Dad won't get bed each for children

Or just not let them stay until the dad sorts it? Why should she do his admin?!

If course it is a safeguarding concern if she hates it, doesn't want to go there, and has no option but to sleep in with her dad which she does not like doing.

This is not a jolly camping trip.

I really wouldn't go for the sending them one at a time idea. Your daughter doesn't want to go anyway so I imagine having to go all by herself would be even worse.

I'd listen to your daughter and stop sending them.

I'd be worried that the lack of beds/zero effort made to make room for the kids to sleep was part of a bigger picture of inadequate parenting.

@TealPoster in scotland, 10 year olds are served with the legal documents too regarding visitation and overnights and the sheriff will talk with the child to see what they want. cant be that different in england

I would never, ever have shared a bed with my father at 17. It would have made both of us incredibly uncomfortable. I'm not saying for a moment that there is anything wrong with your dad, but a LOT of people would feel that way as well. As the OP isn't there, I think that it is a safeguarding issue.

@TealPoster what about contacting social services?? i know its not the norm but he isnt providing for them at all is he?? daughter age 10 should not be sharing a bed with dad ever!

Move to emails - so trail is easy to follow / send to Social Services / Court.

State you have a week to give the children a single bed each, which is appropriate to their sex and age. The existing cot bed is not suitable. Their rooms should be clear of boxes, etc which could be a hazard in emergency exit such as fire.

There is no need or want from your children to share a bed with you. This stops immediately. Until you organise the above and fill their basic needs, then they will be unable to stay.

You do not send your daughter (or son) into the situation as stands and if it was me, I would ask about touching, etc - just to rule it out.

If no action is taken by him or your daughter discloses potential / actual abuse you contact Social Services.

Do not buy beds or ask his parents to intervene, he need to show he can put the children first. I would be worried about other basic care he's not doing too. Do not prop him up.

She can make that choice! In family court her voice will be heard. Speak to a solicitor/lawyer asap.

Also, don't engage any further after his latest nonsense. You have a few days to talk to social care and if needs be, you can just send a message when they're due to go, saying they're not able to come. Any threats, call the police. I'm a bit disappointed with all the buy the beds/get his mum to buy them comments. It's not for any woman to solve the issues of a man who is neglecting or abusing his children.

Regarding my daughter saying about choosing to go or not, I actually thought they couldn't chose whether they wanted to until an older age, around age 11/12.

Your DD has told YOU how she feels.

As the adult, you need to do what's right for her.

The 'law' doesn't come into it unless he takes you to court.

And if your ex complains, he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Message his Mum and she'll hopefully embarrass him into sorting it out. Who cares if it causes WW3.

Imagine if your daughter tells her teacher that Dad makes her sleep in his bed, you'll have Social Servies and possibly even the police round in record time.

Mattresses on the floor can get damp underneath - there are low bed frames one can get that allow good air circulation. The kids need proper beds- the ex is being unreasonable.

Age isn't really an issue social services let my 7 year old sen child state a preference for not going to visit his dad but they could see he never prioritised the children anyway and that he got the worst of it his older brother confirmed it

No way is it appropriate for a 10 yr old girl to share a bed with her dad!

A mattress on the floor is fine, many people sleep on a mattress on the floor by choice.

@TealPoster if your daughter is expressing a clear preference to not stay at her dads I’d go along with that for now. She’s clearly uncomfortable and he isn’t doing anything to provide a private space for her to sleep. Age 12 is the point where services and court must evidence they’ve listened to the child but in reality few professionals would disregard the clearly stated views of a child about contact with parents. She is old enough to know her own mind on this.

There may be nothing untoward going on but not having private space or a bed to sleep in isn’t ok especially for a girl approaching puberty.

It’s a good move to speak to social work. Frame it in terms of your concerns about their living environment and sleeping arrangements and the fact that he’s hiding their arrangements from family members and misrepresenting your DD in saying she insists on co-sleeping with her dad. They should do a home visit and inspect the whole house.

I would put the childrens welfare first and not send them to such a grim living arrangement until such time as they had suitable sleeping arrangements. If that never happens, then so be it. A separate bed each, in a reasonably tidy room/flat. No bed sharing with anyone. Focus on them in all discussions, not him.

At 10 years old she can definitely make a sensible decision not to go if she doesn’t want to.

I was 10 when I decided I didn’t want to see my dad regularly. I still saw him but just didn’t stay over.

If she's 10 now if he took it to court id just drag it out until she turned 11

My ex had my incredibly tall now 6 year old in a cot (not even a cot bed). I didn’t know until he kept coming home complaining he couldn’t stretch out in his sleep so his legs hurt.
told the ex until he sorted it, the kids wouldn’t be going. He said he couldn’t afford it etc.

surprisingly 2 weeks later, brand new beds for all the children appeared.

please don’t send them until he can provide suitable sleeping arrangements. It’s basic care.

OP I’ve seen your latest update about getting Social Services involved. From reading all your updates I really think now is the time. Your daughter saying that she doesn’t like going to stay with him but won’t say why should be a red flag, no matter what her age. He’s had long enough to sort this out and he’s had his payout. At best he’s lazy, at worst he’s neglecting them - as evidenced by your son being left to game as much as he wants. Maybe a visit from child services will wake him up and make him realise you’re serious.

A mattress on the floor is unsuitable due to lack of airflow. Potential for damp and mould
Ok for a sleepover but not long term

It’s pathetic. My son’s dad did something similar and I basically laid down the law. Why would you not want your children to be comfortable?!

Even a mattress on the floor is better than a terrible bed or sharing, I’d probably just buy it but it’s not your responsibility and it could be construed as a safeguarding issue if you’d prefer to take it further.

Why? If you don't know then check. Your daughter is being very strong in telling you how she feels, listen to her. Your ex is the only one wrong in this scenario.

Why should he ? The deal was that when he got the divorce settlement he would sort out the sleeping arrangements properly. He hasn’t and OP says the rooms are still full of junk. Why are you making excuses for a lazy arse dad ?