Not wanting to have a party for adult dc

How convenient for her, that you think saying no may trigger her MH to deteriorate.

She has you right where she wants you.
I think that as parents accommodating because of poor MH has gone too far, and some of our children use it as a stick to beat, control and manipulate us with.

I feel this from experience unfortunately.

I think OP you say no and if she doesn't like it she needs to go to counselling to figure out why the word No is so triggering for her.

I would not tolerate my home being thrashed to assuage my adult childs MH.

Give her ex amount as a gift and tell her get on with it.
Sounds like she needs to lodge elsewhere and is completely taking the piss at home.
She needs a few home truths and if basic manners like hello and goodbye are beyond her, then she really needs to move out.

Oh and I don't know of anyone having parties at home when children start drinking alcohol.
Too many real horror stories out there of lovely homes being thrashed.
There seems to be a lot kf disrespect when alcohol and coke are mixed.

Not in my house.

It’s 10-15 people so a gathering rather than a party imo. Knowing my DD’s friends I’d not have an issue with it as a one off. I guess we’re all different as my parents loved hosting parties and did bbqs etc for my friends up to 22 (only stopped because I got married and moved out). But, if you’re not comfortable then you have to have a conversation.

Your DH is right, people in their twenties don't have parties in their parents house.

Why can't she go to the local pub with them?
Sometimes you can hinder someone's recovery by pandering to them.

I started off thinking why wouldn’t you allow it? But your updates make it an easy NO. Tough if she’s upset.

I’d explain that it’s a 2 way street. If DD was living in the household like family, things would possibly be different. But living like a lodger means that goodwill and respect are not able to be properly built up.

Breaking things, vomiting from alcohol etc is pretty pathetic behaviour from a 23 year old. There’s no reason that anybody should believe that’s acceptable in anyone else’s home.

Just say no.

I wouldn't if there is a risk of it being trashed and drugs being present

Ah sorry, I misunderstood. Yes, I understand that. And tbh if she's made her mind up on this, I think you're right, that's exactly what will happen if the alternative doesn't work well. I suppose that's a risk you just need to throw in with the pros and cons and decide whether you can tolerate the party for a less stressful situation, or if you want to stay firm about what you want and tolerate any repercussions. Not much help, really. But for what it's worth I'd allow the party as the least worst option.

Me too.

I don't blame you. It sounds as though her issues already dominate your life.

Tell her to hire a venue.

she’s 23, not 12. If she wants to host a large amount of people she should hire a venue or room somewhere. Some don’t even charge as long as you spend a certain amount behind the bar.

If she isn’t happy with not being allowed free rein at home she’s more than capable of doing what a lot of 23 years olds do which is living in their own place.

If you are going to pay for a trip to London how about shelling out for an airbnb??

Isn't there a village hall or somewhere she could hire? Or a function room in a pub?

After reading your updates I really don't think you should let her have a party at your house!

I really can't see why you wouldn't want to? It's not as if she's asking for a party every month.

Hire a hall for 12 people?

for that amount of people it’s a party at home or drinks /meals out.

I don’t really understand why a party at home wouldn’t be practical.

I don’t think it’s strange for a 23 year old to have a party at their parents house if that where they live.
if you don’t want to her then fair enough say no but don’t say no just because it’s not a done thing.

You said you’d managed to stave off birthdays from teenaged years til now so maybe just see it as one night that covers the years off? She doesn’t want to hold it anywhere else, and as parents we all have to suck things up, plus it’s just one night! (And I know you’ve had to live with a lot and deal with a lot x)

Who's house is it
It would be a no from me
She can get her own home and do a party there
Perhaps she's forgotten she's not 6 still

Having read your update YANBU in this instance. However is your DH's assertion that 'people at 23 don't have parties in their parents houses' based on when he was 23 or 23 year olds now?
When I was 23, no they didn't, because we had pretty much all moved out and so had parties in our own homes. Rising property prices have ruled that out for a lot of current day 23 year olds though, so presumably a lot are having them in 'their parents houses', or as they see them, 'their homes'. Add in the number of pubs closing in recent years, plus the cost of eating or drinking out and it's a pretty shit time to be trying to socialise as a young person.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, especially with your daughter's wild party history.

I'm not sure i agree with your husband. I think with people living at home longer it's not that unusual for someone in their 20s to host at their parent's home, especially when parents are away.

I agree with the other poster who suggested a room in a pub.

I wouldn’t have the party at your house - you can usually arrange to meet in a corner of a bar or club for free.

well in that case your home doesn't seem a suitable venue, 23 year olds are unlikely to be particularly grown up, unless you stay at home skulking in the kitchen!
there are so many other places she could chose surely,
hire a cottage with some friends?
bottomless brunch?
escape room?
music venue?