AIBU for Not going to a wedding I rsvped yes too.

I'm assuming the bride isn't your best friend? [You mention two pairs of best friends]. I think just be really clear with bride that you want her to have a wonderful day but you've dropped out partly because you had this really exciting opportunity but mainly because you've felt excluded at every stage, which has made you realise the others don't care about you as much as you care for them.

Generally, yes, I agree. However, if it's since OP agreed to go that she's been left feeling like the outsider while they all have conversations that shut her out and are insensitive, I can understand why she would back out of paying a fortune to go somewhere for more of the same. I wouldn't want to pay for that either. Under the circumstances, I might not care that it inconvenienced them.

You could just be kindly honest with the bride

Something along the lines of “I enjoy your friendship but know you are closer to the other 3 and that the most important thing for you is to have them at the wedding and the Hen. Had the dates for the wedding worked I’d have loved to share your day with you but something has come up. This isn’t the same as one of your wedding party dropping out. On the day you won’t even notice that one guest couldn’t make it. I’ll look forward to seeing the photos afterwards. The Hen do isn’t within my budget sadly but again I hope you all have a fab time and perhaps we can all meet up for a glass of champagne before the wedding instead”

PS I would have said from the start about the hen weekend being too much but not sure when you got to know prices / agreed.

It’s been 8 months since the engagement and I have only seen the other three four times and the last they just talked about the wedding and experiences

how often would you usually see them?

Has your best friend spoken to you about the wedding situation? Just wondering if she’s noticed that you’ve been left out and has discussed it with you.

I don’t like this kind of behaviour. I think it’s insensitive and uncaring to do this to someone.

I get the bride’s choice is her choice but I don’t agree with all meet ups being focuseed around this. I’d be personally uncomfortable with doing this to someone.

Enjoy your holiday. It sounds fantastic.

The correct time for OP to cancel the hen do was whenever she realised it was too expensive for her, so whenever she found out how much it was costing. But anyway, it's done now!

The hen is in two weeks? Sorry I missed that. I think you should either go to that or pay your share if you’re not going. Unless she has literally just assumed you are going and you’re only just finding out about it with two weeks notice.

Fair enough to not go to the wedding with three months notice and let the friendship with the bride dwindle, but dropping them all in it for the hen (which presumably you’ve agreed to go to) will mean you stand to lose all your friends including your best friend.

The experience of the last meet up, where the talk was all wedding and OP was left out, is likely to be repeated at the hen. For that reason alone the OP is justified for pulling out.

But OP hasn’t paid and is well within her rights to not agree to a spa day. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea. It looks like others had similar thoughts and therefore also cancelled. And besides, two week’s notice is still plenty of time.

I don't think the fact no one has paid yet means morally she's okay to pull out - I assume after the first flurry of declines (4 months ago in my made-up scenario 😉), the organiser felt confident enough in the non-flakiness of the few remaining hens that she could go ahead and book, without demanding payment up front.

Declining now - 2 weeks before - means everyone else will have to pay more (the OP states that that she believes they only invited her to keep the costs down, so she knows this is the case). I believe that's poor form.

I presume out of the 4 you are the least close to the the bride? I have a friendship group with a similar dynamic, 2 sets of “best” friends apologies hate that term, I’m closer to two of them than the other. So bride has asked her best friend and your best friend as connection to the groom also? Personally I would still go to the hen to not burn bridges over something like this but go travelling. Then explain that you felt excluded over the last 8 months of the friendship. Do you still see your best friend from the group?

Of course it’s about her! It’s her wedding duh!

So you didn’t go to the wedding even as a guest? Why?

Something very similar happened to me years ago. The realisation that I wasn’t classed as ‘important’ as the other girls stung a lot. I knew it was down to cost, numbers etc, but wow, it hurt my feelings. I was more cross with myself for thinking I’d be included and overestimating the friendship.

If you feel the friendship is over, going to Thailand is great! I’d be honest with yourself tho and think were you left out as acutely as you think (4 meetings is alot tbf, I bet I meet my best childhood friends 4 times in a year!) or are you hurt and upset and that’s clouding your judgement!

This happened to me (not asked to be bridesmaid etc) but the difference was I said sorry I can’t make it and sent a lovely gift. Bride send me a lovely thank you card and didn’t guilt trip me about not going. Twenty years on we have a great friendship.

But OP hasn’t paid and is well within her rights to not agree to a spa day. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea. It looks like others had similar thoughts and therefore also cancelled. And besides, two week’s notice is still plenty of time. OP has also given 3 month’s notice for not attending the wedding so nothing seems that last minute. The message sent was polite and dignified. Perhaps after the wedding mania dies down, things might be salvaged individually or as a group, if people reach out and apologise etc. Or OP might prefer to simply enjoy the Thailand trip and move on with her life.

YANBU missing the wedding. But I would keep your dignity and not respond in a hostile way to her message. Just send a brief reply saying you’re sorry if it upsets her feelings but you feel you have been excluded from the wedding plans and thus won’t be that sorely missed. But you wish her all the best.

@MyDeftDuck No problem. You’re not at all an old brain 😋 It’s easy to miss things especially in the early hours of the morning ☕️. Especially seeing as there was room in car for an extra passenger, it does sound very rude and insensitive. I just think people have lost sight of good manners. And it is a form of bullying to openly exclude someone in an almost passive aggressive way.

The hen do was awful too - switching from dinner out to an expensive spa trip without asking you. Good on you for saying no.

Again, we need the OP to clarify, but I doubt it was a last-minute switcheroo. I expect the scenario was 8 months ago "yeah, of course I'll come to the hen" (thinking in head it would be a evening meal). Four months ago, the bridesmaid in charge of hen do sent email to a group of 15 odd people saying "right, for hen do we plan to go to a spa, as that seems to be what bridezilla wants. These are dates, this is cost". The OP says lots of people declined at that point due to cost. She didn't. She's declined today, 2 weeks before event.

On the surface and going by the information you’ve given here YANBU and it sounds like you should let this friendship go. You say that one member of this group is your best friend though, have you discussed how you’re feeling with her and does she think you’re being unreasonable? I think I’d be talking to my best friend who knows the situation from all angles before asking a load of strangers on the internet.

I had a sort of reverse of this! I was engaged and planning my wedding, something small. I had two 'close' friends who were my bridesmaids. They both really wanted to be involved and sort of made it all about them. They dictated a lot of things, one started a huge silly argument on my hen do, they were really demanding over bridesmaid dresses which I was paying for and they both chose with very little input from me aside from the (very neutral) colour. They both wanted to bring their new boyfriends, no problem I said. I booked a nice hotel for night before the wedding but they were both acting so selfish I just felt stressed. When I arrived at my wedding they left me in the car and got out to take selfies. Then they basically went off and got drunk with their bf's and left me to it. Another friend who I hadn't seen much of in recent years took over and helped me out. We became much closer after that and I felt bad that she hadn't been my bridesmaid and enjoyed the nice hotel together. I later found out that she'd had to organise all the hen do as my 'bridesmaids' were being difficult. This was 10 years ago, I had a lovely wedding but my only regret is all the photos are these two people that I'm not really friends with anymore plus their random boyfriends! Friendships shift, we change and grow. Sometimes it's hard at the time and it can feel like you want to make the friendship work but it's equally important to set boundaries and follow our own path. I would DEFINITELY go to Thailand and enjoy your self. If you feel these friendships have reached the end send a polite explanation and just move on.

One friend got engaged and is only having the other three as bridesmaids, my best friend is dating the grooms best friend so this makes sense.

I read the OP a couple of times and the way it was worded was confusing, but I took it that the OP wasn't part of the two pairs - one friend got engaged and the other three in the group would be her bridesmaids, which led me to believe the OP got left out of being a bridesmaid.

From OP

Sorry. Four friends. Was a group made up of two pairs of best friends. Three in wedding including bride.

Three in wedding including bride plus OP equals four

YANBU. You've been polite and circumstances have changed. It won't spoil the wedding if you're not there. Go on the holiday with your friend and enjoy yourself.