Not wanting to have a party for adult dc

Were you able to resolve the issue @Catshelper ?

I wouldn’t dream of telling my children that they can’t have a party in our house, it’s their home too. Just go out/ enjoy a short break, set clear boundaries on how tidy/ clean you want the house when you return and put any valuables/ breakables away.

Read the thread!!!

Not big enough for 10 people?! Unless there is a huge backstory with our of control parties previously, why do you think the house would get trashed?

How did it go @Catshelper ?

I absolutely agree

Just let her do it! She might be struggling with friends and wants to do this to help her confidence. Move everything you don’t want broken and go watch tv upstairs or go out. Lots of the younger ones nowadays don’t drink and are sensible

Could you hire a gazebo for the garden and a few heaters/ tables? X

You can be loving and supportive for her mental health, but not allowing her not to hold a drunken party in your small home isn’t going to cause depression. It may cause her to become angry and say you are damaging her mental health because she is used to you indulging her because you worry about her. I understand why you would, but honestly, refusing to indulge her on day to day stuff and parties won’t damage her, but they will put a strain on your husband and you and encourage your daughter to act like a young teenager.

It's OK to say no, it's your home. I feel bad for her though as you said yes and she's then set her heart on it, planned it in her head and she'll be disappointed. That's life though, and you're entitled to change your mind.
Personally, I'm chilled about these things, I'd book me and dh a weekend away somewhere and leave her to it on the proviso the house is back to its original condition by Sunday night when we return home. It's her home too, she is hosting and she can tidy it all up, which will teach her some responsibility about the effort involved in a party, guarantee once she's paid for it and tidied up from it, she'll take your cash and go to London next year.

She's a 23 year old adult and is using her past mental health issues to manipulate you !
She's an adult not a child anymore stop tip toeing round her
" I'll be sad if I can't get my own way and have a party" is gaslighting behaviour and manipulation nip that in the bud

@purplehair1

this! Presumably your daughter and friends don’t have form for vomming and ruining things in your house?

Your daughter's party sounds like a bit of a different vibe to the planned drugs and vomiting sesh planned by OP's daughter...

Goodness me let the girl have her small party. You people are miserable! Just make it clear she does all the clearing up and cleaning after. My daughter had a small gathering for New Year and we just hid in the front room. They had a lovely time and then went off to a club. She decorated the kitchen with gold balloons and streamers it looked ace.

I am wondering if what DD is doing is learning to very strongly advocate for her own needs and preferences. She might be starting to understand what she struggles with and what she doesn't. BUT she doesn't seem to have understood those are not the same things as "rules", they are probably more accurately "boundaries" - expectations she has about how she wants others to treat her.

The thing about boundaries is that they are your own. If your boundaries are being violated you remove yourself, generally. The other thing about boundaries is that everyone can have them. So in a situation where multiple people live together, there needs to be a negotiation, which also depends on the context in which you are living. It is not workable for one person to enforce their boundaries in such a way that violates the boundaries and comfort of others in t shared space.

She needs to know that she has needs which everyone can bear in mind, but also that other people have needs. It may help to communicate clearly what your needs and boundaries are.

I've read all your updates, I'd say that the coercive control/domestic abuse point is in the right spectrum of where this all reads, but giving it that label feels a bit of a... stretch maybe

From your updates it comes across that you've been making choices/accommodations which you thought were in your DD's best interests. And now you're rethinking how best to proceed. You aren't lacking in power or agency here. You are being manipulated (by the constant worry DD's mental health will implode if she doesn't get her way), but you still have the (psychological) ability to control your next move.

So it's time to assert yourself. Your DD's mental health is not your responsibility. She is an adult. She can seek support for her health if she wants to. Not only is her mental health not your responsibility, you are not going to cause her to have poor mental health by saying no to a house party. It doesn't work like that. Equally, speaking to her, knocking on her bedroom door, and expecting her to treat you with respect and politeness is not going to cause a mental health crisis.

You have control over your actions, over what is reasonable and what is a hard no. Nothing you do, as the reasonable and loving mum you sound like, is going to cause her mental health to spiral.

Conversely, expecting reasonable adult behaviour and resilience to life's little knocks can only help her learn to deal with the big wide world and gain actual indepence, not this sudo indepence you're providing in a bubble wrapped toddler proofed world she has now. Day to day minor stress, inconvenience and disappointment is part of normal life and no one should be protected from them. Regardless of their neurodivisity, everyone has to have some degree of resilience to be able to function.

Edited to add, specially about the party situation. You don't need to soften the 'no' by finding an alternative for her. She's an intelligent adult who went to uni. If she wants a party but you say she can't have it at the family home, then she can sort out an alternative. And you certainly don't have to soften it to the consistency of custard by offering an alcohol budget! That's madness! Re-read what you wrote about the alcohol and drug fuelled parties she's told you about. Do you want to enable that? Her mental health will not suffer from you just saying the single word "no". You don't need to soften it.

Well yes @CautiousLurker01 if you want to support the stroppy teenager attitude from the DD, and be shitty to @Catshelper with your totally made up scenario that you've created there? Does your reasoning also mean my 8yo can tell me and his dad to leave the house and fund a Minecraft party on demand?

@CautiousLurker01

because if you read OP’s updates you will see some of her friends will vomit and be destructive, they have form for it and OP doesn’t want that in HER house

"Mum, please may I have my friends come to your home for a party? We need you to finance it and move all your stuff so we can vomit and take drugs without breaking too much. Oh and you're not allowed to speak to me."

She must know on some level that is completely outrageous. Fine, some 23 year olds might still be doing that, but in their own homes, with their own stuff, that they've paid for themselves.

@2025NewUserName

this is why? ⬆️
would you want this happening in your home?

Oh, just read this.

You'd be absolutely crazy to allow this in your home.

Why would you have to move breakables and the rug? 23 is real adult age and I think it would be abnormal for her to be planning on friends getting really drunk at her parents' house.

It would be a hard No from me to the party. I'd also stop buying her food supplies, if she doesn't want to eat with you or talk to you she can buy her own groceries. I'd also be telling her that the living arrangements are not working for you and that she needs to look for new accommodation.

I would never put up with someone, even my ND child, treating me like this in my own home, it sounds like a living hell for you Op. Time for some plain talking and for your DD to move out. If she can't afford to rent she can find a job with live in accommodation. Basically she needs to fuck off out of your house asap.

Ah, I've now seen the post about her friends' behaviour and her bringing up the need to move breakables, etc. This makes it more understandable if you change your mind. I think that it would be fair to say that she can only have a party at your home if you can vet the guest list and exclude the likely offenders. Or have the trip to London, but on a different day when everyone can go. Birthdays don't have to be celebrated on the day itself.