birthday party for a 23 yo. MH issues or not, I would be putting my foot down and saying no, and I probably wouldn’t offer a compromise either (I do think you’ve massively shot yourself in the foot by saying yes in the first place, be it tentatively or not). If she wants a party, she arranges it, and she finds an alternative venue.

If you’re concerned about your relationship with your daughter breaking down, it honestly sounds like that’s already happening with her existing behaviour - treating the house like she’s a lodger etc. Is she in therapy? If not, why not?

No that's not how depression works, but the OP needs boundaries to protect her own decisions. That can be hard to implement with adult children, but needs to be done, not to fix or develop resilience in them, but to keep ourselves safe, in all aspects.
I have an adult child living with me, severe MH issues, I have tried the pussyfooting around and giving more than I should because of my own fear and sadness.
It must be a terrifying thought that your DD may slide into mental ill health OP, but she is an adult, and although you can support this is not your responsibility.
She works in a pub- could that place have a room for hire?

I haven't had parties for my kids at home since they were 6 or 7 years old, and I wouldn't have any type of party in my house.
My home is my safe and sacred place, I don't want strangers in touching my stuff, damaging things, spilling drnks.

Boundaries in relationships allow us to love more deeply- not less.

You are being manipulated lovely lady. Its your home No is a perfectly acceptable answer. Wouldn't happen in mine and I would be straight about it with no apology.

RTFT and she sounds a nightmare no party

Tell her she’s having the party elsewhere and you won’t be subsiding it either.
She sounds a bit of a madam and it’s time for her to grow up and for you and your husband to stop pussyfooting around her.

It’s absolutely fine to change you mind about this and if dd can’t accept that then that’s her problem. She sounds a bit of a horror if I’m being honest, very manipulative. Let’s be honest, the house will be trashed and dd absolutely isn’t going to be the one cleaning up and paying for breakages.
Time to nip the manipulation in the bud.

I think it sounds nice. 10-15 people is hardly taking over your home. Wouldn’t be a problem for us.

Hire a room somewhere and decorate it, maybe pay for catering if you’re so inclined.

I had my 30th at my parents house. Been to quite a few masters and PhD graduation parties in past few years for friends at their parents house. And none of us live in those houses anymore. So that part to me is totally fine and normal. But then again I doubt any one of our parents have reason to believe we trash the place.

You don't have to say yes. I don't think the house is not big enough is the real reason. But you can decline since it is your house. However, is there a compromise? They sat at yours from 6-8 and then move on to the pub? Or something.

Personally I would give her the money your were going to for the nightout to buy food .then you and hubby bugger off somewhere nice for an over night stay but warn her she cleans mess and pays any breakages you can't say yes then that's not fair 13 or 23

That’s… not how depression works…

Your mistake is in thinking that unless she has her own way her mental health will be sabotaged. That's just not true. It doesn't work like that. She is being manipulative and making you think that and actually she is being really really rude in not speaking to you in the kitchen.

You are treading on eggshells around her and this doesn't help her. I was surprised she has a lot of friends. How come you are the only one causing her mental health problems? If one of her friends refused to something, surely she would cope?

It is. I was thinking more of the behaviour in the house re anxiety about being spoken to. I guess you'd navigate those things differently if ND was a factor. But either way the behaviour is inappropriate yes, as per my previous post.

Nd or not, her behaviour is rude and entitled!

Also did you ever consider ND? You mentioned mental ill health in teens (ASD is often misdiagnosed as OCD, anorexia etc) and sounds like she's pretty inflexible and possibly not aware of some more subtle social expectations?

Could be totally off the mark and she is just being really entitled.

I have ASD myself btw.

Same with her behaviour at home - if she is a 'lodger' - there are house rules and she needs to be civil and polite not hostile and controlling - having you all walking on eggshells.

I think she can't have it both ways.

She has a party in your house and only invites people who she knows will behave themselves and not trash the place.

Or

She organises a party out of the house, e.g. book a room/area at a pub, and then she can invite who she likes.

She wants all the freedom with none of the responsibility.

@Catshelper

yeah, or a bar or something. Could that work OP?