Valentine's Day drama

It worries me how many posters wilfully or otherwise leap to the defence of a man displaying clearly 🚩 actions.

I might liven up Mother’s Day this year by making my mum feel I forgot about it. It will be an even nicer surprise when she realises the day after that I did get her something after all.

but wanted to make me feel like he had done nothing so it would be a surprise

This tells you all you need to know doesn’t it. Why did he want you to feel that way? It’s not normal to intentionally hurt people on special days, even if the hurt is temporary.

You’ve told him your ex used to ignore special occasions and that it upset you. Despite knowing this he’s chosen to do this not once but twice. It’s a weird cruel thing to do.

I would bin for this. And going forward you shouldn’t tell men about issues you had in previous relationships. This isn’t the first time I’ve read of men doing the exact same thing they’ve been told the ex did.

OP try googling 5 love languages. This might help with not only with your issues in past relationships but also current one.

Alot of problems & misunderstandings can arise in a relationship if the 2 people have different ways of expressing love. If you are both aware of your differences it can help you understand & appreciate your partner differently. Ive attached something from google below. Ive also read the book it was a revelation.

That being said your partner making you feel bad by trying to surprise you he had nb VD - well I think you need a frank discussion. He obviously hasnt understood from your reaction to Christmas that you arent taking it as a joke but are hurt by it, and that he is damaging the relationship by doing so. Some will say you are OTT etc, putting issues from past onto him etc etc. Maybe you are. We are all shaped by things that have happened in our pasts.

He needs to make allowances for that, just as you need to make alliwances for him.

The five love languages are:

Words of affirmation: Giving compliments or expressing appreciation
Quality time: Spending time together
Physical touch: Showing affection through touch
Acts of service: Doing things for your partner that they would like or need help with
Receiving gifts: Giving or receiving gifts

Marriage counselor Dr. Gary Chapman introduced the concept of love languages in his 1992 book The 5 Love Languages.

How to learn your love language

Notice what makes your partner feel happy or light up
Consider how love was expressed in your family of origin
Consider what your partner does to show love
Benefits of learning love languages
Learning your own and your partner's love language can help you create a stronger bond.

Research on love languages
However, some research has found a lack of evidence that couples are more satisfied when they speak each other's preferred love language.

Tbf buying you a gift and not giving it to you is stupid.

you do seem very dramatic though and a bit juvenile making such a big deal out of valentines.

one other thing as well you mention your ex a lot... I hope you don't bring this up to your new fella all the time. That would be enough to make anyone want to leave a relationship if you keep openly comparing the two of them.

🙈

Sooo romatic! Come on guys, how low is your bar???

You should re-read the order of events as posted originally by OP.
On the way back from the takeaway, OP said she 'felt a bit down' but she still had hope he would give her a gift.

After eating, DP asked OP to take the plates in ( how else would she find her teddy bear, wine and chocs)?

She refused, they went to bed and it was then she started to think about it more, while on her laptop, and "Silently Cry"............HE woke up, "promoted" her to go to the kitchen, it was then 1 AM and then she saw the gift.

You lot are making the DP into some kind of sadist.

In OP's words "turns out he had bought a huge teddy, with wine and chocolates but wanted to make me feel like he had done nothing so it would be a surprise"

DP apologised for making her feel forgotten, in OP's own words:
" He has bipolar and was upset that I was upset so he slept in the other room but said he loved me but he felt stupid and sad for upsetting me."

You know what I think: some posters on here don't want to read what OP wrote, and they love misery , especially at Valentines which many know it often shite anyway, and so are advising OP to LTB.
She doesn't have it bad at all with this guy, not by what she wrote in her intro.

OP, you both have baggage and it seems you both have communication problems too. Nobody can say how much of that for him, is down to his bi-polar. He isn’t able to ditch his bi-polar so you have to learn how to work around it -or decide you can’t to do that after all, and end the relationship.

As it’s not the first time this has happened, you could have talked about what you would do on together on V day before hand, so that he knew more clearly what you expected from him and more crucially, what you most definitely wanted to avoid. That would have been helpful to him.
You didn’t do that, yet still had the same expectations even though you had observed that was his previous pattern
It is obvious you will have to have that conversation before every gift giving occasion, every year, in order for him to be able to please you -which its clear he wants to do.
If you aren’t prepared to do that for him -and certainly, not everybody would as it removes spontaneity, then it’s best to go back to being friends with far fewer expectations on him so that he isn’t constantly failing you.

Hope you can work it out somehow.

So before he made you feel special, he wanted you to feel disappointed first? That’s not a surprise—it’s just thoughtless at best, and manipulative at worst. He knew this kind of thing upset you before, yet he did it again. That’s not forgetfulness, it’s a choice.

And this isn’t just a one-off. It happened at Christmas too, and now on Valentine’s. He knows you have past hurt around feeling unappreciated, yet instead of making things easy and thoughtful, he recreated the exact scenario that upset you before. That’s not an accident—that’s a pattern. A well-planned “surprise” shouldn’t come at the cost of making someone feel neglected first.

Then when you were understandably upset, instead of making things right, he retreated, sulked, and made it about his feelings. That shifts the emotional burden onto you—so now you’re feeling bad for being upset, rather than him taking responsibility for upsetting you. If he truly meant well, he would have adjusted the plan the moment he saw it wasn’t working, not just let you sit there feeling awful for hours.

And let’s be honest—the gift itself is a bit ridiculous. A giant teddy bear? That’s more about making a grand gesture than actually thinking about what you would appreciate. You said a card would have been enough. He didn’t listen. And the way he hid it, expecting you to randomly wander into the kitchen at 1 AM? If the goal was really to make you feel loved, he would have just handed it to you instead of sticking rigidly to a plan that only worked in his head.

Then there’s the plates situation. You were already upset, in bed, and instead of just doing it himself, he asked you to get up and do it? That’s just inconsiderate.

Now, instead of being able to process your own feelings, you’re doubting yourself. Calling yourself dramatic. Thinking you overreacted. But your feelings were entirely reasonable. You didn’t get upset over nothing—you got upset because your partner made choices that left you feeling unimportant. That’s a valid reaction.

This has happened twice now. If he truly understands how this made you feel, he won’t do it again. But if he does? That tells you everything you need to know.

The man has a mental health disorder which in many cases falls under the neurodiverse umbrella.The OP has to decide whether she loves him enough to accept he will have times where he doesn't realise the upset he is causing & either take it or leave it.

Where does it say he watched her being upset?

and at this point got upset and silently crying and rethinking our whole relationship

OP said that she didn’t say anything and got upset after he went to sleep.

She said he should have known because she got her laptop out but if my DH got his laptop out, I wouldn’t take that to mean he was upset.

He wanted to do something romantic because he knew what these gestures mean to her.
He should have kept on telling her to go to the kitchen but I guess he clumsily didn’t want to ruin the surprise.

I think some of these replies are a bit dramatic.

Right, so when man tells woman to take the plates into the kitchen woman should do so? Even when man is a lot nearer?

I didn't think that sort of relationship was what MN generally liked to stand for.

None are so blind as those who WILL not see.

Then a few years later when they entangled with an abuser, to the detriment of their children, they claim there were no signs. There always are.

This.

The BEST spin is that he is immature, awkward and completely lacking in empathy. Worst case he is borderline sociopathic.

Why on earth waste your time with such a person?

I don't get the big deal about Valentines Day but being sadistic about it and expecting to spring the celebration on someone at 1am is twisted and abnormal.

Maybe step back from relationships though and explore why you are letting other people's behaviour drive your emotions, sense of identity and sense of self-worth.

He really did not listen and respond. He listened and repeated behaviour he knew she didn’t like. He is definitely manipulating her, which is a great start in being emotionally abusive.
It amazes and concerns me, how many women don’t recognise the signs.

If that is the case than why did he watch op upset for ages? Telling somebody to take dirty dishes into the kitchen (after watching them upset for ages), isn't kind, it is unhealthy. There is no relationship to lose here, it is dysfunctional, and op will gain from it ending.

How is he emotionally abusing or gaslighting her.

She told him she likes men who makes an effort for these sorts of celebrations and he did just that.

He literally listened to her and did exactly what she wanted.

OP has said how much effort and gestures mean to her.

Handing over a card is hardly making an effort is it.

He had set up a surprise in the kitchen but OP didn’t go into the kitchen until the early hours.

She has a lot of emotional baggage from her previous relationships and she’s taking it out on him.

He can’t win.
And OP is at risk of losing this relationship.

And to add to those saying he was trying to get you to go to kitchen, too little, too late. Please bin him off and raise your standards. First valentines he was abroad and was going to give me when he came back. I was so upset I almost finished with him and explained how important it was to me. He’s not made the mistake twice. Your BF was already on his second chance.

"I’d have no time for this shit! Run! Oh and asking you to take plates out……nope!" Didn't he ask you to tak the plates in after your meal so that you would FIND your presents OP?

When you refused, he prompted you to go again, and THEN you found them?
YABU.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩you’ve told this man your history and he is now using that vulnerability to emotionally abuse you and then gas lighting you about it.
if he wanted to make you feel loved and special he would have done. You’re only a year in and he’s making you cry. Get rid.

Much ado about nothing.

I would be sympathetic were it your birthday, or Christmas, but not for the excuse for commercialism that is Valentine's day.

Who surprises somebody by telling them to go into the kitchen with dirty dishes in the small hours? Doing this also after seeing the op upset for ages; it is cruel and he enjoyed it.