Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Didn’t think I would be disappointed at Valentines but I am

38 replies

MuffinSpencer · 15/02/2025 16:07

We don’t usually make a huge deal over Valentines but DH and I have both been working a lot, both having a few very stressful weeks.

I told DH I was going to make an effort to have a nice evening last night. Get the kids in bed early, make a nice dinner (and actually eat together which hardly ever happens). I ordered him a little present, nothing fancy but a couple of bits he needs like new sunglasses. I had the day off so cleaned the house from top to bottom too.

He knew this, and instead went to the pub with my dad. When he finally got home he decided he was going to cook himself something different and ate it standing at the kitchen counter. He did bring a card for me, in a carrier bag as he’d obviously grabbed it last minute in the way back. I was hoping we’d watch a film we’ve been hoping to watch for a while but he just buggered off to bed.

I’m not asking for the world but a bunch of flowers would have at least been nice ☹️ all I wanted was to watch a film together and actually have a meal at the dinner table.

I feel silly for even being bothered about it when we normally don’t make a big deal of it but he knew I wanted a nice evening.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
LucyLoo1972 · 15/02/2026 01:46

cgk · 15/02/2025 17:19

gamerchick is right, this kind of thing eats away at relationships. Every time he does something that makes you feel like this, it adds up. It hardens you as well.

It's difficult. I read somewhere that when a woman stops bollocking a man for stuff like this, it means that she's stopped some of her fight for the relationship. But it's really unpleasant having to bollock someone for not doing basics - ie as agreed.

yes - it broke me. but I never ever blocked my DH at any stage and I dont now why

MummyJ12 · 15/02/2025 19:54

gamerchick · 15/02/2025 17:14

I think I'd be saying to him.

'Your behaviour yesterday showed me how you view me and our marriage. I'll be doing some thinking about the future on the back of it '

It might open up a conversation or it'll make him stew. This sort of stuff eats you up eventually. It chips away.

Absolutely this!
And mean it. You definitely have some thinking to do by the sounds of it. You deserve better.

Dolambslikemintsauce · 15/02/2025 19:43

Seems his thoughts aren't with you... OW or just a dick?

Bumblebeestiltskin · 15/02/2025 19:25

gamerchick · 15/02/2025 17:14

I think I'd be saying to him.

'Your behaviour yesterday showed me how you view me and our marriage. I'll be doing some thinking about the future on the back of it '

It might open up a conversation or it'll make him stew. This sort of stuff eats you up eventually. It chips away.

I think this is perfect!

OP did you ask him wtf he thought he was playing at?

arcticpandas · 15/02/2025 19:02

And you even got him what HE wanted for dinner. Really hurtful, I would completely ignore him until he excuses himself and makes it up to you.

NImumconfused · 15/02/2025 18:20

MuffinSpencer · 15/02/2025 17:06

I said to his face “it’s valentines on Friday and I know we don’t normally do anything but it’s been a long few weeks and we should XYZ” he agreed! We spoke about it days before and in the morning

go ahead and make it sound like I’m some demanding horrible witch but I was just trying to do a nice thing and have us enjoy time together

Show quote history

If you had that conversation and he agreed, then it's exceptionally rude of him to have gone to the pub and then come home and eaten something else. It's appears like a deliberate decision to spoil your day. Did he give any excuse or explanation?

We don't really bother with valentine's but I would be pretty angry if my OH agreed plans like this and then bailed to go to the pub, it's really disrespectful and dismissive of your efforts.

Laszlomydarling · 15/02/2025 18:18

Have you spoken to him about it today? He needs to know you feel let down.

madamweb · 15/02/2025 18:01

Does he have any redeeming qualities?

His behaviour screams a total lack for respect for you.

soarklyknobs · 15/02/2025 17:59

Id be very angry at both your H and your Dad.

What kind of father encourages his SIL to stand up his own daughter on Valentine's Day? He should have been telling him to go home to you.

Plus, your H sounds like he's got one foot out the door. You and the kids come way down the list of priorities, in fact you may not even feature on his list at all.

RubyRedBow · 15/02/2025 17:48

These men couldn’t care less.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 15/02/2025 17:37

Yanbu at all

I would find it hard to respect a man who puts my dad before me

Season 6 Ugh GIF by Parks and Recreation
mathanxiety · 15/02/2025 17:36

@MuffinSpencer
It sounds as if he takes you completely for granted and actually doesn't really care for you any more.

I'd ask him what exactly was going through his mind when he decided to go out to the pub, knowing you had prepared the meal he said he'd like and thst the two of you had plans.

If he pushes back in 'you're giving me earache' fashion (i.e. completely disrespectful) I'd be taking a long, hard look at how exactly the relationship was enhancing my life.

cgk · 15/02/2025 17:21

My BIL calls it "earache" from women. He doesn't take it on board, he just hopes it stops soon. I don't speak to him, but his perspective is useful!

crumblingschools · 15/02/2025 17:21

@MuffinSpencer that’s sort of what I am getting at. He seems to be able to go out on a whim (even when you have plans) without any consideration to you and DC. I assume you aren’t able to do the same. Because if he is just going for a ‘quick one’ and then rolls in at 9 stops you being able to do anything as you are default babysitter

cgk · 15/02/2025 17:20

toomuchfaff · 15/02/2025 17:19

Love this response.

Show quote history

Whilst I absolutely agree with the sentiment, he's probably too stupid to join the dots - even though it's being spelled out for him.

StormingNorman · 15/02/2025 17:20

He was bloody rude @MuffinSpencer. To arrive home late, then change dinner plans and not to watch the film with you. I would be asking what the hell he was playing at!

My most charitable interpretation is that he didn’t realise you had firm plans rather than “if you’re home we’ll do dinner and a movie”. But that still makes him a dick for not double checking.

toomuchfaff · 15/02/2025 17:19

gamerchick · 15/02/2025 17:14

I think I'd be saying to him.

'Your behaviour yesterday showed me how you view me and our marriage. I'll be doing some thinking about the future on the back of it '

It might open up a conversation or it'll make him stew. This sort of stuff eats you up eventually. It chips away.

Love this response.

cgk · 15/02/2025 17:19

gamerchick is right, this kind of thing eats away at relationships. Every time he does something that makes you feel like this, it adds up. It hardens you as well.

It's difficult. I read somewhere that when a woman stops bollocking a man for stuff like this, it means that she's stopped some of her fight for the relationship. But it's really unpleasant having to bollock someone for not doing basics - ie as agreed.

Original poster
MuffinSpencer · 15/02/2025 17:15

crumblingschools · 15/02/2025 17:11

How often do you get to go out?

Not relevant really is it? You don’t know how often either of us go out regularly.

I don’t just not turn up when I say I’ll be home

OP posts:
gamerchick · 15/02/2025 17:14

I think I'd be saying to him.

'Your behaviour yesterday showed me how you view me and our marriage. I'll be doing some thinking about the future on the back of it '

It might open up a conversation or it'll make him stew. This sort of stuff eats you up eventually. It chips away.

crumblingschools · 15/02/2025 17:11

How often do you get to go out?

Original poster
MuffinSpencer · 15/02/2025 17:09

He’s got form for going for a “quick one” and then rolling in at 9pm grumpy and hungry but I didn’t think he’d do it on the one day I specifically said we’d do something nice (and he agreed)

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 15/02/2025 17:08

MuffinSpencer · 15/02/2025 17:06

I said to his face “it’s valentines on Friday and I know we don’t normally do anything but it’s been a long few weeks and we should XYZ” he agreed! We spoke about it days before and in the morning

go ahead and make it sound like I’m some demanding horrible witch but I was just trying to do a nice thing and have us enjoy time together

Show quote history

no, if he had agreed then yes, YANBU. If he agreed and then changed the goalposts, he's a dick.

Original poster
MuffinSpencer · 15/02/2025 17:06

toomuchfaff · 15/02/2025 16:42

I told DH I was going to make an effort to have a nice evening last night.

I think one issue is communication. I didn't tell my DH what we were doing or what I was planning, we made plans together (to not celebrate - its a fabricated hallmark day), but the point I'm making is you TOLD him, you didn't decide together what to do, it wasnt a joint decision, there wasnt a communication that it was important to you, and you've obviously got very different opinions of what you wanted from the day?

I said to his face “it’s valentines on Friday and I know we don’t normally do anything but it’s been a long few weeks and we should XYZ” he agreed! We spoke about it days before and in the morning

go ahead and make it sound like I’m some demanding horrible witch but I was just trying to do a nice thing and have us enjoy time together

OP posts:
CraneBeak · 15/02/2025 16:47

Valentine's day is a red herring here. It's absolutely appalling to bail on someone when you have plans, and piss off to the pub with a work colleague instead !