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Original poster

Family Drama

33 replies

MixedBananas · 16/02/2025 20:44

Would you distance yourself from people "family" like this?

DM had knee surgery and complications needed 2 long stays in hospital her DS didn't visit at all and made an awful excuse that only 1 visitor was allowed. Howpital is 20mins drive. Utter bull crap. DMs DS went to help out with her DDs distant friends, grandmothers funeral. Travelled over 2 hours and stayed a week to help out the family. Not close just an acquaintance. No friendship whatsoever between the elderly lady and the DS.
What message does this send?

P.s DM and DS have a on and off relationship like usual sister drama bothibg major, but DM was blindsided by these events in the last 12months and this was the whole cake and the icing with a cherry on top for us all.

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LittleRedRidingHoody · 17/02/2025 15:23

Well DM is very ill and anytime she ends up in hospital (its terminal, so pretty serious!) all the family avoid visiting because they hate hospitals/seeing her there unwell. It's a bit crappy but I'd never cut contact over it!

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 17/02/2025 15:17

I think you don't need to go NC as such but yes, just take a step back from her. We had to do this with a family friend, which I understand isn't the same as such, but I recognise what you mean about the outbursts.

Do as you would normally do rg birthday card etc, but just a basic involvement sounds beet.

Hoppinggreen · 17/02/2025 15:05

MixedBananas · 17/02/2025 11:41

It is a sign of "showing off". Look at me helping so and so. DA doesnt have any friends apart from DM she is a loner and only sees DM who visits her home weekley. They are only 10mins away.

Yes as she was in hospital and her DH were inhospitable for a multitude of normal routine things, my DM and myself have helped her even when she had the flu. It is different in our culture.

Routine? No DM had complications and infection and was very poorley. As we are not English the standards of etiquette are not as yours. We have very high standards and reaponsibilites are different. Especially as DM is much older then her DS. Respect for elders is very important.

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Clearly most of us know nothing about this etiquette etc of which you speak because this is a UK based site and so most of us will be judging this situation on what expectations here would be.
So what do you actually expect anyone to say?

pinkdelight · 17/02/2025 11:41

MixedBananas · 17/02/2025 11:37

No there is years of this behaviour. Even myself I had children she never called or visited to congratulate. I had to taie my children to her. P.s she is very able and travels all over the UK and the world on holidays and is wealthy.
We are not English so in my culture there is etiquette to do such things. Sickness, birth, marriage you visit and take food and keep close. As we have done with them.

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Etiquette isn't mandatory. You says she's always been like this so why expect any different and be heartbroken? Why not get the message by now that this is who she is and she's not going to do the etiquette thing just because you do? As ever, you/your DM can't control other people's actions, only your expectations and responses to it.

Original poster
MixedBananas · 17/02/2025 11:41

CaptainFuture · 17/02/2025 11:36

Why will she be 'heart broken' her sister isn't coming to visit and care for her following a fairly routine knee operation?
I don't think you/she know as much as you do re the help/support she was giving a bereaved family. As I personally would think it a bit invasive for someone completely unknown to come and move in to help out!

It is a sign of "showing off". Look at me helping so and so. DA doesnt have any friends apart from DM she is a loner and only sees DM who visits her home weekley. They are only 10mins away.

Yes as she was in hospital and her DH were inhospitable for a multitude of normal routine things, my DM and myself have helped her even when she had the flu. It is different in our culture.

Routine? No DM had complications and infection and was very poorley. As we are not English the standards of etiquette are not as yours. We have very high standards and reaponsibilites are different. Especially as DM is much older then her DS. Respect for elders is very important.

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Original poster
MixedBananas · 17/02/2025 11:37

Never2many · 16/02/2025 20:53

So you want to distance yourself from your auntie because she didn’t visit your mother in hospital? Seriously?

Honestly the trend of going “nc” has gone way too far on here.

No there is years of this behaviour. Even myself I had children she never called or visited to congratulate. I had to taie my children to her. P.s she is very able and travels all over the UK and the world on holidays and is wealthy.
We are not English so in my culture there is etiquette to do such things. Sickness, birth, marriage you visit and take food and keep close. As we have done with them.

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CaptainFuture · 17/02/2025 11:36

Why will she be 'heart broken' her sister isn't coming to visit and care for her following a fairly routine knee operation?
I don't think you/she know as much as you do re the help/support she was giving a bereaved family. As I personally would think it a bit invasive for someone completely unknown to come and move in to help out!

Original poster
MixedBananas · 17/02/2025 11:34

Aqz · 17/02/2025 10:07

I wouldn't make drama out of this, I would simply absorb it as relevant information.

Now you know that family support from this person is a one way street and would 100% drop that rope.

I wouldn't entertain or discuss her behaviour, just adapt your own to reflect hers going forward.

I find that works really well.

Thank you for your response. It is not nice to walk away and "give up" on family. Of course none of us want that but this family member has been spoken to and in turn ihas been defensive and in denial and gas lightening.
I have always ahowen respect to my elders if am not someone to shout or argue with older family but always try to mediate. My DB who is older even tried more then me and made a point to visit her often and dowcuss things calmly. But it made 0 difference it seems.

Not cutting ties but I am stepping back and keeping contact to only what is now necessary. Sad though as they were very present in my childhood.

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Original poster
MixedBananas · 17/02/2025 11:30

Well it is family drama as this is the straw that broke the camels back. And not nice to have people behaving this way especially those that have always been done right by them in times of need from both myself my siblings and DM.

There is backstory of conatant issues like this but this was enough for all of us. My DM is very heartbroken of her actiona to help a stranger she has spoken to only a handful of times and her own sister she never cares for.

We have told DM for years to stop the effort and step away as ahe will end up heart broken. Her DS is showing her true colpurs and has not hid it but DM kept thinking she would change.
I have witnessed as a child DA outburst and erratic behaviour as well as selfishness i have also been at the hands of this.

There is many decades of this but now WE ALL had enough.

OP posts:
Aqz · 17/02/2025 10:07

I wouldn't make drama out of this, I would simply absorb it as relevant information.

Now you know that family support from this person is a one way street and would 100% drop that rope.

I wouldn't entertain or discuss her behaviour, just adapt your own to reflect hers going forward.

I find that works really well.

Hoppinggreen · 17/02/2025 09:53

My Mum was in and out of hospital for all sorts and I don't think my Aunt or Uncle visited her there once.
I did and so did my brother, what everyone else did was their business.
Your family must be pretty drama free if you want to create some over something as minor as this

pinkdelight · 17/02/2025 09:49

What message does this send?

To whom? Who does things because it'll send a message? Your aunt has her own relationship with your mother and it's between them. She did what she wanted for the people she prioritised and you've no idea what your mum would've done if it was the other way around. You can't hold other people up to some general rule of what you think a sister should do and expect them to do it to send the right message. This needn't be a drama unless you make it one.

Emptyflames · 17/02/2025 09:11

Families are weird

Maybe your DM DS doesnt like hospitals, maybe there are other things happening between them that you dont know about, maybe DM DS is a not very nice person.... who knows

(why didnt you put DAunt? or at least DM DSis so it didnt look like your Mothers (DM) Son (DS) )

Cookiesandcandies · 17/02/2025 08:31

If I was in hospital for a couple of weeks with something as routine as a knee op (even with a post op infection) I wouldn’t expect my sister to visit. I wouldn’t likely visit my sister either unless she had no other visitors and neither of us would have an issue with that. Similarly re help on discharge - I’d help if no one else could, but my mum and her DC would help first and so I’d probably not be involved.

So to me this is a total non event and I probably wouldn’t have even noticed she wasn’t there.

If either of us were dying however, I’d expect a visit.

mnreader · 17/02/2025 08:20

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NerrSnerr · 17/02/2025 08:09

What does your mum think about this?

Considering your mum was having visitors during both admissions I don't see how this is described as 'drama'. Seems very dramatic from your side.

ExtraOnions · 17/02/2025 08:04

My mum had a stroke 2 years ago, she’s in a care home because of it, needing 24 hour care, her sister has not been to see her. I get it, they have a complicated relationship due to some awful parenting, and my mother’s narcissistic personality. I text my aunty with any updates, but don’t wish her ill will due to her decision. Relationships are complicated.

ItShouldntHappenToMeYet · 17/02/2025 08:03

Never2many · 16/02/2025 20:53

So you want to distance yourself from your auntie because she didn’t visit your mother in hospital? Seriously?

Honestly the trend of going “nc” has gone way too far on here.

As has the use of abbreviations! Half the time, I have no idea who all these 'D...' are!
Still, it can make some threads amusing (and some quite scary!)

Loubelle70 · 17/02/2025 07:58

Yellowrosessmellpetaly · 16/02/2025 21:25

Best stay out of it unless you are fully aware of all the details and all the history between them.

This. Also you cant control others actions just your own.

GretchenWienersHair · 17/02/2025 07:53

I’m very confused about the whole thing. Is DS your sister or your aunt? Either way, it sounds like there’s a lot of drama being created by people who have nothing to do with the situation.

Coconutter24 · 17/02/2025 07:50

DMs DS went to help out with her DDs distant friends, grandmothers funeral. Travelled over 2 hours and stayed a week to help out the family. Not close just an acquaintance. No friendship whatsoever between the elderly lady and the DS.
What message does this send?

Your auntie didn’t do that for an elderly lady she didn’t know, she did that for her own DD.

you say DM and DS have an on off relationship so I don’t think this is the drama your thinking it is. I would say it’s more your job to visit her in hospital as her adult child, even more so for the fact they aren’t close

heldinadream · 17/02/2025 07:50

Is your mum actually complaining about her sister or is this all in your head?

ItGhoul · 17/02/2025 07:43

Your family’s idea of ‘drama’ is one adult sibling not visiting another adult sibling when they’re in hospital for (checks notes) 5 days and 10 days? Good grief.

What’s this even got to do with you? It’s between your mum and her sister. Not all sisters are close.

CaptainFuture · 17/02/2025 07:38

MixedBananas · 17/02/2025 07:25

First time it was 5 days the second time it was 10days due to infection.

Yes DM children visited. But her DS who knew she was in a bad way never did and made lame excuse about only 1 visitor is allowed.
This family member was in hospital 1 hour away 2 years ago and DM and us went multiple times during her stay and provided help after discharge. When DM was discharged she got no help from her DS.

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Where they in hospital for the same thing?

Sunnydiary · 17/02/2025 07:34

I can’t imagine this being drama in most families. Is your family prone to this tedious nonsense?

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