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Original poster

Valentine's Day drama

216 replies

wandapower · 15/02/2025 13:49

Yesterday was our one year anniversary and Valentine's Day obvs. With my ex, he never used to make an effort over these things and it would really upset me and ruin all occasions. Birthdays, valentines, Christmas- I would come with thought out gifts and he would take them but give nothing back until I got upset then he'd buy something and apologise, state how much he loves me etc.

My DP knows this and know how important celebrating occasions and gift giving it - I don't need anything extravagant even just a card/flowers etc just something that shows effort.

I had my child until the early evening so came over to his house later in the evening. Our original plan was to go to cinema on the day like we did last year but I've just been laid off from my job so felt a bit down so suggested we do this on Saturday instead. I brought a small gift and card for him, nothing big. He took it but didn't read the card and didn't have anything for me. Cinema was booked up and it's a 3 hr film and it would have been a late screening so decided to just see it the next day. We went for a walk instead and got a takeaway. On the way back I started to feel a bit down that he hadn't got me anything. I thought maybe he had hid it and would give me a card or something but we got back to his, watched some of a series we were watching. He asked me to take the plates we used to the kitchen but I said no, he should as he's closer and I was in bed warm. After one episode I started scrolling on instagram and obviously saw loads of posts celebrating valentines so don't make it obvious but felt a bit down that again I've ended up with a guy who doesn't care to make me feel special or appreciated. He turned off the tv and seemed as if he was going to sleep. I felt really shitty and couldn't sleep so turned on my laptop and started doing work but was over thinking and at this point got upset and silently crying and rethinking our whole relationship as like I said, history was repeating. He woke up and promoted me to go to the kitchen again. By this time it was 1am. Anyway, turns out he had bought a huge teddy, with wine and chocolates but wanted to make me feel like he had done nothing so it would be a surprise. I was so upset by this point and felt stupid so was still crying and couldn't get happy over the fact he had actually done something for valentiens. He has bipolar and was upset that I was upset so he slept in the other room but said he loved me but he felt stupid and sad for upsetting me. I explained it's like he wanted to play with my emotions and I told him what my ex was like and how upsetting it was so don't get why he wanted to do it to me. He apologised again and said he knows he was silly for doing that but thought it would be a surprise. I slept alone in his bed wishing I was home and just feeling so shitty. It was too late for me to drive home by this point and if I had he would have felt bad too so I stayed but couldn't sleep and just felt so alone and upset. He came back in the room in the morning, loving and apologetic but I feel so emotional today. I'm going home soon as I can't stop crying. I'm knackered and feel drained.

I don't know why I'm posting here but I guess am I overreacting? I know he loves me but he did something similar at Christmas where he pretending he didn't get me anything until the end of the day where by then I had the same feelings as I do now. Surely he would have learnt that I don't find that funny. Just be normal and give the gift when you get yours. I feel like I'm acting like a child but it's bringing up bad feelings from my last relationship.

OP posts:
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Doodleflips · 28/02/2025 18:46

TheBlueRobin · 28/02/2025 16:29

My partner did something similar on our first Valentines Day. We'd only been seeing each other for a few months so I just got him a card that I wrote a funny poem, which he loved. and we went for drinks at the local pub. I waited all evening wondering if he'd forgot, got myself wound up and when I got home he presented me this card thinking I'd be ecstatic. And I was just so annoyed. I told him straight up, I appreciate things like this so do it properly. Stringing it out and making out like you're not bothered or don't care won't make the surprise better it just makes you shittier. He's never done anything like that since but has never once forgotten a Valentines or anniversary.

And this is the correct response.
He heard you and responded. Unlike the OP’s partner, who is a manipulative dick.
I can’t believe the amount of people defending him, and wonder what they must tolerate.

TheBlueRobin · 28/02/2025 16:29

My partner did something similar on our first Valentines Day. We'd only been seeing each other for a few months so I just got him a card that I wrote a funny poem, which he loved. and we went for drinks at the local pub. I waited all evening wondering if he'd forgot, got myself wound up and when I got home he presented me this card thinking I'd be ecstatic. And I was just so annoyed. I told him straight up, I appreciate things like this so do it properly. Stringing it out and making out like you're not bothered or don't care won't make the surprise better it just makes you shittier. He's never done anything like that since but has never once forgotten a Valentines or anniversary.

Picklelily99 · 28/02/2025 15:44

Gibe the guy a break for heavens' sake! Damned if he does, and damned if he doesn't! He's not your ex, stop holding him responsible for previous partner.

Duckswaddle · 22/02/2025 21:23

Christ what a lot of flapping, faffy, stupid immature bullshit drama from both of you.
You sound like you’re both about 12.

ZippyBrick · 22/02/2025 20:59

Fencehedge · 15/02/2025 13:55

I don't think this is the man for you, certainly not when you have a child. Poor (cruel) decision making on top of a psychiatric diagnosis = no.

Sterilise the people with diagnosis, it's only right?
What a horrible view in life

Skybluepinky · 22/02/2025 19:15

U r very very needy, he got u something yet in the lead up u act like a toddler, u’ll end up a really lonely person and u’ll have no one else to blame but yrself. Buying presents doesn’t mean they appreciate u more than those that don’t, big present buyers are often those that r cheaters.

Doodleflips · 17/02/2025 23:34

veryverytiredmummy · 16/02/2025 20:43

Ha! You're a drama queen. He's an idiot! If both of you are actually lovely people then sit him down, make sure you both laugh about how silly you both are then explain to him exactly why it's all so important to you and his it made you feel. You need to be really clear about that being your problem, not his.
Make sure he understands you recognise that you shouldn't be so over invested but explain that you are, you can't help it and you'll love him forever if he just makes sure you get the present early in the day.
Also tell him you love what he did and you're sorry his lovely surprise wasn't appreciated last night and explain that he doesn't need to work that hard for to make it special and that he does need to ensure any "moment" isn't lost.

He is being manipulative, and deliberately playing with her feelings.
no, she shouldn’t apologise, she isn’t being silly and she definitely shouldnt lie and say she loves what he did, because she didn’t.
He is a dick.

VBL · 17/02/2025 20:31

It sounds to me like you have an anxious attachment style .
As in how upset it made you feel means that it’s triggering something else for you. Maybe it’s your ex, or maybe you have other unresolved trauma . If it means a lot to you to have a card / gift then you need to make sure that is communicated so whatever partner you are with knows.
He did the right things but in the wrong way and that’s not his fault . Also it’s not a huge ‘let down’ so I think you need to keep it in perspective and get some help with your emotional regulation as it seems a little disproportionate.

Whatinthedoopla · 17/02/2025 07:50

Some men are not into this, I would suggest just doing something for yourself and child next time. You know what, do this for Christmas, father's Day and Birthday! I think then he will understand how underwhelming it is

Iceboy80 · 16/02/2025 22:32

Here is some free advice, don't go on to much about an ex to a male, it will push them away but as I said it's just advice.

veryverytiredmummy · 16/02/2025 20:43

Ha! You're a drama queen. He's an idiot! If both of you are actually lovely people then sit him down, make sure you both laugh about how silly you both are then explain to him exactly why it's all so important to you and his it made you feel. You need to be really clear about that being your problem, not his.
Make sure he understands you recognise that you shouldn't be so over invested but explain that you are, you can't help it and you'll love him forever if he just makes sure you get the present early in the day.
Also tell him you love what he did and you're sorry his lovely surprise wasn't appreciated last night and explain that he doesn't need to work that hard for to make it special and that he does need to ensure any "moment" isn't lost.

Changingplace · 16/02/2025 20:05

croydon15 · 16/02/2025 19:19

Had you gone to the kitchen when asked you would have seen your surprise, you were definitely overreacting.

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And once he realised she wasn’t going into the kitchen the onus was on him to make sure she still got the gifts, it’s ridiculous to push this back on the OP.

Dietlady58 · 16/02/2025 19:20

My husband (who sadly died some years ago) used to ‘forget’ Valentine’s Day. I never understood how he managed to do this as it was his birthday on that day. It was so hurtful.

croydon15 · 16/02/2025 19:19

Nanny0gg · 15/02/2025 14:47

He did ask you to go into the kitchen and you didn't. I expect that's when he thought you'd see everything

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Had you gone to the kitchen when asked you would have seen your surprise, you were definitely overreacting.

hcee19 · 16/02/2025 19:05

Valentines gifts cards etc is all a gimmick. Shouldn't take one so called special day to let your nearest and dearest how much we love each other.
I do think you over reacted , crying, bit ott?
I don't think this relationship is right for you.
I don't like the things he does hiding things, knowing you are upset, why would he do that....He isn't for you, if he is playing silly games now, what other stupid stuff could he do....Remember, you are always number 1, you come first, no one should be unhappy in a relationship., life is too short.

Imbusytodaysorry · 16/02/2025 18:54

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/02/2025 13:57

I think you both need to communicate better. You didn’t find it cute or a lovely surprise when he pretended not to have gotten you anything for Christmas - so tell him so directly. He was trying to do a nice thing and it fell flat - and he should be able to acknowledge that.

But I think if he’s constantly expected to compensate for how your ex treated you and modify his own behaviour and preferences because they remind you of your ex, this relationship is going to make both of you frustrated and miserable. Your ex is your ex. You need to leave him in the past, and accept people for who they are, not who they are relative to your ex. Nobody is responsible for putting right another person’s wrongs.

Edited

Seems more like he is trying to take advantage of the fact she had a shit ex.
Hanging out the gifts then the oh look at me I’d never not get you anything aren’t I great.
All the while playing with emotions and controling a situation .

He is a dick

JayJayj · 16/02/2025 18:03

After having similar issues I completely understand how you are feeling.

My husband used to be good with gifts and has slowly changed and it’s like he can’t be bothered.

It’s not about expensive gifts it’s about thought.

my husband for our anniversary said he didn’t get me a card he forgot. After the last few occasions he has had chance to improve I was devastated. Even thinking about divorce. I was so upset, he actually did have a card just hadn’t wrote it yet. It ruined the day.

I would say though that it’s up to you if you give him one more chance but if you do make sure it is the last or it’s years of upset and hurt.

CornishIrish · 16/02/2025 17:47

You don’t sound like you even like each other. Counselling for you might be an idea. You are clearly looking for something fundamental from a relationship that has nothing to do with the person you are with. You will unhappily bounce from person to person until you get your own head together.

TotallyFloored · 16/02/2025 15:35

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/02/2025 13:57

I think you both need to communicate better. You didn’t find it cute or a lovely surprise when he pretended not to have gotten you anything for Christmas - so tell him so directly. He was trying to do a nice thing and it fell flat - and he should be able to acknowledge that.

But I think if he’s constantly expected to compensate for how your ex treated you and modify his own behaviour and preferences because they remind you of your ex, this relationship is going to make both of you frustrated and miserable. Your ex is your ex. You need to leave him in the past, and accept people for who they are, not who they are relative to your ex. Nobody is responsible for putting right another person’s wrongs.

Edited

This

GOODforyourhealth · 16/02/2025 12:36

TagSplashMaverick · 15/02/2025 20:53

Have you totally missed the point that that poster is trying to make? 😬

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Yes, thank you for clearing that travesity up for me 🥵 My general comment stands otherwise, but obviously not to the sarcastic pp who I was agreeing with.

Keedoozle · 16/02/2025 12:26

@Doodleflips Thank you for explaining the "high/low bar" analogy. You're right, I should have simply said that OP set the bar a bit too high in this situation. If we can take OP's words at face-value, and really none of us know the true dynamics between the pair of them.
After all, her subject is "Valentine Drama", a one-off situation, which she, and others, perceived as a very cruel trick to play on OP.
My feeling is that DPs only fault in this situation is that he failed to 'present' the presents to OP himself. Unfortunately for him, he felt to surprise her would have been more fun for her. No one likes to be surprised, right? DP knows this now.
I betting all is well now with OP; teddy bear sitting pride of place, watching over OP and DP as they sip the wine and sample the chocolates as they celebrate one year of ( hopefully some) happiness.

Anyway, I was preparing for being attacked, and you responded to me very reasonably, and I thank you for that.
Too many times on MN threads, posters find it cathartic to rip those with opposing opinions to shreds for offering their thoughts on something that really, no one really knows the true details of.

VisitationRights · 16/02/2025 08:43

How manipulative and mean, especially knowing your history and the fact that he did the same at Christmas and it wasn’t well received.

FilthyforFirth · 16/02/2025 08:38

You seem to have a lot of exes, how old is your child? Being in relationships doesnt seem to make you happy and isnt healthy for your son to have a revolving door of men in his life.

The fake out was cruel, given you already said you didnt like it, so just another reason to end it.

Inmydreams88 · 16/02/2025 08:27

I think you both sound like you’re 15 years old and in your first relationship to be honest. You both seem to lack emotional intelligence.

greengreyblue · 16/02/2025 07:29

RedHelenB · 15/02/2025 23:21

Tbf he didn't. He prompted OP to go to the kitchen and take his plate but she would nt.
Card/ gift giving is such a tiny part of a relationship OP, communication is key. It's never too late to leave his house either, if you don't want to be there.

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But why was he doing that? Why didn’t he giver her the gift ?