Valentines date didn't go as planned

So its just her job to take the child to a birthday party in a play park - because he can't be bothered to join them? Why should he have to undertake this arduous chore?
There are quite a few dads who like to spend time with their children at the weekend, and want to watch them enjoying themselves.

Of corse you’d stay with your 2 year old daughter at a play centre, what a wild suggestion that you wouldn’t. Me and my DH would have gone together, had a brew whilst she played.

From this small snap shot it seems you need to walk on egg shells around your husband. Misplacing the remote really isn’t a reason to fall out with somebody all day for?

I am a nurse, I also like things to be neat and tidy- in order. I do get frustrated when things are messy and get annoyed if folk don’t tidy up after themselves. Perhaps it’s a nurse thing. But to fall out with somebody all day- that’s definitely not ok.

Id take the evening to really think about the relationship, what you think about it and what your daughter will endure as she gets older and ‘loses’ the remote.

Maybe he caused the argument to get out of going to the birthday party. Who the heck wants to go to a kids party as a family outing.

And I find your way of life rude and lacking perspective and self awareness - to offer unsolicited opinion on an internet random's way of life on someone else's thread. Genuinely why do you think I would care what you find tiring or not..? You are no one to me.

I'm older than you and have been married twice. Reading your post just gives me vibes of both my exH's, and I can feel that you are constantly trying to appease him. For me, this kind of 'desperately trying to appease' situation just led to verbal and emotional abuse. It got worse, as these things often do, hence both are now exH's. I am far, far, happier on my own, but I understand totally the difficulty of trying to extract yourself from this situation, both morally and financially, should you feel you need to.
Take your time and enjoy some peace tonight - you deserve it, and decide what your breaking point will be should this behaviour continue. It undoubtedly will, as men like this don't change. Good luck.

@renoleno are you saying that the example of the pan lids not been tidy up the right way is the same? That it will obviously be an issue for him because the lids aren’t quite in the right position. Even though I’m pretty sure it’s the OP who cooks?

Also, taking into account your partner’s quirks is nice. Taking into account ALL your partner’s quirks and requests even if Theyre areal weight for you day to day is not.
Being kind is good. Insisting that YOUR way is the only way and your partner has to do it your way isn’t. It’s controlling.

Don't like to generalise but I think, from experience, they can be quite controlling.

What would be stressful for me in this situation (and maybe her DH too, don't know what he's like) is having to remember it's lost, then remembering to look for it, to look for it - all of which will happen the next time I want to sit down and relax with tv UNLESS I remember to look for it before.

You see I find that way if living tiring.
Ok so At times A in the day, you realise you you’ve misplaced the remote.
Spending the day thinking that you really have to remember to look for the remote sounds exhausting and stressful fur no reason at all. I mean the remote isn’t going to be MORE lost if you leave it to the last minute to look for it.
I can’t imagine to be bothered by it tbh.

Valentines isn't a big deal.
Being invited to a first birthday party isn't a big deal.
Being annoyed for more than a minute about a missing remote control is insane.

Sounds like he didn't actually want to go out with you today.

Does he start fights often to avoid spending time with you?

We don't know if he only started searching for it as they were leaving (which makes no sense) or was still searching by the time they needed to leave. I used an example situation of why someone's forgetfulness is hard to live with and actually forces the other person to be extra ordered to make up for it. Bottom line is losing a remote is annoying especially since OP won't be looking for it (and likely won't remember it's lost once they're back home). What would be stressful for me in this situation (and maybe her DH too, don't know what he's like) is having to remember it's lost, then remembering to look for it, to look for it - all of which will happen the next time I want to sit down and relax with tv UNLESS I remember to look for it before. So it's just another thing on my own to-do list even though i didn't lose it. But DH understand why it bugs me and will make a note on his phone to look for something hes misplaces rather than just ignore it.

This is clearly the same with other incidents he's brought up so we don't know if the OP takes his annoyance seriously and has methods to manage it, or treats it all as him 'being in a mood'. We are hearing only her side of course, but unless she wants to spend every V Day alone, it's worth considering perspectives that don't just demonise him, and can empathise too.

Acknowledgement of someone's right to be annoyed is sometimes all that's needed to make them feel heard, which stops the escalation.

His reaction to getting annoyed by it isn't any worse than her reaction to think he's making a fuss over nothing. And getting mad at him because in the past he's gone on for ages is as bad as him bringing up incidents from the past. They're both harping on the past. It's a vicious cycle at this point.

Does he have childhood trauma or a parent who does this?
it sounds like a trauma bond to situations in his childhood around trigger events like your plans today.

I doubt he really cared about a missing remote. It sounds like he deliberately caused an argument to spoil the evening. He just wasn't into your plans.

Can you not see how he's holding you to a standard that is impossible to achieve?

He's collecting instances in his memory bank where you're less than perfect as a stick to beat you with. He isn't a forgiving, kind man. He's actually very nasty and insidious.

Ex-p used to do the same.

If he collected physical sticks to beat me with, and kept hold of that stick every time I was less than perfect, so each time he could pile another one on, I'd be bruised black and blue.

People who love you and don't just see you as a commodity don't do this.

It's up to you whether you're willing to forgive this and move on but I can promise you he won't forgive you and move on. Its just another stick in the pile.

But he wasn't being thwarted in his plan to sit down and watch TV.
They were on their way out, running late, when he started making a fuss about the remote, blaming OP when it was probably under the cushions. She was trying to calm the situation down "hoping to keep the mood light."

My husband was searching for it, getting visibly frustrated, and we were already running late. I told him we could just look for it later, hoping to keep the mood light.

Why, the kid's 2?! We would probably have gone as a couple too!
Weird not to in my opinion!

This is one of those classic minor arguments that escalates into a row because neither party can be the bigger person and calm the situation down.

A forgetful spouse can be annoying AF - you finish a long day at work where you're looking forward to a cup of tea and some mindless telly, and if the remote isn't where it should be, rather than being relaxed, it becomes stressful. If he's brought up previous occasions where you've been forgetful it's likely because it's a quality in your that has always bugged him, but mostly he accepts it but sometimes the repressed annoyance explodes. I'm sure you feel similarly about some of his traits.

What did you do to defuse the situation? When I'm grouchy about my forgetful DH forgetting something, he will offer to look for it, or if there isn't time he will apologise and make me a cup of tea or soothe me in different ways and I let it go. He reacts to me with empathy, rather than the barely hidden annoyance of, 'oh not this neurotic thing again'. Similarly if he's grouchy, I will make peace because it benefits both of us and we can have a calmer discussion about it later on.

Not sure what the conflict resolution style is between you. If it's been years of built up resentment on both sides, you're stuck in a vicious cycle where you expect the worst of each other and react to the build up, rather than the specific situation happening. It doesn't sound like you both communicate. E.g does he know you wanted something for Valentines Day, or that you don't feel special? DH and I never celebrate V day so i don't think everyone puts as much emphasis on it. If I wanted DH to plan something, I'd tell him because he's not naturally romantic (but a great DH) and I don't want to test him.

So I can't tell what upset you about all this - was it him being upset about the remote or not planning V-day? Whichever it is, you need to communicate what you want, need, expect and not assume he can read your mind or knows what has pissed you off. Ask him to organise a date night for both of you, reconnect as a couple and have an honest conversation about what you both want or miss in the other.

You both need to grow up, you sitting there on your own is really cutting your nose off, and also going to the party as a family is plain weird.