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Original poster

Dad won't get bed each for children

182 replies

TealPoster · 16/02/2025 11:03

Been divorced from my children's dad 5 years, he has them one night a week plus every other weekend. Until a few months ago our son (nearly 7) he had sleeping in a cot bed. My son said he couldn't lie flat as it was so small. Daughter has a single bed. Said he was waiting for me to pay him final divorce settlement to get him a bed. Gave him the several thousand in the autumn, still no bed. He (dad) has a sofa bed he'll sometimes sleep on and kids take it in turn in his bed. Now apparently the sofa bed isn't comfortable, so daughter (almost 10) has to sleep in a bed with him (dad). AIBU to tell him to sort out a bed each for them! I've asked/told him 3 times to get our son his own bed. It's a 3 bedroom house. I want to tell him they can't stay there until he has a bed each sorted but know he'll try and twist it into some kind of story that I'm blocking contact or something. My belief is children should have access to their own clean and comfortable bed!

OP posts:
YourHappyJadeEagle · 16/02/2025 13:10

bigboykitty · 16/02/2025 12:31

"Let me know when you've sorted beds for the children and then we'll be able to discuss starting contact again". Then ignore. What a prick. Do not buy the beds and pander to this abusive idiot.

This. 100%.

Youagain2025 · 16/02/2025 13:07

ThighsYouCantControl · 16/02/2025 11:26

The children need their own beds, that really isn’t asking too much. In fact, when my children and I had social services involvement years back due to DV, one of the first things the social worker wanted to establish was where the children slept. They were expected to have their own beds, with clean bedding on it. It’s considered a basic need. My son slept in my bed most nights at the time but still had his own bed available to him.

Your ex will always have an excuse to come up short somewhere. I’d be very surprised if this was the only marker of neglect in his home.

100% agree

Mandarinaduck · 16/02/2025 13:05

This is neglect and totally unacceptable. I would refuse to send them until they each had their own bed. Putting a 6 year old in a cot? Sharing a bed with a 10 year old girl? Absolutely not on.

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 16/02/2025 13:05

Yes just stop sending themtill he's got beds in place.

seven201 · 16/02/2025 13:02

Are you in contact with any of his family and get on ok with them? If so maybe get them on the case. It's not acceptable when he has the space available.

Imisscoffee2021 · 16/02/2025 13:02

My dad was like this, really lived off the books with his affair partner in her council house so rented the cheapest flat he could to house us, so a one bedroom where he, me and my sister slept. He snored loads and kept me awake so I used to sleep on sofa cushions by the front door in the hall then when he finished watching TV he'd wake me and id go into the single bed in the living room. Just accepted it as normal as a kid so never mentioned to my mum and she was gutted to find out years later, and as an adult with my own son now I think it was such an awful thing to do. Your kids will remember and know he didn't prioritise them, unlike you.

As pp have said use a court approved method of communication and until he can provide a bed for the children each then he doesnt technically have space to house them safely.

Nanny0gg · 16/02/2025 12:56

TealPoster · 16/02/2025 12:06

Thanks for the responses, I've talked to my daughter again, she said they will often swap who stays in his bed, she said the 3rd bedroom is full of junk and boxes, and in their room his cot bed is still there but covered in boxes, so there's no room for another bed at the moment. So basically he needs to clear out all the junk and old cot bed! I've messaged him again, he's read it but no reply. Sending one at a time is a good idea, at least that way they will have a bed to themselves until he gets his lazy self in gear to sort it out. My daughter said whenever someone has come to visit like his mum he keeps all the bedroom doors shut, so no one else has seen the sleeping situation.

Get her to show her gran her room!

CandyLeBonBon · 16/02/2025 12:53

Yeah giving your kids a bed is the most basic care. I'd not be sending them until he's sorted it.

RandomMess · 16/02/2025 12:50

Start using a court approved app for communication and state that the DC are NOT happy not having a suitable bed each and it's inappropriate that he is bed sharing with them.

That he has the room & the finances to provide them with a bed and room each so it's completely unacceptable that they do not have their own beds.

TomatoSandwiches · 16/02/2025 12:48

I would message his mother then and say you are going to have to stop overnight visits because of the bed situation and explain the DD has mentioned how cluttered the rooms are and that he may need family help to sort it out so he can sort the children's rooms and beds out to start overnights again.

user1492757084 · 16/02/2025 12:45

Involve his parents. Ex is incompetent.

Ask his mother to help sort out the children's bedroom so that a new bed can be fitted.
Tell ex that his daughter has chosen a second hand bed at an op shop and she will not be coming over to stay until he has room for it.
Go shopping with DD, buy the bed, a new mattress and bedding. They are hers, a gift from you.
Paint it together maybe.

I also like the idea, above, of offering him a loan to buy it, and a loan of your father and brother too.

JimHalpertsWife · 16/02/2025 12:38

Moveoverdarlin · 16/02/2025 12:36

Hey Jim, the bed situation is really bothering the kids. Just looked on IKEA website and a single bed is £90. Do you need me to lend you the money for it? I’m happy to. If you’re worried you won’t be able to assemble it either I can come round and do it or my Dad / Brother is happy to. They are way beyond cot beds and sharing don’t you think?

Embarrass the lazy A Hole in to doing something!

Too accommodating

"Dd has made it clear she is uncomfortable bed sharing. Overnights for her can resume once she has her own bed at yours. Let me know what time is best to collect her each evening she spends the day with you so that she can sleep in her own bed"

Moveoverdarlin · 16/02/2025 12:36

Hey Jim, the bed situation is really bothering the kids. Just looked on IKEA website and a single bed is £90. Do you need me to lend you the money for it? I’m happy to. If you’re worried you won’t be able to assemble it either I can come round and do it or my Dad / Brother is happy to. They are way beyond cot beds and sharing don’t you think?

Embarrass the lazy A Hole in to doing something!

Sunshineandrainbow · 16/02/2025 12:34

Could you buy them and deduct the money from any settlement or is that all complete now?

I know it makes it easy for him but the kids are the priority.

biscuitsandbooks · 16/02/2025 12:33

Providing a bed is one of the most basic things a parent can do.

I wouldn't send my kids there, tbh.

bigboykitty · 16/02/2025 12:31

"Let me know when you've sorted beds for the children and then we'll be able to discuss starting contact again". Then ignore. What a prick. Do not buy the beds and pander to this abusive idiot.

DetectiveSleuth · 16/02/2025 12:31

JimHalpertsWife · 16/02/2025 11:11

Why doesn't the son sleep in with him and dd have the single?

Because it’s a 3 bedroom house, the child deserves a bed and the ex said he’d buy a bed once the OP had paid the final divorce settlement. She’s paid him ‘several thousand pounds’ which is enough to buy a bed.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 16/02/2025 12:30

He can have one child every weekend then.

JMSA · 16/02/2025 12:27

Pathetic. I'm on a FB group where free beds are advertised every other day.

TickingAlongNicely · 16/02/2025 12:17

I was imagining a small flat with no actual space and was going to suggest a blow up mattress as better than current arrangement.

But 3 bed home, just cluttered? He's being a shit dad. He should have sorted this ages ago!

Mischance · 16/02/2025 12:14

Refuse to send them until he sorts it out.

menopausalmare · 16/02/2025 12:09

At 10, my daughter was wearing a bra and soon to be starting her periods. I would not like my partner sleeping with her.

Original poster
TealPoster · 16/02/2025 12:06

Thanks for the responses, I've talked to my daughter again, she said they will often swap who stays in his bed, she said the 3rd bedroom is full of junk and boxes, and in their room his cot bed is still there but covered in boxes, so there's no room for another bed at the moment. So basically he needs to clear out all the junk and old cot bed! I've messaged him again, he's read it but no reply. Sending one at a time is a good idea, at least that way they will have a bed to themselves until he gets his lazy self in gear to sort it out. My daughter said whenever someone has come to visit like his mum he keeps all the bedroom doors shut, so no one else has seen the sleeping situation.

OP posts:
LilacLilias · 16/02/2025 11:59

This would make me wonder what else he isn't bothering with

Mischance · 16/02/2025 11:58

Buy a bed and get it delivered to his place. Not fair I know but the children's well-being comes first.