Valentines date didn't go as planned

this just sounds like a really unhealthy dynamic between you both.

But it’s a milestone!

She had a nice day planned, she was happy her DC was going to their first birthday party (why is that "batshit"? her DC was excited and she was happy to see them - nothing wrong with that, or was everyone triggered by the word milestone?)

I think the OP went out alone because the DH wrecked the mood by berating her for something that was trivial in the scheme of things and bringing up old complaints. Who would want to experience an entire evening of that. Why did he pick a day when she'd planned nice things for them to do together to carry on like that.
And then after all of that his pathetic "What's the plan then?" not an apology or any attempt at meeting her halfway, but a request to be told what to do, so that he could probably argue with that too. Not surprised she found that infuriating. She needed to get away.
OP If this is becoming normal and not a one off, you need to consider how much you are prepared to put up with or if this can still be fixed by getting some counselling, either on your own or together.

OP my spidey senses would be tingling if he is starting to drag up things from the past. Possibly rewriting history ….

Getting so wound up over a remote control isn’t normal behaviour. Have you noticed any other changes in his behaviour?

He picked a fight, the question is why. Sounds like he's always been particular - maybe he gets anxious about going out and seeks control by picking on little details and making that the issue, not his emotions (projects them onto you). But the stuff from ten years ago does sound like rewriting history.
However, he probably didn't see a birthday party and Valentines day as 'meant to be special' in the same way you did, but as chores. Yes, we should be selfless sometimes, but we're not, usually.

This. He sounds manipulative and is going to spin all of this any day soon.

I don't think you did anything wrong by leaving the scene.

I would think that he created this minor drama to get out of the romantic dinner and you don't really need to know anything beyond that really. Unless he is as invested as you, it's lopsided and a waste of time.

IMO it's over. He's like this a lot and it's a deeply unpleasant trait that will never go away.

I would see this as the end really. He didn't say sorry either did he?

I can't imagine having an argument about something as petty as the remote being misplaced. How do you live like this?! I'd have to laugh, change the subject and continue with my plans, refusing to engage in this non event.

And is still carrying it on by eating out alone rather than just going home , utterly ridiculous.

If it's new behaviour, raking over old grievances, then yes, I'd be concerned. I'd think he was about to spin it into a 'I've never been happy with you' story so that - in his own head and nowhere else - he's justified in calling it a day. Sorry, but I've seen that played out here so often.

Yeah we can all get a bit irrational admittedly, but maintaining a "pissed off" stance hours later instead of dealing with it rationally isn't a good approach for anyone to take, and unless OP recognises and addresses that type of behaviour, then they are going to drive the toxicity in all their relationships, and theres no place for toxic.

I wouldnt agree that it's acceptable for any human has some toxic behaviours. If you do have some toxic, you need to recognise and address toxic behaviours, either yours or those of others. Don't accept toxic. Nobody deserves toxic.

Yes because between bringing stuff from the past, the ALWAYS statements etc… its character assassination. It wasn’t him just being grumpy at one little thing.

I would tell him that he can take the remote control out to dinner next year. For some men, that is their one true love.

Blaming people, bringing back old grudges and ‘always’ statements are not ‘him telling the OP what he thought’. It was a character assassination and the best way to destroy trust.

I’m not surprised the OP reacted the way she did.

Thats wo going into the whole ‘things have to be my way or the Highway’ situation. I mean who the fuck cares about how lids are put away? Esp as its probably the OP that uses the lids anyway.

Agree with this.

He sounds like a pain in the arse about the remote and then OP kept the bad mood going. I cba to live like this.

This the op did the same thing he did.

Your relationship is toxic. Both of you have toxic behaviours, unless you start to address them you'll never progress.

ghat’s a bit extreme isn’t it? Doesn’t every human have toxic behaviours so? We all get irrational sometimes!!

He's seeing someone else or got his eye on someone, this is how it starts. Making little things into bigger things - especially if this is new behaviour.

You were stressed ready to go, he was ridiculous but mind was set on finding the remote- it was just a little thing that blew up because of the day that was in it. Hope you both make up and have a nice night in tonight instead with none of the stupid valentines pressure (stupid just because we’re told we should have a lovely time!!!)

Everyone has their foibles. OP's husband likes the TV remotes to be in the same place.
I'm the same, everything in it's place as it saves so much time.
People just need to respect each other's foibles to avoid strife. They might seem like small issues but repeated ignoring over time builds resentment.

I asked him to please not let this ruin the day.

Nothing more guaranteed to ruin a day than to make a point to ask not to ruin the day. Toxic behaviours trigger this kind of language.

After the party, he asked me what the plan was. I was still upset, so I told him I’d be going out on my own to the restaurant we were supposed to go to.

So instead of letting it go, or dealing with it and moving on you just carried on.

Your relationship is toxic. Both of you have toxic behaviours, unless you start to address them you'll never progress.

Im trying hard not to think of the poor host, inviting a kid and the op goes as a family.

Has he always brought up 10 year old grievances and it's only in the last few months you've noticed him doing it, or has he only been doing it for a few months? The reason I ask is, is it new behaviour? Because new behaviour is generally for a reason.