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Original poster

Group of friends never travel to me?

163 replies

Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 07:42

I know this is quite a common issue, but I just don't feel valued at all. I have a group of around 7 female friends I've known since college/uni and none of them have any interest in visiting me, none whatsoever.

I know people will cite anxiety, work, kids etc. But it's been years and they haven't visited once, just no excuse. I bought a house about 6 months ago and have tried to give dates for a housewarming a few times.
I messaged the group chat 4 days ago saying people were welcome to come round whenever and out of 7 not one person has replied or even given a thumbs up. I'm not saying they all have to jump for joy but it's just clear they can't be bothered.
Prior to this I lived in another house for 2 years and they never saw it. I've been to them plenty of times and have been very accommodating regarding their children and so on.

Over the years I've spent a fortune I don't have on baby showers, weddings, hens and so on. I travelled a couple of hours to see one in November and she didn't even offer me a coffee or anything, maybe I sound entitled but I didn't have to go out of my way.

I got a kitten too and again no interest from them in seeing it. Maybe they don't like cats but I'm sure not all 7 of them feel the same and many of them have had cats previously. I'd understand if it were a snake or something they might be afraid of but I just think when youre friends with someone you can at least try to show a little bit of interest and care.

Maybe I sound entitled. I have previously brought this up with them and they offered to meet me somewhere halfway but it just never happened. I'm willing to give months of notice, I just don't believe they don't have one afternoon ever in their lives. I'm an hour's drive tops but so are they for me if not further. Even if they said they'd meet me 30 mins away I'd appreciate the effort but it just doesn't happen.

I guess not much I can do but I just don't feel valued at all. I'm sure people will say oh they don't care you bought a house etc. But I was expected to care for all their life events and I did because I wanted to. What should I do? I just feel like they don't really care.

OP posts:
Whotenanny · 15/02/2025 11:30

Regarding trying to give people housewarming dates and I messaged the group chat 4 days ago saying people were welcome to come round whenever
This never does any good, tbh. You need to tell them I'm having a housewarming party at X time on Y date. Bring DHs and DCs. See you then!

It is pretty pants though, I'll give you that.

Savemefromwetdog · 15/02/2025 11:27

Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 11:24

I'm failing to understand this 'I definitely wouldn't travel an hour just to see someone's house' Can someone enlighten me?
I'm inviting them to a party at my home, not to come and stare at the wall.

But I wouldn’t see this as a party; sorry. It just sounds like please come and see my house.

I agree with the PP who said first houses when you are young might be something you celebrate, but when you’re older and on to the next stage, most people aren’t interested. I meet most of my friends out, we rarely go to each others homes at all, even when they live locally.

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 11:27

I have a cousin who lives an hour away and we go to each other's houses. She'd be delighted to come to a housewarming with her husband and my auntie and is just waiting on me to confirm a date. I've also travelled to hers a few times, so fortunately it exists.

OP posts:
MimiGC · 15/02/2025 11:24

I think you need to raise your bar a bit and not let people treat you badly. For example, if I had traveled an hour to visit someone and not been offered a coffee, I would consider that an unacceptable snub and I wouldn't go back for more poor treatment - she didn't forget to offer you a drink, it's the absolute minimum of manners, that absolutely everyone knows.

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 11:24

I'm failing to understand this 'I definitely wouldn't travel an hour just to see someone's house' Can someone enlighten me?
I'm inviting them to a party at my home, not to come and stare at the wall.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 11:23

Savemefromwetdog · 15/02/2025 11:20

I wouldn’t really go to a housewarming party, I remember my parents generation doing this, but I don’t think I’ve ever been invited to one, or heard of anyone having one.

I wouldn’t think of going to see a kitten either, sorry.

Did you move away, or did they?

What's the horror of it? So I should possibly wait until I'm pregnant/married if that happens to expect any sort of effort?

OP posts:
latetothefisting · 15/02/2025 11:22

Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 10:48

Fwiw I wouldn't expect them to come here just for a drink, I'd provide some food and drinks etc. If they were making the effort to come. If i won the lottery and bought a million pound mansion they'd probably still not come 😂

nah, they probably would make the effort then, as they'd want to keep in with you in the hope of getting expensive birthday presents or whatever.

OP, it's not nice to hear, but they aren't really your friends.
You say you're afraid of losing them as friends but what would you actually be losing? A feeling of rejection and time spent at events you don't even want to go to?

I honestly think you'd be better off writing them off and concentrating on other/making new friendships.

FWIW while I agree that it does become the norm in your 30s for meetups to centre around 'big' celebrations like hens/baby showers, it does feel shit when you don't have those things to celebrate. Even if you're perfectly happy with your life, it hurts when the people closest to you can't make the effort to celebrate things that make you happy, giving the impression your life is worth less than theirs because you haven't hit some random 'adulting' tick boxes.

People are focussing on the 'housewarming' element but it's not really that essential - OP is basically just asking 'can we meet up somewhere vaguely near me and for something that isn't related to your children for once in our friendship.' Even if they are busy and can't come to visit, a few posts asking for cute pics of your kitten or how you are decorating the house etc would be minimal effort.

Savemefromwetdog · 15/02/2025 11:20

I wouldn’t really go to a housewarming party, I remember my parents generation doing this, but I don’t think I’ve ever been invited to one, or heard of anyone having one.

I wouldn’t think of going to see a kitten either, sorry.

Did you move away, or did they?

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 11:18

Truetoself · 15/02/2025 11:18

@Coldandfedup456 they don't regard you as a friend. Why don't you see that?

They're free to make a new WhatsApp group and stop inviting me to their weddings and so on but they don't, so?

OP posts:
Truetoself · 15/02/2025 11:18

@Coldandfedup456 they don't regard you as a friend. Why don't you see that?

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 11:17

Can you explain how I come across as needy? Honestly. By inviting them?

OP posts:
Namenamchange · 15/02/2025 11:08

They don’t want to make the effort, because for them you are a filler friend, a take it or leave it friend. It’s harsh to hear, but it’s true. You need to stop expecting them to fill your need for friendship because they won’t. You need to start looking elsewhere, join other groups and forge friendships in other places, then you will need this group of friends less and their actions will hurt less.

we have all been there, and it hurts, however focus on what you can change, and you can’t change them.

Also you come across a little needy, step away from them and see if they come to you.

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 11:06

I could definitely understand if they also didn't bother with each other anymore but I know they phone each other and so on.

Maybe it's just me but I cannot imagine being invited to a housewarming and not even replying? Not even 'I'll let you know' or even just a bloody thumbs up? I just would not do that

OP posts:
JMSA · 15/02/2025 11:05

Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 11:00

Thank you. I'm sure people will say it's 'just' a kitten but I live alone and he's important to me, I don't have a 'little family' like a lot of them do.

Of course he is! 💗

AuraBora · 15/02/2025 11:04

abracadabra1980 · 15/02/2025 09:00

Kindly, OP, I am older than you. I still live and work in the area I was born, as did my parents and now my own children. I have a group of 'old' friends one of whom our parents were bf and we grew up together. None of us have much in common, but we have known each other for so long, (birth/primary school) that this is our bond.
At your age, and with the wisdom of my advancing years/observations of how friendships ebb and flow, I'd cut this group a little loose and look for friends closer to home. It doesn't mean they don't like you, but you are all clearly struggling with different connection needs, and you are getting nothing from the 'friendship' other than insecurity.
Maybe this is more you, maybe them, but the only way you can do this, is to stop feeling you 'should' make the effort for them.
Many of us, have been a slave to this thought process over the years. It's emotionally stifling. Set yourself free and roll on making new friends. They too may come and go. That's just life. I actually really enjoy my neighbours' friendship these days. A good chit chat gossip about the odd ones with a glass of wine and no travelling, is my preference these days.
Don't be sad, don't be bitter, try and accept that lives have moved on. Who knows, you could re-acquaint later on in life and enjoy the catch up.
Good luck 🤞

.

I was going to say something along these lines. I feel for you as it sounds upsetting but I think you need to stop focusing on it and understand that friendships change over the years and it would probably be best to concentrate on developing friendships closer to home.
I have a group of friends from uni who I see usually for a get together every year. Some of them see each other more often than that and I accept that they have closer friendships. Even at uni they did, I was a bit more on the periphery. However I enjoy their company when I see them and it's nice to stay in touch with friends from youth.. as long as the level of friendship/contact is okay for you. If I were you I'd probably stop making effort to invite them to things and accept that you'll only see them if everyone is meeting up together somewhere else.
It is also natural at this point in life for the meet ups to be events such as weddings, babyshowers etc. Was the same for me in early-mid 30s.

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 11:03

It was exactly the same when we were at a similar life stage. And they travelled an hour for the baby shower so they are capable of it. As I said even if they travelled just 30 mins rather than me having to go right on their doorstep..

OP posts:
JMSA · 15/02/2025 11:02

Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 07:52

I have tried not messaging them. After a while someone will post 'does anybody fancy meeting up soon?'
Then it'll be the usual high end restaurant suggestion. I have been to visit them individually where they live to, I'd love it if just once, just one day, someone told me they were coming to visit me. But it'll never happen. I also moved to a new city and again no interest from them in seeing it.

You need to match their energy toward you and just not reply Sad Either that or have it out with them, though it doesn't sound like it'll make a difference either way x

Waitingfordaffs · 15/02/2025 11:01

It sounds to me that you are just at different life stages - it’s not uncommon - you just have less things in common now maybe . Try not to take it personally . Distance and changing circumstances do change relationships - the more children you have ( especially if working ft ) the harder it becomes to fit other stuff in . I think you are wise to concentrate on new friendships and your bf . Some friendships do drift into the past without any falling out and I think that’s natural . It isn’t anything negative to do with you I’m sure

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 11:00

Thank you. I'm sure people will say it's 'just' a kitten but I live alone and he's important to me, I don't have a 'little family' like a lot of them do.

OP posts:
JMSA · 15/02/2025 11:00

Aww, OP, your post made me feel sad. Good friends would take an interest in your life and the things that make you happy.
Congrats on your new home and kitten!
I'd be hurt in your shoes and would distance myself Flowers

Cattery · 15/02/2025 10:59

@Juiceinacup This exactly x

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 10:59

When we went to this baby shower they travelled an hour or so to an area that was convenient for some of them. But I'm just an hour in the other direction so they are capable, they just don't want to.

OP posts:
Juiceinacup · 15/02/2025 10:56

They are not friends just people you know, they might have been real friends a long time ago but not anymore. Life is not usually like it is in films people don’t tend to have life long friendships, mostly people have different friends at different stages in their life. So move on put the energy you are using up in trying to maintain something that’s over into finding new friends who will be happy to share new experiences with you. If you still want to catch up occasionally with this old group of friends, you’ll have to accept you’ll have to be the one to travel so only do it if it suits you otherwise don’t go even if it’s a wedding or whatever.
I have one friend who I’ve known for about 50yrs, at one stage we didn’t see each other for about 10yrs but we clicked back into being friends straight away once we met back up, other friends have come and gone through my life I think that’s quite normal.

Original poster
Coldandfedup456 · 15/02/2025 10:54

Sorry i am trying to read through all the posts and reply. I appreciate the responses. Wrt having kids it was the same before the kids were born.
Wondering should i just throw out a random weekend in a month's time and see if they at least reply?

OP posts:
Cattery · 15/02/2025 10:53

If someone wants to see you they’ll find the time