Would you fall out with your adult child....

Because it gives insight to how unreasonable people are being. If OP is only buying neutral until baby can decide their own taste that is a bit daft, if neutral over stereotypical colours are OP tastes then that not so daft. Ops mum made a comment about pink frilly dresses which is not a crime to say, plenty of people gush over cute pink baby clothes. Her mum not speaking to her is a massive over reaction.

I can't envisage any situation that would stop me talking to my children. We'd discuss it like mature adults. Your mother is being very childish.

Absolutely never chase someone who is punishing you. Amateur move. Enjoy the peace. She’ll be back.

I mean for a baby, a dress that would look lovely on a baby

You're not unreasonable.

It sounds like she's emotionally immature. I suspect there's more that you could criticise about your upbringing, but it doesn't seem like your mum would be open to a discussion. Don't feel guilty, you did nothing wrong.

It sounds like all this is a pattern.

I empathise!

“ she should be a bit more humble and accept that no one is perfect”

OP, that no-one is perfect is a self-evident truth, but few of us care to have our imperfections raked over - and frankly, what point, after the event? To expect her to be humble, though, is quite another matter, and I can understand that if that is your expectation, she won’t give along with it. Your DM parented you as she saw fit; as with all parents, there are good bits and bad bits, but there are ways and ways of going about telling your DM. You want to dress your child neutrally - that’s fine and your prerogative - so tell your DM that frills are out because they’re a pain to launder, and you’d prefer neutral colours to pink or blue. You’ve attacked your DM over something about which she can do nothing - are you really saying that you were dolled up like Shirley Temple while all your mates were in dungarees? You’ve clearly upset your DM, so you will have to find some way of making the peace- I have no doubt that she is looking forward to being a grandmother, and frankly, if you do have a DD and she buys her a frilly dress, then take a photo, send it to your DM, and don’t put her in it again. Your child, your choice - but you don’t have to fall out with your mother over it!

I don’t think the op will gain anything from telling her mother she didn’t like the way she was parented - her mum sounds very difficult, you might think that giving honest feedback is going to help but it is more likely to inflame - that’s the ops choice - her mother will never change.

She sounds like she's being silly. You're going to be the parent and you get to dress your baby to your taste until they're old enough to object and have their own opinions (around 2.5/3 in my experience).

If OP, completely unprompted, told her mum that if her baby was a girl she wasn't going to dress her in pink, girly stuff as she hated how her mum dressed her when she was a child, you would have a point.

However, it was her mum who brought up the subject of how she would dress OP's baby and when OP said that she preferred more neutral colours, she became argumentative and demanding, telling OP that it would damage the baby.

She is now sulking and refusing to speak to OP. I don't think that it is OP that doesn't have a filter. She has also said that she has had loads of therapy about how to deal with her mum. I don't think that OP is the bad guy here.

OP is not inflamed about anything. She says:

'She just kept pushing on it and being argumentative, demanding that I explain why I won't let a baby girl be a girl, telling me it would be somehow damaging for the baby etc.

It got to a point where I couldn't see any other way than to explain, I felt quite hemmed into a corner to be honest and like I had to defend/ justify myself.'

The problem is not that she wants to dress OP's child in pink frilly clothes, it's that she wants to override OP's decisions about how she wants to dress her baby. She dressed OP in pink frills when she was a baby/child even though OP didn't like it. It was her prerogative as a mother to choose her daughter's clothes. It's now OP's turn to decide how to dress her baby. It also sounds as though her mum was spoiling for a fight and deliberately goading her.

Your mum was just goading you with her comments as she obviously knows your views on pink/sparkly sterotypically girlie clothes. She obviously just wanted an argument.

She's had her turn to be a mum with you and did exactly what she wanted. It's your turn now and I would let her sulk and I certainly wouldn't try to contact her to appease her or to apologise.

Who cares what someone else buys for their baby? The post is about the OP’s relationship with her mother, who is refusing to talk to her over an inconsequential issue. The fact that the OP doesn’t want to dress her baby in pink frills is neither here nor there.

@Newname71 much the same here!

My eldest is in her late 20s and is now more compassionate about who I was back then. Undiagnosed ND parent who had parenting that has left me with cPTSD.

Even my youngest admits she was a hideous younger teen at times. Then in the next breathe how awful I am 🙄😬🤷🏽‍♀️

The short answer is no. I can't imagine anyone NOT criticising at least one aspect of their parents version of their upbringing. Nobody gets it right all of the time! Not even the best mum in the world.

Tell her if she didn’t want to hear your opinion she shouldn’t have pushed you.

She’s had her turn dressing you up like a doll as is her right as a mother, it’s now your turn to choose how you dress your child, she dosnt need to like it but needs to grow up and accept it.

Be careful, she sounds like she will ignore your wishes and go all out pink just to spite you.

You told the truth when pushed OP. A powerful moment. Hold on to your values for your DC. Agree with grey rock. Have used it for forty years with my DM much less conflict.🙄.

Can’t believe we still have segregated aisles of toys and clothes - flowers for girls, dinosaurs for boys. For goodness sake can’t we let them just be humans and choose once old enough. (DDs given lots of bright primary coloured practical clothes in 90s). Not about reassigning sex as PP, but about not limiting anyone in confining cliches. Just say clearly what your wishes are and then ignore any pushing of boundaries and her not respecting them(pink frilly dresses often shrink in the wash or accidentally go in the charity bag).

Have a few bland phrases ready to bat away future comments eg “ Everyone's different aren’t they?” (careless shrug), or if feeling brave: “Well it’s our turn to be parents now so it’s up to us isn’t it?”, Or go to the loo/hear the doorbell ringing/be needed urgently by DC.🤣

My dd went down the pink route - her choice not mine! But the whole “pink stinks” thing was large at the time - she starting loving pink in secret. I felt so angry at the stupidity of targeting the hatred of pink so aggressively that an 8 year old girl feels she has to hide all her pink things. She still loves pink in her 20s.

This. I would get some therapy before baby is born OP, maybe seek out some transactional analysis which looks at relationships and childhood. Your mum sounds like she is used to getting her own way. Falling out with you over this is very childish. If she doesn't reflect on what you have honestly revealed and come back to apologise to you then you should not waste anymore energy thinking about it. I agree with other posters that now is an excellent time to set some boundaries with her about how you want to do things as a parent. This is your child not hers.

If you generally get on ok, then let it ride...
Honestly there will be times when she messes up as a grandparent and you as a parent and clothing preferences aren't the hill to die on.
She feels hurt because your reaction, while perfectly reasonable, was also hurtful... no one wants to be told they were a crap parent no matter how old they are.
I have four adult kids, and now two grandchildren and I'm sure I made plenty of mistakes when they were small, and many more that they were clear about when they were teens(!) but we have a very good relationship as adults because we work at it. It might have been kinder to say that you prefer neutrals but Granny can do the odd pink dress... :)
In the long run your child will have her own preferences anyway... my dgs started in gorgeous Frugi striped leggings and tops and at 3 is suddenly only wanting to wear superheroes...such is life! DGD is just a week old and while she will be wearing mostly her brothers stripy leggings and tops, I did pop out for a little pink velour babygro for the sheer novelty of it (didn't know the sex and we all thought she would be another boy so it was a surprise..I was there are the birth ..when the midwife turned her over!)

As she's not the sort to apologise just let it ride... it will pass:)

I think it’s quite hurtful when you do the best you can for your child and they throw it back in your face years later. As a parent no matter how hard you try, your kids will always find some reason to criticise and if it something constructive you could change going forward it would feel more constructive- but it’s often the thing that was such a small thing at the time but has developed a life of its own. I don’t agree with the way your mum has handled the situation - falling out etc but a little bit of sensitivity on your part wouldn’t go a miss. No way did I want to bring my kids up like she did me - but why on earth would I tell her that - I’m not 13 years old, I’ve got a filter.

In her place I would shrug and say "It's your choice for the world we live in now, just as it was my choice for the world we lived in then."

And leave it at that. She's being childish.

As the DM of adult DC I think any comment about my parenting has to be taken on the chin. Your DM needs to accept that things were different in her day and that you will make choices for your dc which may not align with hers.
If she wants a good relationship with you then she needs to keep quiet. This is your dc not hers.
I’m sure my dd’s have said the odd thing about my parenting but nothing major. I wouldn’t disagree, may be a little sad I had got it wrong but explain why I did what I did.

It sounds as though she is either oblivious and can’t see that she has made mistakes, or is insecure and is projecting that on to you.

either way, it’s up to her to sort that out in her own head.

were you an 80s/90s child? The photos from my childhood make me laugh now, the dresses my Mum bought for us were very pretty don’t get me wrong but a very certain style, which I think was of the time.

She probably thinks she was doing her very best and is stunned to hear that you didn’t agree with her taste.

Be prepared for her forcing her ideas about everything on you

all seems a bit unnecessary op and you do seem combative, you have not had the baby yet?