Aibu to think OH shouldn’t go on family holiday without us?

I agree! Sounds like OH is the first issue.

Sounds like MIL is reaching out to include you. If this was my son, I would be there to support him 100% but I would still be trying to support you all. Your marriage sounds awful. Perhaps his family see it too but are making a huge effort to include you and grandchildren. I think the issues are yours. Do you have family and friends?

Op, I know first hand how hard family relationships can be. But kindly, I think you are overthinking. By all means choose not to go, but let your husband take your children. It’s his family and you should not make him choose.

your approach sounds a bit immature. In laws can be hard work but how you react makes a huge difference to your own happiness and that of your children.

They should just leave you at home and they can have a lovely time.

I would go on the holiday.....if the relationship between you and the rest of the family is as you say then your presence will surely piss them off. On the other hand, you being there and starting to behave like an adult might might just build some bridges.

and then had the audacity to send me a message saying “thinking of a holiday to France in June, and wondered if you would like to come with the girls and DP?” She’s just devious 😤

What is devious about asking you directly if you want to go?

Well tbh, it just sounds like you don’t get on with your in laws- everybody clashes, fair enough. Not everybody gets on.

I do understand that it feels your DH doesn’t have your back about the issues, sounds like you feel he’s minimising your feelings to what has happened in the past.

But your marriage sounds far from stable, he’s likely reluctant to step away from his family when you have split up in the past, to the point you have immediate access to a new life without him. I think if a woman was writing that on mumsnet about her husband, the replies would be saying don’t cut off your family!!!

In this instance, I’d give my DH your blessing (not that he should need it?) to go on holiday with your in laws and go no contact with them all. In the future, leave your husband to do as he pleases with his family.

Maybr it will improve your marriage?

I can't see what MIL has done wrong. It’s important for children to have a relationship with grandparents independently of the parents.

My MIL tried to use a child car seat with a broken clasp but I didn't fall out with her - we just got hold of another one from a friend & asked them to use that one.

You need to stop taking offence at every slight thing they do & try to make sure the children have a relationship with DH & his family. Could he take them on his own?

No one knows what they were saying

the Op was no doubt sitting there with a face like a smacked arse feeling left out. Not pissed off with what they were saying but pissed off she wasn’t involved in the conversation

This. But in addition, your relationship is clearly not happy (lots of break ups, planning for another break up). He’s their son/brother so probably they ultimately think you’re better separate and having a chance to both find happy relationships, and making it clear their loyalties lie with him.

No, we don't, I assumed; but the tone of the OP suggests it wasn't good!

This all seems very dramatic and frankly not the sort of relationship that’s ever going to meet your needs.

You come across bitter and resentful, perhaps it’s time to actually move on, instead of living in a state of perpetual half-leaving limbo.

But we don't know in what way they were discussing her. There's a difference between saying their niece is really good as swimming and wins medals to someone wondering about swimming lessons for their child, and calling their niece a brat.

This is never ever ever going to happy in this scenario. Guaranteed

I don't think any of us can fully understand the complexities of your relationships with his family members based on the small amount written here. Maybe it's a lot worse than you're implying, because the examples given aren't horrendous, and people are judging (perhaps incorrectly) based on the OP.

Does your bf ever go on holiday with you and the children alone? His family sound a bit enmeshed if they always go on vacation together, and having something booked for you, without your input, would be annoying. As you're already quite separate in terms of housing, finances etc, maybe it's time to call quits on this relationship and start anew?

I think more examples of why you're unhappy with ILs might help people determine better whether this is a 'you' issue or a them/DH issue. Two other thoughts - how serious is your relationship with DH now, is it otherwise strong? If so I'd say it is worth the effort of working with him to try to get ILs in better place so you can go eg apologising for going ahead and booking when you said no, apologising for any negative comments pre baby loss etc. But if they don't address those issues I agree your partner should stand by you and say he can't go. I also think perhaps you need counselling to address sensitivities around the baby loss as depending on what ILs said, given they couldn't have known what would happen, you may be viewing what they said unnecessarily harshly and need tp process the trauma.

On the other hand if the relationship is shaky, which it sounds like it might be, there's no sense in preventing him going and potentially causing family problems for him. Instead I'd decide was the relationship worth it if he doesn't prioritise you and DC over his family. Controlling behaviours require clear boundaries and if he can't put those in place then you will keep encountering similar issues.

they sat talking about my DD with another couple without involving me in the conversation when I was the 5th wheel sat at that table essentially
Did you challenge them about this at the time? Nobody would get away with discussing my child in such a way.

You lack self awareness in spades. If you've fallen out with this many people, it is almost certainly you. Your partner is happy to go and take the children on holiday. Let them go.

You have a separate house? Child maintenance?

Why are you with him?

Sounds like you are very sensitive.

Separate properly. It must be hard for your kids, all this instability.

I mean you know them and we don’t so maybe they are the worse people in the world but I don’t see the drama over these examples.

you shouldn’t be punishing your children though , so why don’t your partner and the children go and you stop at home

First post nailed it.

Perhaps there is a backstory because the examples you’ve given are minor and I can’t imagine falling out over them?

What I’m getting from your post is that your the problem but for some reason want to blame everyone else. Maybe you should spend more time examining what part you play in all of these problems and spend a little less time focusing on all the things you think others have done.

You’re the problem

Another thought, if this has happened 3 times prior… she must have known you wouldn’t be going before she booked it. It would annoy them more if you went as they wouldn’t be expecting you to!! Now, if I was petty…. (Which I’m not lol) I’d be going along this time.. might stop them booking it again!