Not wanting to have a party for adult dc

Could you hire a hall?
l would be wary of a air bb in case it gets trashed?
You could do some light catering etc
l realise this may mean a day time party, but l think using your home will affect your mental health - don’t you count?

I say this in kindness as someone who was very anxious at 23 and still lived at home.
Your daughter is playing you both like a fiddle, and in fact this treatment of her by both parents is not helping her at all.
She gets to live at home, comes and goes as she pleases, doesn’t bother with you both, and then demands a party where she knows there is a risk of damage.
This is storing up future problems. 23 is a key age and if this continues at 33 she will not change. Then 43.
Plenty of people with MH problems lead adult lives.
No is a full sentence. You do not want what is an essence a gang of overgrown teenagers trashing your home.
MN is full of threads about family members who as adults cannot function in the world.
Your daughter should go to counselling. You need to show a bit of tough love because actually the people suffering here are the parents - you must be both anxious yourselves living like this.
A conversation is needed and if your DD kicks back, let her. If she sulks, let her. Do not continue to enable her behaviour.
You think you are helping, but believe me you are not. It doesn’t mean throwing her out. If she wishes to live in your home as an adult then she behaves as one.
If she wants to party, get drunk and make a mess with her mates then she does not do it in your home.
This is not a normal family set up where a few friends come round for meals and drinks and a good social time.

Given your updates, I believe you are being completely and utterly held to ransom by your daughter who has totally learned how to use her mental health to manipulate you as she knows it ‘scares’ you.l to think you might ‘make it worse’.

She is now affecting your mental health OP and, quite honestly how is that acceptable? Time for a sit down and chat. Our house, our rules, no more tiptoeing around and if she doesn’t like it she can move out!

She can have privacy in her room and you won’t knock, but it will cost her xx bed and board for the pleasure and if she isn’t eating at the table with you she can supply her own food as well!

Shes 23, not a child. When was she diagnosed with anxiety? She has loads of friends and works in a pub for crying out loud, she hardly has the crippling anxiety she has led you to believe she has if you are honesty with yourself, does she? Regardless her mental health doesn’t trump anyone else’s.

Why don’t you help her prep for the party and then you’ll both stay upstairs to support her so that if there is a problem she has some support on site given her mental health, you wouldn’t want something to happen that flares her anxiety and for her to have no physical and emotional support to cope with it after all, would you? Bet that results in her finding another venue for said party!

It's her home, she loves there. I'd let her.

I would let my 23 year old have a party at my home, but only if I knew the friends. Do you know the friends OP?

You have said it yourself, she is manipulating you. It is not going to affect her mental health by being told she can’t have a party at home but I guarantee she is going to have one hell of a tantrum and will try to use MH as a lever to get you to cave in. Get tough OP, you are enabling her.

She can still have a big party elsewhere, she could have a smaller party at home without the raucous drunks that break things. You will help her but you won’t agree to her turning your home in to a nightclub. It is not fair to you or your husband.

It is likely to turn in to a blazing row but I think it needs saying OP. She wouldn’t be able to act like this as a paying lodger in someone else’s home so why does she think it is ok to treat you like it? Being pleasant to you does not affect her mental health, talking to you does not affect her mental health, not having a party at home will not affect her mental health. She sounds perfectly capable of talking when she wants something- she is treating you like a door mat and it needs to stop.

I wouldn't really call 10-15 people a party. If she was 16 then it would probably end in chaos but she's 23 so hopefully her fiends are over the being sick and trashing the house stage. My DS is 23 and I would have no issue with him having a gathering at home. He knows it would be on him to tidy up the next day. I would probably go out for the evening.

I’d let her have the party with the proviso that she does all the prep, shopping, cooking, and tidying up. And then I’d take myself off to a hotel for the weekend and let her get on with it.

I’ve read your posts.

You’ve tried to stop her anxiety by avoiding putting her in situations that make her feel anxious. But that means her anxiety remains forever. Anxious people need to learn how to feel anxious and do things anyway. It’s the only way forward.

Read anxious parents, anxious kids. It’s aimed at people with younger kids but the general principles remain.

You need to stop automatically saying yes just because you feel sorry for your daughter. Say no next time. She is a 23 year old woman! I would not have 15 drunk 20 year old in my small house either! You're crazy to have agreed! You need to say no and explain why. Tell her to go out with her mates instead. My sister had an 18th party at our parents once. About 20 people came and it was so difficult getting them to leave at midnight. My parents said, never again.

What a relief to see some sense especially the She is too old to be so self obsessed and selfish.
Absolutely hits nail on the head, there's far too many posters saying 'oh but you said yes, so, nothing can change!'

Why can't she (and they) go to the pub?

OP (following all your updates),

my heart breaks for you as I have a adult dc who was suicidal in their teens and the gut wrenching fear and guilt of ever triggering that again makes us do / agree to anything to keep her happy.

I know it's not good for her resilience and I know it's not a healthy dynamic but she too says things like "I'll be really sad if I'm not with all my friends on my birthday" and when I hear the words "really sad" I'll literally do whatever it takes to avoid that sadness as I am terrified she will try to hurt herself again. We came so close to losing her and that fear never leaves my heart.

We are in very similar situations as she too is highly social and works in hospitality but talks to us like shit sometimes and wanted a New Year's Eve party at our house (she lives with us too). Like you The Fear made me say yes initially and it was all organised even though I was absolutely dreading a repeat of the damaging teen parties. Then - on that day of the party itself!! - something just broke in me and I took all my courage and said no, I'd changed my mind and on reflection I just couldn't face it, that I would give them £100 for a few rounds in the local pub but no, no party was going to be happening here. And guess what? It was all fine, they all had a brilliant wild time and my dd didn't feel sad and I felt our boundaries were a tiny bit healthier...

Your daughter should be getting some counselling and making headway with her anxiety.
I would suggest having the party at the local pub or hire a function room nearby or a hall open to a paddock or have the guests all book into a holiday park with tents, camp kitchen and fire pits..
Order in pizzas or catering, have a fire pit and music.
Booking a large house, air B&B, I think would have rules for not hosting parties.

A party for twenty in your home is unreasonable if you don't want that.

I know, especially the 'she is an equal adult in the home and her wants MUST be met!' 🙄

Personally I’d let her invite a few friends around and then knob off for the evening myself. Come home and start offering to book taxi’s - but you’re not me so it doesn’t really matter.

You’re over thinking it and she’s playing you, big time. If you don’t want a party at your house you don’t need to justify it.

..and frankly, if she doesn’t like being at your house she should move out. The whole “I’ll be sad without my friends” is horseshit, and sve can see her friends without taking over your home.

Hate to say it OP but your DD sounds a bit spoilt and needs to grow up.

If her MH depends on having a party or not then you’re already fighting a losing game, OP.

I think it's OK to change the goalposts actually. You didn't offer her a massive party you offered her a space for her to get together with her friends, who at 23 you'd expect to have stopped behaving like teenagers. She then advised its the kind of party where people get paralytic drunk, get sick, and break things. It's normal to not want 15 adults trashing your house. I'd say sure she can have the party if it's limited to under 10 people, and she can guarantee no one gets paralytic or damages anything and she is happy with you in the house and that you'll stop it any time it looks like those requirements might not be met.

I do think you're pandering to her anxiety. And that isn't going to help her in the long run. Basically being polite causes her to be anxious apparently so you have to put up with her being extremely rude indefinitely. You're not allowed to talk unless she speaks first, is she fucking J-Lo? Not sure what the answer is (family therapy?) as I understand its hard to insist on other behaviour when you don't know what the consequences will be...but it does need to be addressed or these patterns of behaviour will become engrained in your relationship with each other. Does she not realise or care that living with other people when you don't even know if they're in the house or not or if you're allowed to speak to them etc will make you anxious?

I think yanbu to not want to buy you've kind of shot yourself in the foot saying yes.

However when I read all the updates about how she treats you then the details of the second conversation about moving breakables I think it doesn't matter.

You HAVE to say no. It is not helping her mh and it will damage yours if this continues. She is too old to be so self obsessed and selfish. There's no way she should be inviting people into your home with an expectation that they will likely damage things.

I agree with this I would have a night away in a local hotel and let her have her party. It is her home as well after all. We've done this for our adult son who lives with us. He also has some MH issues and having a party at home for some reason is less anxiety inducing for him than having it at a venue

I do wish people would read updates before posting.

This!!

A dinner party yes a party no

Saying no to a party does not cause, trigger, or worsen depression.

Say no to the party.

for my 21st i had a few friends round for snacks and champagne before going to the big town to a night club!