Would you fall out with your adult child....

It's a tricky time when you have your first baby. It changes how you see your mother, especially if she wasn't a particularly good parent. And not everyone makes the transition into being a grandparent smoothly either. My own mother went a bit batshit over my first, was very possessive and odd, and also got very upset when her wants/feelings weren't put front and centre. (so I don't want to say be warned, but . . . be warned).

I'd had a very difficult childhood because my father was awful, and compared to him she'd seemed like a good parent, until I became a parent myself and realised that simply wasn't true. There hasn't been a catastrophic falling out but there's a lot that's been left unsaid. And she quickly got bored of my kids anyway and they became low priority as soon as they started walking and talking.

Yes, but making boys only wear blue when they want to wear pink, makes them think they need to be a girl to wear pink. Forcing stereotypes creates this idea that sex can be changed or is an identity, not a fact of biology.
The OP is being very pragmatic in letting her daughter wear dinosaurs cos dinosaurs are cool not because they are for one gender!

Sounds about right.

Your mom will likely (hopefully) soon come round, apologise and move on.

Just remember that some of what you do as a mum will also be wrong. Parenting doesn't come with a manual.

We were very much dungarees, leggings, brown, orange, yellow - parents of 2 girls. "Why aren't there any pictures of me in a dress?, I like pink you know, I am a girl. I really didn't like the outdoorsy stuff, walking in the rain was horrid".

Was a bit knocked back by the (seemingly constant) criticism, but realised I was the same with my mum, and she with hers... all part of detachment from teens onwards.

Frilly dresses on a reflux baby (or an explosive breastfed one) sounds like a circle of hell.

Any frilly dresses that come from your mum should meet that fate.

I said politely that we would rather go for more neutral clothing until they're old enough to choose.

If you saw a beautiful pink dress you loved would you not get it because of the colour?

Bizarrely some mums can't cope when their daughters get pregnant. Mine acted similarly, like everything I did with my children that wasn't to her liking, or not how she did it, somehow made her feel attacked.

We don't talk much now.

Your mother was spoiling for a fight - she started this !

Wow, your mother's reaction seems very off the mark to me! You are perfectly entitled to say what you said!
All my adult children have very occasionally criticised an aspect of my parenting and why wouldn't they, I wasn't perfect. Like a PP, I don't like it, but if justified, I apologise, explain and we move on. So no, I would never fall out with my adult children over that.
I would also say that your mother is overstepping boundaries- it's not for her to decide how to dress your child - that's up to you and the child's father!

Ynbu You only told her because she pestered you. I think it's odd that a grandparent thinks that they get a say in what clothes a small child wears and that they care that much and I enjoy making clothes but if I have a grandchild I'll check parental preferences first and not make anything under 1 as they grow so fast.

This issue aside, I’m guessing you have a somewhat thorny relationship with your mum?

Maybe she meant whether they wear neutral or pink frilly clothes. It is the mum who is linking pink-frilly with being a girl.

Yes, as a mother, it stings but one of the most liberating things I did was choosing to say “we’ll have to agree to differ on this.” to my own mother. It demonstrates that I don’t agree, but that I don’t need her permission to have an opinion she doesn’t like.

You don’t need to have an argument with your Mum, she obviously doesn’t have the mental resilience to cope with it. Just live your life, as you wish too. She got to dress her child as she sees fit, you’re going to do the same.

You could have just said it's not your style, rather than referring back to what she did to you in childhood. It's easier to be assertive (and therefore get your way) if you don't involve emotion and express things factually.

But too late now. Just be clear you don't want frilly pink dresses etc and your baby won't be wearing them. If she's upset and you don't let it get to you, the only one suffering is her.

And to answer your question, no I accept my now grown up children first who they are and respect their choices.

She sounds like she's deliberately trying to wind you up about your yet to be born child, and then takes umbrage when you give your opinion. Tiresome and pointless, why do that, what does she hope to achieve picking a fight with you?

a good reason not to engage or feed her unpleasantness. Be the bigger person.

is she normally an attention seeker

This is going to go on and on- you need better techniques for handling it, or you’ll be forced into this situation repeatedly and end up going totally no contact- which is a shame for all, I feel.

Have you read about grey rock? It’s about managing situations by keeping everything superficial and emotionally neutral.

You have a few stock phrases and avoid being backed into a corner where someone has to lose face.

It sounds as though you really need the phrase ‘We’re not going to treat her like a dolly.’
That will work about naps, weaning, clothing, pass the parcel for cuddles etc.

Your mum sounds a bit nuts and very stereotypical. My MIL was a bit like this. She dressed her first granddaughter (from her DD) in frilly little pink dresses, frilly socks etc. I thought it very impractical (and way too pink! ) so when I had my first DD a couple of years later I made a point of dressing her in dungarees and leggings, and avoiding too much pink. Possibly some of that stemmed from my own childhood as I always preferred jeans and trousers, and playing with my brothers Lego and action men. I was not a dolly pram or tea-set type of girl and I'm glad my parents never pushed that on me.

This all sounds like there’s quite a backstory OP

Not obvious.

All I can take from this is that quite frankly you’re being ridiculous.

I'm assuming that you know that your Mum doesn't take criticism well?

If so, you're unreasonable because you knew how she'd react

You're not unreasonable to feel the way you do about your childhood

It can be wearing and tiring to hear criticism of the way you brought up your child. However I think an apology and "when I know better I do better, thanks for explaining" is healthier than a manipulative silence

Sounds like you’re set up to be a great mum ❤️if only our parents had some level of self awareness hey.
best of luck OP x

Oh honestly, not everything has to be an opportunity to be an ideologue about bloody gender and sex. I don’t have strong feelings about it either way but I’m so sick of people who are on high alert for any opportunity to make their point about it, however tangential to the conversation it may be. Do you have any advice for the OP about the issue she actually cares about?

They get to decide if they want to be dressed in pink like a doll
what exactly is the motivation for your comment?

Decide what? You know they don’t get to decide their sex, right? It isn’t a choice. If you have a boy, they’re always going to be a boy. Same if you have a girl.

I assume (hope) op means until they can decide what they like to wear, not til they can decide what sex they want to be