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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you fall out with your adult child....

162 replies

charmanderflame · 15/02/2025 07:33

...If you felt they had criticised something about the way they were brought up?

My mum is currently not speaking to me because she feels I said something that criticised my upbringing.

It happened after she said she is going to dress my child up in pink frilly dresses like a little dolly if it's a girl (I'm currently pregnant). I said politely that we would rather go for more neutral clothing until they're old enough to choose.

She was annoyed, wouldn't accept it and kept needling me about why I 'won't let a baby girl look like a girl'.

So eventually I told her it was because I felt pressure in my childhood to look a certain way for her, which wasn't who I am, and I didn't really feel accepted for my true self. It's a personal preference and I just don't want to gender stereotype my baby before they can decide.

She is saying I am ungrateful and have made her feel like crap. She's giving me silent treatment and totally denied my feelings.

I know I probably shouldn't have said it but she was really pressuring me and winding me up about my parenting choices, and at the end of the day it's the truth.

YABU - yes I would fall out with my child if they said this.
YANBU - no, she should be a bit more humble and accept that no one is perfect

OP posts:
twinklystar23 · 15/02/2025 07:47

Sounds like shes taking the p* stating an extreme of overly stereotypical female clothing.
I tried everything not to have my baby son "stereotyped" the conclusion i came to was i could only do and influence what i could. I could not be constantly picking people up on everything, from comments (isnt he strong - hes a newborn baby ffs!) Or boys toys and clothes. It became more about striking a balance for fear of alienating people. Potentially isolating my son.

Original poster
charmanderflame · 15/02/2025 07:47

Flipslop · 15/02/2025 07:40

You sound like a very well rounded person. This is a great time to lay some ground rules about how your child will be treated.
your mums behaviour in this situation shows it’s all about her and when you step outside of however she wants you to look / behave etc she will reject you at some level, is this a pattern that feels familiar?
might be worth having some therapy before baby comes along to understand your mother / daughter relationship better before you become a parent too, could set you up best for how you want to be as a mum 😊
might sound OTT what I’ve put here, it comes from being in my forties now and having the realisation how controlling my mum is and has always been with me, nicely wrapped up in some covert narcissism.
congrats on your pregnancy, enjoy ❤️

Oh I've had a lot of therapy, believe me😅But not since/ about pregnancy, so I'm sure you are right!
This is her first grandchild and it's causing friction and things are bubbling up. So maybe a bit more is on the cards.
I'm sorry you've had a similar experience! x

OP posts:
MinnieBalloon · 15/02/2025 07:45

I just don't want to gender stereotype my baby before they can decide.

Decide what? You know they don’t get to decide their sex, right? It isn’t a choice. If you have a boy, they’re always going to be a boy. Same if you have a girl.

pootleondown · 15/02/2025 07:44

It's not up to her to decide what your baby wears, but from a mother's point of view it can be really hurtful to hear your child criticising their upbringing.

Yes she's over reacting, but speaking personally, I did my absolute best for my offspring so hearing them criticise that would be hard. That doesn't mean I got everything right, and I'm sure she didn't either.

Maybe she just needs a few days to think about it and will get over it (but no, I wouldn't stop speaking to them because of it)

MyPearlCrow · 15/02/2025 07:43

charmanderflame · 15/02/2025 07:33

...If you felt they had criticised something about the way they were brought up?

My mum is currently not speaking to me because she feels I said something that criticised my upbringing.

It happened after she said she is going to dress my child up in pink frilly dresses like a little dolly if it's a girl (I'm currently pregnant). I said politely that we would rather go for more neutral clothing until they're old enough to choose.

She was annoyed, wouldn't accept it and kept needling me about why I 'won't let a baby girl look like a girl'.

So eventually I told her it was because I felt pressure in my childhood to look a certain way for her, which wasn't who I am, and I didn't really feel accepted for my true self. It's a personal preference and I just don't want to gender stereotype my baby before they can decide.

She is saying I am ungrateful and have made her feel like crap. She's giving me silent treatment and totally denied my feelings.

I know I probably shouldn't have said it but she was really pressuring me and winding me up about my parenting choices, and at the end of the day it's the truth.

YABU - yes I would fall out with my child if they said this.
YANBU - no, she should be a bit more humble and accept that no one is perfect

I think this is your mum’s issue not your issue.

Nospecialcharactersplease · 15/02/2025 07:43

I wonder if she sees the irony that her disproportionately negative reaction to you saying that you couldn’t express yourself a child also prevents you from expressing yourself as an adult.

Flipslop · 15/02/2025 07:42

RandomMess · 15/02/2025 07:41

My DC have each all criticised my parenting at some point. It hurts but I admit I'm not perfect so I apologise.

What a healthy response! X

RandomMess · 15/02/2025 07:41

My DC have each all criticised my parenting at some point. It hurts but I admit I'm not perfect so I apologise.

Firenzeflower · 15/02/2025 07:41

It all seems a bit odd. But as a mother of one adult and two teens you do get a bit bored of criticism. I know it’s part of cutting/severing the umbilical cord but even low level criticism can sting.
Teens can be relentless - but when they all go on about things I dressed them in as kids it can sometimes be a bit much. I know I didn’t do it to my mum. They all agree they had amazing childhoods and I know they love me but it’s tedious.

Flipslop · 15/02/2025 07:40

You sound like a very well rounded person. This is a great time to lay some ground rules about how your child will be treated.
your mums behaviour in this situation shows it’s all about her and when you step outside of however she wants you to look / behave etc she will reject you at some level, is this a pattern that feels familiar?
might be worth having some therapy before baby comes along to understand your mother / daughter relationship better before you become a parent too, could set you up best for how you want to be as a mum 😊
might sound OTT what I’ve put here, it comes from being in my forties now and having the realisation how controlling my mum is and has always been with me, nicely wrapped up in some covert narcissism.
congrats on your pregnancy, enjoy ❤️

JustMyView13 · 15/02/2025 07:37

She just strikes me as quite selfish from what you’ve shared. Who gives a flying f*ck about what clothes an unborn child will wear.
Very bizarre. I suspect you’re not pregnant with ‘your baby’, but HER grandchild.

lollypops2303 · 15/02/2025 07:36

YANBU in my opinion. Your mums reaction seems uncalled for.