Not wanting to have a party for adult dc

In the real world OP it is perfectly normal to say yes to something after being given X information and then guiltlessly rescind the Yes, when you are now being told X+Y,Z, has been added on.

My children wouldn't ask simply because they have seen a few get out of hand, when via SM word got out there was a party at X's house, whom they know vaguely.

Several 17th's were stopped as a result after things were in danger of getting out of hand.

I have an 18th coming up and even though we have a large spacious house which has been a perfect party space for many years, we are agreed, much as my daughter would love the intimacy of a home do, her 16th was a fantastic all girl success, .........she recognises that it could be very stressful if uninvited people turn up.
We are urban and she has a wide circle through sports and private schooling.....which produces SOME very entitled, disrespectful behaviour IMO.

My older sons did not have friends like this and parties went off well.
But in the post Covid years, behaviour has deteriorated IMO.

Unless you have had your house thrashed, finding vomit in weird places days later, trying to track down a foul smell (several tea towels covered in vomit, shoved into very large plant pots and hidden was the culprit🤢).

Another friend of a friend found her bed covered in vomit as someone went upstairs looking for an empty room, staggered in and spewed everywhere.

Vomit figures largely in teen parties these days...

Not in my lovely home!

If your DD's behaviour towards you is giving you flashbacks to being bullied at school, you must do something about it as it as you can't be expected to live like this.

There needs to be both a short term and long term plan. The long term plan involves your DD leaving home and living independently. The short term plan must be ensuring that your DD is treating you with care and respect while she is living in your home. This must be non-negotiable. If she can be polite to the people she is serving in a bar, she can be polite to her own parents.

The bar she works in? It might be her home but it’s also OPs house and home. If everyone in the house is not ok with a party the respectful thing to do would be find another venue. You don’t start telling them you’re having it there and will move furniture and breakables

OP after reading your posts I changed my answer from YABU to YANBU. You sound like a deeply caring, supportive and worried Mum who has gone above and beyond to support your daughter.

She can have a birthday gathering in a pub or bar to celebrate just like 99.99% of 23 year olds do.

But I hope some of the advice helps you with the bigger picture which sounds dreply
unpleasant for you, unhealthy for your daughter, and untenable for all of you. Good luck.

ND/MH explain her bad behaviour but never excuses it.

She is making choices as to how she treats you - and its actively HOSTILE.

Know this.

Living in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) will always put you on a back-foote emotional state and lead you to make wrong decisons and take the wrong actions which are inadvertently facilitating bad behaviour.

You have no need for guilt - you supported her through her difficult teenage years. You should not be fearful in your own home. She is a grown woman - your priority obligation now is to your own emotional well-being.

But it’s your daughters home too where is she supposed to hold a party if not in her home?

Just to say I totally understand how you've got to where you are. That walking on eggshells,knowing that even a look taken the wrong way can cause a downward spiral. It takes up all your energy and you just want to appease them because all hell breaks out if you don't.

I know my dd suffers like yours, but I also know deep down that she knows exactly how to manipulate a situation. Mine can be fabulous and at the moment is doing really well, but that fear of upsetting her will take many years to forget.

In your shoes I'd tell her no now you and DH have had a think. I'd flip it round with my Dd and say I felt it would be too much responsibility for her and I'd be worried about her stress levels and how that might affect her. Reiterate your previous offers and then stick to your guns. You're between a rock and a hard place. If you agree to it and it goes wrong there'll be a row. If you don't there'll be one too, but you won't have a wrecked house. Be brave OP, It's a situation that only those who've lived this can really understand.

No chance. Went to a party years ago moved everything breakable into grans house next door and somebody kicked in the toilet cistern in. I would never allow a home party

@Catshelper having just seen your updates, I get your point! Of course she can have friends over. But what she can’t do is hold the sort of party she’s talking about. She sounds quite manipulative in reflection. MH is not carte blanche. And it’s ok to say no to someone with MH issues, in fact you could be doing her a favour.

Maybe she needs a reminder that, having left uni, the real world doesn’t operate like that anymore. It may be she’s having a hard time adjusting, and didn’t think post uni life would be “going backwards” if that’s what she sees moving home as. Understandable, but life is a bit shit for everyone sometimes. That’s adulting.

ND or not it’s still your house and your rules. You don’t do something your uncomfortable with just to keep another happy

She might feel you want to give her money to get rid of her

OP does want to give money to get rid of her… and her party lol

I'm glad you've got a plan to address the party OP, don't be guilt tripped by her.

I hope you and your DH can also get together and discuss how you'll proceed with tackling the rest of her behaviour. As many others have said, although you're trying to do all you can to help her, you might be having the opposite effect.

Is it not her house too? Surely there shouldn't be any problems at that age. If she is happy to invite her friends in what's the problem?

Your DDs manipulative control of her parents is a much more worrying aspect of her mental health than the potential of her being "sad" OP. I mean this kindly but she needs help.

This also doesnt mean that Op cant change her mind.

Sounds to me like OP could be a victim of coercive and controlling domestic abuse by her daughter (law says it can be any family member) as per this doc:

Some of the signs are:
• The victim is made to follow rules
• The victim is not allowed to make their own decisions
• The victim is frightened of their partner, ex-partner or family member;

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/6267c429e90e0716982a3250/ContCoerBehavStatGuid_V3-10-04-22.pdf

Even your DD acknowledges that there is potential for the house to be trashed.

She is being very unreasonable OP.

If you don’t want drunken people in your house taking drugs, throwing up, not caring about your lovely home etc, then you have every good reason to say -no sorry we don’t invite that sort of behaviour here. You also have a right to expect your DD to respect your final decision and accept it happily without rancour.

It seems things have gone too far OP.
In trying to ward off her depression, you have given your DD carte blanche to disrespect you both as parents and as responsible owners of your home.
I’m sure she’s also very unhappy with the situation where she can’t even talk to you, having laid down those very rules herself. It has resulted in a toxic situation which can’t continue. There’s no sense in it at all.
She’s like a naughty child with too much power and it has backfired big time.

Therefore you have to take firm control again.
Her uni life is over and can’t be resurrected in your home.

You need to pull it right back for her sake as well as yours.
Put some rules in place that suit everybody and that constitute a cheerful household where everybody is respected as long as it’s not to the detriment of anybody else.

Tell her she can’t have a uni-style house party but she’s very welcome to invite her well behaved friends round for a nice meal and a glass of wine to celebrate her birthday. Tell her you will help her prepare it all as long as she puts some effort in too. If she argues, tell her you definitely won’t be re-arranging your furnishings in order to avoid a house-trash party as that won’t be happening and it’s petulant that she suggests it’s necessary to have her own way in order to be happy.

Your DD has some growing up to do OP.

Dora it really matter? A party for one night? Especially if it makes your dd happy.

edited as just seen about destruction/drugs etc!
Be clear to say you need to find home in the same condition you left it in. Surely at 23, people have more respect than at uni though?

Once more for the 'aw poor girl, let her have fun, leave your own house' she and her friends will wreck it, they have form
She has a history of wild parties when in uni, and at least two of her friends get paralytic drunk, thus the moving breakables including the television.
There is a realistic risk of damage, smoking/vaping/possible drugs use in the house,.being sick etc

Yes I thought the same.

Surely she’d be hosting the party not you? Do you have friends or family you could go and stay with for the night? Let her have a bit of fun!

OP, be very clear with your DD and it will likely make her happier.
I struggle with ' yes' for 'maybe/no' myself and would find you very hard to live with.
From today, stop and consider what she asks (no immediate answers no mollycoddling) then give factual responses. You'll build trust and gain her respect.
If you don't want the party give a hard 'no' now. If you don't mind, say 'yes'.
Stop over complicating things as it will affect her mental health!

You’re unreasonable to agree to something in the moment for fear of upsetting her, and then withdraw the offer as you didn’t really mean it. I can see how that would make her feel. No one gets depressed because they’re not allowed a party. But a lack of clear communication can’t be helping her longer term recovery.

An Airbnb for a party of young people? Absolutely not. Unless you want to spend thousands on a place that is set up for parties then this is not only against Airbnb terms but it's a shitty thing to do to a host.

I know this isn't the answer to your original question but I think you are pandering to her from fear of her depression returning and I don't think that's doing her any favours.