Dad won't get bed each for children

I wouldn't allow my 10 year old to go under these circumstances. He can say what he likes - by the time it got to court she'd be even older and her opinion would count and I'm sure the court would take a dim view that in that time he's not sorted out the sleeping arrangements

I wouldn't allow my son either TBH. It's ok if they have a choice and want to come In for a cuddle but forcing them to share is not appropriate

Many girls aged 10, in Year 6, have periods at that age.

Can you be more assertive OP?

Yo say you asked him 3 times- well, how long has this been going on? 3 times is hardly anything.

Please don't be one of those mums who didn't listen. There are too many abused children who say their mum didn't want to know or believe them.

He may not be abusing her, but you don't know for sure.
There may be inappropriate touching or comments. The fact she doesn't want to say why she doesn't want to go there is worrying.

How mature is she now? Is she showing signs of puberty?

Disregarding the weird sleeping plan, have you talked to her about periods and what to do if they happen when she's at her dad's? Does she have san pro with her?

A 10 year old girl should not be sharing with her dad. She's heading towards puberty and it would be inappropriate. I'd report him to social service, as I'm pretty sure all children should have their own beds (even second hand would do). I actually would keep them at home until he provides beds.

Your daughter doesn't want to go and no one would blame her in these circumstances, don't make her go.
After your last update I would strongly advice you call SS and ask them for advice, your children are being neglected whilst with their father and it is your job as their mother to advocate for them.

"Daughter has a single bed".

There is absolutely no reason for daughter not to sleep in her own bed! The son has outgrown his cot bed; he SHOULD have his own single bed but COULD sleep either on the sofa bed (that dad claims is uncomfortable for him), or share with his dad.

Really unfair to say your daughter can't make the decision not to go now and she has to wait until she's older. She 100% can advocate for herself and your job is to listen. Let the children decide. They go and get pot luck over the bed. They don't go at all. They go one at a time. Listen to your kids. It's literally your job.

talk to solicitor or lawyer

I'd stop contact & call SS.
Your Dd doesnt like going there. He makes her share his bed. He lies that it is her idea. This isn't a good combination of facts. Also, a 6 year old can't sleep in a cot that's silly.

he replied saying that she had insisted on sleeping in his bed. I showed her the message and she instantly said no that's not true

That’s beyond creepy. That coupled with her saying she doesn’t want to go and not wanting to tell you why.

Major red flags. Please refer to social services asap.

Stick with going one at a time, but if your DD doesn't want to go, don't make her, the court will listen to her. A lot of 10 year olds are starting their periods, this has to stop this year. She needs her own bedroom and it's only his laziness and neglect that is stopping this. Which is why tla court would take notice. If they were living in these conditions a SS referral would be made. A NRP can't live by less standards, because of laziness.

As I said uphread, SS will take your concerns seriously
It's absolutely not to suggest anything untoward is going on, or that occasional co sleeping isn't on
She needs her own bed( complete with clean, and spare bedding)
Do make them aware
They will also check they have enough food in fridge etc available for their stay
So I hope he does shop for them at least.

Your DD is saying she does not want to go to her father's and you now know she sometimes sleeps in his bed - and he says she wants to but she says she does not. Where are your wits? Stop both DC going to ex's house and contact social services. Your DD has told you something you need to act on at once. And she does have the right to say she is not going if she doesn't want to share her dad's bed.

My daughter has been saying for a long time she doesn't like going to his, but won't say why, which has been a concern, I've told her she can't really make the decision at the moment to not go but can when she's older. I don't think there's anything sinister going on, but she doesn't like going to stay there.

You seem a bit naive. You need to think the unthinkable and act.

The fact she doesn't want to go says a lot. It doesn't take much to work out why- she's sleeping in his bed. Nothing may have happened, but at 10 she's changing into a woman. You need to wake up.

There may not be sexual abuse going on but you can't allow that risk to continue. Your poor DD.

Because the son only has a cot bed to sleep in which is too small for him at 7yo so will be no good for the 10yo. The only other beds are Dads double and an uncomfortable sofa bed, from what i understand from the OP.

Cross-posted, have now read your update.

I would not send the children to him at all, I would contact Social Services and he could twist the situation all he wants.

"My daughter has been saying for a long time she doesn't like going to his, but won't say why, which has been a concern, I've told her she can't really make the decision at the moment to not go but can when she's older. I don't think there's anything sinister going on, but she doesn't like going to stay there."
She doesn't want to go - don't make her. Even if he took you to court (he won't, too much effort) a 10 year old would have some input, they would be listened to. You have a concern, and you don't know whether there's anything sinister going on or not. So play on the safe side until you know.

"My son enjoys going because he gets to do non stop gaming."
Non-stop? That's neglect.

"Regarding his mum, I haven't spoken to her for years and she lives the other side of the country so only visits once or twice a year."
I'd still let her know the situation, if you have her contact details. Drag his behaviour into the light.

This is brilliant. Just the right level of condescension!

A ten year old girl sharing a bed with an adult male is not acceptable. You should stop DC sleeping over until you are sure both children have beds in separate rooms and that there is no co-sleeping with your ex. This is elementary safeguarding. And he should pay for furniture in his own house.

When ds outgrew his cot bed, also at 6, he fit fine so we kept him in it til he did, we got him a single bed for £30 on Facebook marketplace. We could have had the mattress too, but didn’t want a second hand mattress and we already had one. I bet he goes out for a few pints in a given week or gets a takeaway. That’s a bed sorted then.

I would either not send them at all or only one at a time (probably depending on what would piss him off more).

Stop sending the children for overnights. If he tries to kick up a legal fuss, he hasn't got a leg to stand on. Unfortunately you might be playing right into his hands - he probably doesnt actually want to have them overnight, but your first responsibility is to your kids and you have to protect them where their dad wont.

Ignore the divorce settlement nonsense. he knows the bed issue irritates you. Get a good bed from freecycle or facebook sites and drop it off so he has no pitiful sob reason to leave his children without bed.

I ended up doing this with my ex. Infuriating, especially as money was tight at th time, but did it for the kids not him.

...and YOU don't get to decide whether there is something sinister going on or not.

The facts speak for themselves. There's a man insisting your ten year old daughter shared his bed. She doesn't want to stay there and he is hiding this behaviour.

Leave the decision and investigation to the social services safeguarding team.

And mum up, FFS.

"My daughter said whenever someone has come to visit like his mum he keeps all the bedroom doors shut, so no one else has seen the sleeping situation."
Which means he knows the sleeping situation is wrong. He wouldn't hide it if he thought this was OK, would he? So drag it into the light!

I would contact his parents and ask them to help their son sort out their grandchildren's rooms. Explain that although he said he would buy a bed for their grandson he hasn't yet, and now the children are having to take it in turns to share with their dad. If they're inclined to leap to his defence, couch it as concern for your ex, he seems to be overwhelmed and would benefit from their help, yadda yadda yadda.

Do not let the sleeping arrangements he is imposing on his children be a secret. Drag it into the light.

And if his parents aren't willing to step up for their grandchildren either, then I would probably involve Social Services. And stop sending the children to him, obviously. Let him try and twist it, he hasn't a leg to stand on.