Not wanting to have a party for adult dc

Tell her that you were pushed into agreeing and now you've thought about it, it's not practical.

Offer (assuming you can afford it) to hire a venue near by, if she can find a suitable one.

She's no more likely to have a shit party at a suitable venue vs your house, if people can make it to your house they can make it to a venue!

If she kicks off, point out you make plenty of accomodations for her and you need similar back - like time to think about a request, not being pressured to agree to things etc!

"She said she would feel sad on her birthday if she wasn't surrounded by all her friends."

This sounds very manipulative.

Yanbu. She's 23, there are lots of options for how she can celebrate other than a party at your house.

I didn’t see OP’s update detailing her DD’s/friends behaviour which makes it much more understandable why she wouldn’t want to host - as I said in my post she shouldn’t give in if she’s not happy with it! Just offering a different perspective that some people have that trusting relationship!

YANBU not to want to host it; but YWBU to go back on your word after saying yes. If there's a local venue that would be suitable, you could pay for that, rather than having the party at your home. Otherwise, I don't think you have much choice; the time to say no was when she asked.

@cheesymashfortea are you also rude and controlling to your parents?
Are you and your friends destructive at parties, including drug taking and drinking to the point of vomiting?

Not saying OP should suck up the party if she’s unhappy with it BUT I’m mid 20s and certainly wouldn’t find it unusual for a friend to have a party at their parents’ house. My best friend hosts a party at her parents’ place probably around twice a year, and my group of friends are heading to visit another friend at his parents’ house in just a few weeks time. Of course that does not mean the parents are ever expected to get involved in providing food/drinks or clearing up - they will sometimes join us for drinks and dancing if they’re around though!

Just totally baffled by some of these responses suggesting that adults don’t ever host parties in their parents’ home - do people not realise more adults than ever before are still living at home with parents? Are people not allowed to have social lives and celebrations if for whatever reason they don’t have their own place? I don’t live at home anymore but tbh I would be upset if my mum didn’t trust me to have a group of friends over for a one off celebration at my age.

This is precisely the approach that worked with my DD (ASD also not diagnosed until adult and yes, I also felt guilty about not spotting it sooner, also was under CAMHS for anxiety as a teen). Telling her no could be tricky but explaining WHY it was no would work because she could understand the 'rules' better that way.

And its not 'everyone' - just her Mum (maybe Dad) - these rules dont apply to her friends or colleagues. Shes actively choosing to bully, control and punish a specific target with the threat of volatilty and instilling fear in her mother.

Absolutely this, and
She explains her rules in terms of what someone with autism would need

Just because she has 'her rules' doesn't mean everyone has to follow them!

She needs to develop coping strategies e.g. for disappointment / not getting what she wants.
CBT could help perhaps.

All the best !

I agree with this. The 'oh I won't enjoy my birthday without my friends' thing would have me shutting right down.

The party is just a tiny part of a much, much bigger issue. You need to be firm and stay strong and say no to the party, offer some help with alternatives. She will have a good night whatever she says.

Its understandable why you have got to this point, you’re so worried because of her past struggles that you’ve pandered to her and allowed yourself to be manipulated and bullied in fear or what she might do if you dare say no to something or put reasonable boundaries and expectations in place. Your comment about being in the kitchen and not being able to speak to her unless she talks to you first made me really sad.

I agree with the poster above that called it abuse, it is. I hope you can get some good advice and support on how to turn this around for all of your sakes, this is as bad for your DD as it is for you. She really needs to put some effort into moving out and gaining the independence she apparently so desperately wants. House share with friends, room in a HMO, small flat or bedsit?

OP, Women's aid would be a good first call.

Perhaps if they were to name it as coercive abuse in the home, which is not unusual and is not confined to men, it might help you protect yourself.

You feeli g low after last week has all the hallmark of prolonged abuse.

You do not want her living with you long term....she will never move now she knows her word is law.

Time for intervention.
At 23 they need to want to help themselves.

You need protecting from her.

Call Womens aid for a chat.

If I felt my daughter was potentially a vulnerable adult I would probably try and encourage and support her to socialise in a safe way. I think letting her have a party at home but putting in place boundaries around what a party at home looks like is potentially a way forward - unless she refuses in which case I think you are right to hold the boundary.

Edited to say - I don't think you should feel guilty about not picking up on potential ND earlier. Until recently there was a poor understanding of ND in women and girls and many, many people, including professionals, frequently misdiagnosed. It is only very recently that awareness and understanding has improved.

I am not keen on the 'failure to launch' comments here. Many autistic adults without a learning difficulty appear to cope until the point comes to live independently, and then loads of challenges arise. Many autistic adults, including 'high functioning' adults need support to live independently. That is not 'failure'. That of course does not negate your need to live safely and happily in your own home.

For whatever reason (mental health, snowplough parenting (perhaps out of fear)) it sounds like your daughter is failing to launch her adult life. That’s the bit to focus on. It sounds a bit like you’re being emotionally blackmailed. It might be better for her in the long run to feel some discomfort/sadness and learn how to cope with it, because there is no life where those unpleasant feelings don’t crop up, and it may give her some incentive to focus on her career and getting her own place/flat share. Obviously it would have been better for you to say no immediately but you were caught off guard. I think it’s ok to say ‘Actually, on reflection….’ People change their minds - that’s also life.

No to party if her friends can't be trusted - they are early 20s - not 16!

I would also be stopping her calling all the shots. Life won't make this many concessions. I have had depression - I didn't punish my family

Honestly, she is doing this because she snaps her fingers and you all do exactly what she wants. She gets to set all kinds of ridiculous rules and you march to her beat.

One does not get their MH "ruined" because they couldn't have a rowdy party at their parent's house.

If you allow it, she will expect you to provide all the food and drink, or she'll be "sad". Then clean up for her because she'll be anxious.....

I am wondering if being potentially ND there is some black and white thinking at play here, as well as sense of injustice coming out.

I wonder if she is seeing this like this: mum said yes to the party so that's all there is to it, it's my home and these are my friends so they are the people I am going to invite to my party, as it is my home and these are my friends then it's up to me and my mum said yes so that is that no arguments. Any deviation from this would be wrong.

That is obviously just a guess but seems possible. It's also worth mentioning that some young women with ASD may be in some ways socially naive, so may not see the red flags in behaviour of others in the way other young women of the same age might. 'I like him, he's nice to me so I don't mind if he takes drugs' etc.

This could really be a good opportunity to teach her a little bit about some kinds of social expectations. It could be 'I want you to have a lovely birthday party and to celebrate with your friends in a place you feel comfortable. As our home is a space we share it is important that we ALL feel comfortable with what happens in the house. Because of this, in order to have a party here it will be important to think about inviting only friends who will respect our space and our boundaries about behaviour. Dad and I are very mindful about your boundaries and what makes you feel comfortable in our home. We also need you to respect our boundaries, which include e.g. only inviting people to our home who we know will respect the space and not engage in certain kinds of behaviour (e.g. xxx). You can have the party here as long as X happens. That way we all have our needs met'.

I think it's also possibly important to keep it about behaviour and make it clear you are not saying she has 'bad friends' etc, as she may not take that well. It's not about judging friends, it's about maintaining a the home safe and comfortable space where the 3 of you live together and respect each other's needs.

Yeah I'm sorry I don't get the problem all those saying 23 year old don't have parties in their parents house. People have full on parties all the time at their parents houses. My parents have held parties for all.of us over the years. And their house isn't big either. Tell her no more than 10. Make her do the prep and tidy up. Plan a night out with your bmhubby instead of paying for her to go away you go away

@Catshelper
do you think she's punishing you? not sure why but not allowing you to talk to her etc. Also agree with the coercive comment.

Agreed, with more context it feels like something not quite right is going on.

@Catshelper You are not being unreasonable not wanting your dd to host a possibly house trashing party in your home. A possible yes to a few friends having a night in is totally different to a bunch of strangers (to you) invading and disrespecting your home. She changed the event. You can say no to the updated plans.
Stick to what YOU want. You've said you'll pay for her to hire somewhere. That is more than fair. But let her book it so any damage/fallback is on her, not you.
Don't let her bully you. Giving in because she has a hissy fit will not do either of you any good.
She is an adult with a job and her own money. If she kicks off - ok dd, you want to be independant, that's great. Happy to help you move out.
Stronger boundaries will be better for your future relationship. Loving her doesn't equate to being a doormat.

Even if she is ND she still needs rules and boundaries. ND/MH is not an excuse and sometimes people in these situations actually respond better to clear rules.

There’s no way this would be happening in my house. But also, no way I would have given her the impression that it might. You’re in a tricky position now. I think I would still put my foot down and say no though. As PPs have said tiptoeing around her is not the way to help her develop resilience and stronger MH.

OP, just want to reiterate that you are perfectly entitled to tell her she’s not having a party and you also do not need to fund an alternative venue!