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Original poster

To hate that funerals take place weeks after the death?

457 replies

Bloodybrambles · 15/02/2025 10:45

I have the funeral of a parent this week. They had organised every part of their funeral and as their death was expected, there wasn’t no postmortem. However, between the funeral directors, the church and the crematorium, the earliest date we could have was just under a month.

As my parent had been ill for quite a few months, I had to put life on hold just incase that I was needed/having to do a trips back to my home town. Also didn’t feel in the mood to be living life normally with everything going on.

Life in this country continues after death, back to work, kids needs to be parented, trips to the bowling alley etc. Can’t say life is completely back to normal but I’ve made peace with them passing and it’s no longer consuming my thoughts constantly. I know I’ll never be 100% back to normal but I feel like I’ve been happy again this last week or so. I’ve been singing along to the radio again.

What I feel like I’m dreading is the funeral. I feel like it’s picking at a wound that’s started to heal. My parent wanted a very traditional funeral, no expense spared, very somber, no ‘celebration of life’ type affair. DH says what they’ve asked for is completely normal, for people to be sad and mourn for them.

I’m just rambling now, but I wish we could have had this in the first week. I’ve already had to make peace to continue waking up everyday for my family. I don’t want to grieve again, especially in a very public, and ceremonial type affair.

I know I have to put on my big girl pants and go. This isn’t about me. But if I could choose to have a 24 hour bug I’d take it.

OP posts:
OpalQuartz · 15/02/2025 10:58

You'll feel relief after the funeral. It worked out better for us to have a gap as late dh's family needed to apply for visas from south Africa, but I do remember the relief afterwards

pizzaHeart · 15/02/2025 10:58

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How could OP be more proactive? Everything was specified but she needed to book a date which would satisfied others involved e.g crematorium, priest, funeral director… Do you suggest that she should have booked them in advance? And then what ? Notify her parent about date of their funeral? Don’t be ridiculous.

5128gap · 15/02/2025 10:58

I completely understand. After the death of my parents all I wanted was to recover slowly, day by day taking steps to normality. I found the waiting period very hard and that the funerals did set me back. If I had my way I'd not have had funerals. They offered no comfort or closure and served as nothing more than yet another harrowing experience to get through. I hope your wait isn't too long and the funeral doesn't add too greatly to your distress. Sorry for your loss.

Fencehedge · 15/02/2025 10:58

Yanbu OP. Funerals in my opinion are horrible, morbid, and only made worse by a long delay.

Honestly, if you don't want to go, I wouldn't.

Luckily more peoole are choosing a simple unattended body disposal.

"Paying your respects" is a nonsense.

The funeral industry is ghoulish.

maggiecate · 15/02/2025 10:58

It’s mostly crematorium availability. They can only put so many through the system daily so there’s a limited number of slots Fewer and fewer are opting for burial and not enough new crematoria are being built. In cultures where there’s a religious requirement for the deceased to be buried as soon as possible things still happen quickly. In Ireland funerals still happen quickly because burial is still the norm.

meganna · 15/02/2025 10:57

I will never understand this, our funerals in Ireland/NI are all 3 days after death, I've only been at one that was 6 days after and that's because of a close family member not being able to get a flight home until then.

cinnamonbunfight · 15/02/2025 10:57

Meandhimtogether · 15/02/2025 10:54

How come some people have to wait up to 6 weeks.
Yet one of our Jewish friends was buried within 2 days.

I’m Jewish and I was coming here to say that we have funerals as quickly as we possibly can. I’ve always thought it must be terribly hard if you have to wait longer. The Jewish way also takes some of the politics out of organising a date.

I don’t know what mechanics are in place that enable this, but I do think it seems preferable.

Jeezitneverends · 15/02/2025 10:56

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What? Book a slot before the person dies?🙄

GlimmerOfGold · 15/02/2025 10:56

Muslims have to bury their dead ideally within 24h. It can cause difficulties if there is a post-mortem etc.

Klovos · 15/02/2025 10:56

IsTheOffDutyDoneYet · 15/02/2025 10:53

Are you high? Where did you not see that the OPs parent had already planned everything out?? You can’t book a slot before the death occurs. Jesus tonight. Learn some manners too, rude.

OP, I am very sorry for your loss and having to go through a wait. You will be able to get through this, I promise. Be kind to yourself.

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I'm sorry if your upset about something in your life, but no need to take it on me. Not that I mind a lack of decorum, but it's derailing the post

BeaAndBen · 15/02/2025 10:55

It’s horrible, isn’t it. Mum died before Covid but there was still a 4 week delay. Everything felt in limbo.

Original poster
Bloodybrambles · 15/02/2025 10:55

GermanBite · 15/02/2025 10:53

What, you mean book the actual funeral before the person is dead?!

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Maybe a bit like a driving test. Could always push it back if you’re not ready? 😂🫣

OP posts:
JimHalpertsWife · 15/02/2025 10:55

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Maybe be proactive next time and read the OPs post.

Colacubegirl · 15/02/2025 10:55

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Maybe be less insensitive next time and plan to work on the way you talk to grieving adults.

Original poster
Bloodybrambles · 15/02/2025 10:55

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The funeral was completely organised prior to the death.

All what then needed to happen was the funeral directors to liaise with the Church and the crematorium to find a date and time that worked with both.

OP posts:
Meandhimtogether · 15/02/2025 10:54

How come some people have to wait up to 6 weeks.
Yet one of our Jewish friends was buried within 2 days.

x2boys · 15/02/2025 10:53

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How csn you plan the funeral ahead?my mums wasn ill since before Xmas, she was 82 and frail so the death wasent unexpected but she gould have potentially. Lingered for weeks.

ChristmasPudd1990 · 15/02/2025 10:53

I did wonder why John Prescott's funeral took so long? There was another celebrity death that took a while until the funeral took,but forgot who that was.

IsTheOffDutyDoneYet · 15/02/2025 10:53

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Are you high? Where did you not see that the OPs parent had already planned everything out?? You can’t book a slot before the death occurs. Jesus tonight. Learn some manners too, rude.

OP, I am very sorry for your loss and having to go through a wait. You will be able to get through this, I promise. Be kind to yourself.

GermanBite · 15/02/2025 10:53

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What, you mean book the actual funeral before the person is dead?!

Fencehedge · 15/02/2025 10:52

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Are you stupid? Or trying to be funny?

Loveduppenguin · 15/02/2025 10:52

Yeah to be honest I think that’s very long drawn out! Here in Ireland it’s all done within 3-4 days.

Klovos · 15/02/2025 10:52

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 15/02/2025 10:50

no-one books a funeral ahead of someone actually having died. That’s ridiculous.

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Not with that attitude

Printedword · 15/02/2025 10:51

With both of my parents it was a six week wait. Neither planned what they wanted for themselves. My father and I planned my mother's funeral. It was quite traditional. I planned a slightly less traditional funeral for my dad.

I think the process can be therapeutic and you will feel more closure afterwards even if it feels an ordeal at the time. Sorry for your loss and take care OP

ChristmasPudd1990 · 15/02/2025 10:51

There was a recent discussion on Jeremy Vine on radio 2, about 3 weeks ago. Apparently due to extra checks because of Shipman. Before,they only needed one Dr to sign off a death of it was expected ,now it's 2? Not sure why the delays now though,when this happened many years ago?

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