Valentine's Day drama

I'm really sorry but reading this it's simple.
You somewhat reached the conclusion to celebrate Valentines on Saturday. That's how I read it. So he's bought you stuff to give you on your planned day.

All this being-upset-hoping-he-notices-hint-hint is too much. Next time just say 'hey, you didn't get me anything?' And save yourself hours of this mood that ruins it for the both of you.

He’s an idiot.
He deliberately delayed giving you the present despite knowing how you feel about those things, doing it previously and upsetting you.
He delayed the surprise for his self delight rather than thinking of how you would be feeling.
And left it ridiculously late.

I think he did his best and you seem like you are a little oversensitive about the subject.
The level of detail in your post was quite hard to follow. I would say it's not worth getting furious over though.

Because it is a purposeful action to play with somebody's emotions. Identical behaviour to what I have seen before. Then at the end it'll be "well I got you a gift didn't I", and he will become the victim, while having enjoyed the mindgames in the process. Repeat.

I don't think this is the partner for you op. He clearly isn't on the same page as you and sounds very immature.

There is a strange view on MN particularly that no one should care/have any preference about Christmas,valentines their birthday, any celebration. That's fine for those in relationships where that's agreed. But not everyone has to live by that and to be different isn't being a princess.

I'd certainly not be happy in that kind of relationship. I love celebrating all occasions we only live once. But the key to it is having great communication and being really open about expectations. It doesn't work like the movies at all. It may feel like taking the fun out of it but it's real life. No one is a mind reader.

A healthy loving partner does not play with your emotions or want to see you disappointed.

By Mn standards my husband goes above and beyond but in reality its no more than adding a few extra things to the weekly shop. It's hardly high expectations or being treated like a princess, Men (and women)are certainly capable of it if they want to and that's agreed in their relationship.

You can absolutely find someone who will be on the same page as you op and values the same things. But it is your responsibility to do the self work if you are carrying any baggage. Then to communicate early doors about expectations down to the miniscule details. That person can always say that's not for me and that's a gift to weed out the ones not meant for you faster. By having secret expectations or expecting someone to change when they have shown us that's not who they are. We just waste our own time.

Op did clearly communicate at Christmas, and he has behaved this way again.
She needs to leave, couldn't be bothered to waste my youth on somebody like this.

Plenty of thoughtful men out there op who will get your cards and gifts, and make you feel special. You don't need to be with this one. I can only see a thread in 10 years time when kids are involved, and there are lots of LTB.

Why didn't he put the gifts out straight away, surely the point is you enjoy them on the day, not the next day. Just stupidity I would assume, he thought you would find them earlier, but at some point he should have dragged you kicking and screaming into the kitchen (not literally).

Christ who could be bothered with this drama? Bin him off and spend a bit of time alone.

YANBU. You need to feel emotionally safe through demonstrations of love.

Not everyone needs that, but you clearly do. Therefore, you must clearly communicate what you need. We can’t expect our loved ones to instinctively know or accurately anticipate what we want.

Looks like your bf didn’t intend to upset you. Sounds like he genuinely wanted to surprise you. But he needs to know that you need up-front validation of love, rather than elaborate surprises.

If you clearly communicate what you need and he still doesn’t get it or dismisses you as too needy or over dramatic, he’s not for you.

It’s sad that you couldn’t both just relax and enjoy the time together. You both need a more mature attitude to your relationship. His little trick was misguided, unwise and immature. Was it deliberately manipulate or is he just a bit thoughtless? Only you know for sure but I reckon that he thought his idea to trick you into thinking there was nothing, then SURPRISE was brilliant. Tell him very clearly never to mess you around like that again.

Your response was immature. You could just have left his house (not sure what you meant by ‘too late to leave’ if you’re only going to drive to your own home?). Not wanting to be in a relationship with a partner who disappoints you on every special occasion is understandable. You appear to be repeating a pattern except that on this occasion he did listen, he bought something but he messed up with the delivery.

Take the emotion out of things and be crystal clear about your expectations. Special occasion gifts are obviously important to you, just don't let your expectations or his silly ideas about anticipation prevent you from being happy together if you think you can be. StV is about love and love requires communication.

I can see why you are upset OP but you are over reacting too.
Perhaps he isn't the man for you. Please consider being without a partner for some time and learn to love yourself. You and your son will benefit from that.
Take care

They had a takeaway.

He got it wrong. He made you feel upset. Which is forgivable the first time, but not a second.

But I can't believe how dramatically you've behaved. Crying, sulking, exhausted, working during the night, sleeping separately etc. All because past boyfriends didn't adequately express their love for you with gifts.

As an outside, it seems as though his 'love language' is actions and yours is gifts. Neither of you seem capable of considering how the other might feel and how to compromise.

Agree with this, also like pp if a woman was posting saying she'd shopped and cooked for a special meal and her partner had sat about and wouldn't even carry the dirty plates into the kitchen to help, because too tired ...again he'd be getting called all the names!

His behaviour is very odd over the gifts - I would be upset too. Do you think it’s a control thing that he’s doing - it’s more than once he’s upset you and he knows it!

You do sound incredibly dramatic and needy to be honest. It's an awful lot of drama over cards and gifts! Take it from someone who's been married for 35 years - you've got your priorities wrong. What's important is how someone treats you every normal day, not what crap he buys you on an overhyped commercialised occasion. Is he kind? Is he fun? Is he interesting to have a conversation with, do you have interests in common? Does he do little things like make you a cup of tea and bring it to you in bed, or make you a hot water bottle if you've got backache? These things are a much more important indicator of his love and affection.

@Poppins2016 Absolutely reasonable not to like the approach. After the first time someone does that a mature person expresses that it upset them and asks them to please never do that again.
I disagree he was playing with emotions, I think he thought it was a nice idea to surprise gift and he did it at Christmas and thought it worked. She keeps comparing him to exes so maybe there was an element of him thinking (wrongly) that he'd act like that and then surprise her. Either way after a year and all this drama over needing gifts to feel worthy is ridiculous.

He was a bit dumb.

To be upset in bed that evening is understandable but to have gone home the following morning and still be crying about it, is a bit much.

I’m not sure you have dealt with your past relationships enough that you are in a healthy enough place that you should be dating anyone right now. Not sure you and this guy are very compatible on top of that.

Yes, it is a very insecure man that's behaves this way. It is cruel, and emotionally immature. I see this in those kinds of relationships where the couple will repeatedly name call each other, and think it is funny. There is just generally a lack of respect for op, and her feelings.

I watched a friend turn into an absolute doormat for a man similar to this. He would repeatedly screw with her head, saying he wanted one thing, then doing another after she got her hopes up. He was coercively controlling as well. An example is, they were supposed to go look for a baby cot, he said no, to upset her. He found out she was going to see a friend Instead . At the very last minute he said he would now go to look at cots so that she would change her plans last minute and prioritise him. He then made her feel she should be really grateful he had gone to look with her.
This was nothing compared to the other things he pulled, I cannot list them or it could be identifying.

Please leave him op.

You've worked out that the reason you get so upset when you don't receive a gift or special treat that would be normal on a particular occasion, is because of upsetting incidents in the past.
That's a useful thing to know.
BUT -it seems you are relying on present partners to remember your history and take extra care to give you gifts etc in order to avoid you being devastated.
That makes you extremely vulnerable and puts a relentless pressure on them to get it right for you.
It would be much more helpful to be kind to yourself by letting go of this expectation completely. Maybe you'll be given flowers and a card, maybe not, but you'll have a great evening with your fabulous partner anyway.
You might even ask people NOT to give you presents, and mean it. Not because you don't deserve nice things - you do - but because the gifts mean far more to you than is bearable. Every now and then someone might give you something anyway; if they do just say, Oh that's nice, thank you. Don't let it mean too much.

Are you serious?
What actually did was terrible- he didn't give her anything until after they'd gone to bed and she was upset.
That's not normal. That's not how you give a gift to a loved one.

I am stunned at all the pp defending him with "but he did something, you just didn't like how he did it" wtf?

Surely HOW someone gives a gift is as much a part of the "giving of the gift" as the actual gift

He deliberately did something to upset you, knowing that it would upset you because he did it before, and then punished you for being upset by sleeping in the other room.

Put him in the bin where he belongs.

maybe try being single for a while, grow up/get therapy.
Maybe try a relationship when you are in a position to not expect your current partner to compensate for the shortcomings of your former partner.

All this drama because of your unresolved issues. You wanna know the truth - men hate valentine's day and all this bs. And all those Insta posts are all for clicks and likes...why would you compare your life to someones made up fairy tale. How old are you you seems to be very young. I don't think you will ever be satisfied in any relationship because you don't have it all put together with yourself. I'm not talking about your partner because in the end this is solely about you. If you can fall apart so hard over this then what will life do to you when you start dealing with serious stuff. Do work on yourself, for your son.

Get some therapy, work on yourself before jumping into relationships.