Finances/do we have another child?

People write private school fees but they are so variable, the private school near us is 11k PA, a friend works there. DH old school which I have just had a quick look at charges 31k PA.

So really all you need to do is take out the emotion and do the hard figures, you will also not know if the investment has been worth it till you look at end product. That could be what University they end up going to, if they even go and for some and more importantly what career they end up with. I used to work with end product as they used to bowl up to the University I worked at all shiny faced and eager with their clutch of A grades at A level. The hardest workers were almost always the ones who had not had life handed to them. My friends kids and my DS are all mostly early to late twenties now and a mix of schooling. The most successful ones academically if I’m honest have the most intelligent parents and where they attended school is irrelevant.

When it comes to careers and it is early days there is one head and shoulders above everyone and I mean most humans, my friends DS. State educated, absolutely gifted and already on 90k PA at 28. But he has always had fantastic people skills and is the most personable person ever. Even at around 5 you could see he was going to be exceptional. I had confidence DS and DD would do well anywhere. Tragically DD died so never reached her full potential. She was a lovely girl but on the quieter side. DS was always a mover and shaker, the protagonist and very popular you could see he would find life easier than her.

Academic potential can be encouraged and developed but honestly look more to how children interact with others. I have met many people who are academically gifted but it didn’t mean their lives would be a success overall.

How big is your current house and what would downsizing be? It sounds like you can definitely afford another child, private schools etc aren't everything. Also I think a 4 to 5 age gap is perfect, they are less likely to compete with each other.

What is he doing with his money? He’s covering half the bills and mortgage, paying nothing towards childcare, and he has nothing left? How much is your mortgage?

I know this thread has been quiet a while but I’ve come in search of people with the the same questions I have and found this. I have one DD and private school is a big goal for me as I got to experience it and think it was fantastic opportunity (plus local high schools not amazing) but I do also feel sad sometimes that I won’t have another baby or bigger family. OP I wondered if you’d made any decisions? It feels a shame I’m making these decisions based on finances.

It's insane to consider asking your DH to get a second/better paying job when he's already on presumably 50k+ (very conservative estimate based on what you've said), which is a good wage and comes with a professional job.

I wouldn't downsize your house either as you will want as much space as possible when you have a second child.

It's not sustainable for your DH to be barely breaking even though, do you have enough left to put some more into the pot so he doesn't get left that way?

I understand you've worked out it's the same proportionally, but I assume you're left with quite a bit more than him each month?

So, I'm not going to comment much on your original post. Only on part of it.

I went to private school, husband to state.

At the moment, average day school fees are around £17500 annually.

If between the age of 4-18, you put that money in e.g. an ISA or junior ISA, you would (at a guess) have £343000 in today's money age 18 (assuming real terms growth of 5%). If you left that untouched for 10 years, your child might have £558,000 mortgage deposit in today's money age 28. They then wouldn't be paying interest on that money through the whole of their mortgage i.e. they would save £371000 in interest costs over 25 years at 4.5%.

I'd rather put the money I would have spent on private school in an ISA as I don't think the total additional earnings private schooling would support would exceed the figures above. It also gives flexibility where you can vary amounts invested e.g during redundancy/sickness rather than needing to withdraw a child from school. Financially, sending a child to a good state school and investing for them can make more sense for their future wealth.

Does he want to retrain? You'd probably also have to accept another drop in income while he did retrain and then get more of an entry level role.....

I think the crux of this is you have to agree what your priorities are within the means that you have. Things have changed over the last 20 plus years so giving your DCs the 'same opportunities' as you might not be the direct comparison of going private. It could be lots of extra curricular activities, tutors, travel, living somewhere with good state options.

We are in a similar position financially and locationally and tbh it's not even on our radar to go private. DC2 starts school this September and looking forward to have a bit more income to spend how we please (or save for the DCs future)

Yanbu op. DH and I earn around £165k and have one child. Private schooling is important to us and on par with nursery fees that we currently pay. As it stands with our critical outgoings, we cannot afford another child. Of course we could downsize, move to a cheaper area, pay less pension contributions, not go to private schooling etc but these things are all important to us and we believe, important for the long term security of our family. I grew up with siblings so my child’s life will be very different from mine but I can’t offer the life I want to give my child to two children. Overall I am happy with one child but I sometimes watch him play and think he would make an excellent elder sibling and feel a bit sad he will never fulfil that role.

You can't just consider financial aspects in life - what about your (both of you) well-being? Your DH has only recently lost a job and taken on a lower paying one - presumably that's the best he can do for now. He also seems to be more relaxed about things than you so may well not take kindly to pressure to earn more. You should "cut your cloth according to your means" or whatever the saying is.

Your children don't need to go to private school. You don't need to rush into having another baby - you probably have a few years of fertility left. You sound like you are desperate to make everything work out as planned as soon as possible, but it doesn't always happen that way.

Plus your husband is right in my view - your house is your insurance policy. If push comes to shove, you could buy something cheaper, not necessarily smaller, but in a cheaper area.

But surely not everyone’s husband can afford to supplement the missing maternity leave pay? No one I knows earns enough for one spouse to cover half or more of the other’s wages. I get the point about it being seen as coming from op’s savings but presumably they are technically just joint savings (because they are married) that are supplementing the missing wages?

You can afford a second child, you can’t afford to privately educate two children though so I suppose it comes down to what’s more important to you both, having a second or private school?

You could compromise slightly and try for a second and forget private education until secondary years in the hope that by then you’ll be in a better position to afford it (higher paying job, promotion, you going full time etc)

I wouldn’t push DH to find a side hustle if he already works full time. He would end up never having time to spend with any of you, be exhausted. You’d get frustrated at the lack of help with the children etc.

And if you save now you can probably afford private secondary for 2 dc if you really want it.

In your OP you ask if you'd be unreasonable to ask him to retrain and get a higher paying job. It sounds like he's still earning a decent salary (although less than you), so unless he wants to retrain I think that would be unreasonable.

It's not unreasonable at all though to look at your finances and think carefully about the future. It sounds like private primary school for two DC may be out of your reach, but maybe things will be looking better by the time they reach secondary school age. I agree with you that downsizing just when you're planning a second DC and need more space seems like an odd decision, especially if you'd then be planning to upsize again a few years later - such a waste of stamp duty etc.

Try not to feel resentful about what you can and can't afford compared to your parents. That's the reality for everyone now (mainly due to increases in house prices).

I understand you are viewing this through a different lense to me. But it's also through a different lense than the vast majority of the population, for whom the concept of private school isn't even on the radar (and they can still have successful and happily lives). I think basing a decison on having another child you really want on whether or not you can send them to private school would seem bonkers to most people! I don't mean that unkindly...just factually!

You need to sit down and go through all of your total family outgoings together...both current and potential, including a mat leave period. This is what your lifestyle is costing. Then look at what you as a family can actually afford in the context of what's a realistic contribution from both of you. Your current way of doing it isn't working.

Unless he is really lazy or making multiple personal purchases with money he doesnt have, I think you need to let go of your resentment towards him if it's a difficult job market. I know it's easier said than done.

ETA I've just seen he's actually a good earner by most people's standards. I totally get that people on here can he naive about the cost of living in a big city, taking into account nursery costs, but to think that people on your salaries cannot afford two kids is madness given that you are in such a high earning proportion of the population.

Similar incomes and yes, you can have a second baby. We're now 10 years further ahead than you and it's absolutely doable. I'm in law, husband also professional services.

Fact is with two small kids, holidays where you throw everything in the car and go to Cornwall for a week in June are easier and more sensible / enjoyable than a week at an all inclusive where the babies crawl on 40 degree heat concrete. So are cheaper. So you are still getting a break together as a family.

I did 4 days until the eldest was at school and youngest was 3 and getting discount hours. Any pay over £100k was put in pensions to avoid the £100-125k tax losses. I'm now back FT and flex my hours so I've leaned back in but am still at the school gate a few times a week.

We looked at private but ended up deciding on state. If you are in London, you'll probably end up in private because state is so competitive and insane for the right school. If you are in the 'burbs then state is perfectly adequate and secondary for senior when you are back at work full time. That said, we've moved "out" and the privates here aren't as academic as some of the higher performing states.

I don't think anyone can ever answer this question for you because you have to decide whether you want a second child more than you want your existing lifestyle. You will have to compromise. I think there is a long list of things to be looked at before moving house or changing jobs. Schooling is definitely one.

I also don't understand how you can't afford a holiday.
I'm the first to agree 100k isn't what it was but it's nonsense that 150k plus isn't enough for 1 holiday or another dc.

If you’re earning 80k working 4 days & dh is earning 50/60 (based on what you’ve already said) you can definitely afford a second child. What you probably can’t do is privately educate them. So you have to decide if 2dc in state or 1 dc privately educated is the priority.

When our child was in nursery we couldn't afford a holiday either - that's fairly normal, it was more than our mortgage so there wasn't much left. And everyone I know who used paid childcare waited until their first child was within sight of three year old funding before TTC the second.

If you're earning more you should be paying more proportionally. It's not fair that your husband is running through his savings while you're still fine.

Private school isn't necessary. It's nice your parents were able to afford it, but you are not them and life is different now. I sometimes get a bit fed up that my parents could afford a very nice house in an expensive city on one professional salary, while we have the best part of two decent salaries and can only afford a small house somewhere much less exciting. But that's life - everything costs more and salaries haven't risen as they should have. A secure, flexible job is better than a high salary at this stage in your life.

It’s honestly nuts to assume in 3 years time you could afford private school when your DH earns 70k and “breaks even” at the end of the month, and you can’t even afford a holiday in a few months time!

Your DH being made redundant and having a lower paid job should make it clear to you that you shouldn’t overextend yourself as things can change.

If you can't afford one holiday, how on earth do you think you can afford private school?