Would you fall out with your adult child....

Honestly, I think you were both in the wrong. It seems a bit extreme for her to be ignoring you though.

Of course you were right.
she asked;
you explained;
she got ombrage to you being honest? Thats her issue not yours.

you ve put up the boundaries to protect your unborn child. Good on you. If she cant deal with that thats her problem.

you? You move on now. And if she breaches the subject again: just repeat what you say with kindness and honesty until
she gets the message.

plus it isnt her baby to “dress up like a doll”

Take a step back.

You are inflamed that a grandmother, excited about a baby girl, had expressed to you, openly. That she is excited to dress the baby in something pretty, and pink.

what is the problem? Pink or pretty? Or that she wants baby to wearing something she thinks will be lovely.

Should she have said … “can’t wait to dress baby in beige onesie. I don’t want to conform to heteronormative gender stereotype. Do not want people to comment about baby’s appearance with gendered words. Looking forward to concealing her gender until she can decide. “
That would be the mental grandma to be wary of!

BTW …people will ask baby gender and then say the words … handsome or pretty. Get ready.

I wouldn’t, because pink washes me out.

I know I probably shouldn't have said it but she was really pressuring me and winding me up about my parenting choices, and at the end of the day it's the truth.

Why do you now feel you probably shouldn't have? Solely because of her awful reaction. She's trained you to capitulate to her.

You'll need some very clear boundaries in place before you give birth, which she will absolutely give you hell for attempting. Limiting contact is probably the only way.

Have a look at the introductory post on this thread:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5272966-february-2025-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

Totally this!

Also, if you have a 'spiky' relationship with her, be prepared for all of that to come into sharp focus when you have your own child. You might want to rehearse or think about how you will approach or react to the inevitable.

'They do not mean to, but they do'...Philip Larkin was not wrong....

I think she's being unreasonable to make a big deal about it.

Is it your first baby? My SIL has just had her first baby and of course my Mum went straight in there with her "helpful" suggestions which were all based on her being a wonderful parent. My SIL just ignored most of it TBH as it was so dated and we all just ignored my Mum when she went on about various things like babies sleeping on their sides not on their backs etc.

There's a lot of crap about gender at the moment - people saying "being their true selves"! Gender stereotypes are back in fashion, despite us breaking them in the 1980s.
It seems to me that the media, politicians and schools are pushing 'gender identity' very hard and kids today seem so desperate to conform to it.
Perhaps your Mum is picking up on this and very rightly worrying about the type of society her grandchild is growing up in.

If she is like mine was, she will never apologise. Took me decades to work that out. However, she did let things subside and move on.

I had 2 sons and I now have 2 grandsons. If I'd had girls they would have been dressed as stereotypical girls simply because I could (and because I never was). As PP said, you are doing what you want. Your mother did what she wanted . You will be no more perfect a parent than the rest of us . Your time for criticism will come.

I genuinely wouldn’t care, I’m fed up with typically feminine things being demonised while typically male things are celebrated. We act like pink frills are disgusting on girls but fine on boys. I dressed my daughter in primary colours because that’s what I liked but the minute she could choose for herself it was pink glitter sparkly unicorns and that’s 100% ok.

We all project our own taste onto our children as babies.

You are doing the exact same thing as her.

Neither of you are wrong, you are just being judgy about it.

My father was a child psychologist. I was born in the 60s and I'm female with 2 younger brothers. I was dressed in dungarees and trousers in neutral colours because then they could be passed down to my brothers I'd have killed to wear pink and frilly .

Same here.

my ds is who is now 25 with a family of his own has often told me about how shit things were for him as a child ( and they were, I was in a dv relationship for years)

it hurt but the fault is entirely mine, I should have walked away sooner, we’ve talked about it, I’ve apologised, we both see things from each others point of view and hopefully we have some kind of closure.

my dm on the other hand never acknowledged the harm she did to me and my siblings as children and I swore I’d never repeat this with my own dc

Sounds a bit like your mum is upset with you for not respecting her parenting choices while simultaneously not respecting yours.

Just give it time - if you otherwise have a happy relationship she's probably just a bit hurt and needs time to feel a bit sorry for herself before resuming your relationship.

She sounds a bit of a pain. Just let her stew for a while. This isn't worth falling out over.

Mine too..
My 17 year old DS has ADHD and struggles to regulate his emotions (and his mouth! 😂). One day I’m the best mum that ever lived and the next the worst on the planet. Fortunately after raising 2 sons with ADHD I’ve got a pretty thick skin.
On a more serious note though I’ve never had a problem with either of them disagreeing with me or questioning my decisions. Like you, I can admit I’m not perfect and have made mistakes.
I’ve been honest and said most of the time they were growing up I was winging it!

No advice but a funny, if somewhat reassuring, ditty to share. Phillipa Perry has just released a new book all about relationships so my friend ordered it on Amazon. There was a promotion on so she could also add another book in which same author had written about parent child relationships and how you'll wish your parents had read it, and your own kids will be glad you did. She ordered both books. When they'd arrived at her house she unboxed them and had them sitting on the coffee table. Her mother called in for a cup of tea, clocked the books, asked what they were and when friend said "oh just about relationships and upbringings" her mother said "give me the name of that author, I'll get in touch and tell her how I raised you beautifully and wouldn't change a thing!" Straight face, not even a hint of understanding the irony of the situation!

Sympathy OP I have been through similar and I had therapy which didn't help one bit.

Whilst I agree with other posters it's hard to accept criticism of your parenting, it's about bringing open and honest as well as admitting where you went wrong and apologising. Because of my situation with my parents I also try to explain to my DC why I did and why sometimes why I would do the same again.

Your mother sounds like mine, never done anything wrong, cannot discuss anything difficult on an adult to adult basis, tells blatant lies, makes things up. My dad backs her up in all of this. I now don't engage and often grey rock, it works for me. We do have a relationship but it's not as close as I thought it would be growing up.

It’s a self fulfilling thing: the Mum who made dressing you all about her own image is the same Mum who insists on the same with your baby, the Mum who needles you over your opinion rather than listening… that’s the Mum who then throws a tantrum when you tell her how you feel.

I wouldn’t fall out with grown up Dc because I wouldn’t do any of those things that led up to the situation. I hope.

My mum wasn’t argumentative like your mum, who was definitely pushing for a fight, but I had to be so careful with how I said things because she definitely could see me doing things differently to her as criticism of her. She was more passive aggressive about it “Well I suppose you must be upset I gave you inferior nutrition when you were a baby then …” - if I gave a defence of breastfeeding for example …She was pretty good though around me having babies because luckily she remembered how fierce she felt about us.

I think you may be less lucky with your mum, her needling away at this small and quite common preference that you had the gall to express is a bad sign.

Presumably til they decide whether they'd like to conform with the stereotypes associated with their sex.

You know a preference for frilly dresses isn't hard-wired into girls yes?