AIBU for Not going to a wedding I rsvped yes too.

Glad you are going travelling and glad that you were polite in your text to the bride.
I don't think they have purposefully excluded you, they have just got caught up in the ridiculous fiasco that is modern wedding planning.

Never burn your bridges (however flimsy they are) is a good motto.

I was thinking this too, they are usually max a month before the wedding. Although I guess that if the attendees work in jobs where it's hard to get time off, then they might need to adjust that to make it work for all.
Or if it's a specific event which is only on once. My DH went to Oktoberfest for his stag, and our wedding was early November, so it was about a month prior

YANBU. Please go travelling instead!!!

Sat about in uncomfortable clothes in a drafty church or trip of a lifetime? No brainer OP!
The bride hasn’t included you so don't give it a moments thought. You’ve canceled in time for them to inform caterers etc so wish them well and move on.

Definitely go travelling.

I think you're taking everything a bit too personally OP.

It sounds like she wants 2 bridesmaid to match her fiances 2 groomsmen, so she has her best friend and her friend who's in a relationship with the best man.

She talks about the wedding a lot and... wore a top saying bride to be to an exercise class. So what? How does that hurt you?

Some people when they get married or pregnant are all about that one issue for a while, it's a bit annoying but in long term friendships, it eventually passes so you just deal with it for a bit.

They don't need to consult you either about the hen do. You'd rather go for a cheap meal, well it's not your hen do. You should have said no when the expensive spa trip was first mentioned if you didn't want to go, not 2 weeks before.

I think they have been extremely unkind and thoughtless and towards the OP and I would be very hurt if it was me. But I have to question how close the friendship group really is - do people really only see their best friends so infrequently? I don't know if I've misunderstood but why is the hen night taking place 2.5 months before the wedding? I thought hen and stag nights were meant to take place immediately before the wedding.

Attend another tedious hen do and identikit wedding, or go travelling to the far east? Absolute no-brainer; you'd be a fool not to!

It looks like a lot of posters are making up their own narrative re the hen do.

The OP said that she thought it was a meal out so she agreed to go, then it was sprung on her that it was an expensive spa weekend that loads of people dropped out from due to the expense.

From the OP's posts it is clear that the nature and cost of the weekend wasn't discussed with anyone before it was booked, so I don't agree that the OP should be guilt tripped into going.

It strikes me that, as with a lot of scenarios on mumsnet threads, there has been a lack of communication between all parties.

Bridezilla! I would definitely not go, she can’t sincerely expect you to given you have been excluded/ignored this year. I can’t understand the whole madly expensive hen do/destination wedding (even tho this wedding isn't) Like a fool, I went on a spa hen do many years ago, cost a fortune, was 5 hours’ drive.

I'd usually say don't cancel. But in the circumstances you describe you should go on holiday with your friend. You have been excluded from their meetings. Let them crack on without you but you need to be prepared for the friendship to end.

I would just reply sorry, your plans have changed. After the wedding they might go back to being normal and you might want the friendship, or they might not or you might think stuff them but don't make the decision now in anger.

Just go and travel OP, move on, they aren’t your friends really anyway so why bother if you offend them? Friendships come and go, weddings are only a big deal to the couple so yeah the bride will be pissed off but who cares? If you feel they have been treating you badly and you are happy for the friendships to end then it doesn’t matter.

Just as a random aside though I don’t get why it takes so much effort to plan a wedding that there is non stop wedding chat for 8 months? Granted mine was a very small affair organised within 3 weeks but I’ve worked at loads and loads of weddings (student life) and attended more than I care to remember and they are all usually all pretty much cookie cutter experiences.

Oh again brides spending other people's money for them! I don't get why it has to be such a big deal and so expensive for everyone.

The bride would have been better only having one bridesmaid. It's cruel to leave you out and then expect you to help with organising.

Drop the rope and enjoy Thailand!

OP has explained a group of 4 - her best friends and the bride and her best friend

How can 1 typo detail the thread where the subject matter is OP feeling hurt and rejected and up for an expensive Spa day she didn’t agree to go on?

The point OP needs help with is the current situation, not nitpicked over numbers which in all fairness is irrelevant. ,m

It still doesn't make sense. If it's four, how can it be the bride and three bridesmaids plus op? And she says two pairs of best friends, but makes no mention of her best friend and she doesn't actually seem close to any of them ...

Actually, none of it hinges on whether OP initially agreed to or not. It depends on the hotel cancellation policy. If the hotel allows cancellations up 2 weeks before, then OP can cancel.

If the others have to pay more in this case it's be because they need 2 rooms for four guests. That is simply not OP's problem. I think it'd be very hypocritical for them to blame OP for it rather than their own behaviour.

Did the bride herself ever make any reference as to why you were excluded from the bridal party? If not, then perhaps she doesn’t think the group of four is as tight a unit as you do? Maybe she just saw you as one of many friends she didn’t choose as a bridesmaid. In any case, if they are all wittering on about wedding plans in your company, then that’s not on and I can see how it would make you feel hurt and excluded. The trip to Thailand is a separate issue. You want to go. It clashes with your friend’s wedding. I think it’s completely fine to explain that this wonderful opportunity has come along and that you won’t be able to attend the wedding. I would be careful, though, about not attending the hen party as it doesn’t clash with the holiday. I can absolutely see why you don’t want to go - more wedding talk, the expense - but you agreed to go and, increased costs for everyone else aside, the bride will view this as a massive snub. You may have to kiss the friendship goodbye, not just with the bride, but with the other two, who will inevitably see you as the villain.

This. ^

I think your so-called best friend within the group is even worse than the bride for excluding you. When you get a message from her today – which you will, because the bride will deploy her flying monkeys to berate you into changing your mind so you can cover the hen night cost – you need to say that, separate to the wedding, you feel like she's pulled away from the friendship and now you are choosing to do the same.

Enjoy Thailand!

This.
💯

Your post makes things a bit clearer. I didn't realise that the person getting married isn't op's best friend.

Even so...it is still a bit weird that they left op out, but perhaps the bride also has other friendship groups with individuals who are more important to her.

On the other hand...surely any human being with an iota of empathy would notice that they were leaving Op out of things?

But perhaps...the friendship group of four might not meet up that often so the bride didn't give it a second thought.

I give up!

How much ‘wedding stuff’ can they be doing? People like this make me laugh. 😂 My maid of honour (only had the one) and I our wedding stuff consisted of going to a dress shop and we looked at some dresses and I said I was thinking like these sorts of styles and these sorts of colours and she was like yeah, I like these too. And then we went out to lunch and for drinks. And then she turned up to the rehearsal 6 months later.

I wasn’t marrying her. 😂 why would we need to plan our wedding together? I planned the actual wedding with dh because it the celebration of the start of our lives together. I can’t even say I really talked about that planning with anyone but my mum and that’s because she was paying the bill.

Absolutely go to Thailand. I had lots of friends who couldn’t come to my wedding (I got married where I live not in my home country) and a few who had to pull out on the day. No big deal. I don’t even think about it now. You’ll have a wonderful time in Thailand though.

They probably won't, so brace yourself and gracefully stand your ground.

People are struggling with the numbers here .. there are not 5, there are 4.

One bride, 3 friends
of these 3, 2 are bridesmaids .. to match the two groomsmen (one of the bridesmaid is dating one of the groomsmen)

There bride is very excited and talks about the wedding a lot (of course)

A hen was booked .. which OP didn’t decline at the time for being “expensive”. This is in 2 weeks, so I would think already paid for ??

OP has seen her (ex) friends at least 4 times in the last 8 months.

OP has had a better offer, and feels the need to create reasons to accept that offer, by changing the narrative on things that have happened over the past couple of months.

It’s ok to change your mind, you don’t have to make your (ex) friends sound like total bitches for doing relatively normal stuff. You must have known the Bride would be upset, hence the letter not the face to face.

Emjoy Thailand, but don’t demonise your (ex) friends, I’m not sure they have done much wrong.

Numbers of bridesmaids and groomen don't have to match. I have 2 very close friends, and another 3 who I am less close to, all same group, but clearly a 3 and a 3. So I had the 2 closest only as bridesmaids as couldnt pick between other 3. My husband had a best man and 2 groomsmen, so 3 total.
1 bridesmaid walked back down aisle with best man
2 groomsmen walked back down together
1 bridesmaid walked down holding the 2 flower girls hands

Me and our other close friend werent bridesmaid for our 3rd close friend, her mum and mil hounded her in picking her sister in law and sister, they made her life hell, and we said, 'we just want whats best for you, go along with it to make your life easier, we wont be offended and will still be there for all your bride stuff'.
We did the wedding dress shopping with her, organised the hen do, helped make wedding favours etc. We had the last laugh as the dress MOB picked for bridesmaids was horrendous 🤣

Just because you weren't a bridesmaid, doesn't mean she couldnt have included you in all the wedding pre activities. The fact that she didn't tells you about her priorities. I would go on the holiday and have a great time