Dad won't get bed each for children

Any adult male sleeping with a girl absolutely is a safeguarding issue.

It might be ok if the daughter has the option of her own room with her own bed and it's a free choice that she shares with dad. But for a ten year old Dad should be discouraging this unless it's a very occasional thing, nightmares etc.

It is a huge safeguarding issue for there to be no other option for a ten year old.

I would keep them at home until it's sorted. They need as a minimum their own beds and ideally the ten year old should have her own room as well.

It's not occasionally, it is every week.

And it says a lot about what goes on in YOUR mind that you can't see that it is a safeguarding issue.

It doesn't mean dad is abusing her, it means that at the least he is not providing the basics for her.

And then there are things that can happen like the DD starting her periods in the night, no one enjoys starting but can you imagine if your first one happens in bed with her dad.

I don't know when DC can choose, but a child saying repeatedly they do not want to see othe parent but refusing to give a reason is a red flag. Very happy you are contacting social services, OP.

I'm glad you've called them
I was the right thing to do
Ex is oblivious to your DCs needs
Should he go to court for access, he won't have a leg to stand on.
If DC don't want to stay over I'd go with that.

Your actions have been proportionate, @TealPoster . His behaviour has escalated and now it's appropriate to involve professionals. If he went to court for a contact order, your DD's wishes would be taken into account, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't get a contact order. All the more reason to document your concerns and involve professionals

And court sounds like the perfect place. Without physically forcing her, if she refuses then of course you cannot make her go if she does not want to. Can you imagine what court would say to his pathetic arrangements? Of course they would say that the children and he all require separate beds.

He sounds like a lazy child.
I'm glad you're getting this sorted.

Unbelievable that it’s taken so long for you to consider actually acting about this. It’s been years? If there are no beds for them then they can not go- I would have thought that would be obvious to any parent. Likewise, a 10 yr old girl saying she doesn’t want to go because she has to share with the dad? And you are making her go anyway? Come on.

Given your update (that she doesn't want to go and that he has lied about her asking to sleep in his bed), do not send them separately. Do not make her go in her own!! I wouldn't send them at all until the issue is sorted.

Glad you're talking to social services, OP. There is NO excuse for this. What kind of parent won't even provide a bed?? That's terrible about your son saying he couldn't lie flat in that small cot.

Also there's no excuse for providing a second-hand bed. Single beds aren't that expensive and he got 3k from you. It should be a new bed and a new mattress. You don't want a frame with woodworm.

Just when you thought you'd heard it all...a parent who won't even provide beds for their kids despite being able to afford them. It just beggars belief.

Among other issues, if he doesn't even think proper beds are necessary, will he do stuff like changing the bedlinen regularly?

Not that you should have to do this, but could you get in touch with his parents? Tell them to sort him out. If they've spoiled him, and are still in touch with him, some of this is on them.

I'm really sorry to hear of your cancer diagnosis. You really don't need this shit to sort out too.
I hope your call goes well, and they investigate your concerns.
I would stick to emailing idiot ex purely about the DC and nothing else
Let SS deal with him

I’m so sorry you’re going through this @TealPoster - I can’t really reply with anything helpful today as am just so bloody irritated with men in general behaving like shits.
He’s got two kids - one could be dealing with periods soon - get some fucking beds - on credit if necessary - look after your kids. What an asshole.

It's neglectful bordering on inappropriate when it's a 10 year old girl sharing with her father.

I’m very sorry that you’re going through such a stressful time and hope that your cancer is quickly treated.

You’re so right to not run around after him- please don’t change your mind about that. What you say about ex behaving like a spoilt child and being quick to anger when his inadequacies are mentioned remind me very much of my ex. Doing the absolute bare minimum (and not even doing that very well) as a parent with an expectation that everyone else sort everything out for him. Why the hell should they?

I think you need to create a boundary here and make it as crystal clear as possible.

'It's a basic requirement that when the children come over to yours they have an appropriate bed, clean bedding and a place of privacy to dress, clean etc. this is a non negotiable. I have asked on numerous occasions for this to happen and it hasn't. It's effecting the children's well being. So as a consequence they will not be coming over to yours again and staying the night without this. Let me know with photographic evidence when you have sourced them appropriate beds and over nights can resume. Just so you know sharing your bed, a sofa, a sofa bed or cot bed are not appropriate sleeping arrangements.'

Any threats of court I would reply that money spent on court is much better served getting new beds. And that again it's a basic human right and a non negotiable. No social worker, school or court would say you are preventing contact, quite the reverse.

So considering he has the space, both children could have their own space. Especially with your DD now approaching (if not having started already) puberty. I would be approaching him with this in mind.
If he isn't willing to at least buy a second bed, I would be saying he can only have one child at a time.

I agree, the not providing adequate sleeping arrangements, the son being allowed non-stop gaming, bedrooms filled with boxes (of what?) to the extent that they cannot be used as bedrooms - yes, a pattern of neglect.

If the OP were to provide a bed (she shouldn't), all that does is MASK the underlying issue - the neglect. It is the neglect that needs to be addressed (and anything else that may come to light).

I'm sorry about your cancer diagnosis OP, that's awful and you really don't need this BS on top of this. I think talking to SS is a good idea and maybe move to only talking to him via email. You don't need to be dealing with nasty text messages.

There’s an awful lot of comments suggesting the OP provide a bed/pay for a bed/have a bed to delivered to the ex’s house. That solves this issue- which isn’t on the OP to solve as her children presumably have somewhere safe and clean to sleep at her home. It doesn’t solve the ongoing issue which is that for whatever reason this father doesn’t prioritise his children’s needs. He has the opportunity to get proper beds for each of his children previously and presumably spent the money on other things. That to me is part of a pattern of deliberate neglect.