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Original poster

Valentine's Day drama

216 replies

wandapower · 15/02/2025 13:49

Yesterday was our one year anniversary and Valentine's Day obvs. With my ex, he never used to make an effort over these things and it would really upset me and ruin all occasions. Birthdays, valentines, Christmas- I would come with thought out gifts and he would take them but give nothing back until I got upset then he'd buy something and apologise, state how much he loves me etc.

My DP knows this and know how important celebrating occasions and gift giving it - I don't need anything extravagant even just a card/flowers etc just something that shows effort.

I had my child until the early evening so came over to his house later in the evening. Our original plan was to go to cinema on the day like we did last year but I've just been laid off from my job so felt a bit down so suggested we do this on Saturday instead. I brought a small gift and card for him, nothing big. He took it but didn't read the card and didn't have anything for me. Cinema was booked up and it's a 3 hr film and it would have been a late screening so decided to just see it the next day. We went for a walk instead and got a takeaway. On the way back I started to feel a bit down that he hadn't got me anything. I thought maybe he had hid it and would give me a card or something but we got back to his, watched some of a series we were watching. He asked me to take the plates we used to the kitchen but I said no, he should as he's closer and I was in bed warm. After one episode I started scrolling on instagram and obviously saw loads of posts celebrating valentines so don't make it obvious but felt a bit down that again I've ended up with a guy who doesn't care to make me feel special or appreciated. He turned off the tv and seemed as if he was going to sleep. I felt really shitty and couldn't sleep so turned on my laptop and started doing work but was over thinking and at this point got upset and silently crying and rethinking our whole relationship as like I said, history was repeating. He woke up and promoted me to go to the kitchen again. By this time it was 1am. Anyway, turns out he had bought a huge teddy, with wine and chocolates but wanted to make me feel like he had done nothing so it would be a surprise. I was so upset by this point and felt stupid so was still crying and couldn't get happy over the fact he had actually done something for valentiens. He has bipolar and was upset that I was upset so he slept in the other room but said he loved me but he felt stupid and sad for upsetting me. I explained it's like he wanted to play with my emotions and I told him what my ex was like and how upsetting it was so don't get why he wanted to do it to me. He apologised again and said he knows he was silly for doing that but thought it would be a surprise. I slept alone in his bed wishing I was home and just feeling so shitty. It was too late for me to drive home by this point and if I had he would have felt bad too so I stayed but couldn't sleep and just felt so alone and upset. He came back in the room in the morning, loving and apologetic but I feel so emotional today. I'm going home soon as I can't stop crying. I'm knackered and feel drained.

I don't know why I'm posting here but I guess am I overreacting? I know he loves me but he did something similar at Christmas where he pretending he didn't get me anything until the end of the day where by then I had the same feelings as I do now. Surely he would have learnt that I don't find that funny. Just be normal and give the gift when you get yours. I feel like I'm acting like a child but it's bringing up bad feelings from my last relationship.

OP posts:
NewYou42 · 15/02/2025 14:40

CoughingCandy · 15/02/2025 14:25

Are you not just both exhausted with the drama?

It’s all so unnecessary.

Yes! And there's a child who has no say in who their mother picks and she chooses this. Poor kid.

Original poster
wandapower · 15/02/2025 14:37

@Londonrach1 even a card would have been ok. I've made this clear to him. I don't need huge extravagance. It's the effort and thought that counts. I don't post on instagram and don't show off my personal life.

OP posts:
sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 15/02/2025 14:36

NewHeaven · 15/02/2025 14:31

You sound like hard work tbh and need proper therapy and should stay single. You're not relationship material tbh, too needy and obsessed about insta valentines days. I feel sorry for your child with all those moving from one man to the next.

I actually agree with this ^

You're blaming your partner and his bipolar , and his gift giving WAS a bit confused, but YOU are the one with all the emotional baggage and unresolved issues which YOU are dumping on HIM

So weird

Original poster
wandapower · 15/02/2025 14:36

@Parlezz when he knew I wasn't going to see the gift, surely he would have gone to get it? Wasn't a very thought out plan.

OP posts:
Justsayit123 · 15/02/2025 14:34

He’s a fuckwit. Why be that nasty. He doesn’t love you. He’s a jerk. Get rid.

Shoxfordian · 15/02/2025 14:34

He's stupid to play the same trick that didn't go down well at christmas
Don't date stupid

ScribblingPixie · 15/02/2025 14:33

You're not being unreasonable OP, and your reaction wasn't OTT. I once went on holiday with a friend whose husband phoned her on the day we flew home to say that, despite having said previously he would pick her up at the airport, he was now doing something else. She was pretty upset but tried to put a brave face on it. Then when we got to the airport there he was with a big bunch of flowers. I don't know what movie ending he thought he was acting out but I was appalled at the way he manipulated her emotions - why did he want her to feel like he didn't care? - and have disliked him ever since.

Londonrach1 · 15/02/2025 14:33

You have overacted. You got a strange idea about Valentine day. It's not the movies. Most couples only give cards. The tat in the shops is just tat. Someone who cares and looks after you daily is more important than show off on a day

Original poster
wandapower · 15/02/2025 14:33

Honestly I do feel like a drama queen over this especially as it turns out that he did do something for me. I just don't get his thinking behind waiting until Valentine's Day was over and making me think he didn't do anything. I know he loves me which is why I want to get over this and that he slept in the other room because he was upset that I was upset.

It is exhausting and I want to be over this. I do feel a bit better reading the comments. As much as I love this man, his bipolar is affecting the relationship and having an impact on my emotions. The gift thing is just plain weird. He can be very thoughtful. For Mother's Day last year, we'd only been together a short while but he bought a card and chocolates for my son to give to me and still to this day denies any involvement in it.

I think I need to be clear with him and accept he can be clumsy with his attempts.

OP posts:
NewHeaven · 15/02/2025 14:31

You sound like hard work tbh and need proper therapy and should stay single. You're not relationship material tbh, too needy and obsessed about insta valentines days. I feel sorry for your child with all those moving from one man to the next.

Nonrienderien · 15/02/2025 14:31

wandapower · 15/02/2025 13:58

Yes after 1am. He did make an effort and got me something but I don't get his thinking behind making me feel like he didn't. I really worked myself up over the hours for nothing. I feel ungrateful and stupid but also confused as to why he thought it would be smart to pretend he didn't do anything.

If you were upset he didn't give you a card & flowers you should have told him immediately after you gave him yours. At least this would have given him the opportunity to reconsider his wrong intent to give you a late surprise. As it was you were waiting for the 'surprise'when you knew it would upset you if it didn't happen,especially due to incidents like this in a previous relationship. It never fails to amaze me the lack of communication that occurs between some couples.

Simple answer,stop playing games with each other.

ruethewhirl · 15/02/2025 14:31

Some of these responses. Women really aren't allowed to mind about anything, are we??

Nowthesaidmother · 15/02/2025 14:29

ImmortalSnowman · 15/02/2025 13:54

He tried to make an effort and surprise you. Not good enough if he doesnt do it exactly the way you want it. He can't win can he.

In fairness to op, who leaves a surprise till 1am, after they'd gone to bed?

Op he should have insisted you go to the kitchen earlier in the evening, or go and get the presents and bring them to you .

It's very weird, especially after doing it at Christmas and upsetting you.

I don't think he's for you, too much scope for heartache.

Cattery · 15/02/2025 14:29

How old are you? 14?

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 15/02/2025 14:29

He sounds so weird though. Why would he want you to think he’d forgotten then realise he hadn’t?

Whats the point of it all.

He sounds more trouble than he’s worth.

GlimmerOfGold · 15/02/2025 14:29

FamilyPhoto · 15/02/2025 14:27

I can't get past the fact that he WANTED you to think he'd not got you anything.
Throw this one back op.

Exactly. What kind of person makes a plan where their partner getting upset is an integral part of the surprise??

VickyEadieofThigh · 15/02/2025 14:29

Livelaughlurgy · 15/02/2025 13:56

Oh god, I blame movies. Why people think in order for a surprise to be better the recipient needs to be disappointed first?

I posted on a thread a couple of weeks ago how horrible and hurtful it is when people do this (it was in the context of birthdays on the previous thread). It ruins the whole day.

safetyfreak · 15/02/2025 14:28

failingrocks · 15/02/2025 14:25

No. OP was upset because she wanted to put his declaration of love on the sm she was staying up scrolling and crying to.

Show quote history

He didnt give her the gift until 1.30am, the next day!

When he told her to go into the kitchen, it was 11.30pm.

Is that normal?

Parlezz · 15/02/2025 14:27

wandapower · 15/02/2025 14:26

Staying up late is normal for me and partner and no, I don't really post on socials so I wasn't bothered by having something to post. I guess I saw all these people posting what their partner did and I felt like I'm with a guy I love and who loves me but he couldn't even get me a card. I don't need much, it's the thought and effort that counts for me.

It's obviously fucking not the thought and the effort that counts for you. He did all that and tried to surprise you and you found fault, accusing him of pretending to forget. It doesn't sound like that was even his plan, just you ruined it.

LittleMousewithcloggson · 15/02/2025 14:27

Op, you will ruin all future relationships if you don’t get rid of your emotional baggage
Some people just don’t do Valentine’s Day as it feels contrived
You are forcing other people to do something for you, even if they don’t want to, and completely over reacting when they don’t do something the way you think they should.
As for Birthdays and Christmas - have the conversation! What’s the spending limits? When do you like to exchange gifts? Etc etc
Emotionally blackmailing someone with your high expectations - and your extreme reaction - is going to ruin the relationship more than someone not giving you presents and making a fuss of you

RIPVPROG · 15/02/2025 14:27

How were you at his flat all evening and didn't go into the kitchen? Didn't you get a drink at any point? He maybe should've been clearer when he asked you to take the plates and you refused, he should've said ok I'll take them but please come to the kitchen with me.
I think he's tried to do something nice and misjudged it and you've put far too much emphasis on an arbitrary day.

DH lost my card (we've had building work there was stuff everywhere), but he spent all day yesterday while I was at work absolutely busting a gut to get our downstairs back to normal after the builders left Thursday, moving furniture, cleaning, packing away, numerous tip runs , so we had a clean tidy warm space to enjoy, and a dining table to eat at, which after more than a month of living on a building site was absolute bliss. Tokens and gestures don't mean anything. If the rest of your relationship is good.

FamilyPhoto · 15/02/2025 14:27

I can't get past the fact that he WANTED you to think he'd not got you anything.
Throw this one back op.

Original poster
wandapower · 15/02/2025 14:26

Staying up late is normal for me and partner and no, I don't really post on socials so I wasn't bothered by having something to post. I guess I saw all these people posting what their partner did and I felt like I'm with a guy I love and who loves me but he couldn't even get me a card. I don't need much, it's the thought and effort that counts for me.

OP posts:
CoughingCandy · 15/02/2025 14:25

Are you not just both exhausted with the drama?

It’s all so unnecessary.

Parlezz · 15/02/2025 14:25

I would have thought when I give my gift would be the time to give his.

He obviously thought differently. It doesn't sound like you bothered to discuss this. None of that means he's cruel or you should be angry with him.

Sounds like you got what you wanted. But I'm not sure a huge teddy gives your relationship the meaning you think it does.

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