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Original poster

Valentines date didn't go as planned

160 replies

Springsunshine28 · 15/02/2025 15:24

Today was supposed to be special. Since my husband was working yesterday, we planned to celebrate Valentine’s Day today. It was also a big milestone for us because our little one got invited to their first birthday party! I was really looking forward to it—both of us work full-time, so we barely get time together. The plan was to go to the party as a family, then head out for dinner and roam around the city.

Everything was going fine until my husband started looking for the remote control. He’s very particular about where things should be (like the remote always being next to the TV). I was the last one to use it while working out, but I was pretty sure I left it on the sofa. Our kid had been playing with the cushions, so it probably got buried somewhere. My husband was searching for it, getting visibly frustrated, and we were already running late. I told him we could just look for it later, hoping to keep the mood light.

But instead, he got really worked up, saying I always misplace things and bringing up other minor stuff, like pan lids not being in the "right" place. I admit I can be forgetful with small things, but I’m generally organized. I was really trying not to let this ruin the day, but it just killed the vibe.

We got in the car, and I asked him to please not let this ruin the day. But he kept going, and based on past experiences, I knew how this would play out—we’d just end up cold and distant, unable to switch back to being affectionate like nothing happened.

At that point, I lost it too. I told him he didn’t even plan anything for our Valentine’s Day dinner, and all I was asking was for him to not let something as small as a remote control ruin our time together. Honestly, this has always been an issue in our relationship—small things escalating into bigger arguments. And sometimes, I just want to feel special, especially on days that are supposed to be meaningful.

I was so frustrated that I told him to just drop us off at the party and come back later to pick us up.
After the party, he asked me what the plan was. I was still upset, so I told him I’d be going out on my own to the restaurant we were supposed to go to. He just said “okay” and dropped me off at the train station.

Honestly, I feel kind of numb right now—upset, but not in the way I used to be. Before, I’d be really angry, but now? I’m just annoyed and over it. I don’t want to waste the day, especially since I’m all dressed up, so I’m thinking of heading to London for some solo time instead.

Am I being an asshole for doing this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Springsunshine28 · 15/02/2025 21:20

snotathing · 15/02/2025 18:24

I doubt he really cared about a missing remote. It sounds like he deliberately caused an argument to spoil the evening. He just wasn't into your plans.

I am not sure if it is caused by childhood trauma but he was never like this when we started 15 years ago. But overtime he became very particular to put where things are.

OP posts:
HighlandCowbag · 15/02/2025 21:12

Sorry for spellings, phone being glitch.

HighlandCowbag · 15/02/2025 21:12

Hmmm I'm kinda feeling for your DH here.

Every night when we go to bed, DH has the TV on. Every night I end up hunting around for it to.turn the tv off when he has fallen asleep. Despite asking repeatedly for him to leave it between the pillows so I don't have to.

Most mornings I get up, and DH has put thr remote somewhere silly. Either in thr kitchen, under a cushion or on the bookcase. It takes me about 50.seconds to find it. But it is annoying. Every day.

Whenever DH empties the dishwasher he shires pan lids anywhere they will fit. It's annoying because I have to take them out, they are like coathangers and stick together or slide around.

You were being unreasonable being arsey about carrying it on and going on your own for a meal.

Just maybe adult a bit more?

YesIReallyDidOK · 15/02/2025 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

As a general rule, people who recognise abuse recognise it because they have experienced it or are trained to recognise it.

It's not that abusers don't see it, it's that they feel fully entitled to abuse their victim, so they will twist facts or lie, act like they are the real victim, and do anything they can to persuade their victim that they are the real abuser.

There is no way to know if this anonymous internet poster has posted anywhere else.

With all of this in mind, it would seem you are projecting some quite awful things.

jjblack · 15/02/2025 21:10

Could it be possible that your husband is actually neurodiverse and has just never been diagnosed? Having things in a strict place and acting like the world has ended if it's put in a wrong place definitely sounds like a potential trait. Also the way he so simply accepted you saying you're going to the restaurant alone could just be that he takes things incredibly literally, so rather than thinking there is an issue that needs to be resolved, he is just like "ok have fun", and he simply hasn't understood that actually that probably wasn't the right response. It might be worthwhile researching autism and ADHD symptoms in adult men and seeing if there are a lot of cross over character traits, if there are then just knowing why he acts the way he does sometimes will be a massive help in helping you both communicate. I have a very neurospicy family and some of the things you said definitely made me think of things I've witnessed/had to deal with myself which is why I thought I'd suggest this.

ArtTheClown · 15/02/2025 21:09

So you've not posted on another forum about an argument with your DH when your in-laws were around, which you started with him in front of them, then when he reacted you swore at him, hit his arms, and threw things at him?

What makes you think it's the same poster?

Saggyknickers · 15/02/2025 21:03

Springsunshine28 · 15/02/2025 18:22

Thank you. The party is in the play area where they closed the whole place. I don't see why I have to leave my little one on her own.

Show quote history

No one would leave their 2yo alone at a party - take no notice of these idiotic comments.

Saggyknickers · 15/02/2025 21:01

Oh I couldn't be arsed spending my life with someone who gets upset about temporarily misplacing the remote, how ridiculous.

Dh and I misplace the remote almost every day - we don't keep a tally of who had it last we just look for it and find it after a few minutes.

And as for you "not putting pan lids back properly" - wtf? Do people really get worked up about petty crap like this?

He sounds like an angry, neurotic weirdo.

renoleno · 15/02/2025 20:56

This reply has been deleted

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MyLimeGuide · 15/02/2025 20:53

Renoleno what do u mean?? Random cryptic messages are a headfuck for us simple minded MN folk

EdithBond · 15/02/2025 20:53

And it’s not acceptable, though very typical, for women to be left doing all the life admin and mental load once kids come along.

Men must do their fair share.

ArtTheClown · 15/02/2025 20:48

@renoleno what other forum are you on about?

Original poster
Springsunshine28 · 15/02/2025 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Excuse me?

OP posts:
MyLimeGuide · 15/02/2025 20:43

Sodthesystem · 15/02/2025 20:28

Only read your first post but, I wouldn't be surprised if this was deliberate.

Narcissists like to ruin special occasions. I wonder if he has form for that. Birthdays, Christmas and valentines day are not all-about- them. So they cause drama to ruin those days. And make it all about themselves.

Also they don't like being obligated to behave in a way that would make you happy. Like buying you a gift on a special day. Because they do nt eat you happy. They want you exhausted and downtrodden so you feel too beat down to leave them.

100%

MyLimeGuide · 15/02/2025 20:39

He didn't want to go out on the valentines date and he used the remote as an excuse. Don't waste your time you deserve better - just love you instead. Being single is waaaay better than that treatment xx

Sodthesystem · 15/02/2025 20:37

Springsunshine28 · 15/02/2025 20:32

To be honest with you, that's the reason I just went on my own. It happened in the past that special occasion has been ruined because of little arguments that turns into a big one. So I just want to go out and eat own my own because I was craving so much to go to that restaurant for ages 😩

Show quote history

OK so you know it's deliberate then right?

I'm so sorry op but if you know he's doing this deliberately then - it's over. It has to be if you ever want to have a happy, peaceful life.

Think about it, how big of a bastard does someone need to be to want to ruin nice occasions for their partner? To never tell her she is beautiful? To ignore her practically begging not to have to argue with them about a TV handset because it's a special day!

He's not a nice person and he means you harm. Start getting your ducks in a row to get away from this asshole. Life is too short!

renoleno · 15/02/2025 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

EdithBond · 15/02/2025 20:33

Springsunshine28 · 15/02/2025 20:22

Oh thank you so much for these. For some reason he is usually quite chilled about these things and just recently he is being over critical about little things bringing up old arguments that I thought was resolved already. I myself if guilty of being forgetful sometimes esp after having a baby, idk if it's the mum brain. I don't know I feel like I am just so exhausted by all of it. Both of us are working the same hours, both nurses 12 hours 3 days a week, but all the mental workload of planning for daily stuff, bills mortgage, dd appointments and all are on me. Financially we are tight even if we are earning decently as he had messed up with taxes and paying for penalties and all. I have come to terms that he is not all very big on planning date nights or anything to make me feel like a woman. I feel like we are just room mates at the moment but it's all OK for me that why days like this I am looking forward to as I know atleast we can celebrate or spend time together nicely. Sorry for the rant. But thank you and really appreciate your advise and will take this on board.

Show quote history

That sounds very stressful. I can assure you it’s very typical to get irritable with each other, and for the romance to go, when you have a baby/toddler. It takes a lot of adjusting. I salute you both for working so hard in tough and vital jobs 💐

Take it easy with each other. Try to find the humour together. You need it when you have kids. Try to find pleasure in little things. Don’t have unrealistic expectations. Try to carve out a little bit of time to treat yourself now and again.

Original poster
Springsunshine28 · 15/02/2025 20:32

Sodthesystem · 15/02/2025 20:28

Only read your first post but, I wouldn't be surprised if this was deliberate.

Narcissists like to ruin special occasions. I wonder if he has form for that. Birthdays, Christmas and valentines day are not all-about- them. So they cause drama to ruin those days. And make it all about themselves.

Also they don't like being obligated to behave in a way that would make you happy. Like buying you a gift on a special day. Because they do nt eat you happy. They want you exhausted and downtrodden so you feel too beat down to leave them.

To be honest with you, that's the reason I just went on my own. It happened in the past that special occasion has been ruined because of little arguments that turns into a big one. So I just want to go out and eat own my own because I was craving so much to go to that restaurant for ages 😩

OP posts:
Sodthesystem · 15/02/2025 20:29

**dont want you happy

Sodthesystem · 15/02/2025 20:28

Only read your first post but, I wouldn't be surprised if this was deliberate.

Narcissists like to ruin special occasions. I wonder if he has form for that. Birthdays, Christmas and valentines day are not all-about- them. So they cause drama to ruin those days. And make it all about themselves.

Also they don't like being obligated to behave in a way that would make you happy. Like buying you a gift on a special day. Because they do nt eat you happy. They want you exhausted and downtrodden so you feel too beat down to leave them.

Original poster
Springsunshine28 · 15/02/2025 20:28

Laiste · 15/02/2025 19:58

OP, was your DD going to come with you and DH to the meal and the roam around the city?

After the party.

Hi yes she will be coming with us. We don't have a child minder and we really want to spend time with her together as we only have 1 day during the week that we are both off.

OP posts:
EdithBond · 15/02/2025 20:26

BreezyScroller · 15/02/2025 20:18

that's the norm here? Drop your 2 year old and run? You won't get any more invitation.

Hosts are offering a birthday party, not free childcare, and it's up to parents to look after their own child.

Show quote history

Yeah, we often both used to take our kids to parties. And lots of our friends both came to our kids’ parties. We always did lots of grub and beers for mates. We had parties in the park in summer with a BBQ. The more the merrier at a party. I realise some couples would rather not both go to a kids party. But it’s not a big deal if they do.

Original poster
Springsunshine28 · 15/02/2025 20:22

EdithBond · 15/02/2025 19:26

YANBU.

Your DH sounds uptight and controlling. He shouldn’t be critical of, and frustrated with, you not doing exactly as he wants with a remote control and pan lids. It shouldn’t cause a bad atmosphere. Anyone would find that oppressive.

It’s possible he has OCD or some other condition where he needs everything to be perfect. If so, he should take responsibility for recognising and regulating his behaviour, which is affecting you and will likely affect your DD.

IMHO you need to have an open and honest conversation with him and calmly let him know how you feel about his behaviour. How you feel that he didn’t make an effort for Valentine’s Day. Maybe leave things to calm for a few days first.

If you focus on how you feel, rather than criticising or attacking him, and remain calm and conciliatory, he shouldn’t get defensive or moody. The key to a good relationship is communicating how you feel and having empathy for each other. You should also listen to how he feels. It’s very stressful both working full time with a toddler. I expect his job is stressful, tiring and traumatic at times too. But if that’s affecting his mood, he should communicate that to you.

If he takes your attempt at an open conversation about this badly and won’t take any responsibility for the impact his behaviour’s having on you, you should consider if you want to continue with the relationship. I suggest you seek some counselling on your own to figure that out.

Oh thank you so much for these. For some reason he is usually quite chilled about these things and just recently he is being over critical about little things bringing up old arguments that I thought was resolved already. I myself if guilty of being forgetful sometimes esp after having a baby, idk if it's the mum brain. I don't know I feel like I am just so exhausted by all of it. Both of us are working the same hours, both nurses 12 hours 3 days a week, but all the mental workload of planning for daily stuff, bills mortgage, dd appointments and all are on me. Financially we are tight even if we are earning decently as he had messed up with taxes and paying for penalties and all. I have come to terms that he is not all very big on planning date nights or anything to make me feel like a woman. I feel like we are just room mates at the moment but it's all OK for me that why days like this I am looking forward to as I know atleast we can celebrate or spend time together nicely. Sorry for the rant. But thank you and really appreciate your advise and will take this on board.

OP posts:
BreezyScroller · 15/02/2025 20:18

Onceachunkymonkey · 15/02/2025 16:57

Im trying hard not to think of the poor host, inviting a kid and the op goes as a family.

Show quote history

that's the norm here? Drop your 2 year old and run? You won't get any more invitation.

Hosts are offering a birthday party, not free childcare, and it's up to parents to look after their own child.

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