Aibu to think OH shouldn’t go on family holiday without us?

He can still be with his family without you.
As hard as it is, do you really want him to go nc with his own mum?
He could go on 2 holidays, one with his mum and siblings and one with you and the kids.
Compromise is good.

You sound like hard work with a victim complex. Get some therapy.

You sound deluded, if your falling out with a lot of people & on/off breaking up with your husband constantly the problem can't all be them can it? You have a you problem.

It sounds like you are the problem here OP

This. You are also denying you dd a holiday with their extended family. Sorry girls you can’t go and have a wonderful time because mummy doesn’t want you to go cuz she doesn’t like granny.

So you have festered and simmered about awkward interaction at a funeral (when no one knows what to say, or is ‘themselves’ ) for 5 years? And despite your previous refusal to go on holiday they are still welcoming you, inviting you to go? (Aka ‘being devious’ )

OK, many people find group family holidays with the ILs stressful.

If you really can’t relax and see that it usually takes two to create a feud, fine, decline. But you have no business expecting your partner not to go or to stop him taking his DD’s.

Don't go then, sounds like you really don't want to anyway.

I'd let him go and take his children to spend time with their family if you really don't want to go.. It's not really clear what they actually have done wrong to be honest. There's no way I'd sit at a table of four people and not include myself in the conversation about my own child. Your sil also wasn't aware you were going to have a mc although it was a strange conversation, were you really young at the time. It does sound like you are quite young still from all the drama.

It sounds like he enjoys spending time with his family, which is fair enough. It sounds like you need to be a bit more adaptable and fit in with them.

The car seat thing, is the only real clear cut thing you mentioned. I agree that is not acceptable, the proportional reaction is your DD can't go in the car with MIL again. Your DP should have backed you on that issue.

This!

Don't deny your children their relationship with their grandparents. Rise above.

Either break up with your partner, or just get with on with it with his family. None of it sounds that bad. People can be inconsiderate and rude in all families. I think you should go and behave well yourself, not be too ready to take offence.

Move on, be happy, enjoy a lovely holiday your girls granny has arranged and kindly paid for. Have a wonderful time playing in the pool with your little ones with full-time childcare there when you want/ need a break and that will help with the day to day of family life. Let your little ones have fun with their family.

Maybe it’s difficult for him to be on your team when you’re being dramatic and falling out with people over the smallest of things.

Let things go, don’t fester and make them big otherwise life will become very miserable for you

Why do you feel you can’t leave him OP, when you have everything you need in place including the finances to do so?
It’s not clear what your actual status with your OH is. Do you live with him full time? If so, why do you need to maintain your own place ?

It sounds as if you are half in, half out of the relationship.
That must be confusing for your OH (as well as your two DD’s.) No wonder then, that he agrees to go on holiday with his family if there is no stability in the relationship and you keep leaving him, rightly or wrongly. And no wonder his mum books the holiday for her family to include you because she also never knows if you will happen to be or out of the relationship at any time in the future.

Given the facts as you tell then here, it is possible that you have a problematic communication style and take offence easily. For example you are adamant that you won’t speak to his brother and gf but take offence that they only say hello to you occasionally. I’m sorry you lost your pregnancy but it’s unreasonable to take offence at them for that, as if they should have known this fact in advance of your sad loss.

Could you try to look upon OH’s mum and brother in a more kindly way. In spite of your constant leaving and then going back again, his mum still wants to include you in the holiday. And similarly his brother and gf still care enough to be worried how you will cope with the practicalities of another baby. If you were at the table with them they were probably trying to discuss this with you. Why didn’t you either quietly and genuinely reassure them that everything was in hand and well planned for, or politely shut the conversation down.

I would also be very worried about you OP. Why on earth would you be wanting another baby with this man when you are always leaving him, only to go back, -and even you don’t know why you keep on with this self destructive, toxic cycle.
Another baby won’t miraculously make things better for you. Please, please make sure you guard against another pregnancy until you feel much more settled, stable and completely happy that the baby will have two loving parents in the same home.

OP, this is the third time ypu have been in this position. His family is his support system. Nothing will change for you, unless you make the change happen for yourself.
If you can’t face the holiday, let your OH take his DDs and use the time on your own to reflect about what you really want for your future …..and to then make a proper resolution to commit fully and wholeheartedly, one way or another.
This current constant turmoil must be so stressful for you and your children.
Hoping you can help yourself a little bit, to get into a more stable home life, free from unnecessary stress. Good luck.

just feel like he’s never on my team

This is the biggest issue. Forget the holiday. You are focusing on the wrong thing.

never feel like I can leave

This is what you need to work out. Why keep going back to someone who is treating you badly? Where is your self esteem? Why do you have no agency? You already have a separate house. Most of the work is done.

This, and it's the dc I feel for in this mess, on/off parents. Living with dad/not living with dad...
Op do you manage to hide your hatred of their dad and his family from them?

I read through your post twice and still don't understand why you've fallen out with everyone. The in laws, his brother, his girlfriend and even your partner to the extent you have a separate house!

I don't see how they are the problem here unless there is a whopping great drip feed and to be honest if I were your partner I'd be taking the kids with me on the holiday. Why should everyone else miss out on spending time together because you're constantly falling out with people?

Yabu.

Fine if you want to sulk and not go on the holiday,but no way should you be deciding the children also can't go...dad gets a say in that and if he wants to take them then you should not automatically get to veto that without discussion. The girls could go and have a lovely time with their dad and wider family.

You seem to be the common denominator here
I would read MiL's message as an invitation, not a devious act.
Considering you have a separate home and have split several times, it appears you don't get on with anyone including your " partner"
I don't think continuing a relationship with anyone is a good idea.
You hardly mention your DDs yet they are the priority

How old are your DC znd how many? From a purely practical point of view, if you have lots of littlies, it's a bit unfair of him to leave you with them a lot. If their older, not so much.

Either way, send the children with your DP. There'll be more people about with him, to care for them and you can have a break, as someone up-post said. However much you don't get on with your in-laws, unless they're abusive, your DC deserve a relationship with them, so it's win-win.

The thing about the phone apology from the brother - sounds like your DP and his brother decided. The SIL may well have said "I'm not apologising over something from 5 years ago, that wasn't even a big deal" or similar.

If everyone else is the problem, then you are the problem.

Haven’t read the whole thread so apologies if I’m repeating but could it be an olive branch from mother in law?? Imagine if she’d booked the holiday excluding you and you’d had to post ‘don’t get on with mother in law or brother in law but am I being unreasonable for not wanting husband and kids to go on a hol I said I wouldn’t go on’, you’d be upset at the lack of invite. So actually I think it’s a good sign that she’s ignored your request and invited you anyway. Your husband wants a relationship with his family and as you get older, the opportunities to spend time with them gets less and less. Be careful that the grandkids don’t miss out on a hol and time with their grandma and family because of your own feelings about them.

Theres probably so much more back story but I have terrible memory.

The back story can’t be that bad if you don’t remember it.

You seem determined to cause issues on the holiday, your relationship is very rocky. Don’t go, but you can’t say “me and the girls aren’t going”, you don’t own them and if their DF wants to take them on a family holiday he can.

This sounds more like a you problem than an inlaws problem.

Let your DH take the kids if you don't want to go.

Without knowing the other sides story, I’ts hard to tell if it’s you or them, OP
I don’t get along with my SIL either and I’ve agreed with my dh that meals together like Xmas or Easter or things like that are fine, but no way would he expect me to spend a week on holiday in the same house as that woman.
I wouldn’t stop him from going on a family holiday with her and their parents if he wants, but myself and our child won’t be there , his choice