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Original poster

Dad won't get bed each for children

182 replies

TealPoster · 16/02/2025 11:03

Been divorced from my children's dad 5 years, he has them one night a week plus every other weekend. Until a few months ago our son (nearly 7) he had sleeping in a cot bed. My son said he couldn't lie flat as it was so small. Daughter has a single bed. Said he was waiting for me to pay him final divorce settlement to get him a bed. Gave him the several thousand in the autumn, still no bed. He (dad) has a sofa bed he'll sometimes sleep on and kids take it in turn in his bed. Now apparently the sofa bed isn't comfortable, so daughter (almost 10) has to sleep in a bed with him (dad). AIBU to tell him to sort out a bed each for them! I've asked/told him 3 times to get our son his own bed. It's a 3 bedroom house. I want to tell him they can't stay there until he has a bed each sorted but know he'll try and twist it into some kind of story that I'm blocking contact or something. My belief is children should have access to their own clean and comfortable bed!

OP posts:
Farmwifefarmlife · 17/02/2025 21:36

TealPoster · 16/02/2025 12:06

Thanks for the responses, I've talked to my daughter again, she said they will often swap who stays in his bed, she said the 3rd bedroom is full of junk and boxes, and in their room his cot bed is still there but covered in boxes, so there's no room for another bed at the moment. So basically he needs to clear out all the junk and old cot bed! I've messaged him again, he's read it but no reply. Sending one at a time is a good idea, at least that way they will have a bed to themselves until he gets his lazy self in gear to sort it out. My daughter said whenever someone has come to visit like his mum he keeps all the bedroom doors shut, so no one else has seen the sleeping situation.

Even if he only had one spare room he could get bunk beds! Definitely sounds like lazy parenting!!

GreatFish · 17/02/2025 21:21

Yes it does sound suspicious.

biscuitsandbooks · 17/02/2025 20:10

Bugbabe1970 · 17/02/2025 20:04

Yes as my previous post stated - there lies the difference - And they absolutely both should have their own beds!
I just don’t like the general inference that it is somehow weird for girls to sleep in bed with their dads - because for the most part it’s a completely normal part of family life!

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I'm not sure it is normal for pubescent and pre-pubescent girls to be sharing beds with their dads on a regular basis at all Confused

TomatoSandwiches · 17/02/2025 20:04

steff13 · 17/02/2025 20:04

If she still owes him from the divorce settlement, maybe she could deduct the cost of the bed from what she owes.

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She's already given him 3K in September.

Bugbabe1970 · 17/02/2025 20:04

biscuitsandbooks · 17/02/2025 19:57

Because this DD doesn't want to share a bed with her dad...

Can you really not see the difference?

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Yes as my previous post stated - there lies the difference - And they absolutely both should have their own beds!
I just don’t like the general inference that it is somehow weird for girls to sleep in bed with their dads - because for the most part it’s a completely normal part of family life!

steff13 · 17/02/2025 20:04

Mischance · 16/02/2025 11:58

Buy a bed and get it delivered to his place. Not fair I know but the children's well-being comes first.

If she still owes him from the divorce settlement, maybe she could deduct the cost of the bed from what she owes.

DorothyStorm · 17/02/2025 20:00

TealPoster · 17/02/2025 09:30

Just a little update, I've now logged it with child services and waiting to hear back from them with their advice.

Good job

biscuitsandbooks · 17/02/2025 19:57

Bugbabe1970 · 17/02/2025 19:52

I used to work shifts - my DD often slept in the same bed as her dad quite oftenI honestly don't understand this reasoning!

Edited
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Because this DD doesn't want to share a bed with her dad...

Can you really not see the difference?

Bugbabe1970 · 17/02/2025 19:56

If the child doesn’t want to then that’s where the difference lies!

Bugbabe1970 · 17/02/2025 19:52

BlueFlowers5 · 17/02/2025 17:57

A 10 year old girl sharing a bed with an adult man? Asking for trouble and maybe his DM your MiL can help with that.

No way it should be happening.

I used to work shifts - my DD often slept in the same bed as her dad quite oftenI honestly don't understand this reasoning!

biscuitsandbooks · 17/02/2025 19:51

Bugbabe1970 · 17/02/2025 19:48

He’s her father!

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Most 10 year old girls don't want to share a bed with their father either! It's not remotely appropriate.

Bugbabe1970 · 17/02/2025 19:48

menopausalmare · 16/02/2025 12:09

At 10, my daughter was wearing a bra and soon to be starting her periods. I would not like my partner sleeping with her.

He’s her father!

cestlavielife · 17/02/2025 19:36

If no court order for overnight just stop overnights. And keep the record of why.
Good to log it

Wombatboymom · 17/02/2025 19:32

OP, your child had told you that she doesn’t want to stay over, and you haven’t stopped the overnights. You’re teaching her that you’re not a safe person for her to go to with her concerns. You need to be more concerned for your kids’ welfare than with what the rules are.

You need to show your daughter that you are her safe person and you will keep her safe. I’m sorry you’re going through a difficult time at the minute but you need to do better. Well done for contacting social services and I hope they can give you the support you need.

Their dad sounds like a waste of space at best so well done for getting rid.

carly2803 · 17/02/2025 19:18

bigboykitty · 16/02/2025 12:31

"Let me know when you've sorted beds for the children and then we'll be able to discuss starting contact again". Then ignore. What a prick. Do not buy the beds and pander to this abusive idiot.

this - it isnt acceptable to have no beds for the kids!!!

BigAnne · 17/02/2025 19:11

YouLookNiceJackie · 17/02/2025 18:49

I feel your frustration. My son only recently got a bed at his dad's after 8 years of sleeping on the floor/sofa etc and he only got that because they bought his girlfriend's son a new bed so my son got his old one. Same with clothes/gaming stuff etc. He's not allowed in the living room after 6.30pm because his dad and the girlfriend says it's adult time. He only goes every other week as it is so it's not like he's there all the time. My son's 12 now and hinting at only going every three weeks. IME the more you ask for things for your children the more they dig their heels in and the child suffers more. It's so shit

Why did you allow that for so long?

YouLookNiceJackie · 17/02/2025 18:49

I feel your frustration. My son only recently got a bed at his dad's after 8 years of sleeping on the floor/sofa etc and he only got that because they bought his girlfriend's son a new bed so my son got his old one. Same with clothes/gaming stuff etc. He's not allowed in the living room after 6.30pm because his dad and the girlfriend says it's adult time. He only goes every other week as it is so it's not like he's there all the time. My son's 12 now and hinting at only going every three weeks. IME the more you ask for things for your children the more they dig their heels in and the child suffers more. It's so shit

ShodAndShadySenators · 17/02/2025 18:37

so he replied saying that she had insisted on sleeping in his bed. I showed her the message and she instantly said no that's not true.

This is so, so disturbing and I'm so glad you're taking action on that. There is no need whatsoever for your DD to be sharing a bed with her dad, he only needs to clear the stuff from on her bed (and obtain another for his son), that's not a huge difficulty for anyone. He is misrepresenting the situation and that dishonesty may be in order to wind up OP or if not, it's suspicious and concerning.

If these were my kids, I'd want to stop the overnight visits because of the lack of basic care plus the worrying deception of the ex.

Lollipop81 · 17/02/2025 18:09

TomatoSandwiches · 16/02/2025 12:48

I would message his mother then and say you are going to have to stop overnight visits because of the bed situation and explain the DD has mentioned how cluttered the rooms are and that he may need family help to sort it out so he can sort the children's rooms and beds out to start overnights again.

Good advice, he is clearly embarrassed about it if he is keeping doors closed so may well need be struggling and need help.

BlueFlowers5 · 17/02/2025 17:57

A 10 year old girl sharing a bed with an adult man? Asking for trouble and maybe his DM your MiL can help with that.

No way it should be happening.

PizzaPowder · 17/02/2025 11:18

This is infuriating. My step son has recently started staying at his mums house and he doesn't have a bed there. It's driving me nuts!

anothermnuser123 · 17/02/2025 11:17

If the sofa bed is now uncomfortable for the Dad, why would he not swap and have the Daughter sleep on that?

I would be concerned that he has told her she has to sleep in with him, then told you she wanted to, added with her not wanting to go. Please listen to her, she isn't comfortable going and her age shouldn't matter, she needs to know someone is listening to her.

Im glad you have logged it with SS, I hope they hear the full issue, not only the lack of beds but the engineering sleeping in a bed, lying to say the DD asked and your DD not wanting to go. Because I think all 3 of these things together would raise flags for most people.

Even if nothing untoward is happening, your Daughter isn't comfortable and is asking for your help by saying she doesn't want to go.

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 17/02/2025 11:09

I hope you can get the bed/ neglect situation sorted quickly, with SS help if necessary. That hold take a weight off your mind. Best of luck with your cancer treatment.

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 17/02/2025 10:57

I’m surprised by those (few) people saying it’s fine for a 10-year-old girl to have to share a bed with her father! Absolutely not. No more overnights till he has moved his arse enough to clear a bedroom for her.

Edited to add:
I wrote before I saw the update that DD doesn’t want to visit her father. That’s not just a red flag, it’s a screaming loud siren sounding the alarm!

Househunter2025 · 17/02/2025 10:46

Hoglet70 · 16/02/2025 13:29

Why can't a 10 year old girl share a bed with her Dad occasionally? I bunked in with my Dad on occasions (I think the last time I did it I was about 17 and we had visitors) and the only harm that ever came to me was the sore ears from his incessant snoring. I totally agree that kids should have their own space but sleeping with Dad on occasions is NOT a safeguarding issue and it says a lot about what goes on in people's heads.

Wake up. Many many children are abused by their fathers. Failing to provide privacy for sleeping and washing is often just the start of eroding their boundaries. In this case there's no good reason why he hasn't provided a bed for each child. He's making a ten year old who is reluctant sleep in his bed. As a minimum it's neglect. It could be much worse.