Not wanting to have a party for adult dc

I don't think 15 23yos sounds horrendous unless you have reason to think they are particularly high risk for trashing the place? Equally, surely she can go to the pub with her mates?

Edit to add - just read your recent update. Ok, fair enough - send them to the pub!

Remember the Yellow Pages advert from donkeys years ago?

She lives with you again now so the party is in her home, I don’t think that’s weird.

You shouldn’t of said yes if you weren’t sure but if it’s a definite no I think you should tell her asap.

Could you and DH book a night away with the money you would have given your DD? You wouldn’t need to do any prep anyway and tell your DD she needs to make sure the house is in the same condition you left it in.

Do you normally walk on eggshells around her to prevent triggering her? Looks to an outsider like she's manipulating you both.

I wouldn't have a problem letting her have friends around so long as she didn't expect I would tidy and clean afterwards. But throwing tantrums basically because you're not bending to her will....shes 23 ffs far to old for that.

If you changing your mind send her over the edge, she was already very close to the edge.
Tell her, 5 friends or go on out.

I feel like the odd one out, i would absolutely let my daughter have a birthday party at my house, it sounds nice. I would help her plan and organize it

Out of all my school friends only one had parents that would let them do this on birthdays. They would stay at a hotel and send notes to all the neighbours promising that the music would stop at midnight.

I wouldn't be holding a party at home either, its just not practical. Can she not hire a hall or something?

I think you're being a bit stingy tbh. My adult DC are welcome to have friends round anytime they like.
This is one night for your daughters birthday, unless she has some kind of history of having wild parties I really don't get the problem

Yep, your big mistake was saying yes. It’s your home, even if she is your daughter, and having a load of strangers (to you) inside feels like a violation. She’s an adult, and needs to function like one, so get her to do all the organising, cleaning, setting up, prepping and laying down some rules to her friends, and don’t be soft enough to do something like this again. Hopefully things will go well, no damage, no complaints, nothing going missing. Apologise to your OH, sort out a night out together, keep your fingers crossed, and set a curfew for getting home. And for goodness sake don’t help her with the tidying up! She needs to learn what life is like, and it isn’t getting your own way.

your dh is right in that it's not common. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it but only if the hosts are happy, which you aren't. That said I do agree with the first poster who said you shouldn't have agreed in the first place if you were unhappy with the idea. Going back on your word is almost always unreasonable.

She said she would feel sad on her birthday if she wasn't surrounded by all her friends.
This does sound manipulative. Surely there's a pub or somewhere she can meet her friends? At 23 she is too old for her parents to pay for or facilitate her bday parties, MH issues or not!

Will "all" her friends even attend? I'm not sure I'd want to go round someone's parents house for a bday party aged 23, particulary knowing they were hiding away upstairs or popping in and out asking us to keep the noise down, it would feel very juvenile and like a 13/14 bday party before you had any other options!

Why did she move back home?
Many people end up staying in the area they went to university in. You say she is unhappy living back at home, and I don't see this is going to be fixed by having a party and there are bigger issues going on.

I think it was foolish to initially say yes to hosting a party, you should have said no or you didn't think that would be a good idea but would think about it. Not sure why her MH is coming into this either, unless that is the reason you can't tell her no.

I suggest hiring a room in a pub or a hall.

I think it’s ok to tell her you’ve thought about it and you’re just not comfortable.

when was the last time she went to a similar party at a friends who live with their parents? I’d be surprised if it was recently.

I get that she wants a party but as she doesn’t currently have a suitable venue she can’t. If she works in pubs surely she knows one that will have the kind of vibe she wants for her party?

Your daughter sounds manipulative. She knows if she has a sissy fit you will fold. Your husband is right, adults don't have birthday parties in their parents house. Let her be sad.

I understand your daughter has MH issues, but I feel that you are treading on egg shells around her, too frightened to disagree with her in case, the word no upsets her. Your daughter's MH shouldn't be used as an excuse for her to be allowed her own way all the time. She has managed well living away at University. OK, so living back at home after living away is hard, but equally she's a grown adult at 23, not a child. You've bent over backwards to help and support her, as well as making changes at home to accommodate her. I agree with another post, that if you didn't want a large number of people in your home from the start, you should have said no. You didn't, you half agreed, which your daughter has taken as a definite agreement. I wouldn't want 10-15 people in my house either. Ask your daughter to find a local hall to rent for the night or suggest a gathering at a local restaurant/pub. If you do decide to allow this party, make it clear she's organising it, tidying up and will be responsible for those in the house. She's 23, perfectly capable of hosting her own party. Suddenly, I suspect she won't be so keen, if she's got to provide food, tidy up and be responsible.

Well it's too late now - you said yes so it would be a bit shit to go back on it when she did ask you before telling people

She's not a random lodger. It's her home currently. I would want my dd to feel comfortable where she lives. Is she contributing?

I would say she needs to do all the prep, host the night and take responsibility for any breakages. She's not a teenager

You and DH can just go out for 1 night surely?! Be nearby if you are worried but let her have the birthday she would like

My point was at 23 she is grown up enough for goal posts to change it happens in life

Why doesn't she hold a party at the bar she works in. I have read about parties which get put on social media and far more turn up and houses have been ruined. Holding a party somewhere else avoids that . Tell her you are sorry but you don't want your home wrecked. Does a 23 need a party. I wouldn't have thought so . She could hold it at a bar.

Sorry but you can't "set off" depression by saying your adult daughter can't have a party in your house!!!

It's quite normal for people to have parties where they live

You wouldn't be hosting - she will

You might want to ask if she is happy with you being around ( given it's your home as well as hers)

She might feel you want to give her money to get rid of her

Can you hire a function room at a local pub
as a compromise instead?

I don't think you need to host ie do any organising, that's her responsibility (as is clean up). But you said yes and it's her home at the moment. I don't agree with your husband, it'd be weird if she no longer lived at home, but she does and it doesn't matter if she's 23 or not. I think your husband and you should plan a nice evening out yourselves and maybe a night away (using the money you were going to give her). Longer term though I think you and your daughter should work on a plan for her to become more independent. You said she's unhappy being at home, maybe a plan will make her feel more in control of her life and be a positive thing.

limit the numbers perhaps

I think you misread. OP should say no now, but she shouldn’t have said yes to begin with as changing the goalposts is a bit unfair. She should have just said no.