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Original poster

Valentines date didn't go as planned

160 replies

Springsunshine28 · 15/02/2025 15:24

Today was supposed to be special. Since my husband was working yesterday, we planned to celebrate Valentine’s Day today. It was also a big milestone for us because our little one got invited to their first birthday party! I was really looking forward to it—both of us work full-time, so we barely get time together. The plan was to go to the party as a family, then head out for dinner and roam around the city.

Everything was going fine until my husband started looking for the remote control. He’s very particular about where things should be (like the remote always being next to the TV). I was the last one to use it while working out, but I was pretty sure I left it on the sofa. Our kid had been playing with the cushions, so it probably got buried somewhere. My husband was searching for it, getting visibly frustrated, and we were already running late. I told him we could just look for it later, hoping to keep the mood light.

But instead, he got really worked up, saying I always misplace things and bringing up other minor stuff, like pan lids not being in the "right" place. I admit I can be forgetful with small things, but I’m generally organized. I was really trying not to let this ruin the day, but it just killed the vibe.

We got in the car, and I asked him to please not let this ruin the day. But he kept going, and based on past experiences, I knew how this would play out—we’d just end up cold and distant, unable to switch back to being affectionate like nothing happened.

At that point, I lost it too. I told him he didn’t even plan anything for our Valentine’s Day dinner, and all I was asking was for him to not let something as small as a remote control ruin our time together. Honestly, this has always been an issue in our relationship—small things escalating into bigger arguments. And sometimes, I just want to feel special, especially on days that are supposed to be meaningful.

I was so frustrated that I told him to just drop us off at the party and come back later to pick us up.
After the party, he asked me what the plan was. I was still upset, so I told him I’d be going out on my own to the restaurant we were supposed to go to. He just said “okay” and dropped me off at the train station.

Honestly, I feel kind of numb right now—upset, but not in the way I used to be. Before, I’d be really angry, but now? I’m just annoyed and over it. I don’t want to waste the day, especially since I’m all dressed up, so I’m thinking of heading to London for some solo time instead.

Am I being an asshole for doing this?

OP posts:
Semiramide · 15/02/2025 15:54

In this case you were being unreasonable and ended up cutting your nose to spite your face.

However, there are clearly deep underlying issues in your relationship. His behaviour is both immature and toxic. What steps is he taking to address them?

If none. I'd be concerned...

Edited - agree with PP re. Gottman. Worth a read

Piglet89 · 15/02/2025 15:48

Honestly, I feel kind of numb right now—upset, but not in the way I used to be. Before, I’d be really angry, but now? I’m just annoyed and over it.

really recommend reading Gottman's the seven principles for making marriage work. This sounds like you're checking out, which is one of the last stages.

pinkdelight · 15/02/2025 15:47

He sounds like a berk but also this:

I was so frustrated that I told him to just drop us off at the party and come back later to pick us up.
After the party, he asked me what the plan was. I was still upset, so I told him I’d be going out on my own to the restaurant we were supposed to go to. He just said “okay” and dropped me off at the train station.

Sounds like you were wound up and arsey too and kept the bad vibe going so it was never gonna get resolved. Together it sounds like you're a bad combination.

FrenchandSaunders · 15/02/2025 15:44

Is he a copper?

JudgeBread · 15/02/2025 15:43

What a bellend.

Take yourself on a date, treat yourself to that really nice meal and have a lovely time without him. Sounds like it'll be easier and less stressful on your own!

Then when you get home I'd have a really good think about whether you actually want to spend the literal rest of your life (or rest of his at minimum) with such a miserable pedant.

StormingNorman · 15/02/2025 15:42

YABU for getting worked up about Valentines Day.

Personally, I also think YABU for not putting the remote back when you know it’s important to him to have things organised. Although, this is one of those situations where neither of you care enough about the other to accept and accommodate your differences - so you are both BU.

SallyWD · 15/02/2025 15:41

How do you feel about the relationship in general? I ask because my DH is very anal too. There are certain things that wind him up, like leaving the light on when you're not in a room.
However, despite that, I'd say our relationship is brilliant! He's very kind, considerate, and caring. I put up with irritating ways, and he puts up with me, and we're happy.
Are you happy?

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 15/02/2025 15:37

I used to get very annoyed about the remote controls ( we have four to lose) ; I like them always in the same place, DH likes to hide them under a cushion.

So I bought a holder, that’s where they live, if they aren’t put back it is an acknowledged error.

What I am saying is that there are other ways to bridge your differences than by rows and sulking. He needs to institute procedures to help you to keep things tidy ( there are some intriguing holders for pan lids). He also needs to recognise that you are more laid back, and that might be contributing more relaxation to the household..With goodwill on both sides , you (both of you, if only English had singular and plural pronouns) can sort this out.

Dolambslikemintsauce · 15/02/2025 15:32

Ime refuse to ever get into a car with him.. I did. Exh used being in a confined space as an excuse to rant at me. Make plans to have a better life for you and your dc...

Merryoldgoat · 15/02/2025 15:28

But he kept going, and based on past experiences, I knew how this would play out—we’d just end up cold and distant, unable to switch back to being affectionate like nothing happened.

This tells me that your relationship is toxic. Go out alone, stay in, do whatever. A version of this will continue until you address your relationship issues.

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