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Original poster

Valentine's Day drama

216 replies

wandapower · 15/02/2025 13:49

Yesterday was our one year anniversary and Valentine's Day obvs. With my ex, he never used to make an effort over these things and it would really upset me and ruin all occasions. Birthdays, valentines, Christmas- I would come with thought out gifts and he would take them but give nothing back until I got upset then he'd buy something and apologise, state how much he loves me etc.

My DP knows this and know how important celebrating occasions and gift giving it - I don't need anything extravagant even just a card/flowers etc just something that shows effort.

I had my child until the early evening so came over to his house later in the evening. Our original plan was to go to cinema on the day like we did last year but I've just been laid off from my job so felt a bit down so suggested we do this on Saturday instead. I brought a small gift and card for him, nothing big. He took it but didn't read the card and didn't have anything for me. Cinema was booked up and it's a 3 hr film and it would have been a late screening so decided to just see it the next day. We went for a walk instead and got a takeaway. On the way back I started to feel a bit down that he hadn't got me anything. I thought maybe he had hid it and would give me a card or something but we got back to his, watched some of a series we were watching. He asked me to take the plates we used to the kitchen but I said no, he should as he's closer and I was in bed warm. After one episode I started scrolling on instagram and obviously saw loads of posts celebrating valentines so don't make it obvious but felt a bit down that again I've ended up with a guy who doesn't care to make me feel special or appreciated. He turned off the tv and seemed as if he was going to sleep. I felt really shitty and couldn't sleep so turned on my laptop and started doing work but was over thinking and at this point got upset and silently crying and rethinking our whole relationship as like I said, history was repeating. He woke up and promoted me to go to the kitchen again. By this time it was 1am. Anyway, turns out he had bought a huge teddy, with wine and chocolates but wanted to make me feel like he had done nothing so it would be a surprise. I was so upset by this point and felt stupid so was still crying and couldn't get happy over the fact he had actually done something for valentiens. He has bipolar and was upset that I was upset so he slept in the other room but said he loved me but he felt stupid and sad for upsetting me. I explained it's like he wanted to play with my emotions and I told him what my ex was like and how upsetting it was so don't get why he wanted to do it to me. He apologised again and said he knows he was silly for doing that but thought it would be a surprise. I slept alone in his bed wishing I was home and just feeling so shitty. It was too late for me to drive home by this point and if I had he would have felt bad too so I stayed but couldn't sleep and just felt so alone and upset. He came back in the room in the morning, loving and apologetic but I feel so emotional today. I'm going home soon as I can't stop crying. I'm knackered and feel drained.

I don't know why I'm posting here but I guess am I overreacting? I know he loves me but he did something similar at Christmas where he pretending he didn't get me anything until the end of the day where by then I had the same feelings as I do now. Surely he would have learnt that I don't find that funny. Just be normal and give the gift when you get yours. I feel like I'm acting like a child but it's bringing up bad feelings from my last relationship.

OP posts:
Poppins2016 · 15/02/2025 15:09

ImmortalSnowman · 15/02/2025 13:54

He tried to make an effort and surprise you. Not good enough if he doesnt do it exactly the way you want it. He can't win can he.

In fairness, I think he was playing a game and toying with emotions (or at best, really didn't think it through, especially in light of what he did and how it was received at Christmas). It's like when people pretend to forget someones birthday only to then reveal a big surprise at the day... by which point, said person has spent most of the day feeling rubbish and a shadow has been cast over the day. I think it's entirely reasonable not to like that kind of surprise approach.

AnnaL94 · 15/02/2025 15:08

You don’t sound compatible. You both struggle to communicate with each other.

AmyDudley · 15/02/2025 15:04

Why does anyone think that letting a person believe you have forgotten an occasion so they are upset all day and then 'surprising' them, is anything other than nasty and cruel ?
You get some kind of kick out of ruining the day, watching someone be unhappy while you smuggly tell yourself 'I know something you don't know' just so you can have the supposed pleasure of seeing them go through a confusing mix of emotions when you do the 'big reveal'.
It is shitty cruel behaviour indulged in by people with zero emotional intelligence and a nasty streak. Manipulative game players - no one needs a relationshi with one of those, I'd ditch him OP and find yourself a decent person, or not be in a relationship and love and care for yourself.

scotstars · 15/02/2025 15:04

It doesn't sound like you are very compatible where do you actually see the relationship going? If.you told him clearly you didn't like it at Christmas and he did this I'd be walking away. If you just cried and expected him to understand he messed up that's kinda on you too. In the same way you don't like this maybe he had a previous partner who liked surprises.
Your reaction yesterday was over the top. You should probably spend some time on your own instead of moving from one bad relationship to another especially when you have a child to consider

Loloj · 15/02/2025 15:03

This is really odd. His behaviour is very strange - to leave you thinking you had no gift and going to bed letting you think that. When was he planning on giving it to you? Also the fact that he thought it would be funny shows a total lack of empathy (especially as he has done the same thing before). Then you sitting in bed crying about it (probably secretly hoping he would notice you were upset) when you should have just said something - far too much drama.

Differentstarts · 15/02/2025 15:00

But the important thing is did you get your photo for insta to tell everyone how amazing he is and how you're one lucky girl 🙄

Hazylazydays · 15/02/2025 15:00

sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 15/02/2025 14:57

But he DID provide something!

You didn't like HOW he provided the something

Show quote history

This!
He had a surprise set up for you, but it went wrong, is it really such a big deal.
Get over it and move on.

ArtTheClown · 15/02/2025 14:58

He's also bi polar. Maybe the surprise element is important to him

What has being bipolar got to do with that?

sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 15/02/2025 14:57

wandapower · 15/02/2025 14:41

@sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 I do have emotional baggage as does he but from my perspective, expecting a card from your partner on the global day to show love and appreciation to your loved one, isn't expecting the world.

And I've had two relationships in 9 years so not jumping from partner to partner. Current partner was a friend for 7 years prior to us becoming a thing.

I do need to work on baggage but I think I'll always think a partner should do something for valentines - even just a card. I don't think that makes me entitled or demanding. I always make an effort for these things so it's not one-sided.

But he DID provide something!

You didn't like HOW he provided the something

GOODforyourhealth · 15/02/2025 14:57

The whole relationship sounds very immature tbh. I'm guessing you're both young, and with no dcs hopefully. He sounds like he is a bit of a wind up merchant who plays with people's emotions which is not okay.
I don't know how long you're been together? It sounds as if you're aren't a match, and maybe should end it sooner rather than later.

Edited to add I knew somebody like this who also had bi polar. He would stop taking his meds on a whim. He treated his gf like a doormat, and didn't improve as a grown man either. The worst part was she let him, it got worse, and then they brought a child into this unhealthy situation. They split up in the end and there are still ongoing issues. He is incredibly emotionally abusive, and manipulative. She was always surprised when he did or didn't do something, when it was his whole personality, and nothing new.

dapsnotplimsolls · 15/02/2025 14:57

As he's done this twice now, you need to make it crystal clear to him that you don't enjoy the disappointment/surprise thing and if he does it again, he can bugger right off. What treatment is he having for his bipolar issues?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2025 14:56

Nanny0gg · 15/02/2025 14:47

He did ask you to go into the kitchen and you didn't. I expect that's when he thought you'd see everything

Show quote history

It was half 11 by then! Hours after she gave him her gift.

SpryUmberZebra · 15/02/2025 14:52

ImmortalSnowman · 15/02/2025 13:54

He tried to make an effort and surprise you. Not good enough if he doesnt do it exactly the way you want it. He can't win can he.

Stop justifying manipulative childish behaviour. He did the same thing at Christmas and she told she doesn’t like it and yet he does it again.

He should learn to know when a joke is over not continue like an idiot, he literally didn’t say anything until he saw her crying at 1am

His surprise involves seeing her upset and playing with her emotions. Is that what she is to expect for every celebration in their relation?

Nanny0gg · 15/02/2025 14:52

wandapower · 15/02/2025 14:41

@sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 I do have emotional baggage as does he but from my perspective, expecting a card from your partner on the global day to show love and appreciation to your loved one, isn't expecting the world.

And I've had two relationships in 9 years so not jumping from partner to partner. Current partner was a friend for 7 years prior to us becoming a thing.

I do need to work on baggage but I think I'll always think a partner should do something for valentines - even just a card. I don't think that makes me entitled or demanding. I always make an effort for these things so it's not one-sided.

If a Hallmark day is that important to you (as opposed to birthdays) then you need to make that very clear

I think you've gone way over the top

WiddlinDiddlin · 15/02/2025 14:50

Nah, this is shit.

What normal person wants to see their partner visibly disappointed, confused, upset?

Who the fuck enjoys that, which he clearly did as he has done it twice now.

Bin him off OP, this is a massive red flag!

Riiiiiight · 15/02/2025 14:49

Parlezz · 15/02/2025 14:06

You don't need a load of tat for for Valentine's Day to prove your worth.

If you can't be arsed clearing up after dinner in his house because you want to get in bed, then you do some work on your laptop randomly in the middle of the night, while waking him up crying for attention, you're really quite entitled and will stop people bothering to do nice things for you.

This

Nanny0gg · 15/02/2025 14:47

wandapower · 15/02/2025 14:43

I had no reason to go in the kitchen. I arrived at his in the evening, chilled while he got ready, we went out for a couple hours, got back and ate. We bought drinks while out.

He did ask you to go into the kitchen and you didn't. I expect that's when he thought you'd see everything

Nanny0gg · 15/02/2025 14:46

SwerveCity · 15/02/2025 13:54

It was 1am by the time he revealed the gifts and only because you woke him up accidentally? This is so weird.

Would have been earlier if she'd taken the plates to the kitchen?

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 15/02/2025 14:45

Fencehedge · 15/02/2025 13:55

I don't think this is the man for you, certainly not when you have a child. Poor (cruel) decision making on top of a psychiatric diagnosis = no.

Details are irrelevant really.
This guy is a no.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 15/02/2025 14:44

Londonrach1 · 15/02/2025 14:33

You have overacted. You got a strange idea about Valentine day. It's not the movies. Most couples only give cards. The tat in the shops is just tat. Someone who cares and looks after you daily is more important than show off on a day

Yeah but how hard is it to hand over a card when you first see each other?

Theres a lot of men on this thread.

Original poster
wandapower · 15/02/2025 14:43

I had no reason to go in the kitchen. I arrived at his in the evening, chilled while he got ready, we went out for a couple hours, got back and ate. We bought drinks while out.

OP posts:
Original poster
wandapower · 15/02/2025 14:41

@sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 I do have emotional baggage as does he but from my perspective, expecting a card from your partner on the global day to show love and appreciation to your loved one, isn't expecting the world.

And I've had two relationships in 9 years so not jumping from partner to partner. Current partner was a friend for 7 years prior to us becoming a thing.

I do need to work on baggage but I think I'll always think a partner should do something for valentines - even just a card. I don't think that makes me entitled or demanding. I always make an effort for these things so it's not one-sided.

OP posts:
Parlezz · 15/02/2025 14:41

wandapower · 15/02/2025 14:36

@Parlezz when he knew I wasn't going to see the gift, surely he would have gone to get it? Wasn't a very thought out plan.

Why are you so pathetic you won't go in the kitchen all evening? Maybe he figured you could get lost at this point and relented when you were blubbing in the middle of the night because he thought it might shut you up.

SnoopysHoose · 15/02/2025 14:40

I'm going home soon as I can't stop crying. I'm knackered and feel drained
Huge over reaction, think you need to be single and get some
therapy.

Gummibärchen · 15/02/2025 14:40

Jellycatspyjamas · 15/02/2025 13:58

I think you need to take time out from any relationship and process what happened with your ex before you start seeing someone. What he did was silly and thoughtless but your reaction was over the top - it’s not fair to bring baggage from your last relationship into this one, apart from anything else you’ll be looking for similarities and faults which is no way to live.

This is excellent advice, OP.

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