Not wanting to have a party for adult dc

Whoops - just seen the update. Hmmm not so clearcut

Just get her an air bnb or a "party pad". My city is full of them so I'm sure be some local to you.

You sound nice

I think - well it's one night - why not? Will her friends trash the place?

There must be a room in a pub they can do to. Yes it’s cheaper at home and they can behave like they want but really deep down she will know she’s being unreasonable.

can your husband deal with this one?

Two of my DC are young adults and live with me.

For past two years, the 19 yo has rented an Airbnb to have a birthday party with his mates. He’d never want to have a party in our place, out of respect for me. It’s his booking. It’s his responsibility if anything’s damaged or nuisance caused. There never is as far as I know. They’re all responsible, streetwise, respectful young people, even though they like a party. They all tidy up. They do the same when they go on holiday with mates to other cities in Europe.

If you don’t want a party in your home, just say no. Your DD should be less entitled and have more respect for you.

Our eldest moved out at 23 but he sometimes hosts parties at our house, and all his mates stay. We are such soft touches that we buy all the booze and food and then check into a hotel for the night and leave them to it.

The youngest is still at home and hosts gatherings here too. They both do it in the summer, I’d not be nuts about it in the winter.

I would not be happy to do it though if I thought there was a very good chance of things getting damaged.

From everything you have written so far, I have the feeling your daughter does not respect you and your DH. She's pitched the party to you because she knows you're the parent who's most likely to enable her to get her way (yet I feel she highly resents you as well). I was a bit shocked to read that you had agreed to the party knowing that your DD has wild parties at uni and even entertained the idea of moving furniture around to accommodate her plans, etc. Why would you go along with this knowing that your house is going to get trashed and you will afterwards be put, again, on some guilt trip where you'll hold back your disappointment and anger in case it brings on her depression??
Later, when you described her as not talking to either you or DH and wanting to come and go as she pleases on a daily basis - well, that's tremendously disrespectful. She can't benefit from living with her parents, but wants to act like her parents are not there. WTH?!
Does she buy her own groceries? Wash her own clothes?
This party idea is very bad. I think your hiring a room for her as some others have suggested is a sound idea. Her treatment of you and your DH and her love of wild parties at uni make this a recipe for disaster.
I hope you don't cave in while she continues using her MH to manipulate you.

My friends put a gazebo on the back of their kitchen for their son's party. It had a couple of heaters and access to the garden for overspill. The only time guests entered the main part of the house was to use the bathroom. Could something like this work?

This is why my DD doesn't want to move home after graduating - so she can live her own life - desperately trying to find work and it's not easy even in retail and hospitality - she does have a job at home to go back to but wants the independence and freedom.

However, I'd be happy for DD to have gatherings at home if she did come back as we do get on well and have a great relationship and she doesn't take the piss (also has MH issues). I wouldn't particularly want a wild party, but 10-15 people, they can stay downstairs in kitchen diner (not massive but OK for 15) - we've had parties here before. DH and I would go out and/or stay out of the way.
10-15 people isn't a party, it's a gathering. If you think the behaviour is going to get out of hand then you shouldn't have said yes in the first place and I'd just encourage her now to go for a meal out - you can't really hire a room for 10-15 - would be emtpy and sad!

Following your update about drugs, vomiting and destruction I think it's fine to say no. I'm not sure I would rent her an AirBnb either if there might be damage! You don't need to find an alternative for her, just state your boundaries and she can plan around them.

Just thinking generally, have you ever thought about autism? The unusual boundaries around not wanting to tell you when she goes out etc reminds me a bit of my autistic teenager, who also has some mental health challenges.

Did you read the updates?
Daughter herself has said they need to lock up breakables. 2 friends get paralytic. They may take drugs.

Would you want this in your home?

OP your posts are contradictory in knowing she has a history of having wild parties at uni and saying yes to having one at home. I think cards on the table. Tell DD she can have the party because you agreed to it but that she’s in charge and is responsible for everyone’s behaviour and to put responsibility on her friends too, if they come and start wrecking the house they’ll be out and she’ll be expecting them to pay. Real friends won’t wreck their host’s house, they just won’t . Take your jewels with you and stay away for the night and lock breakables somewhere, leave her to it and be very clear about the ground rules. If she can’t hack it she can’t have the party and if she allows her friends to trash the house, she moves out. Time for a reality check

I think she is using mental health as an excuse to behave badly - there is no reason she can't speak to you when she is going in and out. And as her friends can't be trusted it should be a no to a party. It would be different if you all had a decent adult relationship and her friends knew how to behave. My son was still at home at age 22/23 and as we were away one new year had 7/8 friends over. The difference is he was lovely and his friends are respectful.

Hire a venue maybe? A cheap one, there must be options?

Being told "no, sorry love, no party" does not trigger depression. It probably will trigger feelings of disappointment, sadness and anger. Those are fine feelings to have, nothing to be concerned about

I would offer a dinner party not a house party. It does sound like your dd is being quite manipulative in some ways, surely her entire mental health can not rise and fall on one party.

It’s perfectly reasonable to refuse to host a party that requires anything breakable or valuable to be locked away, first. She is not a student any more and, in all honesty, I don’t see how she thinks a party involving drug taking and heavy drinking is going to help her mental health issues, anyway.

Bloody hell...just tell her no! It's her 23rd birthday...nothing special about it ffs! Who even has a party on their 23rd birthday? Surely you just meet your mates down the pub!!

What a load of drama about a bloody standard birthday!

And no do not get an Airbnb! You’ll likely get banned.

Yes it sounds like this is exactly what OP is worried about. She said friends who get paraletic, break stuff, untrustworthy, vomiting, drug taking.

She said she’s made anxious by her own mum asking her a question? Anxious about what? She sounds like she’s acting like a spoilt brat. Will she be telling her employer or customers at the pub not to speak to her to? She’s being ridiculous.

I wouldn’t allow the party. She could go to a nightclub with her mates where they can get drunk there and the club can clean up the sick. She is being so rude to you. You don’t need to accept it.

It's her home and she wants to have a small party at her home? I don't really get the issue unless you think her and her friends are irresponsible and going to cause damage

I would hire or borrow a small marquee and host in the garden with heaters.

Even if she was living in a house share with other adults and not her parents, she'd still need to be considerate of the home and the feelings of other people living there.

What I'm hearing is very little compromise or thought about others.

I lived with my dad briefly after uni. At one stage I had a birthday party there. I asked my dad in advance and only invited a small number of friends, no one who would cause any trouble. This was fine with my dad because he liked my friends and having people round. I would never have had a massive house party there with people I thought might break things or do drugs. That would just be disrespectful to my dad.

They're not over this stage of vomiting and wrecking the place according to ops posts!