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Original poster

How do people manage with multiple children?

81 replies

Hungrychocolate · 16/02/2025 10:10

I feel I am very stressed over this weekend. I have a 4 months old baby and a 3 year old DS. The toddler goes to preschool 5 days a week using the funded 30 hours and I am on maternity leave.

H works from home all the days and I am doing looking after for DC after preschool and holidays. His preschool is term time only. I feel constantly stressed over the weekends when everyone is home. Toddler doesn't seems to listen to what we ask of him, things like wear your trousers, wear your socks, eat your food. It's hit and miss. H starts yelling as he gets annoyed why DS is not listening. Then DS starts to cry and it's a constant loop I am stuck in. Toddler has also been going through some viral infections and baby has got cold as well, not sleeping well recently. I am tired and exhausted of this constant loop of toddler not listening and following, H yelling and toddler crying. It's a nightmare.
On top of this there are so many household chores which H does picks things like laundry and loading dishwasher etc. Baby is breastfed so she's mostly with me, there's no me-time for now until I go back to work. I dread to think about how will I cope with all this when I go back to work. Is there anything anyone can suggest which I can do to improve our lives.

OP posts:
MumChp · 16/02/2025 10:46

Hungrychocolate · 16/02/2025 10:30

The crap weather with constant rain makes it hard to take DC out
Need to look for other ways to entertain him.

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Wellies and rain gear. A hat and a woolen sweater.
No bad weather excuses. Only wrong clothes.
We really enjoyed aannual passes to local zoo with great playgrounds and activities.
Otherwise check out indoor playgrounds, libraries etc.
The weather are really just bad excuses for doing nothing.

Original poster
Hungrychocolate · 16/02/2025 10:43

I really want to enjoy their childhood and I have lower expectations at this point in life but H's reactions makes it so stressful. That's the main thing causing stress. He is not ready to accept or learn anything about parenting. He wants to parent the same shitty way his mum does whose a nightmare.

OP posts:
DubLass · 16/02/2025 10:40

I'm with NewYou42 !
I did not enjoy the younger years at all . I had five of them . No family help ever .
It was relentless . I could also never understand when people reminded me to 'enjoy them' !! I was merely surviving.
OP it's really tough as the ages yours are at .
I've no advice other than that parenting teens is bliss !!!

Didimum · 16/02/2025 10:39

Hungrychocolate · 16/02/2025 10:31

When we try to take him by the hand, he starts resisting and running away and crying.

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That’s three year olds for you. They are learning their own autonomy. Try making the request a game and give them options (do you want to hop upstairs like a bunny or slither like a snake), tell him you’re a robot dresser and malfunction and put trousers on his arms by mistake. The laughter will help him comply.

No one feels in the mood to go through a rigmarole when they are busy and just have to get things done, but the alternative of everyone shouting and crying is no better and expectations have to be lowered.

Shushquite · 16/02/2025 10:37

Rain doesn't stop child needing excise and burn energy. Buy a good rain coat and wellies. Let the child run around and give permission for the child to jump in one puddle of your choosing on the way home. I normally pick the puddle on our way out to the park. Dc got excited and behaved better, as there was good big exciting puddle waiting for him on his way home. Dc were also allowed to jump on smaller puddles but they needed to check with me.

There will be more washing up required, but it will cause the child to get physically tired and more likely to nap without issue. In my house that was a huge win.

DelphiniumBlue · 16/02/2025 10:36

I think DH working at home must make things very difficult, he wants them to be quiet, but quiet is not what you get with babies and young children in the house. Could he work in the office?

Original poster
Hungrychocolate · 16/02/2025 10:32

We spoke to preschool and they say he behaves perfectly well and he is very chatty so we know he understands our instructions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hungrychocolate · 16/02/2025 10:31

Didimum · 16/02/2025 10:29

Don’t keep repeating things with toddlers. You ask once, if they ignore you or say ‘no’, take them by the hand to do whatever it is. Your fighting a loosing game by repeatedly asking and the only outcome is your own frustration.

Edited

When we try to take him by the hand, he starts resisting and running away and crying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hungrychocolate · 16/02/2025 10:30

MumChp · 16/02/2025 10:26

Why don't toddler and dad go to the park and play? Often it's easier to parent on a Sunday outside playing.

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The crap weather with constant rain makes it hard to take DC out
Need to look for other ways to entertain him.

OP posts:
Didimum · 16/02/2025 10:29

Don’t keep repeating things with toddlers. You ask once, if they ignore you or say ‘no’, take them by the hand to do whatever it is. Your fighting a loosing game by repeatedly asking and the only outcome is your own frustration.

Original poster
Hungrychocolate · 16/02/2025 10:29

tappitytaptap · 16/02/2025 10:27

Not the point of the thread but when you go back to work you need a solution for the school holidays if his pre school is term time only.

Yes, I will be taking annual leaves and one of the grandparents have agreed to come and stay with us for some weeks during summer holidays.

OP posts:
tappitytaptap · 16/02/2025 10:27

Not the point of the thread but when you go back to work you need a solution for the school holidays if his pre school is term time only.

Original poster
Hungrychocolate · 16/02/2025 10:27

Lammveg · 16/02/2025 10:24

I wonder if its not so much the kids (although it's relentless) but it feels like you're stressed out more by DH'S reactions?

I agree with PP re picking battles. Don't want to wear trousers? Ok. Don't want to eat just yet? Ok.

Edit: just seen your replies. It's really hard to have the other parent not on your team, difficult dynamic to break out of.

Edited

Yes, it's his reaction makes me quite pissed off and then the constant arguments with H due to kids behaviour. I feel I don't want to keep doing this all day every day. Just want to run away from all this.

OP posts:
MumChp · 16/02/2025 10:26

Hungrychocolate · 16/02/2025 10:23

Mainly all this tiredness, H yelling on DS and me arguing back with H explaining he expects too much of the toddler and then him blaming me for toddler not listening because he thinks I defend him encouraging his behaviour. It's a nightmare.

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Why don't toddler and dad go to the park and play? Often it's easier to parent on a Sunday outside playing.

LilacLilias · 16/02/2025 10:26

Hungrychocolate · 16/02/2025 10:21

Thanks for some very helpful advice above, I really feel like this all is taking a toll on this marriage and I feel like parenting alone might be easier at this point.

I understand what you mean. I think you are sensible to recognise that something does need to change on DH end in other to make the family a happy and calm one.

There are loads of resources out there to help parents, if his reactions are linked to the way he was raised he may find the book 'the book you wish your parents read and your children will be glad you did' helpful. A lot of that book is about parenting in line with your values and not carrying on old patterns.

What makes the difference here is if DH sees a problem and actively works to change the way he parents. But if that doesn't happen and you continue to feel that his anger is making family life unhappy you'd be perfectly sensible to go it alone.

MumChp · 16/02/2025 10:25

We worked full time with children of that age. Structure and planning is the key.
Cooperation between parents and no shouting.
Lots of families have to make it work.

Original poster
Hungrychocolate · 16/02/2025 10:25

I wish this gets easier someday soon as I am mentally and physically exhausted and we don't have any family around to help unfortunately.

OP posts:
Lammveg · 16/02/2025 10:24

I wonder if its not so much the kids (although it's relentless) but it feels like you're stressed out more by DH'S reactions?

I agree with PP re picking battles. Don't want to wear trousers? Ok. Don't want to eat just yet? Ok.

Edit: just seen your replies. It's really hard to have the other parent not on your team, difficult dynamic to break out of.

Original poster
Hungrychocolate · 16/02/2025 10:23

Fencehedge · 16/02/2025 10:22

That seems like quite a jump... What else has been going on?

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Mainly all this tiredness, H yelling on DS and me arguing back with H explaining he expects too much of the toddler and then him blaming me for toddler not listening because he thinks I defend him encouraging his behaviour. It's a nightmare.

OP posts:
Fencehedge · 16/02/2025 10:22

Hungrychocolate · 16/02/2025 10:21

Thanks for some very helpful advice above, I really feel like this all is taking a toll on this marriage and I feel like parenting alone might be easier at this point.

That seems like quite a jump... What else has been going on?

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 16/02/2025 10:22

If you’re home does it matter if your 3 year old isn’t wearing trousers or socks? This just seems like a battle not worth fighting tbh.

having little kids can be relentless. But picking your battles does help. Things will get easier as the baby gets older.

Original poster
Hungrychocolate · 16/02/2025 10:21

Thanks for some very helpful advice above, I really feel like this all is taking a toll on this marriage and I feel like parenting alone might be easier at this point.

OP posts:
LilacLilias · 16/02/2025 10:18

If he is genuinely trying then maybe he needs to turn more things into a game. My 3 year old was a nightmare for tooth brushing, we got it done but it was so stressful every single day! Now it's a lot better as I've found what works - either letting her hold a toy while brushing, or playing a game where I pretend I don't think she has any teeth and she needs to come very close for me to see them and try and find them with toothbrush.

It sounds silly but play and making it fun will work so much better than yelling

Original poster
Hungrychocolate · 16/02/2025 10:18

LilacLilias · 16/02/2025 10:16

It is hard especially in the early part when your baby is so small. That's exhausting even if you have 1.

To me what stands out here is your DH yelling at DS. At 3 he can't be expected to follow instructions perfectly and do as he says all the time. He's a little boy who wants to play and learn, not a robot.

I think your DH really needs to do some reading around how to parent a child of this age or potentially get some help with his anger.

Everyone gets frustrated but the way you describe this makes me feel like he is taking out his anger on DS too much. His anger isn't DS problem - he needs to manage his own emotions and teach DS to do the same.

I agree, I said the same to him. His mother is same as this, she yells at them and never happy, I saw those same things in him since kids are born and that makes the whole experience so stressful and miserable.

OP posts:
Tootiredforthis23 · 16/02/2025 10:17

When you have a baby and a toddler there is some amount of having to pick your battles and lower your standards a bit. Are you telling him to wear socks and trousers in the house? Or to go out of the house? If it’s just in the house then I’d let that go, one of my DC takes their trousers off as soon as she gets home (she’s 5), she just doesn’t like trousers. And none are currently wearing socks, they all discard them as soon as I put them on so I gave up.

Rather than demanding he follows instructions try and make it into a game. With my middle, and more spirited DC, if I need her to do something I make it into a race ‘I bet you can’t do x before I count to 10’ and that usually gets her listening.