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Original poster

To suspect DP is emotionally abusive?

36 replies

Sawyerishot · 16/02/2025 21:57

Sick to death of DP and wish he’d disappear.

We fell out earlier this week because I perceived him to be deliberately antagonising our (very good and reasonably patient) toddler until he reacted badly so he could tell him off. It happened several times until I snapped and told him to fuck off being a bully. He doesn’t accept that he was bullying and said I’m a shit mum who lets him get away with too much. Later, he told me I’m much harsher on DS than he is. Go figure?

Today’s argument was because I spoke to him about a recurring intense pain I had earlier that frightened me. I wanted a response but instead he just looked back at his phone. I don’t know why I expected anything more as he doesn't seem to like talking unless it’s about his interests, his sensations, his family trauma and so on. 🙄 Anyway, I snapped this time.

The thing is, he storms off upstairs when he’s angry. This often leaves me with the kids, the washing up (after cooking tea that I didn’t get thanked for) and the feeling that I’m insignificant. He’ll happily stay away watching telly and messaging his mates. I usually then offer an olive branch just to diffuse the unsettled feeling I get. Tonight, I went after him and told him to get downstairs and do his fair share of parenting. He told me he wouldn’t be in the same room as me and that if I want his help I’ll have to come to our bedroom out of his way.

Anyway, here I am in our room with our 3-month-old like a naughty kid. Been here since 7pm.

OP posts:
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Original poster
Sawyerishot · 17/02/2025 11:01

In fairness, I’m not paying anything this month towards the house as my pay is about to drop. I’m getting all the food bills instead.

i could care less about the money, really. I just want to get out of here but don’t trust my own gut anymore. Your replies have been affirming.

I actually could have said much more about him but felt it unnecessary.

He’s not dangerous, just unpleasant.

OP posts:
OnaMatUpHere · 17/02/2025 09:44

I doubt there is any point in seeing a solicitor, stop paying his mortgage though, you will need that money for the move.
You just need to find a new place to live, put a deposit down and go.
When it comes down to it you are very unhappy and he is mistreating your child, they are two very good reasons for leaving.

Ponoka7 · 17/02/2025 09:37

I'd film him next time he's going at the toddler, it'll be you that has to leave and if he goes for residency, or 50/50, he'll be the one with stable housing. Being engaged, paying half the mortgage, means nothing. You are being allowed to stay in his house and unless you can show that you've bought furniture, you will leave with nothing. Stop using your savings, as said, the cost of ML should have meant lower contributions.

Naunet · 17/02/2025 09:31

Please tell me you're not currently paying half of his mortgage out of your maternity savings? You both decided to have a child, the financial impact shouldn't be yours alone.

maddening · 17/02/2025 08:22

Tbh if it was me I would grey rock while getting on the mortgage and also poss until the youngest is settled with nursery etc and I was back settled in worm to allow me time to sort my shit - unless I felt unsafe

BountifulPantry · 17/02/2025 08:04

Sawyerishot · 17/02/2025 00:45

@BountifulPantry thanks also for your advice, will look at solicitors.

A good time to sneak off to solicitors now and have a very quiet word whilst you’re off and he is working. They can explain what documents you’ll need and you can set about gathering information. Or they might say “no forget it” in which case you know where you stand.

You said you had really nice family. Are you able to speak to them about what’s happening? If a family member said this to me I’d help them without a shadow of a doubt.

1SillySossij · 17/02/2025 02:45

You sound like you hate one another and are creating a toxic damaging environment for your dc

pikkumyy77 · 17/02/2025 02:14

Your emotions: anger, disgust, horror, sadness, snd fright are there to get you out of a horrible situation . Trust your instincts. This is a horrible situation for you and your children. Don’t negotiate yourself out of running for safety.

Original poster
Sawyerishot · 17/02/2025 00:45

@BountifulPantry thanks also for your advice, will look at solicitors.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sawyerishot · 17/02/2025 00:42

@BountifulPantry
I fantasise about leaving almost daily. I just don’t trust my emotions fully as I’m sleep deprived, anxious snd hormonal so was prepared to give it time until tonight’s argument tipped me over.

OP posts:
BountifulPantry · 17/02/2025 00:33

Hi OP, are you ready to leave him? I guess with a 3 month old maybe you’d want to leave it a month or 3?

With your £2k I would go and speak to a solicitor- if you’ve made substantial contributions to his property then you may have the right to some money from the house, but no means guaranteed.

From there onwards I would start acting like a single parent. Simply don’t factor him in and try and just let him be there. In the meantime make a plan to leave- when are you going back to work, do you need family to help you for a bit etc.

Im glad you have good family support.

Original poster
Sawyerishot · 17/02/2025 00:28

pikkumyy77 · 17/02/2025 00:13

Stress is no excuse for any if this behavior. Expect better of your partner or resugn yourself to eating shit.

Show quote history

I agree it’s not an excuse. I do expect better, hence my post.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sawyerishot · 17/02/2025 00:26

@Semiramide because I wanted another child, don’t be rude.

He didn’t behave like this when we were dating and I’d never previously suspected him of bullying our kid either.

OP posts:
Semiramide · 17/02/2025 00:16

You are unreasonable for getting yourself in this shitty situation with an emotionally unavailable and borderline abusive $#@&%$$.

Why oh why did you choose to have another child...

Seek competent legal advice and see what you can salvage from this mess.

pikkumyy77 · 17/02/2025 00:13

Sawyerishot · 17/02/2025 00:09

@PeriPeriMam
We are both very playful and loving when not under any stress. The sad thing is there is a lot of stress due to his work and also his overbearing family. I’m a teacher so I have my fair share but his is chronic.

Stress is no excuse for any if this behavior. Expect better of your partner or resugn yourself to eating shit.

Original poster
Sawyerishot · 17/02/2025 00:10

Thanks for the advice @GreenLeaf25, I’ll look into that.

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 17/02/2025 00:10

Can you reduce or stop paying your half of HIS mortgage in the meantime? Say it goes towards the children, or you have less maternity pay atm? Yes you should be paying towards utility bills but not towards his asset. Is he paying his share of child costs?

And that's very good news having a supportive family if you do leave. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
Sawyerishot · 17/02/2025 00:09

@PeriPeriMam
We are both very playful and loving when not under any stress. The sad thing is there is a lot of stress due to his work and also his overbearing family. I’m a teacher so I have my fair share but his is chronic.

OP posts:
GreenLeaf25 · 17/02/2025 00:04

Do NOT get on the mortgage as you'll be half liable for it. Get on the deeds, which you can do without being on the mortgage. As he's a DP not a DH you are vulnerable. Definitely make a plan OP!

Original poster
Sawyerishot · 16/02/2025 23:56

@AutumnFroglets
I have a couple grand left out of my maternity savings and also a very supportive family when it comes down to it (although they think the sun shines out of his arse). I wouldn’t be homeless for long.

I’ll try and squirrel away more money whilst I get my head around things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sawyerishot · 16/02/2025 23:50

@Endofyear he told me he contacted his mortgage advisor earlier this week as we’re looking to upsize which would necessitate me being granted a mortgage too.

I know I sound naive, I am.

OP posts:
Copperoliverbear · 16/02/2025 23:24

Leave him, he's an arsehole a bullying one at that. X

PeriPeriMam · 16/02/2025 23:18

You're very vulnerable in this scenario in terms of paying into his mortgage with no security. He does sound emotionally abusive (and/or just a pain in the arse). Do you feel safe with him? Are there good things about the relationship?

AutumnFroglets · 16/02/2025 23:11

Oh. You have put yourself in an incredibly vulnerable position.

You need to start saving up for a run away fund and grow it as fast as possible. Start looking at rentals and see what is required with deposits and references so you are ready to go as soon as you have enough. Go on a benefits checker to see if you are entitled to any uc or anything.

He could throw you out tomorrow and you would have zero rights. Start saving.

Endofyear · 16/02/2025 23:06

Sawyerishot · 16/02/2025 23:01

@Endofyear
Yes, his mortgage that I’ve been putting to with for years. We’re engaged with 2 kids but not yet married. I was irresponsible with credit when I was younger so wasn’t eligible for a mortgage at the time we got the house. Things are probably different now, though.

Can you get him to add your name to the mortgage? I'm just worried your relationship doesn't sound great and if you split he can literally throw you out of the house as it's his and you have no claim on it 🙁