Aibu to think OH shouldn’t go on family holiday without us?

THIS
You sound difficult and unreasonable OP. Your MIL disrespecting you due to child face to face and not rear facing ???????????????
Living separately ????
I'm not being unkind when I suggest you may benefit from some therapy.
Please consider.
YABU +++++++++

You don't have to go but you can't and shouldn't stop him going. You might not like them but they are his family

I wouldn’t distance myself from my family for an on/off girlfriend, children or not.

You seem unreasonable much of the time with a lot of extended family.

Bow out, get your own place ready for you to move in.

You are being very controlling with expecting your husband to not go on a vacation. The only thing I see where an in law has overstepped was front facing instead of of rear like you asked. The rest, meh. I think you've projected a lot of negative feelings on your sil because you associate her talking about how you guys were going to manage things with kids with a loss you didn't even know had happened then. There's a lot of petty stuff here. Certainly not enough for you to demand your husband not holiday with his extended family.

Why not put your grievances aside and try for a fresh start? Watch your kids enjoy themselves and let things go.

Wait, you aren't married? Then you're way, way out of your lane making demands like he not go with his family on vacation.

He's not your OH though is he. He's an on-off boyfriend who you don't have a committed relationship with. You are quite volatile yourself and your ongoing disruptive interactions with various members of the wider family make it very difficult for any of them to build up a good relationship with you. Your boyfriend has every right to maintain good relationships with his kith and kin - it would be different if he was yoir husband and had vowed to "forsake all others and all else" in which case it would be reasonable to expect him to put you first. But he hasn't promised that and given how uncertain your relationship is, it wouldn't be appropriate for him to do so.

Your DH's family are probably fed up with the doubtless drama around the getting together, splitting up, getting together again.

Two decent options..
1/ You all go on holiday and you are polite but sometimes make sure to do things by yourselves - quality time together with your husband.
2/ You stay home. DH and the children will have a great time and you will be well rested at home and caught up with your hobbies and friends..

Yeah and some people are just horrible! As we can see!

That's enough MN for today.

Deviously booked a holiday, give me a break.

Why are you falling out with everyone? Your DH hasn't. ?

This is his family you are invited, you are choosing to continue this! fine if you don't want to go but of course your DH should go. He hasn't fallen out with them and they are his family

If it was a man telling a women they couldn't see their family your reaction would be very different!

Also non of the things you have mentioned are something to go on contact about. They were talking about your daughter with you there and say they didn't involve you ...they absolutely were. They were talking about your daughter so you join in the conversation ""yes she growing up so quickly" etc

You really do seem like hard work and unnecessary drama

Can’t believe she sent you a message and invited you on holiday, what a bitch.

OP, maybe there’s a lot more you could share that would change people’s minds but going by what you posted, I get the impression that you may be a little (or massive) part of the problem. You appear to have issues with most of his family so…is it all of them, or is it you?

Either way, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with him going himself or with DD’s on holiday with his/their family. You don’t get to tell him that he can’t go just like he never gets to tell you the same.

You don’t have to go regardless.

Why are you together? Sounds like you dislike your husband too.

In what way?

No, most people get on with the family of the man/woman they love.

also - I’d literally be raging if my DP responded like this to a message from my mum. He would NEVER get to speak for me and decide I wasn’t going on holiday with my family. Luckily he isn’t a knob

Exactly, you're denying your children some lovely holidays. Why not them all go and you have some time to yourself?

This is a very angry Op, very unhappy and ANGRY. The type to stew and fester over perceived injustices. Prone to drama and theatrics. Must make life very very hard for those around her

So you are invited every time (and his mum makes the effort to message you directly to let you know you are definitely wanted along) but you always say no (and presumably prevent your children from going too).

What do you want him to do? Surely you aren’t trying to prevent him going too? Because that would be really controlling ….

Ditto
my mil is now my ex mil but we still message almost daily
and none of my close friends have poor relationships with their in laws. Quite the opposite in fact

In my experience getting on well with your in-laws is the norm. You might be forming your opinion by basing it on mumsnet posters, who don’t seem to like their in-laws. IRL, I don’t know of any that don’t get on.

Tbh, you’ve broken up a few times, and your dh obviously wants to keep his family close, because he may need them with your relationship being so fragile. And I can’t see that because your mil messages to check about booking a holiday for you all is ‘devious’. Sorry to say the problem is probably you as you’re the common denominator for all the fallouts it seems. It can’t be a coincidence….

Yes. A thoughtful diplomatic response,that will nail it. I commend your skilled linguistics

You don’t go then. Stop dictating whether or not he go though.
Your relationship with him sounds shaky, so work on that both set realistic expectations
Clearly there is a mutual dislike on both sides, his family don’t like you,you don’t like his family. So, remove yourself from a holiday were it’ll inevitably be terse

Sorry OP but you are a parent and you have to think of what's best for your DC in this situation as well.
Why would you deny them a lovely holiday with their father and grandparents?
I absolutely couldn't abide my MIL but I did everything I could to stay polite and I made sure that she had a relationship with her grandchildren.
I often book large holiday cottages and invite my grown up DC and their partners along. It's not controlling, there is no expectation for them to come. It's just an invite "we'll be here on this date if anyone feels like a free break". Sometimes they join us and sometimes they don't. It's fine either way.
To tell your partner that he can't go is very controlling.

A lot of doormats and pushovers commenting on this thread.

Apparently they don't see child safety as a big deal.

And the people who love their in-laws family are an exception not the rule. And of those who do get on well, even fewer would like the thought of holidaying in a private villa.

I'd just reply back with something neutral saying "Thank you for the kind offer but we're planning to do something else, I hope you have a great time."

And immediately book play dates and tickets and days out (staggered) so there will always be something in the way of you going.

2 set of people. MIL and BIL, hardly 'everyone'. I guess you haven't read a lot of threads where people are NC with entire families. I suppose you would victim-blame there too and say its them that are the problem.

Family dynamics are tricky. You're victim-blaming. Two people isn't 'everybody'.

Thanks for letting me know @Peachy789
@Peachy789