Would you fall out with your adult child....

You think this shows a “loving grandparent”?

My mum is huge sulker and used to give me the silent treatment when she didn’t get her own. I’ve recently started therapy and the counsellor has told me this is abuse. I have to let her know each time she does that it’s unacceptable and I won’t respond to it. I was terrified at first and she has told a family friend I’m bullying her but turns out it’s very freeing. Honestly it’s harder parenting her than my own child. The sooner you draw the line the better, I allowed my parents to bully me for years and it’s hard to suddenly form healthy boundaries.

My mom wanted my dd in mop caps and frilly knickers when she babysat she changed her then changed her back and I pretended not to notice

But did you give enough f*cks to have relationship threatening rows about it?
Seems like OP’s DM does. Which is frankly wild.

I suspect those that want to dictate how other people dress their baby, before their babies are even born, haven’t got much else going on in life.

Absolutely ok to be excited once the gender is revealed, but I think you can see this isn’t what this post is about.

Sorry but this seems so dramatic - limiting contact with a loving grandparent for this is absolutely batshit IMO.

Your mum is trying to sulk and emotionally blackmail you into doing what she wants. I imagine it’s usually her way or the highway? And suddenly there’s something that’s not hers to control and she does not like it one bit. Hold your ground- my mum dressed me up like a dolly and I absolutely hated it, I was a massive tomboy and know that this was a great source of disappointment for her. Like you I spent my tweens and teens feeling uncomfortable in clothes that didn’t feel like mine because she refused to buy things I liked. I’d never subject my child to the same treatment.

To people like the op yes
to me? Would have LOVED it!!

Same here! The perfect parent doesn’t yet exist.
I too say sorry for making mistakes.

i bought my niece a beautiful white Babygro with pink roses on it,
is that wrong?

Loads of people give a flying fuck. After 3 boys I was delighted to buy pink baby gros with fairies and flowers on. My Mum and MIL were delighted to buy girly clothes too for the first grand daughter. It’s bonkers people aren’t allowed to say this anymore. I love my girl just the same as the boys but yeah buying pink pretty clothes was part of the appeal.

Yes I agree with that. I think i originally looked at the pink frilly dress description and cringed at the frilly part, not the colour part. I wouldn’t and didn’t shun pink clothes.

It might not be what OP plans, but the 'sad beige' thing is quite recent. I have a friend whose 18 month old DD has never been dressed in anything that isn't beige, cream or a shade of brown.

I've often wondered what would happen if I turned up with a clothing gift in pink, or blue, or yellow. But a mutual friend told me that it would definitely be put in the bin.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/nov/22/the-rise-of-sad-beige-parenting-how-primary-colours-shiny-surfaces-and-fun-got-banished?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other

Same with me...I was never allowed all the sparkly pink things I wanted as a child, and was made to feel embarrassed, as if they were no good and I shouldn't like them. Now I get my DDs all the 'beautiful' sparkly things they want, because that's what they like.

I never particularly liked really frilly over the top dresses either. Mine had sleep suits, dresses with tights, leggings and tops which usually were pink or had pink on them. I just find it odd that someone wouldn’t use a colour like pink because it’s known as a ‘girl’ colour and opt for neutrals until the child can decide for themselves what colours they like

I mean for a baby, a dress that would look lovely on a baby

I wouldn't be drawn to a pink coloured anything because I don't like the colour pink. I wouldn't think something would look lovely if I don't like the colour.

I think though that its not just clothes, its the "girls are pink and frilly" message.

If you had brought it up out of the blue then I might have thought you were being a bit U but when she starts saying what SHE will do with YOUR baby then she can f the f off.

You are inflamed that a grandmother, excited about a baby girl, had expressed to you, openly. That she is excited to dress the baby in something pretty, and pink.

what is the problem? Pink or pretty? Or that she wants baby to wearing something she thinks will be lovely.

The problem is the grandmother deciding she wants to dress a baby (that isn't hers) a certain way without waiting to see what the parents choose.

Should she have said … “can’t wait to dress baby in beige onesie. I don’t want to conform to heteronormative gender stereotype. Do not want people to comment about baby’s appearance with gendered words. Looking forward to concealing her gender until she can decide. “

Why does she need to say anything at all about how a baby will be dressed? Why not say she can't wait to give it cuddles or tell it stories or anything else? My MIL commented on some onesies we'd bought before my daughter was born, "oh but you want your baby all dressed in white" I said, no I don't they will be a nightmare to keep clean, she said "right enough, those ones won't stain" and that was it.

BTW …people will ask baby gender and then say the words … handsome or pretty. Get ready.

Mine was dressed in neutral stuff, people rarely asked, mostly they used "beautiful" If they asked, I told them, it really was no big deal. Not everyone wants to slap a big bow on a bald baby just so people know it's a girl.

I’ve just finished listening to a very interesting podcast called Unfollowing Mum which addresses estrangement and parents inability to be accountable to their adult children for rupturing that occurred in their childhood.
I’ve told my 3 adult children to please address any issues they uncovere once they have their own children because although I tried my best I know I ruptured the relationship at times and although apologised for some things I’m sure other aspects of sub optimal parenting will come up. I’m very happy to listen, apologise and work through it with them .
Having a baby is a very triggering time.
I also read Philippa Perry’s book and thought it was excellent.

No I never fall out with my adult DS. I don't interfere for a start. If they wanted to dress a child up like Bozo the clown that would be their problem. I help them out whenever I can and make myself scarce if I need to.
Nobody wants a domineering mum/mil. There is respect all round.

The silent treatment isn't a bad option with someone that dysfunctional. Just get on with other stuff and more pleasant people

I think that’s fair enough and you obviously felt like you had to defend your choices. I would say however as someone who’s parents are no longer around, that unless your mother is a generally horrible person I would try to appreciate the fact that she is clearly excited and wants to be involved with your daughter. What she would choose to dress your baby in really isn’t that important. Sometimes my MIL says or picks things for my children that wouldn’t necessarily be my own choice, but ultimately that’s mostly a matter of taste or generational ideas, and I know that she loves them and it never comes from a bad place.

She can’t get her own way so she’s sulking. She’s the child.

Oh god, OP. This gives me chills (and flashbacks 😥)

Your mum sounds so controlling.

She doesn't like what you said so she's giving you the silent treatment.

She controlled you as a child, and now you're an adult, it's harder.

If it hadn't have been about the clothes, it would be about something else.

I hope you have support to put boundaries (and massive walls) up.
You don't need someone like this in your life, or your family's, although I appreciate having been brought up to tread on eggshells, it's much easier said than done 💕💕

Yeah I agree with this - it was maybe a bit unnecessary and hurtful to bring this back to your own childhood rather than just differing taste in baby clothes.

It feels like a lot of people these days who had objectively good childhoods are desperate to try and pick fault, usually with a therapist. Having tried therapy myself and never stuck at it, I felt very frustrated by their efforts to pin every problem I might face as an adult on the fact that I had a working mother 30 years ago etc etc. I think that’s absolutely fair if there has been actual neglect or negligence but there is no one right way to parent anyway, so it feels a bit pointless to get hung up on something that isn’t necessarily wrong and may just have been a difference of opinion or the way things were done at the time. In 20/30 years is there going to be an influx of adults going to therapy to deal with the consequences of their parents’ “gentle parenting”? Possibly - but those parents are probably mostly doing what they feel is the best for their children with the information and resources they have at this present time.